Some perspective please - am I being too petty?

[traveltheworld]

A few years ago, DH's long-time friend (let's call him T), wanted to get into business with a few other people.  As a favour, I said I'd help him with the legal aspect of it.  I work in Big Law so this is not something I'd typically do, but since DH and T have been friends for decades, I decided to help out to make sure he is not taken advantage of.  He negotiated a terrible deal, and I told him so at the time; but despite my advice, he went through with it.  I never charged him for my legal bill.

Predictably, things have gone south.  So a few weeks ago, T came to me for help.  Again, I agreed.  I had no intention of charging him since there's no way he could afford my rate.  But he is in a really bad situation and I feel bad for them.  T and his wife (S) keep wanting to pursue litigation, and I keep telling them that you can't litigate out of a bad business deal.  Throughout this process, I've tried my best to help them, even to the point of trading in personal favours at the firm to get our top litigators to provide advice without billing.  Anyways, I just got an email from T saying that they'd like to pursue litigation, then an email from S saying that since they are going that route, they'd like to go with the litigators at the firm she works at (she is an administrator for that firm).

On one hand, I'm relieved.  I really don't want to deal with this anymore; and realistically, if they want to pursue litigation, there's no way they can afford my firm's rates.  But I'm just irked at the tone of her email - not even a thank you for my efforts, or anything.  It literally was 2 lines.

DH is furious.  He thinks at the minimum, they could have phrased things better.  But DH has been annoyed for a while now because they always call/email me during off hours and have a tendency to corner me during social functions (our kids play soccer together) to talk about this.  So I'm not sure if his perspective on this one incident is accurate.

What do you wise ladies think?  Do I have a right to be annoyed?

FWIW - I responded right away and said that I think using a litigator from that firm is a great idea, and it makes sense to move the whole file over since then the corporate side and the litigation side could work more closely together.  I kept it very cordial.

[helenahhandbasket]

I'd be so annoyed, put out and feel used. I do not blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. Good for you for taking the high road.


I'd probably distance myself from these people for a while.

[CoverGirl82]

As they say, you can't fix (or help, in this situation) stupid. I would be irritated if it were me. I agree with helenahhandbasket that distancing yourself from them for a while would be good. And kudos for taking the high road.

[Widget123]

I would try to focus on being relieved that you won't be involved in this litigation. But if they try to talk to you about the litigation again for whatever reason, I would politely decline and change this subject. Also avoid to the best of your ability, for the time being.

[indyrowergirl]

+1 to PPs. I'd feel used, but also relieved that this problem will no longer be yours. And ditto to lucyv- if they try to bring it up with you again (and you know they will) deflect, deflect, deflect.

You tried to do a solid for a long time friend, but they clearly don't appreciate it. It's a tough spot to be in, but now you know for the future that these aren't the people to stick your neck out for.

[justcheckingin73]

You're not being petty at all. They completely took advantage of you and I would be completely annoyed.

[akafred]

I would feel very annoyed, but I would let it go. From their perspective they *want* to do something you and your colleagues have said is a bad idea, and they have someone who is willing to pursue it. They might have been curt because they were afraid you would be mad they aren't going to use your firm, and they didn't know how to address it, so they made it as short and to the point as possible. Idk just guessing. Yes they should have thanked you but sometimes people lose sight of that when you told them something they didn't want to hear.

JMO but it is not worth losing a friend. So just let it go. I would definitely not do that kind of favor for them in the future though.

[2chatter]

Are they embarrassed? I would just assume they are - the mess in the first place, acting against your advice in desperation AND inability to afford rates with your firm. It doesn't excuse rudeness but it does help explain it. I'm not super high in empathy so in your shoes I would probably be annoyed and struggle with the feeling of drama -- but in the end, embrace the relief. Now soccer can be updates on it - while you are literally on the sidelines. Win!

[sandandsea]

I think it goes with the territory unfortunately. I am a cpa and get asked everyone's tax questions all the time. I don't do individual taxes but can help some and have people I can ask at my firm. However no one I know socially who is asking me these questions could ever afford my firm and are more H&R Block types. I really don't mind. I know our rates are astronomical and only for the highest tier taxpayers. So I genuinely don't mind. I also don't go out of my way to help or offer real advice and am quick to say idk even if I do know.

I would just avoid the topic for a while. I think they do appreciate your advice and perspective and help but really just can't afford to pursue it with you, especially since they know it's a long shot. And they probably didn't know what to say or how to say it better so the email flopped. I would try to let it go.

[supertrooper1]

I agree with pp's that you have a right to feel annoyed, but try to let it go. I would also try to distance myself and not get involved in any further legal advice for them. Next time, simply say you're too busy or that your firm is advising their employees to not get involved in anything outside of your firm.

I think this happens with any job. People know what special knowledge you have and expect your help for free. I get questions from people all the time related to my job and I will quite often send them a Google link. A coworker used to work in construction and he gets tired of people asking him construction questions. And quite often, the people asking don't know how annoying their questions are or that they put you in a bad spot.

[traveltheworld]

Thanks everyone. I am going to let it go. I've already spent 20-30 hours trying to sort out this mess, so I will just be thankful that I don't have to deal with it anymore.

And we will try to distance ourselves for a while.