WWF17D. NBR (XP on my N15 board)

[littleredfish]

I was going to ask STM+ but anybody can have an opinion.

DD1 is going through a phase of defiance. Nothing major and I suspect it's partially because of DS's arrival. Combative on every direction we give, telling little lies, and sneaking food are the main elements. The combativeness we seem to be working on by changing our wording and tone when we tell her to do things. But the other 2 are more difficult.

Her fibs don't always reflect a situation where she is trying to avoid trouble, she'll just say things that aren't true. The other day she even came in and told me something then went out of the room and told DH what she said to me, almost like she was bragging about getting away with fibbing to me (obviously sharing her pride with the wrong person).

The stealing food is another weird one, she'll even steal food she knows she can have if she just asks. I just like to know when there is food out because of DD2 and the dogs. I don't want DD2 to get her hands on a food she could choke on and I don't want the dogs unsupervised with the kids and food even though they've never done anything ever, I've worked with animals my whole adult life and know the consequences of even just a misunderstanding. Also she hides the evidence so I find old food and it's gross. And like I said, it's not just treats like candy because we don't really keep that around but even fruit or bread or yogurt which would be fine if she just asked! DH refuses to lock away food. We have child locks but she can open the cupboard ones. She mainly wakes up early and steals the food while we're still in bed, but it's happened mid day too.

Any tips on how to curb these 2 behaviours? We've started with increasing punishments because just talking to her wasn't changing anything or getting through. Like this morning she stole peanut butter so we did a 10min time out and she can't watch her favorite show today (the 10min timeout was because she took the PB on a butter knife and she's not to touch knives so that was a 2 in 1 punishment).

She's a very sensitive kid and cries at the time and seems like she gets it, and we explain why and everything but then she does it again and again (4yos, amiright?) it's seriously frustrating.

[billybumbler]

My older DD is 4 too so I feel your pain. The defiance all day - ugh. The only thing that works for that is time out or consequence right away - takes out the power struggle element out of it.

I've read the lying is an age thing. I'd try to avoid setting her up to lie (example, ask her if she did X and then she'll lie, instead say I see you did X). If she makes something up out of the blue just go uh-huh or oh really? Don't give her attention for lying.

I'm stumped with the food thing but honestly I think I'd just get a lock or keep stuff inaccessible.

[Deleted]

LO1 willl be 4in June and so I see some of these behaviors too(lying and defiance.). I wonder if the taking of food is an attempt at independence.

We do similar- timeouts and taking away things like TV and such.

[littleredfish]

@jacks605, I've wondered that too.
Since it's worse in the morning, we discussed giving her the opportunity to make her own breakfast by setting up a cupboard with foods she could take with the condition that she eat it at the table, not in her room or the living room so she is up from the dogs.

I just grapple with giving her more independence when she seems to take every inch and push it to the next mile. I'm not sure if I should just go for it or if I should wait for some more consistent good behaviour and reinforce it with that, telling her that it's because she has shown we can trust her?

Side bar on preparing her own breakfast. Would 4yo be too young for a child to use a simple appliance like a toaster? She loves waffles and toast and I feel they could be less messy than her pouring her own milk in cereal, but it's an appliance with an (albeit super minimal) chance for her to burn herself or start a fire. That's maybe a side post? At what age do you trust your kids with these things?

ETA: she will be 5 in June

[billybumbler]

littleredfish the toaster thing is really kid specific, I think. But I can see myself letting my DD do it at almost five.

[Deleted]

littleredfish- I'd practice and have her help you using the toaster and see how she does when you are around. If she seems okay without much direction let her go. Maybe start with mini muffins and other items not needing any cook time.

We have a toaster oven so you have to put your hand further in so I'd personally be hesitant. But then again in another full year LO will come a long way!

[oldbaylover1024]

That's tough. I'll say J is almost 4 (May bday) and she's a little fibber sometimes, too. I often say I know this or that happened, please tell me the whole story. I generally try to eliminate the ability for her to lie. But preschoolers are freaking lawyers in training - J finds a way to fib or fabricate sometimes. I'm sure it's a phase.

I would keep an eye on the eating. We have a family friend who's daughter used to steal food and it became a bigger issue. If the timeouts and talks don't work, maybe talk to the pedi to see what s/he says.

ETA Regarding the toaster, I prob couldn't trust J with ours. We have a cart with mini muffins, dry cereal, juice and water boxes, raisins, applesauce cups, etc. that J has access to. She packs her snacks for school each day, and can pick something if she needs a snack in the afternoon. Maybe a station for DD and lock up everything else.