Toy Gun Dilemma

[Rama]

I'm really torn on this. I think it's a good idea to teach your kids safety, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying a toy that either you or YH wouldn't want your kids having/playing with.

IME, my dad (white) has several firearms because it's something he enjoys (shooting range, hunting in the past, collecting), and he taught me weapon safety without ever having to play with toys. Admittedly, he did show/share us some of his live rifles, explained how they worked, and impressed very heavily on me that they were not to be touched. If I found one, I was to not touch it, find an adult, and let them deal with it. He may have gone somewhat overboard because to this day, I'm really nervous around live firearms (despite going to a range with him once).

Would you trust your H's family members to teach your kids about firearm safety or help you do so? My husband has expressed interest over the past few years about having a firearm in our house for safety, but until I'm comfortable with them, I don't want one -- fake or not -- in my house. And, frankly, a water pistol just isn't going to cut it.

[giantpeach]

Personally, I would not buy the toy gun. Hard pass. I understand that guns may be apart of his life once he gets older but just like @rama I had guns in my household and was taught the boundaries associated with guns without having a toy gun.

[pearlofwisdom]

Right. I don't think you have to buy a toy gun just to teach that particular lesson. And if you're uncomfortable then I definitely wouldn't. Your therapist should understand that.

[schmella]

We plan to teach our children gun safety because, no matter how hard we try, there are unforseeable circumstances that may come up and I want them to understand what to do. As for toy guns... I struggle with that one myself. I nannied for a family that committed to a very strict "no toy guns" policy and that kid could turn EVERY TOY into a gun. And pointed it at people. I'd rather teach my kid that you can't point and shoot at people, whether it's a toy or not, in a situation where I'm in control. So while I came in here to respond that I disagree with the therapist, I find myself seeing a very small area of agreement... can you restrict the toy to therapeutic purposes? Or is part of the therapy unrestricted access?

ETA I'm not even going to pretend I can relate to your fears.

[rainbowbridge14]

If the toy gun is meant to teach "setting boundaries, establishing safety protocols, and articulating aggressive feelings" then there have to be alternatives that could be used for the same purpose. I agree that maybe it's the therapist that needs to change. When I have done therapy, under very different situations, I have found that certain therapists simply couldn't understand some of my fears and issues eben if they said "the right" things.

[pearlofwisdom]

This also brings me to how difficult it is to find a good therapist as a Black woman. I am fortunate to have found another Black woman that I liked. I had a White woman and she just didn't understand what I needed. I would always be more irritated and down in the dumps leaving there.

[schmella]

Apr 19, 2017 15:33:36 GMT -5 @pineappleoranges said:

Apr 19, 2017 14:33:43 GMT -5 schmella said:

We plan to teach our children gun safety because, no matter how hard we try, there are unforseeable circumstances that may come up and I want them to understand what to do. As for toy guns... I struggle with that one myself. I nannied for a family that committed to a very strict "no toy guns" policy and that kid could turn EVERY TOY into a gun. And pointed it at people. I'd rather teach my kid that you can't point and shoot at people, whether it's a toy or not, in a situation where I'm in control. So while I came in here to respond that I disagree with the therapist, I find myself seeing a very small area of agreement... can you restrict the toy to therapeutic purposes? Or is part of the therapy unrestricted access?

ETA I'm not even going to pretend I can relate to your fears.

Then I'm confused why you're posting here?

Yeah, I'm really sorry. The new board popped into my feed on tapa and I honestly thought I had left it and was responding to a different board. Gun safety is important to me and toy guns recently came up in our family... but I never intended any disrespect by posting on this board.

[pearlofwisdom]

Apr 19, 2017 15:39:27 GMT -5 schmella said:

Apr 19, 2017 15:33:36 GMT -5 @pineappleoranges said:

Then I'm confused why you're posting here?

Yeah, I'm really sorry. The new board popped into my feed on tapa and I honestly thought I had left it and was responding to a different board. Gun safety is important to me and toy guns recently came up in our family... but I never intended any disrespect by posting on this board.

IMO, if anyone has relevant* information to provide then they should post it but be mindful. I am sure someone can learn some things by lurking around. Hope that makes sense.

[giantpeach]

Apr 19, 2017 15:44:38 GMT -5 pearlofwisdom said:

Apr 19, 2017 15:39:27 GMT -5 schmella said:

Yeah, I'm really sorry. The new board popped into my feed on tapa and I honestly thought I had left it and was responding to a different board. Gun safety is important to me and toy guns recently came up in our family... but I never intended any disrespect by posting on this board.

IMO, if anyone has relative information to provide then they should post it but be mindful. I am sure someone can learn some things by lurking around. Hope that makes sense.

This is actually a prime example as to how I didn't know how this board would work. Is it inclusive/exclusive, etc.?

[Rama]

Apr 19, 2017 14:08:25 GMT -5 @jboogie said:

We don't trust his family members at all with the exception of the FIL. I hope my kids are never alone with them but I know that's not a great defense strategy.

Is there a possibility you, YH, and FIL could get together and come up with a strategy to teach your kids gun safety?  This could include pictures, toys, or whatever you're comfortable with (my dad first started teaching me gun safety just by talking, the live rifle demo came when I was older), just to get the idea in your kids' minds that these things are very dangerous and can kill someone?

I'm really going back and forth on how to deal with this and I don't envy your situation.  I do, however, agree with PPs that your therapist shouldn't push you on the subject and the fact that she is sets off red flags in my head.  I wouldn't be able to trust a therapist that didn't take my fears or mental needs seriously enough to drop a therapeutic tactic.  She needs to be flexible to YOU, not the other way around.

[Rama]

Apr 19, 2017 15:50:01 GMT -5 giantpeach said:

Apr 19, 2017 15:44:38 GMT -5 pearlofwisdom said:

IMO, if anyone has relative information to provide then they should post it but be mindful. I am sure someone can learn some things by lurking around. Hope that makes sense.

This is actually a prime example as to how I didn't know how this board would work. Is it inclusive/exclusive, etc.?

I'd love to see this board be as inclusive as possible.  I'd hope that the women of this forum would understand that POC voices need to be heard, listened to, and supported without taking control of the subject themselves.

AKA If someone can be respectful and thoughtful of a POC POV, then I don't mind the thoughts of someone that isn't POC, so long as they aren't steering conversation away from POC concerns.

[pearlofwisdom]

Apr 19, 2017 15:52:10 GMT -5 @pineappleoranges said:

Apr 19, 2017 15:44:38 GMT -5 pearlofwisdom said:

IMO, if anyone has relative information to provide then they should post it but be mindful. I am sure someone can learn some things by lurking around. Hope that makes sense.

I'm only one poster. I do t make the rules. It's as inclusive as the group as a whole want it to be.


IMO the fear is a major element of the gun issue for me. For me if you can't really relate to the fear of your child getting shot it's a bit WTF to me. Anyone can post any here.

I think in this case she could have led with the not understanding the fear portion but at the same time teaching safety and having that perspective is needed.

[rainbowbridge14]

In terms of inclusiveness I think it is hard to define or have hard and fast rules. I agree with needing to center issues of POC and that when speaking from outside that perspective to qualify that that is where it is coming from. What I want to avoid is feeling like I have to educate others about the issue being discussed and instead having a space where there is already a base of understanding.

I would add that even within a community for voices of POC there are going to be differences across experiences that we will be speaking to. I am an indigenous women and not a Black woman and don't have the same fears for my child in relation to police violence, although I have other fears and concerns for her, and can relate to therapists being unable to relate to my needs as a Native woman.

Not sure if that makes sense or adds anything substantial but I felt like I needed to somehow "qualify" my own contribution to the thread since I don't really "know" most of the posters here but feel like I really need this kind of space.

[cheshie6]

I wasn't allowed to have toy guns back in the late 80's and I didn't fire a weapon till college! The red flag for me is her not understanding your fears. I agree with PPs. I wasn't raised to fear guns just that for POC in our neighborhood, it wasn't safe!

ETA (hit reply too soon) I don't remember thinking I was missing out, and had no problem shooting a gun for NROTC in college. It was a controlled environment and guns weren't allowed on campus outside the range!

[Deleted]

I don't think I could do that part. (purchase a toy gun)