Dealing With Difficult Personalities

[mama2a]

I am in a job with 2 other people who do the same work as I do. One of the ladies, we'll call her E, has been doing this job for 10 years. I've worked there 3 years and the other lady has been in this specific role for a few months (but not new to our employer). E is really difficult to work with. She needs to have control of everything and is constantly critiquing my work. She also tells me exactly what to say to our clients and when I try to discuss things with clients she basically takes over the conversation. She also has no problem using disrespectful tones and be condescending to get what she wants with both me and my other coworker.

I'm an easygoing flexible person. I would like to think I'm competent and I recognize that there is always room for improvement and welcome feedback on how to do my work better. I think E goes above and beyond and is just out to show that she's boss and that I need to do everything just like her. Im very nice and respectful to her and oftentimes just ignore her as I recognize she has personal issues. My supervisor is well aware of her difficult personality and has offered to intervene if I wanted but I told him not to as this time because I work very closely with E and it could just make things awkward.

I've been trying to find a new job with the same employer so I've opted to just let this go and put up with it. I recognize she's not going to change. In the past when I've talked to her about disrespect she has apologized and has been nice for a few days but just goes back to her usual self soon after. We're in a union so I don't think there is any chance she'll ever get fired.

Anyway, TLDR: at what point do you do something to manage a difficult coworker? I feel I'm taking passive approach since I'm looking for a new job but I also feel like I'm letting her walk all over me. I honestly don't think she'll ever change so I think that is what keeps me from being motivated to do something.

[welly01]

I think it depends on how much it's affecting you. Do you dread going to work? Does your stomach get in knots thinking about dealing with her? I am the kind of person that gets really worked up and stressed when I'm constantly having to deal with confrontational or uncomfortable situations. If you can let this roll off your back without worrying about it, then leave it alone. If your manager has offered to address the issue with her, I would let him. This is her issue and if she's doing it to you, she's likely doing it to other people. Is she in any way your superior or does she just have seniority? If you don't want to let your boss speak with her, could you see if there are any projects or other assignments that might help you get out from under her influence?

[mama2a]

Apr 19, 2017 15:08:45 GMT -5 welly01 said:

I think it depends on how much it's affecting you. Do you dread going to work? Does your stomach get in knots thinking about dealing with her? I am the kind of person that gets really worked up and stressed when I'm constantly having to deal with confrontational or uncomfortable situations. If you can let this roll off your back without worrying about it, then leave it alone. If your manager has offered to address the issue with her, I would let him. This is her issue and if she's doing it to you, she's likely doing it to other people. Is she in any way your superior or does she just have seniority? If you don't want to let your boss speak with her, could you see if there are any projects or other assignments that might help you get out from under her influence?

I'm trying to figure that out--sometimes it affects me more than others. I think what is affecting me the most is feeling like I need to assert myself and not be so passive. I don't want to be seen as weak. KWIM?

She's more senior but not my supervisor. Our job requires understanding and interpreting the law and it takes years to be good at it and admittedly-I'm no where near her level of expertise since I'm newer to the job.

I do wonder if I could phrase it to my supervisor that I want him to do something about it without directly making it about how she treats me alone. We've been offsite at an client audit all week and she was disrespectful to our new coworker who is in training. I am on the fence about speaking on her behalf to our supervisor or letting her decide to handle it. But you're right--she treats others crappy, too, but since I work so closely with her I'm the one gets the most of her crap.

[welly01]

I definitely know what you mean about standing up for yourself. I'm the type to always think of something better to say or a better way to react *after* something has happened.

Are you friendly enough with the other employee to try to see how she's feeling or if she's planning to take action?

[xctsclrx]

mama2a, Has your supervisor talked to you about needing to assert yourself? Not trying to take her side, but if you are in law and talking to clients (I am assuming giving advice) you would need to appear very confidant and assertive.

That being said, it sounds like she is not your boss, but wants you to treat her as you would a boss? Screw that noise.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I will say it anyway. You are going to have to assert yourself if you want her to back off. It doesn't have to be rude back. However, you can say things like I appreciate your input, if I need help I will ask.

I don't know the specifics, so it is really hard to give advice. I am going to say this though. The personality you are describing is found in every office. You will have to find a way to work with people like this and learn how to deal with them. I would let your manager step and see how it goes. Her feelings might get hurt, but it wouldn't be the first time I am sure.

[mama2a]

Apr 19, 2017 16:01:16 GMT -5 xctsclrx said:

mama2a , Has your supervisor talked to you about needing to assert yourself? Not trying to take her side, but if you are in law and talking to clients (I am assuming giving advice) you would need to appear very confidant and assertive.

That being said, it sounds like she is not your boss, but wants you to treat her as you would a boss? Screw that noise.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I will say it anyway. You are going to have to assert yourself if you want her to back off. It doesn't have to be rude back. However, you can say things like I appreciate your input, if I need help I will ask.

I don't know the specifics, so it is really hard to give advice. I am going to say this though. The personality you are describing is found in every office. You will have to find a way to work with people like this and learn how to deal with them. I would let your manager step and see how it goes. Her feelings might get hurt, but it wouldn't be the first time I am sure.

I appreciate the advice. I sometimes wonder how much of this is because I just turn the other cheek and let her come at me with her remarks. I do defend myself when I feel that she is in the wrong, but she does argue and sometimes I wind up feeling like I'm creating drama when I have to defend my choices. I care what my other coworkers think about me and I don't want to be the source of gossip if I start being seen as "catty" or something so instead I tend to play the innocent role and just keep silent. Instead maybe I need to come up with strategies (like you say) that gives her a respectful response, but somehow doesn't allow her to keep throwing the punches.

[somebabiesmom]

Since your bosses know she's difficult, I don't think you need to worry about your reaction to her reflecting poorly on you. In fact, this would be a good opportunity IF you were in it longterm. Clearly they value her or else she wouldn't still be around. So to be someone who can get along with her would make you valuable to them. Also, the fact that she has been in the same position for 10 years probably means that she knows she wouldn't get along anywhere else.

But since you're planning on leaving, I would non-dramatically stick up for yourself by defending yourself when she is wrong. If she comes back at you, you can either address it (if she's made a point) or simply say, "I've said my piece" and move on. If she says anything dumb or condescending, it will only reflect on her.

If she really has value, I would just divide your view of her into "useful" and "not useful." I would validate and work with the "useful" side of her, but disengage when she becomes "un-useful." If she has absolutely no value, I'd get the hell out of there.

I've worked with difficult people before and not always navigated well, but the better you are able to disengage, continue doing your job as well as you can considering the circumstances, and lower your expectations of her - the better for your position and your mental health.

[saraml13]

So if her personality is just obnoxious, but isn't making you miserable, I would just live with it. Take the mindset that you can't control her behavior, but you can control how you react to it and just let it roll off your back. I wouldn't make an issue of it just to assert yourself for the sake of asserting yourself.

Where I would take action and get your supervisor involved is if she's having a negative effect on customer interactions or your work performance. But I would be sure to frame it the right way with your supervisor (or your coworker if you decide to address her directly). So it's not "she's condescending to me and cuts me off", it's "I'm concerned that we're sending mixed messages to client X when co-worker does..." or "One of the performance objectives you gave me this year was to be the lead on clients Y and Z. Co-worker has been jumping in and taking charge of those interactions. Is there something that I need to improve or do differently on these engagements?"

[mommyatty]

I would have a harder time watching her be abusive to a coworker who is new and trying than I would have taking her being rude to me. I think you're right that the situation with the coworker is a good way to approach your boss with it. Like you could say "Eloise has a lot of knowledge and valuable experience, but her manner of sharing that information is off-putting and frankly unprofessional." You may also want to point out she steps in rudely when you are dealing with clients. That's not okay. My advice is to give concrete examples. "I said X to Client Y and Eloise responded by saying Z in a way that made it clear she didn't respect my competence."

[billybumbler]

Others have given great advice. I would be very firm and consistent with her EVERY SINGLE TIME she's disrespectful or oversteps. Don't say you are rude or you are this or that, rather frame it as I felt the way you said XYZ was unprofessional or disrespectful. Don't get drawn into arguments, if she tries ignore or even walk away. That way you won't be seen as unprofessional or creating drama.

With some people if you don't do this consistently they get used to treating you this way.