Lately I've felt depressed. DS is still in mommy mode, not sleeping well and now it's effecting my marriage. We hardly ever go out on dates. My ILs watch him during the week so asking for more is not an option. My parents won't commit to helping even once every other week for date night. I feel like DH is picking on every little thing and teasing about my short comings because he's not good with conflict. I get frustrated and end up blowing up. I'm so sad about it right now. I feel we are growing apart because it's all about the babby. I don't know what to do.
I can empathize @usernameedit DH and I have been experiencing something similar. We actually started going to counseling in January. It became apparent that communication is our biggest issue, we don't know how to express ourselves or fight properly anymore. While it hasn't made things 100% better we both feel things have improved. In order to make counseling work (my parents watched DS full time when we started) I actually changed my work schedule by coming in an hour earlier. DH started doing morning drop off and I was able to do evening pick up. DS wasn't with my parents any longer than usual but DH and I were able to attend counseling before pick up.
As far as date nights, they are still a work in progress for us. We have tried to do some at-home date nights after DS goes to bed. Of course that means we may only have 1-2 hours. We bought board games and cards to play and have discussed getting Red Box and doing a dinner and movie night. Of course dinner and a movie is going to have to wait until we can get more than 2 hours.
I agree with pp about possibly looking into a babysitter for hire. It may make it easier to find alone time which sounds like is a big problem.
Counseling has also helped a lot of my friends. Parenting is hard, I've heard the first year is the roughest on a marriage. A little help from a professional may ease the next few months for you guys.
I'm sorry you guys are going through this. DH and I also haven't had any dates nights, so we have done what ricola0522 mentioned. Bought some board games and once DD goes to bed we have about 2 hours to just play some games or watch tv together. Not sure if you're religious or not but we started doing bible study together also and it's helped put things into perspective and has helped us be more patient with one another. It's like a mini date night at home. We've been to counseling in the past, which has helped us communicate a lot better, especially since having DD. Biggest thing I can suggest from personal experience, always make sure you get your feelings out and never hold it in, otherwise those blowouts tend to ruin things over time. Again, I'm sorry you guys are going through this.
I can totally relate. We've had an especially tough month with all of us being sick and the snow. I've been feeling very housebound. DH doesn't get sick days and has been working on Saturdays to make up for time he's missed with the snow so a lot of the responsibility has been on me. We also don't have money for a babysitter so we don't have date nights. Thanks for starting this thread as it makes me feel less alone!
I feel you.. I've been unhappy lately and it's hard to manage self care when your whole world is caring for others.
I highly recommend personal counseling.. having someone on your side, with an objective view, who you can sort through issues with is immeasurably valuable.
I also agree w/ couples counseling.. I'm trying to seek that out myself, but not sure which route and what the best timing will be. My DH has a lot of communication and stress issues though so I'm insisting he seek counseling first.. but I am strongly considering a monthly session w/ someone together.. or even a retreat.
I'm also looking into doing a weekly yoga session on the weekends to do something more for me.
My personal advice.. find some things for yourself that will make you feel more balanced, whether it time away from home or counseling or exercise or whatever. But definitely communicate exactly what you said to us, to your DH. He needs to hear it.
I'm sorry things are tough right now! I definitely agree with what PPs said about hiring a babysitter. 9 months is a long time without a date night! I find that they're really helpful in helping DH and I feel closer and not as stabby towards each other. I know he was used to me taking care of him and him being the center of attention so me concentrating on baby 24/7 now is quite the change. If you have friends with kids I would ask them if they have a baby sitter they like that you could "borrow" for a date night. Also I can't remember if you mentioned church or not but nursery volunteers often babysit and I know at my church they have to have a background check in order to volunteer so you don't have to do one yourself. I hope that things get better for you guys soon!
difficultiesFeb 17, 2015 10:19:49 GMT -5via mobile
Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2015 10:19:49 GMT -5
Thank you all. I'm going to try yoga a few nights a week when DH gets home and communicate better what I need from him. This morning DH was wonderful and helped a lot. He knew I was struggling and stepped up. He really is a wonderful husband.
It's really comforting to know I'm not alone. I know things will get better with hard work and time.
I do have a good friend who might babysit. She's awesome with children and DS adores her.
I also think I have PPD. It's been coming and going for awhile. Mainly when I'm exhausted. I talked to DH about it this morning and I think it helped him feel better because he understands more.
Thank you so much ladies. I love having a place I can go to for things like this.
Post by ksyknelvr73 on Feb 17, 2015 10:37:52 GMT -5
I don't think I have a lot to offer that hasn't been covered by others at this point, but just know that you are not alone. The first year after DS1 was born, I seriously almost left a couple times. You have probably heard (and it's true) that the first year of having a baby can be one of the hardest on a marriage. Your whole life changes, the life you knew doesn't really exist anymore, and I find a lot of times that men don't really seem to adjust much while we pretty much change EVERYTHING. There's a lot of resentment, and not enough communication. There's exhaustion and no spontaneity.
Even now, my May baby is my second child, and we are STILL going through this whole thing again. Even though we have been through this before and knew what to expect, the whole struggle I wanted to avoid this time is back. I keep telling myself it will pass, b/c it did the first time.
I don't think I have a lot to offer that hasn't been covered by others at this point, but just know that you are not alone. The first year after DS1 was born, I seriously almost left a couple times. You have probably heard (and it's true) that the first year of having a baby can be one of the hardest on a marriage. Your whole life changes, the life you knew doesn't really exist anymore, and I find a lot of times that men don't really seem to adjust much while we pretty much change EVERYTHING. There's a lot of resentment, and not enough communication. There's exhaustion and no spontaneity.
Even now, my May baby is my second child, and we are STILL going through this whole thing again. Even though we have been through this before and knew what to expect, the whole struggle I wanted to avoid this time is back. I keep telling myself it will pass, b/c it did the first time.
Thank you for this. It's good to hear from a STM about this.
Hugs to you. I was like this after both of my births. Having a baby and changing the dynamic of your relationship can put a strain on any relationship, and ours was far from perfect to begin with. We got better and then #3 came. And #3 has slept worse than #2 so that alone adds a different stress. I think the best advice I got was knowing that this is completely normal and to talk about your feelings as often as you can. It was definitely a temporary situation and things turned around for us and have again.
Post by mamarazziof3 on Feb 17, 2015 11:36:16 GMT -5
Pretty much all that I have to say has already been said, but I will also add that you are definitely not alone! DH and I have been through counseling a couple of times since having little ones. (My May14 baby is our third.) I can even say that things got REALLY bad, and there were several reasons for it, but they all boiled down to communication. It is SO key.
We also don't get out for date nights often. We don't have much in the way of family close by. We did find a sitter that we love who is a former student of mine, but I still hesitate to go out because DS3 has MAJOR separation anxiety and I stress out because I know he will cry A LOT while we are gone. It makes being out not quite as enjoyable. Though some of it has been said, here are some things that we do that have helped us:
1. Counseling 2. We didn't read the whole book, but we have read parts of and discussed The Five Love Languages. It really helps us focus on what the other person needs/wants to feel loved. 3. After the kids go to bed the first thing we usually do is sit down and do a devotion together. As Christians this is Biblically based for us- either right from the Bible or something related. Currently we are going through a commentary on the book of Song of Solomon from the Bible, and next we will be reading "A Lifelong Love: What if Marriage is about More Than Just Staying Together" by Gary Thomas. If you are not interested in something religious, then you could always find another book on marriage to read together, maybe just a chapter or few pages. (If your DH would be up for it, I know not all guys are! But, even if you don't go through a book together you could try a marriage blog that you like- we love fiercemarriage.com, but it is also religious, or even just make it a detox time to talk about the day, share some things that you want to work on in your marriage together, and some things that are going well.) 4. We each have our own time to do things we like. DH plays basketball (winter) or softball (summer) once a week, and goes to the gym on his lunches a few days a week. I have a women's Bible study that I go to every other week, and I'm starting a Pilates class (day) and a Hungarian class (one evening a week) in the next couple of months. 5. We do lots of at home date nights. We love watching Downton Abbey together, so that's usually one of our nights. On Downton night we cook a nice dinner after the kids go to bed, eat with NO tv on or phones, and then watch the show together. 6. Because of LO's separation anxiety, sometimes we have the sitter come right after the kids are in bed so that he is already settled and asleep. I can enjoy the night much better that way!
There is hope for sure- working through all of the things that we have has made our marriage better than it ever has been! You can get there too, but I know it is very hard and discouraging while you are going through the stuff you are now.
So sorry you are going through this. We have no one around to watch DS and aside from one middle of the day date on MLK day, we have yet to go out on a date. It may sound a little lame, but we have resorted to at home dates. Couple ideas we have tried: 1. Get takeout and eat by candlelight at home 2. Rent a movie, pop popcorn and pickup whatever movie candy you would normally get to pretend you are at the theatre 3. Find a new recipe to try and make dinner together 4. Bubble bath with wine 5. Fondue! 6. When it was warmer, we made s'mores outside with a small campfire... A fireplace would work too! 7. Board games where the winner gets ... Something special of their choosing 8. Invite other couples with kids over for a potluck style dinner where the kids can play and the adults can have grown up conversation
I'm sure there are lots more ideas. It's been working for us while we bide the time before the kids are older or we find a babysitter we can trust.
I have a couple of ideas that you can do that don't involve a babysitter and can help you become closer with your DH. When I was married we used to occasionally write a little note or a cute picture and leave it where the other would find it- like the night table or underwear drawer. I kept the picture of my Ex with long arms stretched right out saying "I love you this much!" for many years (just an example). Also, you can text some compliments or sexy things if you wish and he will too. This can make you both appreciate the other and can lead to a fun evening later that night. All the other ideas of counselling etc of course are things to do as well.
I just wanted to echo that you are not alone. There are some great suggestions given - especially the date night-ins. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and your parents aren't helping out. I think that it will get better after you open up communication and exit the fog of baby's first year.
I just want to say I'm sorry you are dealing with this. We are in a similar situation where our family isn't around so we don't have a lot of people to watch DD. PP have mentioned lots of great ideas for dates in! We have only been out twice (and once was when we were visiting family and only for an hour). We do a lot of what everyone else mentioned -- watch a movie after LO goes to bed, talk, play games! Hang in there it will get better!
Does anyone currently co-sleep? I wonder because LO has been co-sleeping with us since 6 months (only way to get any sleep right now) - I'm hoping to start getting him back in his crib, but any suggestions on things to do while the baby sleeps in bed with you?
Does anyone currently co-sleep? I wonder because LO has been co-sleeping with us since 6 months (only way to get any sleep right now) - I'm hoping to start getting him back in his crib, but any suggestions on things to do while the baby sleeps in bed with you?
@usernameedit we coslept partially from the beginning and full time from 4-9 months. We just got her out of the bed and into her crib about 3 weeks ago.
Are you able to nurse him to sleep in your bed and sneak out for a few to hang with your husband? For a couple months I was able to have her pass out, put pillows all around her and then leave to eat dinner or watch a movie. It didn't work every night but when it did it was glorious ?
I'm so sorry you're going through this! As others have mentioned since nights out are hard maybe date nights in would work. I created a date night jar with Popsicle sticks and a mason jar. I looked in Pinterest for date night in ideas and put some on the sticks then we pick a stick out and do that activity one night a week. After the girl is in bed we usually do something together mostly catch up on shows but I try to put down the phone and cuddle while watching. Also as pp have said holding it in is not good so if I ever feel like he's hurt my feelings I think about it and then talk to him as calm as possible that night.
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