Adoption via Fostering-- PPD trigger. Sort of OaD related.

[helenahhandbasket]

So, I have been wanting to discuss this for a while, but wasn't sure how to bring it up.  This may get long.

There's a woman I am FB friends with--but I literally have not seen her since we were 4-grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same pre-school.  We have a bunch of mutual friends and my mom was her first grade teacher, so that's how she found and connected with me on FB (I use my maiden name as part of my FB name).

ANYWAY-- this woman is very vocal about her struggle with PPD/ PPA and GAD, and has one school aged daughter.  She blogs about her depression/ anxiety/ being a mother of an only so I follow her blog because I can relate to a lot of that.  Back in the summer, she blogged about fostering a 2 year old-- saying she always wanted to have 2 LOs, but didn't think she could go thru another pregnancy/ post partum period, so her H and her decided to adopt.  She also talked/ posted openly about this journey on FB, making multiple posts a week about how exciting it was that her family was growing, posted pics from a shower her family thew her, talked about how excited her DD was to be a big sis and so on.

Adoption went thru some time in the fall.  She blogged and posted on FB a bit about getting used to the new routine/ getting used to having a second LO in the house, tantrums, getting up in the middlle of the night etc-- normal stuff that you would expect to hear a mom of a toddler complain about.  She's getting lots of encouragement, lots of positive comments from friends both on her blog and on FB.

One morning, a few weeks ago, there's a FB post about how her and her husband have decided to go back to a family of 3 and the little boy they adopted was no longer a part of the family.  She talked about how it was an extremely difficult decision, but having him in her house had triggered her PPD again and she was barely able to function.  Lots of shocked comments, but all seemed supportive.  There apparently were not any significant behavioral/ developmental disorders that the child had that made her come to the decision, she said she just couldn't handle having 2 kids

I can't help but feel totally devastated for this little boy, though he will likely have no memory of it.  Also, I didn't know you could give a kid back once an adoption went through?  Maybe there's some sort of probation period?  Even though I also felt my PPD and PPA at times was crippling, I know I made the decision to parent and I had to see it through.  Isn't adoption even more of a concious decision to parent? How could you give up like that?

Anyway-- I just have not been able to get it out of my mind.  I have not un-subscribed to her blog-- which is where she's been posting exclusively about the little boy since that one announcement on FB, but I am sort of haunted by this.  Anyone have any insight on adoption via fostering?  Can you just "give back" a baby?

[emmaswan]

I'm not sure the logistics of putting an adopted child back up for adoption...but how sad for that little boy. And for their daughter, who is losing a brother. This doesn't sit right with me in so many ways.

[TheEleventhHour]

That is so sad I worked with kids in the foster system and witnessed foster parents requesting kids be removed from the home but not AFTER the adoption went through, just during the fostering process. Most parents who do foster to adopt have the children long enough that they would realize if fit is wrong or the situation isn't right for their family. At least in MA, cases drag out FOREVER because most judges in my area prefer kids to be with bio family so they allow parents many, many chances to get it together - I worked at my agency for 2.5 years, worked some of the same cases for that entire time, and saw only three kids get officially adopted before I left. Also, most foster parents are made aware of possible challenges through the social worker, foster to adopt classes, etc.

I have never personally heard of any quick foster to adopt cases, as I mentioned my experience is limited and possibly very specific to where I live, but I suppose if the process was really quick this woman maybe didn't have the time to have it all sink in before the adoption was final?

Regardless, very sad. I hope that little boy can find a new forever home quickly!!!

[sandandsea]

I'm heartbroken for this little boy, and the whole family really. I mean, I have to assume that they carefully thought about this decision beforehand and then realized it just really really wasn't working for them in a devastating way. But, it's still so sad.

[sandandsea]

I'm heartbroken for this little boy, and the whole family really. I mean, I have to assume that they carefully thought about this decision beforehand and then realized it just really really wasn't working for them in a devastating way. But, it's still so sad.

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 17, 2015 15:54:25 GMT -5 TheEleventhHour said:

That is so sad I worked with kids in the foster system and witnessed foster parents requesting kids be removed from the home but not AFTER the adoption went through, just during the fostering process. Most parents who do foster to adopt have the children long enough that they would realize if fit is wrong or the situation isn't right for their family. At least in MA, cases drag out FOREVER because most judges in my area prefer kids to be with bio family so they allow parents many, many chances to get it together - I worked at my agency for 2.5 years, worked some of the same cases for that entire time, and saw only three kids get officially adopted before I left. Also, most foster parents are made aware of possible challenges through the social worker, foster to adopt classes, etc.

I have never personally heard of any quick foster to adopt cases, as I mentioned my experience is limited and possibly very specific to where I live, but I suppose if the process was really quick this woman maybe didn't have the time to have it all sink in before the adoption was final?

Regardless, very sad. I hope that little boy can find a new forever home quickly!!!

Thanks for the insight!

I am not sure how quick the process was-- not sure if she'd been fostering for a while and decided to publicly talk about it once they figured out the adoption was going to go through? Or if it just moved quick due to whatever the circumstance is/ was. 

I also hope he finds his forever family soon.

[sandandsea]

sorry, I don't know how to delete the duplicate!!!

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 17, 2015 16:06:30 GMT -5 @yellowwallpaper12 said:

This is incredibly sad from all sides. I'm heartbroken for the boy, but I also feel for the woman suffering from such intense PPD.

Right, like I remember how painful that time of my life was-- there were nights when I laid awake paralyzed with fear/ confusion/ feelings of dread.  But I had to keep reminding myself I chose this (not the PPD, of course-- the parenting) and I could not fail at it.

It sounds like she's managing her illness with meds-- which is great-- but I can't imagine giving up and I am trying not to judge but failing miserably.

[namastebiotches]

This is a really sad story. I sure do hope the kid does not have memories of that happening.

[legomyago]

I can speak to this. Yes, this can happen after adoption - it is called dissolution of the adoption, rather than an adoption disruption (before finalization). It is really rare. If it is through the state, here in Kansas, DCF has to approve the adoption selection and then they can put a waiting period on finalization if needed - oftentimes they require the child to be in the home for at least 6 months before finalizing, and this here is a good example of the why. This can very possibly traumatize the kid, even if he is only two. She probably should have got a psych eval beforehand and maybe family therapy? I have to admit, it makes me feel judgey.

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 17, 2015 16:58:59 GMT -5 legomyago said:

I can speak to this. Yes, this can happen after adoption - it is called dissolution of the adoption, rather than an adoption disruption (before finalization). It is really rare. If it is through the state, here in Kansas, DCF has to approve the adoption selection and then they can put a waiting period on finalization if needed - oftentimes they require the child to be in the home for at least 6 months before finalizing, and this here is a good example of the why. This can very possibly traumatize the kid, even if he is only two. She probably should have got a psych eval beforehand and maybe family therapy? I have to admit, it makes me feel judgey.

Yeah--I won't say what state they are in but I do realize the rules/ regs vary from state to state.

@yellowwallpaper12- you are 100% right that if someone's physical saftey is in jeopardy, this is the right decision.  I can only say what she has shared publicly and thru her blogs, so I am sure I don't know everything.

[penguin129]

My heart goes out to the little boy who lost two families and also to the mom who couldn't make it work. It is a sad story for all involved.

[shakinros]

This wins as the most horrifying thing I have read on GBCB in awhile. Am not limiting my judgy-ness very well even though there may be ALL kinds of mitigating circumstances.

I just... I can't.

[Deleted]

In my state there is a 6-mo period between the initial placing of the child in the home and the finalization of the adoption. My sister fostered a child and like PPs have said, the system is designed to give the bio family many chances to prove they can care for the child. My sis wanted to adopt their foster child and had him for about 2 yrs before the county decided he would go back to his bio family. It was very hard on my sis but they knew going into it that there would be a lot of uncertainty.
I would guess your friend was either actually fostering (with plans to adopt) or in the adoption waiting period, and she just didn't bother to share the logistics.
While it is very sad it didn't work out, I would also have to assume her mental health was suffering so much they felt it was a bad situation for all involved and the boy would be better off in another home. I hope he gets a forever home soon and she gets the mental health care she needs.

[tonksy]

Oh man, the feels I have for this. Also not trying to be judgy, but not entirely making it. I sincerely hope that boy has therapy and is able to find his forever home quickly.
So sad all around.

[smalltownmoon]

I feel really sad reading this.

[eyenigh]

So how long had she fostered before she adopted? I know nothing about this process whatsoever but, as someone else mentioned, given her history, isn't there some sort of psych eval for adopting parents? Not even saying she should be disqualified at that point but more to possibly extend a trial period to see if it all works out?

Could the whole story be bullshit? Like maybe she did get turned down for the adoption but she didn't want to admit it? It just seems weird.

[Deleted]

That is so sad, for everyone involved.

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 17, 2015 20:05:37 GMT -5 lildis said:

How old is the kid? My heart goes out to him, and her bio kid who is also going to be left with a lot of questions/feelings about this situation.

I can't imagine she fostered for very long if they decided they weren't able to do it after adoption was finalized...

lildis-- he is just over 2.  I went back and looked at her page yesterday because I wanted to make sure I was reporting correctly.  Little boy was brought home in late October and her post about returning to a family of 3 was January 3rd.

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 18, 2015 9:00:31 GMT -5 eyenigh said:

So how long had she fostered before she adopted? I know nothing about this process whatsoever but, as someone else mentioned, given her history, isn't there some sort of psych eval for adopting parents? Not even saying she should be disqualified at that point but more to possibly extend a trial period to see if it all works out?

Could the whole story be bullshit? Like maybe she did get turned down for the adoption but she didn't want to admit it? It just seems weird.

eyenigh-- I am not sure how long.  She had openly talked for ages about wanting another but not wanting to go thru TTC/ pregnancy/ infancy (which I get like woah).  I would imagine she had to submit to several psych evals, and I think at the time of the adoption/ or the adoption process, she was doing really well but the presence of the little boy in her home and daily life triggered her illness.

I suppose it's possible she's making up part of the story, but she has like, a ton of blog followers-- including her parents and sister-- and they also made encouraging, kind and thoughtful comments, so that leads me to believe this is real life.

[helenahhandbasket]

I'm sorry for bumming everyone out-- I had to get it out though, because I can't stop thinking about it.

[legomyago]

Adoptive parents may not necessarily get psychological evaluations, but their mental health history would be touched on in the home study. I'm hoping that adoption wasn't finalized before this, and I imagine it wasn't, because it wouldn't be this easy to dissolve an adoption. I am a bit frustrated in maybe her not realizing the impact of her deciding to adopt, then disrupt on a kid is on that child. Even at two, I feel like this is a "ding" against him - I hope future adoptive parents can see the situation for what it is, but oftentimes it scares people to see a kid have a disrupted adoption.

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 18, 2015 10:08:09 GMT -5 legomyago said:

Adoptive parents may not necessarily get psychological evaluations, but their mental health history would be touched on in the home study. I'm hoping that adoption wasn't finalized before this, and I imagine it wasn't, because it wouldn't be this easy to dissolve an adoption. I am a bit frustrated in maybe her not realizing the impact of her deciding to adopt, then disrupt on a kid is on that child. Even at two, I feel like this is a "ding" against him - I hope future adoptive parents can see the situation for what it is, but oftentimes it scares people to see a kid have a disrupted adoption.

It's completly possible the adoption was not finalized-- but maybe it was in those final stages?  She mentioned "bringing him home for good" so I might have misinterpreted that as a finalized adoption. 

That would probably make more sense-- now that you have commented!  I guess that makes me feel a little bit better-- that it's not typical or easy to reverse or dissolve an adoption.

[emmaswan]

Feb 18, 2015 10:17:30 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

Feb 18, 2015 10:08:09 GMT -5 legomyago said:

Adoptive parents may not necessarily get psychological evaluations, but their mental health history would be touched on in the home study. I'm hoping that adoption wasn't finalized before this, and I imagine it wasn't, because it wouldn't be this easy to dissolve an adoption. I am a bit frustrated in maybe her not realizing the impact of her deciding to adopt, then disrupt on a kid is on that child. Even at two, I feel like this is a "ding" against him - I hope future adoptive parents can see the situation for what it is, but oftentimes it scares people to see a kid have a disrupted adoption.

It's completly possible the adoption was not finalized-- but maybe it was in those final stages?  She mentioned "bringing him home for good" so I might have misinterpreted that as a finalized adoption. 

That would probably make more sense-- now that you have commented!  I guess that makes me feel a little bit better-- that it's not typical or easy to reverse or dissolve an adoption.

Perhaps the adoption was still in progress, but something happened? She was "bringing him home for good" but then something fell through with the adoption and it was an ego thing -- easier to say they're going back to being a family of three than to say "they denied us"? Just a thought.

[helenahhandbasket]

@emmaswan- I guess it's possible, but if I were denied and I was embarassed about that-- I would probably say there was an unseen loophole or make up something benign-- not that I gave the kid back, right? That seems so much worse.

Also, she's blogged extensively about this decision-- writing the little boy a letter (apologizing for not being able to take care of him), her dissent into PPD etc and has a lot of people commenting on these posts, including her mom and sister.

[RiseAndWine]

helenahhandbasket thank you for bringing this up. DH and I have been going over and over the discussion of whether or not to expand our family. My mom keeps pressuring us to look into adoption or possibly fostering. It's something DH and I have always said we would consider, even if we had bio children, perhaps down the line. But as we have gotten older and it took some time to conceive DS we feel like now we are too old to have any more or at most only one more. But adoption has been a lingering thought and especially the possibility of adopting an older child and skipping the initial infant stage.

Your post has been enlightening. I did not personally struggle with PPD but DH does suffer anxiety & depression. We would need to really truly research and take our time in making this kind of decision. Knowing that one couple couldn't hack it for whatever the reason is really scary. I am going to try not to judge this woman I don't even know, but it is just a heartbreaking situation. A child isn't a puppy and I don't even like when people give their pets up!

[helenahhandbasket]

Good luck deciding @riseandwine-- it's such a huge decision either way-- bio child or adopting.

Right-- no, like I said I read this woman's blog religiously, because I related to a lot of her struggles. She's an educated, professional woman so it was truly surprising and sad to know the final outcome.

[dmlk413]

This seems weird to me. Wouldn't she have fostered the boy for long enough that by the time she actually adopted him, there shouldn't have been an issue?

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 18, 2015 12:01:08 GMT -5 dmlk413 said:

This seems weird to me. Wouldn't she have fostered the boy for long enough that by the time she actually adopted him, there shouldn't have been an issue?

From what I could gather-- they started the process with weekly overnight visits.  She then got full weekend visits, whch after a while turned into her "bringing him home for good".  I interpreted that as a finalized adoption, but a few have pointed out that there might be some sort of time period where you do have the child living in your home FT, but are still not full legal adoptive parents.

It's within this time period (which from her posts, span about 3 months) that she made the decision not to have the boy stay with them or called the adoption off.

[emarieme]

I'm think it's best I just keep my big fat mouth shut. Instead I am going to spend a few moments thinking of the two children that have both learned a terrible, terrible lesson.