WWYD - Job Situation

[Crisco Salad]

MH has been interviewing for positions in my hometown so we could move back and be with my family.

Today, his boss offered him his job, no interviewing required, to get him to stay here. It's a 15k per year raise. Still not enough to allow for us to put all three kids in daycare full time. 

I could see about consulting for my company part time and using MH's benefits and that way I would be able to stay home and put them in daycare maybe part time. 

But, I had my heart set on moving back and having that support system of my family. We have no support here and it was hard with one kid, with three it seems impossible.

[Crisco Salad]

I mean basically, I can't tell him not to take it, right? I'd be the asshole wife who didn't allow him to advance his career.

He has been with his company for over 15 years and this is basically the ultimate position he can obtain without an advanced degree.

[brandiewine11]

What does he think about it? What's the cost of living compared to where you would move to? Any luck with jobs out there? What are the salaries like?

Does he love his job? Would this be more responsibility and more hours away? Travel? What are the trade-offs?

That's really a tough call - $15k is a lot, but in the overall scheme of things it's really not, when you compare to having family to support you, etc. Especially after taxes.

It may be enough to help pay for an au pair or nanny, which would be more cost effective with 3 kids than full time daycare. But you still don't have family.

I'd sit down and have a frank discussion about it, pros & cons, etc.

[Stringy]

Agree with everything Brandie said - but also - can he go back and ask for more.
Depending on the relationship with his boss - but they obviously want him there - I would think all he has to say is - hello - 3 kids in day care = like 40k a year - and see what lengths they will go to to keep him.

That is all once you've had the conversation and if YH seems really set on the job.

But - it doesn't get you that family support that you want...so you have to weigh that too.

As someone who works part time - it is kind of the best of both worlds - so your consulting idea isn't a bad one.

Also think long term. While these first years seem so long - where do you want the kids to go to school and "grow up"?

[Stringy]

Oh yea and I second looking for a nanny if you decide to try and stay. I've seen many a discussion on local fb pages here (similar COL area) where people say after 2 kids a nanny is way more cost effective.

[sarenu]

Definitely counter offer the job. Even if this is a no interview, we're offering you an awesome opportunity, counter offer and don't mention the kids cost. Have him come up with reasons for asking for more.

Yes, if they want him to stay they might give him more just to make him stay. However, if he makes a case for a higher raise it can only be an added benefit.

But in all honesty, I'd sit down and crunch the numbers. Take the raise, less taxes, less benefit costs. Then crunch the numbers with your current expenses. See what you have left.

Working part time might also be a big benefit for you when school starts. Then you can adjust your hours for pick up and drop off.

And there is no reason your husband can't take the offer and continue to look in your hometown. As much as he may love the idea of his dream job, it may not be the best fit in the long run for the family.

[grumpycakes]

I agree with everything above. I think the other thing to consider is how you really picture your family being a suport to you if you move back. Is it mostly by helping with childcare or when you're sick? If so, that's something you can put a monetary value on because you can pay for that kind of help.

Or is it to be physically close for the emotional support? Being able to pop over for a glass of wine after a long day and have them there for holidays, birthday parties, etc? If that's the case, you really can't put a number on that. It's certainly not something that a $15k raise will solve. You'd need to be looking at an income that will allow you the financial freedom to pay for childcare and travel home multiple times a year without stressing about the cost.

[MapleMe]

Everyone said almost all the things that I would say, but I wanted to add a couple points. A nanny here is the same as the cost of 2 kids in daycare, so if we had three we would definitely do a nanny. But don't forget preschool/preK in your calculations. One kid will need that sooner than the other two. And staying home part time is pretty awesome. For me, two days of home and three days of daycare is a really nice balance. But again, I'm not sure how I'm going to balance that for the two years that M is in school and C is in preschool (which is run by our daycare, so it's based on a full day schedule instead of a school-hour schedule).

[Crisco Salad]

He evidently accepted the position this morning without re-engaging with me. When I asked him if it was a job he even wanted, he didn't really answer me, just kind of roundabout stated that this was what him and his boss had been working toward for the last 1.5 years. He kept talking about the increase in pay as well as the bonus potential which is very substantial but obviously not guaranteed. We wouldn't do any planning around possible bonuses. However, he did say that he would continue to look for and apply for positions in my hometown.

My boss and I spoke a few minutes ago and she is basically willing to do whatever needs to be done to keep me even on a part time, from home basis. She told me to make a list of things that my current assistant is not able to do due to time constraints that I'm doing that I could do from home. We can draft an MOU and discuss the scope of work and pay before I go out on leave.

I'm not really sure how to feel about it as I was counting on the emotional support of my family. I guess I need to revisit the idea of a nanny.

[Stringy]

I'm sorry Crisco Salad, - that sucks that he did that without really hashing it out with you. Like I'd be yelling over that.

[Crisco Salad]

There will be lots of yelling tonight. I just have to make it through the rest of my workday without letting it get to me too much.

[dramaphile]

Ugh, sorry Crisco Salad, that sucks

[linewifekat]

Hugs to you Crisco Salad

[mc13]

Hugs Crisco Salad! We are in a similar situation so I want to tell you, you'll be ok. You'll figure it out and you will come out alive on the other side. We moved 6 hours away from family last spring when I was 22 weeks pregnant with twins. We have no family within 5 hours of us. Our twins are now 8 months and R is 2.25. We're making it just fine. Yeah, the first 6 or so months pretty much sucked but it has become so much easier. You'll get in a groove, you'll find a support network and itll all be ok!

[briarrose]

I am so very sorry that he took it without a discussion Crisco Salad. I would be losing my mind over that. Good luck to you in your discussion with him tonight, and I really, really hope things work out how you want them to.

[CurlieWhirlie]

Oh my god, Willy. A HUGE WTF to your H.

[rugger]

Oh Willy, I am sorry you're in this situation. I'm glad YH said he'd continue to look for jobs in your hometown, but super sucky that he didn't circle back with you before accepting. ugh. If you have questions about au-pairs or nannies, let me know. My mom works for a company in the nanny industry so I'm sure I can get you some resources/info if you'd like. Hugs!

[Crisco Salad]

So we talked last night. It didn't go well. We both went to bed pissed off. His boss has but him in a really terrible position and basically backed him into a corner to accept this position. With the changes to our family coming in the next 7ish weeks, he felt like the money would help while I was out on maternity leave.

I asked him again if he even wanted the job and he said no. So, that leaves us with him continuing to be miserable at work and all of us suffering the consequences of his misery. He wants to put our house on the market and move now as soon as I'm cleared to travel. I will have benefits at my current job through my whole maternity leave, which is 16 weeks. I have a backup job that I can take that is full time work from home, but we aren't sure when that would start.

Basically, we have no plan, except now we will for sure be in VA until at least when the babies are born. After that, who the hell knows what will happen.

[MapleMe]

Willy, I'm sure that it doesn't feel that way, but what you just described sounds like a good(ish) situation. It sounds like you and your husband want the same thing (the move), but simply that you have different ideas of how to make that happen. YH has the option of leaving that job any time, but in the mean time you guys have more money in your pocket. It also sounds like your husband would be miserable in his job whether or not he took the job, but now you have some more fiscal wiggle room (which should help with moving). (But I don't envy you getting to deal with a miserable at work spouse. I know how that is and it blows). Given the immutables (babies coming, can't move yet, etc) it sounds like both of you are making the best of a difficult situation.

[saraml13]

May 2, 2017 9:26:37 GMT -5 sarenu said:

Definitely counter offer the job. Even if this is a no interview, we're offering you an awesome opportunity, counter offer and don't mention the kids cost. Have him come up with reasons for asking for more.

Yes, if they want him to stay they might give him more just to make him stay. However, if he makes a case for a higher raise it can only be an added benefit.

But in all honesty, I'd sit down and crunch the numbers. Take the raise, less taxes, less benefit costs. Then crunch the numbers with your current expenses. See what you have left.

Working part time might also be a big benefit for you when school starts. Then you can adjust your hours for pick up and drop off.

And there is no reason your husband can't take the offer and continue to look in your hometown. As much as he may love the idea of his dream job, it may not be the best fit in the long run for the family.

This.
It doesn't sound like he has an offer on the table in your hometown. Negotiate a higher raise, take the in-house promotion, then continue looking for jobs in your hometown. The higher salary and better (I assume) title will only give him more leverage than in other jobs he's looking for.