TTCAL 3/21

[scoutradley]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive, after a loss, every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: What was your favorite extracurricular activity in school?

[scoutradley]

How are you doing? I'm okay. I have severe baby fever now. I didn't even have it this bad when we first started TTC in October.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): PID related fertility issues.

Updates/questions: AF finally ended, took forever. I'm in my fertile week now. I'm supposed to O around the 24th but idk. Anyway, I have a massage scheduled for Saturday and your not supposed to have a massage first tri... should I cancel and wait to see what happens? It would only be the day after O, but then... ugh.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): **TW LC mentioned** a friend just had a baby and I want to visit (when the mom is ready) but I also don't want to. It's so difficult to not be pregnant right now. **end TW**

QOTW: Uh? I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it.

[ajetter]

misspatty I usually do them twice a day. With FMU and then sometime later in the day. Usually between 1-4ish. Before taking the afternoon one I try and hold it for 3 hours and limit my water intake for that timeframe. I also drink 100+ oz during the day. I struggle to get full on true positives, but for the most part they change enough that I can tell I'm surging.

[ajetter]

TW:: LC mentioned ::

scoutradley I personally don't think I'd worry about a massage 1DPO, but I don't know a lot about massages or recommendations.

I recently visited a new mom and it ended up not being as emotionally triggering as I expected it to be. I know I'm a little further out from my loss than you are, and my kiddos keeping me busy I think has really pushed my healing a little faster, but really it was better than I expected. I'd say my emotions really started to level out around the 7-8 week mark. Of course everyone is different, but that was my experience.

Hugs.

[ajetter]

scoutradley also I'm with you on the baby fever. We hadn't decided for sure that we were going to have a 4th (NTNP I guess?) when I found out I was pregnant. After the loss I know I for sure 100 million percent want another and everything baby makes my ovaries ache.

[notelsie]

**LC Mentioned**

Hello ladies, it's wonderful to meet you, but it makes me sad that we are all here So many hugs.

I did my first check-in under TFAS before I saw this thread. This seems more geared for what I'm needing.

I found out this past November that I was pregnant with baby #2. It was a really wonderful moment for our family since it had taken so long to get our first (PCOS). For 3 weeks everything was perfect. I was sick as a dog and more confident than I have ever felt about a pregnancy before. The last time had been so hard and scary so it was a welcomed change.

When I went in for my first ultrasound I should have been over 7 weeks along, but the sack was completely black. We had been NTNP so my dates could have been slightly off, and there was still one tiny chance that I could have conceived later so we scheduled another ultrasound 8 days out. Those were the longest 8 days of my entire life, and unfortunately there had been no change.

After a couple of weeks I finally miscarried naturally at home. Thankfully someone had been there to watch my son since the experience was not at all how I imagined. The last few months have been crippling.

And here I am..

How are you doing? I'm doing alright today. I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting back in control of my life, but last time this happened I was knocked over by a wave of emotions I didn't expect. Milestones are so hard.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC - I just picked up some new wondfos since my last batch gave me shadowy lines last month - This is also my first cycle temping since we TTC our first. So many feels.

Diagnosis (if applicable): I have PCOS, and my body is known to not get periods on its own or ovulate for several months at a time. I'm thankful that seems to be changing.

QOTW: What was your favorite extracurricular activity in school? Choir and drama. I loved being in musicals.

[notelsie]

misspatty, those blindsiding emotions are so hard They take my breath away. When I used OPKs in the past I did one in the morning before work, and one in the evening when I got home.

scoutradley, I can really relate to the baby fever right now. It hurts. Especially when your close friends are having babies. It took me a couple months, but I'm to a point where I'm better around it all. Things will get easier to manage over time

[inaya]

How are you doing? Doing ok. Recovering from a cold that wiped us out last week. Marriage is still tough but we're at least in a slightly brighter spot the last few days. Life just takes so much more energy than I have sometimes, you know?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC - in TWW, trying not to count DPO

Diagnosis (if applicable): Genetic carriers for CDG-1a

Updates/questions: I'm trying not to think about testing right now and knowing that our timing wasn't stellar is helping. I'm starting to think about all the loss "what ifs" though, like how hard will it be to do XYZ if we have another loss, to see this person or tkhat person, what about insurance stuff (MH is changing jobs soon), etc. I'll probably test Friday to decide if I feel ok about having a drink.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I think I already vented above!

QOTW: What was your favorite extracurricular activity in school? I wasn't a big extracurricular person. I took art one year and we helped do the drama set for their spring play; that was fun. I think it was all during regular school hours, though.

misspatty, the out of the blue stuff sounds totally normal. It's hard because you can't avoid it, but at least for me it lessened and lessened over time. As for OPKs, I'm pretty regular so I use them once a day about 1-2 days before I expect O, then twice a day (morning and afternoon) until my positive, then at least one more to make sure the surge is over. I've gotten positives on both the FMU and afternoon depending on the cycle but not usually both (or one is noticeably darker.)

scoutradley, I personally wouldn't worry about a massage that close to O but you have to do what you're comfortable with.

notelsie, I'm sorry for your loss, but welcome.

[mflowers929]

How are you doing? Alright. Just drained. It's been pretty nice though, and I'm off for 3 days so hopefully I'll be able to get some clean up done around the house.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched I guess?

Updates/questions: I've had a couple of days of cramping and spotting lately, and today my back hurt really badly at work. I'm not really looking forward to going back to full periods, but at least I know what to expect, unlike now.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Possible TW I didn't get to babysit my nephew yesterday in the end =( his mom was too sick to go out, and I guess he's getting sick now too =(

QOTW: What was your favorite extracurricular activity in school?
Errr, home ec club??

[ldubhawksfan]

How are you doing? Meh I'm doing ok, I guess. I hate knowing a time frame of what the EDD might be for this cycle and feel pressure.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): ttc

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a just trying. Won't go back to the RE until 2018 since I opted out of IF rider after I got my bfp. Really f'd myself there.

Updates/questions: nothing really.

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: What was your favorite extracurricular activity in school? Golf

[ldubhawksfan]

Mar 21, 2017 13:49:05 GMT -5 ajetter said:

TW:: LC mentioned ::

scoutradley I personally don't think I'd worry about a massage 1DPO, but I don't know a lot about massages or recommendations.

I.

Hugs.

I agree at 1 dpo it's not a problem. Enjoy it!!

[ldubhawksfan]

Hugs to everyone. The waves of emotions and triggers are So hard

[scoutradley]

the massage ended up being cancelled anyway because I had forgotten that H promised to take my younger sis and her friend to a concert that day. Oh well.

ajetter it's been 5 weeks since the m/c but I am not going to visit for awhile (H is coming down with something and I don't want to intrude on their first precious weeks) so hopefully by then I'll be a little more able to cope. And the baby fever is so bad. I'm having to avoid most social media because it all hurts.

notelsie welcome, I'm so sorry that circumstances have landed you here. **hugs** The fever is so bad I'm having to actively avoid baby sections in stores. I had to buy wipes one day and when I got in the car when I was done I broke down. Now I make H get things in baby departments.

misspatty she does not know. We didn't make it too public, although I'm not adverse to telling her. I just haven't spoken to her much since it happened.

[scoutradley]

@idubhawksfan oh no! Is there no other way to go before 2018? That seems so far away.

[ldubhawksfan]

Mar 21, 2017 20:15:02 GMT -5 scoutradley said:

@idubhawksfan oh no! Is there no other way to go before 2018? That seems so far away.

it seems forever away. I'm pretty down. I'm going to try to focus on the chance of us conceiving naturally again, but I think knowing we could go back to our RE was reassuring to me. Now we don't have that. I mean we could, by paying OOP. Or I could try with my OB if he followed the same monitoring and drugs that my RE prescribed, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable with that. I guess I'll cross that bridge this summer if it comes to it.

[mflowers929]

I'm so sorry for all of you who are having to decide how much money can go towards this process =( I know that if I had to pay for treatment, we'd still be waiting *hugs my publicly funded healthcare*

scoutradley, the first weeks after my losses were the absolute worst. I accidentally wandered into the baby section at WalMart and almost had an anxiety attack. It gets better. And I do hope that you go and visit your friend and her new baby. I was honestly so scared throughout my BFF's entire pregnancy that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I literally only felt her belly once during the entire thing (we were together at least once a week during this time) because I didn't want to get too attached just in case. But once he got here, he had no connection in my mind to my losses, and he was just him, and freaking adorable. And honestly he's helped me so much towards feeling comfortable going forward now =)

[Deleted]

Hi y'all - I hope it's ok if I join you. *LC Mention* I'm very active over on July '15, but the after-loss/TTC combo is throwing me for a loop and I thought I'd venture here for more similarly-positioned people w/r/t TTC.

My story - We started trying in March '14 and GKU right away. I had some bleeding early on but good ultrasounds at 6 and 8 weeks. We found out baby #1's heart stopped at our nuchal scan appointment, and I had a D&C a week before my birthday. (WORST.) Three cycles later we got pregnant with baby #2, which turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. I started seeing a specialist while pregnant with baby #3 (I got knocked up right after my initial meeting and on the first round of the protocol), who is my darling Lily, now 20 months.

Specialist was incredibly expensive (not covered by insurance and in NYC, my former home) and had me on a very involved protocol for various autoimmune nonsense I have going on - I was on synthroid, took prednisone and progesterone suppositories for the first 12 weeks, had intralipid infusions every 3 weeks for the first half of pregnancy, and lovenox injections and baby aspirin the whole pregnancy. It was a lot. The MFM I saw here in Philly (new home) originally said he would prescribe all of it if I wanted, but suggested just lovenox, aspirin, progesterone to start.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, cycle 4.

Diagnosis (if applicable): Recurrent loser and autoimmune hot mess.

Updates/questions: My ovulation day seems to be creeping earlier and earlier, CD12 last month, this month CD11 (I'm now CD14) based on OPKs/CM. Has anyone ever seen this happen and what was it in your case? Prior to this, I've reliably been CD14/15 for O.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm feeling really betrayed by my body again - I thought we had a hard road to LC #1, but we figured out a plan, and LC #2 should be easier. The one positive of our prior TTC journey was that we at least got pregnant very quickly, and now that doesn't seem to be the case and I'm aggravated by it. And my MFM was initially comfortable prescribing portions of my old regimen, but with my O date kept creeping earlier, said he didn't feel comfortable modifying it and I should see an RE, so now I'm waiting for that appointment next month.

QOTW: What was your favorite extracurricular activity in school? I was a swimmer so whether or not it was my favorite, it felt like my only. In college I was involved in student government and loved planning events for our class.

ldubhawksfan - I recognize your sn from the Tuesday check-ins on the PGAL board from our 2015 babies. I'm sorry about the RE stress.

misspatty, like ajetter, I tend to do AM and PM (I try to remember to bring them to work and do it in the ladies around 4, but never seem to remember) and even with drinking similar amounts of water, I am able to notice a trend and a "positive".

scoutradley, as others have said, the first weeks are the absolute hardest. Every pregnancy announcement, pregnant person, would just send me over the edge into a rage and/or sadness spiral. It did lessen over time.

[scoutradley]

@idubhawksfan I'm so sorry. That's so stressful. Hopefully you'll end up not needing an RE.

mflowers929 thank you for sharing. It helps to know that for other people it was more healing than hurtful. Maybe if I just face it, it won't be so difficult anymore.

@officedronette you are very welcome to join us, although I'm so sorry you are here. I hope you get a BFP/sticky baby soon, and I'm so sorry about your losses.

[sarahh]

Hi @officedronette,!

I am going to jump in too. I am fairly active in July '15 and posted here last summer while TTC.

*LC Mentioned* - We initially got pregnant in December 2012 and at our 8 week appointment the sac was empty and I ended up having a D&C. We were scared to start trying again so it was over a year before we started TTC again. After 4 months of trying we got pregnant with our LO. When she was about 9 months we decided to try again since I'm not getting any younger. Got pregnant again after 3 months. Since I had history of miscarriage, they got me in early and we saw the heartbeat at about 6.5 weeks. I started spotting around 9.5 weeks and naturally miscarried. We waited a few months to start trying again in October 2016. In January I started on Femara. They upped my dose in February and here I am.

How are you doing? Okay. *TW* *LCs Mentioned* A lot of my friends are either pregnant or just had babies. I am obviously happy for them but it makes me more depressed that it isn't as easy for us as it seems to be for them.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unknown. On Femara now.

Updates/questions: None at this time!

Debbie downer (a place to vent): See how I'm doing above.

QOTW: What was your favorite extracurricular activity in school? I did a number of sports but my favorite was volleyball.

[notelsie]

@officedronette, sarahh, welcome and so sorry you are joining us

Sarahh, I am absolutely terrified of getting pregnant and having another u/s only to find an empty sac.. I feel like that image is forever seared into my brain I'm sorry you've had to deal with that too.

[notelsie]

I've been doing ok lately, but my anxiety has been through the roof today.. and I'm feeling kind of angry at the moment. I hate that people have to go through such loss.. and I hate that I know what it feels like now..

[scoutradley]

Mar 22, 2017 21:51:57 GMT -5 notelsie said:

I've been doing ok lately, but my anxiety has been through the roof today.. and I'm feeling kind of angry at the moment. I hate that people have to go through such loss.. and I hate that I know what it feels like now..

I'm so sorry. Anxiety is so tough and even worse when you have actually gone through a situation that most people are worried about anyway. I have noticed that even though I was horribly sad when friends suffered a loss previously, crying even, that it hurts me even more now to know what they have gone through. Having gone through it myself, my empathy is at a thousand. **hugs**

[smores]

misspatty - Sending you hugs. Getting blindsided is tough. Idk what kind of OPKs you are using, but when I used Wondfos I used SMU (often in my work's bathroom) and, when in my FW, I also did another when I got home from work (around 6-ish). When I switched to CBDA I used FMU since that's what the directions on that kind say to do. Also, that is awesome that you were on the radio staff! My HS was really small so we didn't even have a radio station, but that sounds like it would have been fun to be apart of!

scoutradley - I'm glad the massage dilemma resolved itself. One less thing to stress over for now! **TW** Navigating all the emotions that come after a loss and that come with a close friend having a new baby would be so difficult. I don't really have any helpful advice, except, just listen to how you're feeling. If you think you could handle a visit then go for it! But if not, don't feel guilty about that, you can always push it off a little longer. **end TW**

notelsie - Welcome and I am so, very sorry for your loss. Milestones are rough. I haven't passed any big ones with my loss yet, but I do know how even the "little" milestones sting.

inaya - When you do decide to test, my fingers are crossed for you. Navigating insurance changes/issues is never fun. I hope it goes smoothly for you. I know all the "what ifs" are daunting.

mflowers929 - I hope your days off allow you to recharge and that you are able to reschedule to watch your nephew soon!

ldubhawksfan - Sending hugs and sorry about the insurance/RE stress.

@officedronette - Welcome and I'm so sorry for your losses. I have no experience with an early O date (my tends to go the opposite direction), but I'm sorry for the extra stress that is adding to TTC. Hopefully your new RE will be great and will be able to easily modify your regimen to accommodate.

sarahh - Welcome and I am very sorry for your losses. **TW** It is unfair how easy it seems to be for some people. I feel like a lot of people don't talk about their struggles (even if they had them). It's very personal and I totally understand and can respect that decision. Honestly, none of my friends are TTC yet and my loss is still pretty new so I'm not ready to talk openly about it with most of my group, but one thing I have promised myself I will do is to be honest with them about the stuggles we've faced should the opportunity arise. The only thing that has made me feel not so alone through this is the people here and IRL who have shared their TTTC and loss experiences (though I wish none of them/us had to experience any of that).

[sarahh]

smores, its amazing how many people have gone through losses that you didn't know about. I kept my first a secret - really not a secret, I just didn't bring it up - to a lot of people for a long time. Come to find out that a few of my friends had difficult losses too. I'm really lucky to have my sister who has had multiple losses as well because we can talk about it openly. I just wish I had opened up to more people after the first one because maybe the healing would have been a little easier.

[smores]

How are you doing? I'm doing ok, better than last week. I've been keeping very busy.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched. D&C was exactly one week ago and I'm still spotting.

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: None.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I've realized there's no possible way for me to have a 2017 baby. For some reason that is hitting me pretty hard this week.

QOTW: What was your favorite extracurricular activity in school? I did cheerleading in high school. Some of my best memories are from that and I'm still really close friends with one of the girls I met on the squad.

[smores]

sarahh - I'm so glad that it sounds like you had/have a lot of people surrounding you for support. It really makes all the difference. It is tough because I wish so many people had not had to go through this, but at the same time it is nice to know there are so many people that understand. I think you are right though, beginning to tell the people closest to me about my loss has, for me, in some strange way, helped with the healing process.

[ajetter]

Mar 23, 2017 12:39:47 GMT -5 sarahh said:

smores, its amazing how many people have gone through losses that you didn't know about. I kept my first a secret - really not a secret, I just didn't bring it up - to a lot of people for a long time. Come to find out that a few of my friends had difficult losses too. I'm really lucky to have my sister who has had multiple losses as well because we can talk about it openly. I just wish I had opened up to more people after the first one because maybe the healing would have been a little easier.

Yes the amount of people who have gone through a loss definitely surprised me. I was fairly open about my loss because I was 12 weeks. We had just started telling friends, we already knew it was a girl. So many people shared there experiences with me, and it did make it easier to not have to hide my emotions so much. I know that everyone heals differently, but for me I think talking about it helped me heal.

[scoutradley]

smores **tw LC mentioned** I'm kinda glad the massage worked it's self out too. I had plans to go with someone and had wondered whether that was a good enough reason to cancel on her. Thankfully I could just honestly tell her I wouldn't have childcare that day.
I have ended up messaging my friend letting her know I wanted to bring by a care basket, but I think I'll beg off going in to visit on the pretense of not invading their privacy (which I wouldn't want to do anyway). Of course right now I have to wait until everyone in my house is feeling better because H and the boys have a cold.

[Deleted]

TW;LC notelsie - those feelings make a lot of sense. The one bright spot is that though sadly you do know what loss feels like, and it does in my experience, never go away, and that sucks for future pregnancies because they aren't ever "carefree", you have a toddler, and so you know things can and do end happily. Not always, sadly and unfairly, but they can and do. I think that will be helpful for me/my anxiety if we are able to conceive again - unlike with my pregnancy with my daughter, while I know what it feels like to get the worst news of your life and I'm always going to be guarding against it, I also know what it feels like to have things end happily, and I'll be able to turn to that for some balance and comfort to the shitty.

[Deleted]

smores - the 2017 thing would (will?) hit me hard too - there are so many odd loss milestones. Hugs.