Seeking Advice re How to Wean a Toddler

[Deleted]

I'm looking for advice on the most respectful way to wean my toddler (20 months).  I've been preparing her for a couple weeks now that she's getting bigger and doesn't need Momma's milk anymore, that Momma's body isn't making as much milk anymore, and that some day, Momma won't have any more milk - but that we can always cuddle.

We're now down to just the bedtime session - we cut out morning nursing last week, and she hasn't nursed to nap either in over a week (which was a weekend only thing bc she's in daycare).  

I would really like to stop the bedtime session.  I have been trying to cut her down and not allow her to nurse more than a few minutes on either side, and continue to snuggle her and rock if she's awake and would prefer that to going in the crib (sometimes she says "crib" as she just wants to lay down).  I know the first time we do no nursing, she is likely going to lose her ever-loving mind.  She also seems to want me to do the comforting - she will not be comforted by my husband's snuggles at nap time when she wants to nurse (I was gone one afternoon and she screamed for the entirety of the two hours), but has accepted my "no boobs" stance and will let me rock her to sleep.

I'm feeling some urgency because I am barely pregnant (9 DPO, faintest of lines two days in a row) and have a history of loss.  A friend lost a pregnancy while nursing her toddler and the nurse was a total jerk to her and told her it was probably because she was still nursing, so I have that in my head, regardless of whether it's accurate.  Plus, I've been done for weeks if I'm being honest, which is why I've started trying to reduce in preparation for weaning.  

What say you, wise nursing TCFers?  

[flippinchica]

I have no weaning advice because I am struggling to cut down nursing my 19 month old and starting to feel done and I also have a loss hx but I want to comment and say that that nurse can kick rocks. She is an idiot and should not be working in an ob office if she is that insensitive. Most losses are caused by genetic issues in the embryo and not because mom is nursing. That is BS.
Good luck with weaning and pgal brain and I am following for weaning advice.

[vvvvvfee]

my first suggestion would have been to pass her off to your H and have him take over the bedtime routine, or even for the two of you to alternate, so that you were only nursing her every other night. but if you think LO will lose it with this approach, i say it's not worth the agony to try to attempt it.

another strategy is to just decrease the length of your nightly nursing session until it disappears. set a limit for length- the length of a song, or until you count up to a certain number. then when time is up, brightly say "all done!" and then do some cuddles. then begin shortening the countdown, or perhaps only nursing every other night. but once you get down to a very short session, she will probably begin to lose interest on her own. this method worked well for me with my own high-needs DS1-- he would rather have a super-short nursing session than be refused outright-- and eventually i was able to cut the desired session altogether.

distraction is helpful, too- if she's upset about a shorter session or not nursing, maybe you can read books together or play together or even watch a little toddler-friendly TV to take her mind off of nursing.

other moms have had success with offering LO warm WCM as a nursing substitute (or whatever LO drinks- maybe add some honey to make it extra appealing), and rocking/cuddling while LO drinks it to wind down before bed (followed by tooth-brushing of course).

congrats! don't worry about nursing while pregnant-- the uterus is not even sensitive to oxytocin until you are close to term. so unless you are placed on total pelvic rest, everything i have read states that you can safely nurse through pregnancy. (if you want to read more on that see here: A New Look at the Safety of Breastfeeding During Pregnancy by Hilary Dervin Flower, MA or this post from Dr. Jack Newman, a breastfeeding expert)

and just as an FYI if you do continue to nurse, the taste of your milk will begin to change as you get further into 1st trimester due to hormonal changes from pregnancy, and some kids (but not all, as i can personally attest) lose interest because of that. so that may help you along should you run into difficulties, which hopefully you will not.

[seamonster]

I changed up the bedtime routine because DS was nursing to sleep and I was ready to wean. I put brushing teeth after nursing and moved stories to after that, followed by songs and cuddles and bed (we still have a ridiculously elaborate routine). The change helped because it made it clear things were going to be didferent. I told him he could nurse as we counted down to 1 and since we normally did both sides, we did this on both sides. We started at 60 and worked our way down to 30 and then I started not offering at all. If he wanted we'd count down from 30 and that was it.

[billyhorrible]

What happens when you're not home at bedtime? Does that ever happen?

With my oldest, that was also the last session to go. He was also 20/21 months. He didn't nurse to sleep, but it was part of the bedtime routine. However, both my kids are fine going to bed without nursing if I'm not home. We just had my husband do bedtime, and offer milk in a cup before bed for my oldest. If that doesn't work, maybe you leave the house at bedtime? Sometimes it's easier when they know nursing isn't possible.

[Deleted]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate all of the helpful advice. Tonight I explained that there's less milk as she grows bigger and that I'll let her know when it's all gone and I kept her to under 3 min a side. I'll shoot for 2:30 tomorrow.

flippinchica - she should kick rocks - it was such an awful thing to say to someone who was grieving.

vvvvvfee - thanks! I'm hoping that the taste change may help me. For now I'm going with the reduction method and hoping for the best. She accepted being cut off tonight but wanted to rock and snuggle for-ev-er. Which is fine if it gets us where we need to go.

seamonster - I will keep in mind the teeth brushing if simply reducing doesn't do the trick. That's a good strategy, since now she wants to nurse to sleep, so I might need to separate the nursing from the sleep.

billyhorrible - if I'm not at home, she does fine for either my husband or my mother. But if she knows that I was home, she won't be cooperative. So I don't think I would be able to just leave - I would have to not come home. But it's worth a try if I need another tool in the toolkit.