Seeking Gentle suggestions for baby bedtime with dad

[cabbagecabbage]

I work one evening a week at a job I love. It means my DH has to get our 9 month old to bed. He's a happy baby. He loves his dad. He will take a bottle. He will even fall asleep ok (almost always being worn) but 30 minutes later he wakes up screaming and rooting. He will cry up to two hours until I get home, pop a boob in his mouth and he's out in 5 minutes.

I'm at a loss and DH is bringing up the idea of me quitting and my work nights are tense in the house. I may quit if things don't improve. They've been getting steadily worse and I've been doing this for five months now, so it's not brand new. It's a job I do mainly for fun and adult interaction but the bit of money I make matters too.

Things I'm not willing to do: CIO, wean, stop nursing to sleep. Any advice?

[grumpycakes]

Maybe I'm a jerk, but I think your H should be more supportive of you working for one night a week. He should be looking for solutions, not asking you to quit. It's his job to soothe your baby for a couple of hours while you do something good for yourself. I know it's hard for him, but you deserve it.

Has he told you what he tries? Is he actively trying to soothe for two hours or does he try for a few minutes and then listen to crying? Do you have time to nurse to sleep before you leave for work? I used to work 1 night a week when E was a baby and I would push bedtime 30 min earlier to do our routine before I left. You can maybe mess with naps to make it work.

[rugger]

Prob a silly question, but has YH tried the 5 S's to help him try to calm down? Swaddle, Side position, Swinging, Shushing, Sucking. In that order. It worked wonders with our kids. Will your son take a paci?

My girls liked different things for soothing. R wanted to be walked around. Sitting and bouncing and or the expensive rocker glider recliner chair were not helpful. She had to be walked around the house to settle. But A could be propped up on a shoulder and rocked. Neither would take a paci, though.

Has YH tried a different bottle for nighttime? Or snuggled him with one of your shirts?

I'm sorry he's having a tough time. My A was a huge nighttime comfort nurser, too, so I know how frustrating it can be for everyone when you are gone or just need a break. Hugs.

[rugger]

And I agree with Stoney... Has YH told you what he actually tries? I watched MH one time try to soothe R by bouncing her on his shoulder while sitting on the couch. He KNEW she liked to be walked around but didn't do it and got frustrated when she wouldn't settle. So maybe YH thinks he's tried "everything" but really is too flustered to see he hasn't. Maybe you can gently suggest a few strategies?

[brandiewine11]

In addition to the above suggestions, I know you said you were not willing to quit nursing to sleep but seriously consider that. It doesn't mean stopping at bedtime completely at all. Just move it up in the routine so baby is used to not nursing to sleep. It's good for you both in the long run as well. You can do this very gently and gradually.

Then your routine can be more similar to what your H can do when you are away.

[Stringy]

I would also suggest having YH put him to sleep sometimes at naps after nursing (assuming you do that then too) so it's more than just one time a week. Or other evenings even.

[cabbagecabbage]

I'll try to answer. First, I agree and I'm resentful of how my husband is taking this and approaching it. It's been a few weeks of the tears and screams and DH works 6 days a week long hours. But, even so, I should get my me time. He's not a great baby person. He's wonderful but doesn't have good instincts on reading babies if that makes sense. He swears that he rocks, walks, and shushes. He holds him the whole time but he cries the whoooole time. He also says that the "only" thing that ever works sometimes is for DS to wake up fully and get lulled back to sleep.

He won't take a pacifier and refuses the bottle the minute he's not hungry.

DH has attempted bedtime a few times and it's been awful. This happened with my first bit I wasn't working and did 100% of bedtimes for two years because he just couldn't and it was a huge fight. I spent a year mostly hating his guts.

[rockiesnugget]

My DH has some baby anxiety too and it was especially bad with the second. I realized three months in that unless I actually handed him the baby, he hadn't held or been alone with the baby. He used the excuse that the baby would only cry when he held him and that he couldn't soothe him. I called him out on it and started making him be more involved with the baby. It was a rough few weeks on our relationship, but it had to be done as I was heading back to work and I needed not to resent him. We were doing a divide and conquer with our two kids, with him taking the toddler, so we adjusted and I would feed the baby and then he would start bedtime with the toddler and once I was done he would rock the baby while I finished up with the toddler. That way I wasn't nursing completely to sleep and he got some bonding in. I also showed him different ways that baby liked to be soothed, as others mentioned, he would default to one and the baby didn't respond to it. We also relearned the 5s's, which are truly a lifesaver in this house. It has been over a month since we started working on this and that bond and his comfort level are much better. Today, I had nursed and the baby fought a nap and he came in as I was about to give up and rocked the baby to sleep without me saying anything.

[briarrose]

I am just here to send you hugs and commiseration. My DH still cant put DS to sleep at 2.5 because he is gone so often at bedtime that DS wants nothing to do with I'm at bedtime or afterwards. It sucks, but it is our life with the night shift. I do really, really hate it sometimes, so I feel you on your last sentence.

Sorry I have nothing to offer but hugs.

[freezorburn]

Does YH have any guy friends (or colleagues) who also have young children and with whom he can talk to about this? These struggles aren't all that unusual, and I think it helps some guys to hear it from another guy.

[rainbowbridge14]

I agree with so much of the advice already given! The only thing I would add is trying to incorporate your H into the bedtime routine when you are there. In our routine I nurse then pass her off to H to cuddle and put in bed. Sometimes she is asleep or mostly asleep, more often just drowsy, and rarely super awake. It has really helped when I am away because she is used to having him be a key part of the night routine. She still misses me and gets pissed that there are no boobs but she also has a familiar part of the routine to help calm her.

[Stringy]

I actually just started this tonight with P (almost 11 months) I nursed with the light on in pjs. Then changed her diaper and read some books. Then BM came in and did something and rocked and put her in bed and left. She doesn't scream when she walks out like she does when I do. I'm so lucky.

[cabbagecabbage]

Thank you, guys. This really has helped to offer up some good ideas and jumble up my expectations and thoughts about things. I'm talking it over with DH. He seems on board with trying to make things work. I think he needed to know I'd be willing to quit if necessary but he doesn't née me to quit today.

It also seems we are right in the middle of a teething nightmare but that's life. I really appreciate the feedback and I'm absorbing and mulling every reply. I didn't know where to ask without getting a chorus of "let him cry."

[TJ]

I'm glad you two were able to talk it out and that he is willing to try more things.

I just wanted to add my two cents that I really feel like 9-10 months was the absolute WORST sleep for both of my girls. So you aren't doing anything wrong. It, like everything else, is just a phase. And you can get through this.

[MapleMomma]

MH still really struggles with bed time, although he really tries. His best luck is a truck ride and letting her fall asleep. He then sits with her or checks on her every 5 minutes until I get home to transfer her to bed.

It's not ideal, but I really appreciate that he at least does what he knows how. J has also been notoriously hard to get to sleep and still is at 27 months. So I feel for him and am grateful just to get out of the house.

[dramaphile]

May 6, 2017 20:29:45 GMT -5 brandiewine11 said:

In addition to the above suggestions, I know you said you were not willing to quit nursing to sleep but seriously consider that. It doesn't mean stopping at bedtime completely at all. Just move it up in the routine so baby is used to not nursing to sleep. It's good for you both in the long run as well. You can do this very gently and gradually.

Then your routine can be more similar to what your H can do when you are away.

This helped a lot for us.  I started doing a routine of nursing with a light on, then reading books and snuggles and putting her in bed that way and it helped to curb some of the night waking issues.  I didn't change the routine till she was over a year, but it can be done for babies, too.  I still mostly do bedtime, but when J needs to put her to bed, she responds well to it.

[Stringy]

May 7, 2017 22:11:56 GMT -5 cabbagecabbage said:

Thank you, guys. This really has helped to offer up some good ideas and jumble up my expectations and thoughts about things. I'm talking it over with DH. He seems on board with trying to make things work. I think he needed to know I'd be willing to quit if necessary but he doesn't née me to quit today.

It also seems we are right in the middle of a teething nightmare but that's life. I really appreciate the feedback and I'm absorbing and mulling every reply. I didn't know where to ask without getting a chorus of "let him cry."

Fwiw it sounds like he's crying anyway- so allowing him to self soothe in his crib isn't the worst idea. It doesn't mean you have to leave him for 10 minutes to cry even. But you never know what might happen.

Doing this with P didn't help night wakings at all- but it does for some.

Also teeth are the worst. I've held off from Re-sleep training after she regressed with a bad cold in like march. Cuz I keep thinking she's teething. Cept no new teeth have appeared. So really just punishing myself.

[dancingsphinx22]

Not sure if I missed this, but can I ask what your baby sleeps in for pajamas?

Once we started using a sleep sack, bed time got better for us. It didn't matter who put the baby to bed, because she would settle down fairly quickly, and go to sleep.

Before, when we'd put her to bed, she would cry until she got sick. Or I would have to hold her and rock her. If DH tried to rock her, she would cry in his arms until she fell asleep from exhaustion. It was just terrible.

Putting the sack on became part of the "it's time for bed" routine​, which helped a lot.

[cabbagecabbage]

He does sleep in a sleep sack most nights. I'll try and be 100% consistent with it to see if it helps at all.

[critter015]

For us at that age crying was just part of the process. None of my kids would go to sleep unless I just left them alone to settle themselves to sleep. It was like they were crying because they didn't want the interaction to end and going in to check on them or trying to get them to sleep while I was in the room made things way worse.