Sleep training for the first time! Help please!

[savigirl]

Please forgive me if I've asked similar questions before, but I've thought about sleep training so many times, but never actually did it.

Anyone know of any good sleep training books specific to toddlers.

DD has bedshared almost exclusively since about 4 months and is at the point she has to be touching someone to stay asleep at night.

For naps we can lay with her until she falls asleep then get up and she'll stay asleep for an hour (two if we lay with her the whole time.)

For bedtime we have to lay with her again until she falls asleep. If we get up she's up within 20 minutes and we have to lay with her again. Frequently in the middle of the night she'll ask us where we are so she can be touching us.

She has a floor bed (twin size) in her room that we used to use more frequently, but with my husband working OOT almost all the time it was just easier to go to bed with her at 9pm.

I recently got rid of the pacifier.
She's still in pull ups.

I really don't even know where to start and the more pregnant I get the more I'd like to have her in her own bed by the time this new babe comes along.

Thanks in advanced!!!!
Wwm14d?

[scotty138]

DS went through a sleep regression around 2 where he wouldn't let us leave the room until he fell asleep. At first we were laying with him or he would cry. Then we started sitting at the end of his bed (twin mattress on the floor), then we sat a little further away each night for several nights until he didn't really need us any more. Our situation was different because he had been sleep trained before that, but it might help to try if you want to keep her in bed.

[becole]

Are you willing to let her cry?

Any attempts by me to teach my toddler to sleep typically involves me leaving the room, shutting the door, and him crying for a bit. Then I go back in and say- go to bed and dry his eyes, then leave again. He then was taking advantage of that as well (it was around 2) and we were having to go in multiple times delaying bedtime. So we told him it was the last time we were coming in until morning and left. 20 minutes of crying. None the following night.
To me bed time is basically a discipline issue. If you tell your child no, you have to sleep here and I'm not going to sleep with you, and they protest, you have to decide how you are willing to handle that. You've got older kids so I'm sure you know your "style" by now and what you're willing to put up with and are not.
Draw the line, be consistent, and in my experience, the toddler follows suit.
However, if you're not consistent or allow them to demand what will occur (mom and dad sleep with me, etc..) they will take advantage of that and will cry and protest and be very angry upon being told that they cannot have what they want.
You could start with Scottys gradual approach and move to locking her in the room if that doesn't work.
There was a thread on parenting about this not too long ago and the majority of folks were saying to lock the child in the room until they get the picture and then unlock the door again.

[savigirl]

Mar 24, 2017 7:07:10 GMT -5 mary97 said:

Does she sleep with a lovie? maybe try a larger stuffed animal so she gets the sensation of touching something.

She has one consistent stuffed animal she sleeps with and a few rotating. At the moment she wants to "hold you" or "hold your arm". The lovey doesn't hold a flame to touching MH or I.

[savigirl]

Mar 24, 2017 7:11:55 GMT -5 becole said:

Are you willing to let her cry?

Any attempts by me to teach my toddler to sleep typically involves me leaving the room, shutting the door, and him crying for a bit. Then I go back in and say- go to bed and dry his eyes, then leave again. He then was taking advantage of that as well (it was around 2) and we were having to go in multiple times delaying bedtime. So we told him it was the last time we were coming in until morning and left. 20 minutes of crying. None the following night.
To me bed time is basically a discipline issue. If you tell your child no, you have to sleep here and I'm not going to sleep with you, and they protest, you have to decide how you are willing to handle that. You've got older kids so I'm sure you know your "style" by now and what you're willing to put up with and are not.
Draw the line, be consistent, and in my experience, the toddler follows suit.
However, if you're not consistent or allow them to demand what will occur (mom and dad sleep with me, etc..) they will take advantage of that and will cry and protest and be very angry upon being told that they cannot have what they want.
You could start with Scottys gradual approach and move to locking her in the room if that doesn't work.
There was a thread on parenting about this not too long ago and the majority of folks were saying to lock the child in the room until they get the picture and then unlock the door again.

I tried a cio method back when she was about 18 months but as you said consistency is key and MH was not in board, but the first night she cried for 40min with check ins, the second 20 minutes. So it was working. I agree consistency is key so whichever method I decide I need to stick with.

My biggest concern is that I taught her to sleep this way. I do feel bad about changing it so drastically and will definitely check out the parenting thread and the scotty gradual method. I'm okay with being firm and consistent once i set the plan into action.

Mh step son was one who we used to lay with him to fall asleep then we could leave. When my step daughter came along she shared a bunk room with my step son and we were firm she stay in there with him. I'm half tempted to try the bunk bed idea again with my step daughter, but feel badly about affecting her sleep bc I expect this to definitely involve some tears.

Thanks for the input and advice. I'll check those resources out!

[becole]

I was referring to Scotty- the previous poster on the board- where she mentions gradually sitting further and further away from your daughter. So don't google Scotty method lol!

That's the thing about any cio/ crying- you have to set your mind to do it once and do it right or those tears are for naught.
It's tough, I get it. I feel like it's a little easier with the toddler because toddlers cry all the time any way.
I read Ferber to st my infant. He does have a lot of chapters on older kid issues but I've not read them. I imagine he would suggest the same "interval checks" where you wait longer and longer each time before going in to console. You can also console inside the room but not in the bed if that makes you feel better.
I get that you created the habit, and that's okay- we've all created habits just to get by. It's the method we use to break the habit that's going to differ for everyone, and like you said- you've got to stick to one and go with it. I hope you get your MH on board because pregnancy and sleeping with the kid sounds like fresh hell.

[savigirl]

becole. Haha! I almost googled scotty method!

I'll re-check out Ferber method.

Sleeping with a toddler while pregnant is getting closer and closer to hell.

MH is a softy so whatever method I decide will start next time he leaves for a new OOT trip and I'll probably have up to 4weeks to solidify the training before he gets back. He's got my back on whatever I decide bc he's not here often enough, but I don't want sabotage again!

[becole]

Mar 24, 2017 12:48:43 GMT -5 savigirl said:

becole. Haha! I almost googled scotty method!

I'll re-check out Ferber method.

Sleeping with a toddler while pregnant is getting closer and closer to hell.

MH is a softy so whatever method I decide will start next time he leaves for a new OOT trip and I'll probably have up to 4weeks to solidify the training before he gets back. He's got my back on whatever I decide bc he's not here often enough, but I don't want sabotage again!

Sounds like a solid plan. Good luck!

[savigirl]

So sleep training via the progressively longer check ins, a la Ferber,did not go as planned last night. I went through the the routine with her in her room, kissed her good night, put up the gait in her doorway. By the 2nd check in she had climbed the gait and was hysterical at the top of the steps. I made the gait higher, offered positive encouragement, and 3rd check in she still climbed the gait. I didn't feel safe wth the gait anymore, so we settled with her sleeping in my bed, but I did not lay with her to fall asleep. She has as upset but went right to sleep. It was 11:25.

Then about 20 min later she was crying and hyperventilating in her sleep calling for me and I had to wake her to settle her. The crying in her sleep continued almost every half hour all night.

I think there's definitely and anxiety component at work here. I need to rethink my method; I may need to temporarily move into her room with her but on a separate sleeping surface to help her ease into this slower. Not sure how comfortable this will be given her room is 8ft by 12ft and I'm 4.5 months pregnant.

Thoughts, suggestions? All appreciated.

Posting and running to work so will check in around lunch and after work.

[scout251]

This is tough. I think if I tried to sleep train DD1 at this point we would have an extremely hard time and a lot of that anxiety behavior too. As it is, she's regressed and needs the door open a bit and a night light on. I honestly don't have any suggestions at the moment but I'm at the vet with my dog & will think about it. Just offering support and commiseration.

[lrmrtn]

I think that it is going to be rough in the beginning and you are just going to have to give it a few nights before it starts clicking. I think if you keep having DD sleep in your bed or sleep in her room, you are just going to prolong it, but it's up to you whether you are comfortable with that. For us, DS never co-slept so I can't offer any advice there but when we did sleep train, I was willing to endure few days of CIO to get it over and done with rather than a few weeks of dragging it out.

If you are worried about the gate, can you get one of those childproof locks for the door handle so you can close her door and she can't open it?

[becole]

Sleep training with our toddler only worked with the door completely shut. He doesn't get out of bed but I think the visual that he cannot get out is helpful. He knows when we leave, he cannot get out. We reassure him once or twice and then he's on his own. But he also wasn't waking all night long crying in his sleep. Idk what to make of that.

[activebaby]

I read a little of a book that was not a cio. It's a long process but it basically would support a bedtime routine, then sleeping in her room until she falls asleep, sleeping further and further away from her, then being in there a shorter and shorter time. I don't envy you.

[becole]

One thing to remember about sleep problems and sleep training... everyone needs sleep.
Yes children need sleep and also adults. Your child keeping you up all night is not okay. Your sleep is just as important as the child's. They need help learning how to sleep if they are not used to sleeping on their own, but ultimately the end goal and not necessarily the way you get there is most important. The same method won't work for all kids. But your sleep is important too. Just as important as hers.

[emmagk]

DS also associated door closed with being in bed and not getting out so I'd suggest closing the door and using a child proof handle. I leave the lights on low for a few minuets after i leave then turn them out, he also has a flash light he can use. If i leave the lights on then he stays up playing in his bed.

The only toddler training we've had to do was after travel has messed him up and we've had a couple days of CIO again. But we did the initial training when he was 6m and he's never slept in our bed, so i don't know how you break that association now

[scout251]

Just an additional note, when we did sleep train DD1, she was a year old but we also could not do check ins. She just freaked out more and it prolonged the crying.

[savigirl]

Thanks so much for all the support and advice. I appreciate it. Still rethinking how to best move forward so she can learn to sleep on her own.

[comicSans]

I'm sorry, this sounds awful for you. I don't have any advice, but do what you think is best for you and her. I don't mind letting the baby cry, but it would be incredibly difficult to see my toddler struggle like that. We've had some battles over her not wanting to be alone, and she's cried some, but it's relatively innocuous. The attachment and anxiety you're dealing with would hurt my heart too much to just let her cry since it sounds like she really needs to feel safe and that right now comes from you being there. Have you considered consulting with an expert to come up with a customized plan?

[savigirl]

comicSans thanks so much for your kind words. Last nights more gentle method went much better, but I will seek help if this more slow method doesn't work. I think some of the anxiety comes from my husbands inconsistent OOT work. He works away for anywhere from 2-20+ days with little more than a days warning. Her step brother also comes and goes inconsistently. I think I'm her constant and she worries I will go away too without knowing when I'll return.

[savigirl]

I decided to put a second twin mattress on the floor in her room last night with a body pillow in between to act as a soft barrier. She did awesome and fell asleep with me in the room, but not touching her. She did check to make sure I was there a few times, and was comforted when I was. Only 2 night wake ups and we only had to hold hands a few minutes the one time to get her back to sleep. This is great progress in the right direction for us. Thanks for all your support!!

[scout251]

Glad you had some success without any trauma!

[emmagk]

savigirl, i'm glad you found a method that's working for you

[becole]

Apr 20, 2017 5:36:58 GMT -5 savigirl said:

I decided to put a second twin mattress on the floor in her room last night with a body pillow in between to act as a soft barrier. She did awesome and fell asleep with me in the room, but not touching her. She did check to make sure I was there a few times, and was comforted when I was. Only 2 night wake ups and we only had to hold hands a few minutes the one time to get her back to sleep. This is great progress in the right direction for us. Thanks for all your support!!

It sounds like you've found something that will work. Your situation with your husband leaving sounds unique. Maybe lulu has some advice for dealing with separation anxiety. I would also talk to your pediatrician. My niece on Hs side was pulling her hair out at this age over not spending time with her dad. They did some therapy and figured it out. I understand wanting to be gentle and comfort her if she needs it. You're her mother and you know her best.