TTCAL 4/18-4/24

[scoutradley]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive, after a loss, every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: What is your favorite sweet treat?

[mflowers929]

Good morning scoutradley


How are you doing? I'm feeling a little far away today. My brain won't seem to focus on any one thing, and I was staring at children at the shops...

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched) Benched

Diagnosis (if applicable) Unexplained RPL

Updates/questions Just got back from my doctors appointment. Not a whole lot of progress made, and it's basically just waiting until we TTC again. Doctor went over my bloodwork again, confirmed that everything they normally check for is negative, checked my liver, thyroid, breathing, the whole 9 yards.
The working theory right now is blood clots, so I'm to continue taking baby aspirin and as soon as I get a PPT, I'm to start taking heparin. If that doesn't work then it will be my 3rd loss, and I'll be referred to the fertility center.

Debbie downer (a place to vent) Not looking forward to having to shoot myself up every night =/
Also, I feel like I'm having a lot of anxiety about waiting. I know it's the best thing all around, and having a set date helps, but I wish we could be working towards it now.

QOTW: What is your favorite sweet treat? All of it? If I had to pick one thing though, I'd probably pick chocolate *typed as I'm munching on malted mini eggs*

[Rama]

How are you doing? Not half bad

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): shrug

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, EP, MMC, oglio-/anovulation

Updates/questions: Appointment on Thursday. Hoping to get some answers.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm just a little worried about MrRama. He sprung being sad about our losses on me as I was getting out of the car when we got home yesterday. I'm just worried that her doesn't have an outlet (except for me) and that it's wearing on him.

QOTW: What is your favorite sweet treat? Hmm, hard. Maybe cheesecake?

[scoutradley]

How are you doing? I'm super tired. Plus just waiting for fertile time to show. Annoying waiting game.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): PID

Updates/questions: none really. Found out that my LP is on the shorter end of average and I O a little later. Neither is a super big deal, but I'm definitely wishing I knew if this was a newer development.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): **all the TWs** I shared last week that a person came to me with the news that she is KU and that it wasn't a super great situation. I've also shared that in my family my grandmother has had a great grandchild every year for four years and we were supposed to have the '17 baby and we're not now. Well the person who is KU is the gf of a family member so her baby is now going to be the '17 grandbaby. I'm trying so hard to let it go. To accept that there is nothing I can do to change the facts and that this means we can potentially keep up with the tradition in '18, but I'm definitely struggling and feeling depressed.

QOTW: What is your favorite sweet treat? Anything chocolate!

[scoutradley]

@mflowers good morning! I'm sorry you're feeling off. Also I'm sorry about the shots!

Rama I'm so sorry about Mr. Rama. Men just don't have the outlets we do. Do y'all happen to know another couple who have had a loss? Maybe the male SO in that couple could be someone he could talk to? H and I have mutual friends who have been in a similar situation and I know that H has talked to him a little and it helped a bit. I don't think they talked a lot because neither of them are chatty about those sorts of situations but they have both been there for each other when they needed someone who understood their unique position.

[Rama]

Apr 18, 2017 10:03:00 GMT -5 scoutradley said:

@mflowers good morning! I'm sorry you're feeling off. Also I'm sorry about the shots!

Rama I'm so sorry about Mr. Rama. Men just don't have the outlets we do. Do y'all happen to know another couple who have had a loss? Maybe the male SO in that couple could be someone he could talk to? H and I have mutual friends who have been in a similar situation and I know that H has talked to him a little and it helped a bit. I don't think they talked a lot because neither of them are chatty about those sorts of situations but they have both been there for each other when they needed someone who understood their unique position.

He's not much of a social person.  I've had many people offer to talk to him and we do have loss friends (@led), but he's just very internal with it.  I don't think it's a thing like he doesn't want to talk about it with someone so much as it's a really private thing for him that he doesn't want to share?  This was part of the reason we were seeking grief counseling, but they're not available at any time that works for him (AKA exactly his work hours only).

So, basically, he doesn't have friends to chat with about it like I do, so I'm the only person he talks to about it.

[smores]

How are you doing? I'm doing well overall.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC - CD2 YAY! I feel 100% ready to try again and also 100% not ready. I'm hoping its just a first post-loss cycle thing.

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: Not much here. I'm seeing one of my BFF's tomorrow who I haven't seen one on one since my loss, and therefore have not told her about it. If the convo turns that direction, I decided I'm going to tell her. Last time I told someone I got super emotional, which I know is ok, but I'm hoping to be able to tell her about it without a mental breakdown.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): **Trigger Warning OPP** On Easter a friend and her husband announced (on FB) that they are pregnant and due in October. Which is when I was due. I wasn't expecting it and it stabbed me right in the heart. She is really more like a friend of a friend, but I do see her and her husband when our whole friend group hangs out, which is like once every three months. Of course, the next one is this Saturday... at my house... I feel terrible, but I kind of hope they bail. If they don't, I will be having all the alcohol. I already told my two closest friends (who know about my loss) that they will need to be my drinking buddies that night.

QOTW: What is your favorite sweet treat? I certainly cannot pick one! Top three? Donuts, brownie sundaes, and funfetti cake

[sarahh]

How are you doing? Frustrated. This is the last month that my RE wants me to do Femara before possibly trying IUI. I'm on OD 8 or 9 now so there is some hope for this month, but I have a feeling it will be a BFN again.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unknown infertility

Updates/questions: None - just biding my time trying not to go symptom crazy. I've only googled one symptom so far this month so that's progress?

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nothing this week.

QOTW: What is your favorite sweet treat? Everything? Well not pie. Cheesecake, ice cream, candy, etc. For some reason I don't like pie crust.

[smores]

mflowers929 - I'm sorry you didn't feel there was much more progress from your appointment and about the shots. I've got my fingers crossed that you never need that referral to the fertility clinic.

Rama - I'm sorry YH is feeling down. I do feel like him being able to talk about it would help, but my husband doesn't want to talk about it with his friends either so I get that. I wish I had better advice, but I think all you can do is be there for him, listen when he needs to talk, and maybe continue to gently encourage him to open up about it to a friend or someone he trusts (other than you). I hope your appointment goes well on Thursday.

scoutradley - I'm so sorry you're struggling. I wish I could give you a big hug. I struggled a lot to when I realized there was no way I could have a 2017 baby anymore. It's a tough pill. I hope that we both get our 2018 rainbows.

[smores]

sarahh - Sorry you're feeling frustrated. I'll have my fingers crossed for you this cycle.

[Rama]

I feel like I've misrepresented MrRama.  He's not interested in talking to someone casually about our loss and not because of any other reason than he doesn't feel comfortable doing so.  Encouraging or nagging him to talk to someone would only make him feel unsafe with me and keep EVERYTHING to himself, so I'm not interested in making him do anything he doesn't want to.  I'm just sad and worried because he has no support like I do.  He doesn't seek out said support and he doesn't feel safe with anyone else to talk about it.  It's not something he's hiding, per se, just that he doesn't feel like making smalltalk about it, kwim? 

Basically, think of our emotional roles as "switched" when it comes to typical husband-wife stereotypes when it comes to things like loss.  He's isolated and hurting, while I'm over it.  Mentally, I think a therapist would feel different for him (because he knows their function is to be impartial and that his job would be to be honest in order to get help), but that isn't currently an option due to finances.

[mflowers929]

Rama, I'll keep my fingers crossed for your appointment. I'm sorry that your H is having such a hard time. I know for my H, the worst part for him was seeing me so broken. It's really difficult, and I can see now why so many people end up separating after the loss of a child. Hopefully you guys can lean on each other at least, even if he doesn't want to talk to anyone else about it. I'm a huge fan of open and honest conversation as the means to get through difficult situations.

scoutradley, yeah, definitely not looking forward to it, but at least I get to squick my BFF out about it and laugh at her reaction =D
All the hugs for your family situation. I know it definitely isn't ideal.

smores, I hope not either, and that I've done enough in the intervening years to get to a place where I don't have issues, but that's buoyed by the previous experiences.
**TW** I had a similar experience with an announcement by someone I knew. She was a coworker and ended up having her child just a month after I would have had my first. It definitely struck me right in my gut. I hope that you're able to deal with this situation, and I don't think anyone would care if you had to duck into the bathroom for 5 or 10 minutes to take care of your sanity.

sarahh, FX for you!

[Rama]

Apr 18, 2017 12:12:50 GMT -5 mflowers929 said:

I know for my H, the worst part for him was seeing me so broken. It's really difficult, and I can see now why so many people end up separating after the loss of a child. Hopefully you guys can lean on each other at least, even if he doesn't want to talk to anyone else about it. I'm a huge fan of open and honest conversation as the means to get through difficult situations.

First bold:  I think this has something to do with it.  I was actually really depressed/messed up before we got pregnant and very, very happy afterwards.  He mourns the loss of my good mood, too.  I'm...kind of a terror when I'm depressed.

Second bold: We are, thankfully.  Our conversations are always welcoming and candid and we make sure to be there for one another any time it comes up.  It's important to us to do this.  That's the reason I feel like defending his isolation, even if I'm worried about it. :)

[scoutradley]

Rama I don't think you misrepresented him. At least not to me anyway. I understand not feeling comfortable talking to people about it and can see why he would be hesitant. And you're right, if he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it, bringing it up would just push him away. I'm so sorry a grief counselor or therapist aren't options for you right now.

Edit to clarify: bringing up talking to people he about the loss would maybe push him to not confide in you. H doesn't really talk to me about our loss but he doesn't seem to mind me bringing it up and he is 100% supportive of me talking to him about whatever it is upsetting me. If he suggested I talked to a friend instead/also I would probably be upset. I do, but I'm not sure he knows that I do.

[smores]

Rama - I was probably projecting. Talking about our loss with friends was helpful for me, but I understand that will not the case for everyone. I'm glad you are able to have good conversations with him about it when he needs you, or vice versa. I hope he is able to find healing through whatever means.

[smores]

mflowers929 - Thanks. I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to successfully get through the evening and have fun even if they do come. I'll just have to take a deep breath and center myself before congratulating them. I really am happy for them. It will just be hard seeing them so happy and knowing that should have been us, too. You know? It helps that I'll have 3 BFF's there that know about the loss and can subtly intervene if needed, or cover for me if I need to duck out for a minute to take a breath.

misspatty - Thank you. I remember you talking about that here. I hope it gets easier for you and you are able to attend your book club again when you are ready.

[kariann12]

How are you doing? Doing pretty well.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): unexplained IF

Updates/questions: Waiting very (im)patiently for my first loss period. I mean, we've been having all the sex, so in an ideal world I wouldn't get one, but I"m also very realistic. I just want to be pregnant again SO BAD. It's like I'm blaming myself for my first loss, and just want another chance to do it all over again. Does that make sense? Or maybe just to me.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Been doing well lately, not much to vent about this week.

QOTW: What is your favorite sweet treat? Chocolate chip cookie dough, raw. Or warm brownies with PB chips in them.

mflowers929 I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I have a lot of anxiety about waiting too, so I totally get it. And booo to the shots, those sounds like no fun at all.

Rama I totally get your feelings about MrRama. I feel like MH is internalizing everything too, except he doesn't tell me about it. I'm sure he's still hurting/healing, but he doesn't give me any indication of it. SOmetimes I wish he was more emotional so I knew he was going on in his head.

[Rama]

kariann12 I think I know what you mean re: wanting to get pregnant and kind of blaming yourself. It's not that I know I actually did anything wrong or actually *blame* myself for what happened, but since I carried it, it's me that caused the loss? Confusing to describe, but I think I get you. I just want to get pregnant and not be not pregnant anymore, too.

[kariann12]

Apr 18, 2017 16:03:34 GMT -5 Rama said:

kariann12 I think I know what you mean re: wanting to get pregnant and kind of blaming yourself. It's not that I know I actually did anything wrong or actually *blame* myself for what happened, but since I carried it, it's me that caused the loss? Confusing to describe, but I think I get you. I just want to get pregnant and not be not pregnant anymore, too.

yeah, I don't actually blame myself. It's more of a "give me another chance, I'll do better" kinda feeling. It's weird to explain. 

[Rama]

Apr 18, 2017 16:06:14 GMT -5 kariann12 said:

Apr 18, 2017 16:03:34 GMT -5 Rama said:

kariann12 I think I know what you mean re: wanting to get pregnant and kind of blaming yourself. It's not that I know I actually did anything wrong or actually *blame* myself for what happened, but since I carried it, it's me that caused the loss? Confusing to describe, but I think I get you. I just want to get pregnant and not be not pregnant anymore, too.

yeah, I don't actually blame myself. It's more of a "give me another chance, I'll do better" kinda feeling. It's weird to explain. 

Exactly.  Exactly, exactly.  For me, it's kind of like playing a game, getting a Game Over and wanting to throw myself into the level until I win.  I need that win.

[kariann12]

Apr 18, 2017 16:08:09 GMT -5 Rama said:

Apr 18, 2017 16:06:14 GMT -5 kariann12 said:

yeah, I don't actually blame myself. It's more of a "give me another chance, I'll do better" kinda feeling. It's weird to explain. 

Exactly.  Exactly, exactly.  For me, it's kind of like playing a game, getting a Game Over and wanting to throw myself into the level until I win.  I need that win.

EXACTLY!

[ajetter]

Apr 18, 2017 16:06:14 GMT -5 kariann12 said:

Apr 18, 2017 16:03:34 GMT -5 Rama said:

kariann12 I think I know what you mean re: wanting to get pregnant and kind of blaming yourself. It's not that I know I actually did anything wrong or actually *blame* myself for what happened, but since I carried it, it's me that caused the loss? Confusing to describe, but I think I get you. I just want to get pregnant and not be not pregnant anymore, too.

yeah, I don't actually blame myself. It's more of a "give me another chance, I'll do better" kinda feeling. It's weird to explain. 

so much this. And really I don't blame myself, but I do kind of blame my body. If that makes sense. Like I don't think I necessarily could have done anything different, but I feel like my body failed me.

[ajetter]

How are you doing? Good enough.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, WTO

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Officially no 2017 baby for us. I'have this feeling in my gut that I'll never get pregnant again. Why, I have no idea. But I feel like I've lost all hope. It's dumb.

QOTW: What is your favorite sweet treat? Warm brownies and ice cream. Hands down.

[Deleted]

How are you doing? Pretty good.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): NTNP. I haven't talked to my Dr yet, but I did some research which indicated that it wasn't really required to wait for a first period to try again after a very early loss. Since my cycles are typically long, it is unlikely that we hit any fertile days but I'm not temping right now so I wouldn't know for sure.

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, hypothyroid, and RH neg

Updates/questions: my Dr appointment got moved to tomorrow from last week, and I don't get to see my regular Dr

Debbie downer (a place to vent): no vents today

QOTW: What is your favorite sweet treat?
I love chocolate oatmeal cake with homemade vanilla buttercream

[kariann12]

Apr 18, 2017 16:32:49 GMT -5 ajetter said:

Apr 18, 2017 16:06:14 GMT -5 kariann12 said:

yeah, I don't actually blame myself. It's more of a "give me another chance, I'll do better" kinda feeling. It's weird to explain. 

so much this. And really I don't blame myself, but I do kind of blame my body. If that makes sense. Like I don't think I necessarily could have done anything different, but I feel like my body failed me.

Yes, this! I thought if I ever got pregnant my body would figure it's shit out. Clearly not.

[scoutradley]

@sparky85 I need the recipe for that cake!!!

[Deleted]

Apr 18, 2017 17:55:01 GMT -5 scoutradley said:

@sparky85 I need the recipe for that cake!!!

I've only had chocolate oatmeal cake with vanilla buttercream at a restaurant, but here is a recipe for chocolate oatmeal cake with chocolate marshmallow fudge frosting which is to die for: pinchofyum.com/the-worlds-best-chocolate-oatmeal-cake

[Deleted]

scoutradley
Here is the recipe I use for vanilla buttercream (and vanilla cupcakes).
sallysbakingaddiction.com/2013/04/20/very-vanilla-cupcakes/

[mflowers929]

I gotta tell you guys something kinda funny. I've been lurking the grad thread today (remember what I said about staring at kids? yeah...). H was sitting next to me at his computer, and all of the sudden I catch him looking over and checking out the pics too. I looked over at him and he did the "I'm not looking!" thing lol

[scoutradley]

@sparky85 thanks!! I'm going to have to make that for the next dinner I host!