Feeling conflicted...

[hbrockman01]

So I need some advice... I understand you all haven't gone through anything like divorce but I'm still unsure what to do...

For the last 4wks or so A has been working with her old dance instructor to prepare for the recital at the end of April. Since she's not in school/daycare any longer I was afraid she wouldn't get to do anything such as this but an opportunity presented itself. I paid for the recital costume and her dance teacher comes to the house on my time. The dress rehearsal and recital are both on my days with her. My question is... (I'm sure you probably already know)

Do I tell him about it or do I leave it alone? I'm afraid that IF he comes (big if) he would bring his parents and the last thing I want is a face to face with them after. I also fear that it would upset her if he came and she couldn't leave with him (we had issues when she was doing soccer).

Part of me feels like I have gone through and paid for all this and I'm the one working with her, plus it's my time so he shouldn't be included. But then the other part of me fears he would try to hold it over my head if I didn't include him.

I'm conflicted on being nice or selfish!

Help!!

[mominthemaking14]

hbrockman01, clearly no experience here but from what I 've been told you have to be the bigger person. There may come a time when he pays for and does something with A and you may want to be included even if its no on your time, etc.

In regards to his parents, its fair for you to ask him to not invite them right now since your transition is still new and that you'd prefer for if he can make it that just he come to the event. I don't know the dynamics of his parents but you are not required to interact with them. If he wants to buy the video to share with them he can and hopefully once the scab closes you would be open to inviting the parents ...

Just my two cents.

[sstwinklinglites]

It would depend for me. If it's a nasty non - amicable divorce, I wouldn't invite him. If things are ok between us, then I would.

If you're sure he won't show, maybe just go ahead and invite him.

[bazingaa]

I have no experience, but yeah it's your time and your money... but its her recital. Is it going to be something she would want her dad and grandparents at? You, obviously not and for valid reasons. But putting her first, what would she want? As long as he is/continues to be good to her and the grandparents are/continue to be good to her, I don't think you shut them out of events in her life because of hard feelings between you and him/them. That's the shitty part of divorce. Would be nice to be rid of all of them, but you can't for your daughters sake.

Edit for clarity

[mrscatfarmer13]

Does A want him to be there? I would probably invite him if it were me. It's not like you have to sit next to each other. This is an important event, imo. It will be her time to shine and he should be given the opportunity to support her (even if he decides not to come). I can't imagine how difficult it is to navigate these waters, but it will get easier.

[hbrockman01]

This isn't even the hardest set of waters to navigate... her birthday coming up... I'm unsure what to do there!!! Ugh...

[becole]

Mar 28, 2017 16:23:23 GMT -5 hbrockman01 said:

This isn't even the hardest set of waters to navigate... her birthday coming up... I'm unsure what to do there!!! Ugh...

Co parenting class and maybe even some divorce counseling or mediation would really help you all work through these issues and how to proceed in As best interest and keep the communication open. The court can order parenting classes so don't be afraid to ask for it.

[becole]

Why isn't she in daycare now? I must have missed that.

[hbrockman01]

He didn't want to pay for it... and I couldn't afford it on my own... shit the way it is it's been since November and I haven't received any help from him whatsoever

[becole]

Aren't you both working? Who is watching her? I would think your attorney would get right on that- isn't there spousal/ child support that can be ordered during the pending divorce proceedings? Like a temporary order?

[hbrockman01]

My mom keeps her, and yeah but him and his attorney are contesting it... that's part of the reason why I'm not divorced... he's claiming I don't need it because I work 2 jobs, yet I'm only working 2 jobs because I need the help... it's a GIANT cluster

[becole]

Mar 28, 2017 19:20:01 GMT -5 hbrockman01 said:

My mom keeps her, and yeah but him and attorney are contesting it... that's part of the reason why I'm not divorced... he's claiming I don't need it because I work 2 jobs, yet I'm only working 2 jobs because I need the help... it's a GIANT cluster

Yeah he's going to have to pay regardless but he can fight it all he wants. I would remind him that when A grows up, she will know whether he wanted to pay or didn't and he will have to sit with that judgement. My H judges his dad hard for the fact that when he turned 18 he asked him to sign off on not having to pay support anymore- it was ordered to 22 when they graduated college. He didn't help pay for college or anything and the support was measly and his mom didn't ask for more than the original amount. And now I know what a cheapskate he is too. He's a good man but these things stay with you. He's not sticking it to you- he's sticking it to himself.

[hbrockman01]

I keep saying if I could have it my way he'd be out of her life period... but the lack of support he thinks it's hurting me, it hurts her... but whatever I'm still surviving and she's just fine... I just want to be done with it all! One thing at a time starting with this recital lol

[dogmama22]

My mom invited my dad to everything, all the time. He never showed. It's a tough call, because that's hurtful, but as an adult, I hold nothing against my mom because I know she tried.

[sstwinklinglites]

My aunt divorced her abusive husband when her kids were young (three kids). Through nothing my aunt did my cousins had a very poor relationship with their father. He never showed to any of their things, never did a single thing for them outside of court ordered, and he's a miserable SOB to this day. Kids aren't stupid and they pick up on all these things.

Your ex is ruining his own relationship with his kid and it'll catch up to him.

[vlagroupie]

I would invite him, if you don't it will look bad on you. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed. Yeah you paid for it, but it seems like the recital is a big deal for her, so he should have the opportunity to be included. If he doesn't show, then he is the one ruining the relationship.

[becole]

I would probably do invites based on what A wants. It's hard though because if he doesn't invite you to things than it's hard not to reciprocate. You all need to be on the same page for As sake.

[mominthemaking14]

Mar 28, 2017 19:20:01 GMT -5 hbrockman01 said:

My mom keeps her, and yeah but him and his attorney are contesting it... that's part of the reason why I'm not divorced... he's claiming I don't need it because I work 2 jobs, yet I'm only working 2 jobs because I need the help... it's a GIANT cluster

That's so sad!! Wasn't she being moved up and advanced. I hate when divorce hits the kids.

[hbrockman01]

mominthemaking14 - yeah she was testing out at a kindergarten level, aside from the PT stuff she's advanced... she not only was moved, but pulled from school, dance, and soccer... I've done what I can to keep her active (she did winter soccer and now the recital). That just brings me back to the point of I do what I can for her with what I have with no help from him. Its frustrating but we are doing ok... if I didn't have to pull her out of all that I wouldn't have but $900 a month just wasn't doable... it'll get better.

one day at a time...

[mominthemaking14]

Mar 29, 2017 8:29:24 GMT -5 hbrockman01 said:

mominthemaking14 - yeah she was testing out at a kindergarten level, aside from the PT stuff she's advanced... she not only was moved, but pulled from school, dance, and soccer... I've done what I can to keep her active (she did winter soccer and now the recital). That just brings me back to the point of I do what I can for her with what I have with no help from him. Its frustrating but we are doing ok... if I didn't have to pull her out of all that I wouldn't have but $900 a month just wasn't doable... it'll get better.

one day at a time...

Yes one day at a time! You got this ---