Anxiety over BD being at the hospital when daughter is born.

[madelyndaphney]

I'm half venting half looking for advice from anyone who has experienced something similar in the past.

I'm due in April, and am not involved with BD. We broke up and became friends before I found out I was pregnant, but when I told him the news, he checked out until my 6th month, when he would "check in" every few weeks and then came to an ultrasound with his mom. It was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable for me, he didn't speak to me the entire time and I haven't heard from him since (2 weeks).
I guess some back story; we broke up in the first place because he is heavily into hard drugs/partying/cheating, you know, a real winner. So I already dislike him as a person (get to know someone before the sexy time, am I right?) and his absence during the majority of my pregnancy coupled with his actions at my ultrasound make me extremely anxious about having him and his mom at the hospital during L&D.
I know I need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible at the hospital, and I just can't see how their presence would do me any good. I want to tell them to just come see the baby/sign paternity papers when we're home from the hospital, and I've had some rest, and time to bond with my daughter without any unnecessary stress. 
He said he wants to be involved with our daughter, but he lives 2 hours away, doesn't want to drive to come see her on a regular basis, and isn't ready to give up his lifestyle and move and be closer to her. So he's been a lot of talk and no action, which makes me worry about him being a father but that's another issue completely that I won't bore you with.
SO. Any single mom's out there not let BD be at the hospital? Is there a tactful way to go about that conversation? 

Thanks in advance and sorry about the length!

[ndm410]

I have no experience with this exact situation but I would just tell them that they are welcome to be at the hospital but they won't be able to be in your room during L&D. There is a waiting room right? Just make it clear to your nurses that you would prefer them not in the room due to your anxiety. They will see to it that you aren't bothered. I would have made the same request of my LO's grandmother (my baby's father has passed away) but she decided not to come to town until after LO is a couple of months old.

[20thirteen]

Haha, are our BD's the same person? Hahaha

I only say that for the drugs/partying/cheating aspect.

Anyway...:

BD left me for the girl he was cheating on me with, and, aside from coming to my dad's place to drop off my stuff from our apartment once and me texting him in a fit of fury because I had to take the STD test TWICE (that girl was the town bicycle, AND they were NOT USING CONDOMS!!!!!!! WTF?!!), I didn't hear from him until 3 days before DD was born. And that was only because he was involved in a pretty serious car accident (girl was driving drunk and hit another car. He barely walked away from it.) and suddenly felt sad about what he had done to me. I told him sorry that he was in the accident but I still wanted nothing to do with him, and I still didn't want him coming around. However, at that point, I conceded to letting him see pictures (his mom and I are Facebook friends, I allowed her to be in DD's life, though some days I regret that decision). My doctor and I created a birth plan together and part of that, in big bold letters was "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE IS [BD] ALLOWED TO LABOR AND DELIVERY". Because of the hospital's policy, I had to obtain a recent picture of him and give a copy to the nurses and to security at the hospital (before I went into labor).

My BD knew ahead of time that I didn't want him there, and that may have been why he didn't bother to show up. This is up to you to say something before that time comes. You might want to check with the hospital to see if they require the father to sign the paternity paperwork at the hospital, that might help you with your decision. If I remember correctly, some hospitals require the father there and others are a little flip about it. I chose not to go after BD for CS or anything, so I left him off the BC and he did not fight for anything regarding paternity or whatever. So, outside of that, I'm not sure what advice I can give you.

But I hope I at least helped you out a little bit...

[tig594]

I didn't really want BD there either, but relented at the last minute and let him be in the surgery room with me during my c/s. It's kind of dumb, I guess, but I didn't want to take that away from DD, even though she will have no memory of her birth. There are pics of him holding her as a brand spanking new baby. I made him PROMISE not to cause trouble or stress me out and let him know I'd have his ass kicked out if he couldn't behave. He was fine during the whole process, except for his continuous hinting about us being a couple. The nice thing was that the nurses took care of all the paperwork for paternity right there at the hospital so I didn't have to have contact with BD after I got home unless I wanted to. It was much better having that done in a controlled environment.

It's really your choice whether you want him there or not. Again, having him sign paternity paperwork at the hospital is something you might be thankful for later. Also, you wouldn't have to let him or his mom in the room during delivery, but they could come in after.

[madelyndaphney]

20thirteen, Maybe they are the same person? Almost the exact same situation regarding the "other girl", I had to be tested for STD's several times, oh gosh I was so angry.

Thanks everyone for your advice and input. I feel like if things were different, if HE were different, I would be more comfortable with having him there. But I don't even want him in my room after L&D. It's going to be stressful enough because my parents are divorced/dad remarried, and they hate each other so the tension will already be high. I know I am probably being selfish. But if I don't want him and his mother in the room, it's not like they'll be able to sit in the waiting room and pass LO around.
I guess I really need to think/pray on it, and find out about the paperwork side of things.

Thanks again!

[ontherock2012]

It sounds like your ex and your family are all stressing you out. Can I make a suggestion? Do you have a good friend that could be with you instead? My BFF was with me during delivery and would go out to the waiting room periodically to update my parents. No BD issues, he wasn't there.
It was a great experience for me and my friend. She got to cut the cord, and now almost 3 years later, DD loves her to pieces.

Oh, and be selfish all you want. This is not about other people, it's about you and your baby.

[madelyndaphney]

ontherock2012,Ugh, believe me, I WISH my best friend would step up to the plate. She's peaced out on me too because of the pregnancy-I had to move home, can't drink anymore/stay out late, and so it's like we don't have anything in common because I'm pregnant. Another sad story that causes me stress, haha.
So my mom will be in the delivery room with me. I wish I could have NOBODY but the nurses, but from what I've read, other women were glad to have a familiar face in the room.

[ontherock2012]

Sorry to hear that.
No matter what, the nurses and doctors in L&D will be there for you. If someone's causing you issues, they have no problem telling them to leave.
Good luck with whatever you choose.

[madelyndaphney]

Thank you for the listening ear and advice

[20thirteen]

Feb 21, 2015 10:20:10 GMT -5 madelyndaphney said:

Thanks everyone for your advice and input. I feel like if things were different, if HE were different, I would be more comfortable with having him there. But I don't even want him in my room after L&D. It's going to be stressful enough because my parents are divorced/dad remarried, and they hate each other so the tension will already be high. I know I am probably being selfish. But if I don't want him and his mother in the room, it's not like they'll be able to sit in the waiting room and pass LO around.
I guess I really need to think/pray on it, and find out about the paperwork side of things.

Thanks again!

My parents are also divorced, but my mom has remarried.  They're at a weird place where they can be in the room together and be cordial with each other, unless my mom's husband is there.  Then it gets super weird and bad. 

My mom drove me to the hospital when I went into labor (at 3am! My mom lives two towns over) and my dad followed us with my boyfriend in his car.  All four of us were in the room up until it was "go time".  When it was time, my dad went to the waiting room, BD's parents were in the waiting room, and my mom was with me. After she popped out, it was the flurry of cleaning the baby, weighing, all that jazz. But for a good 10min it was me, my mom, and DD. There is euphoria in that moment, you will experience that, and it will all be so great.  They allowed a few visitors in that room but ONLY when I gave the OK to do so.  Remember, they're there for YOUR/YOUR LO's care.  Anyone who has an issue with that will have to live with it on their own because it doesn't mean anything to you.  Their problem, not yours.  My dad was upset that it took so long for him to be allowed in to see DD but I could care less. 

My birth plan also stated that no more than 3 people in my room at a time.  Friends or family. I also told everyone that I would probably be too overwhelmed for visitors, so I didn't get many.  I do kind of regret that because it was mostly just me and DD for two days in a room that I didn't feel comfortable leaving.  BD's parents came in when my mom was there and BD's brother had to wait outside for someone to leave the room. I had a group of 3 friends visit me, so my mom left so we could fawn over DD. Telling people not to visit might not go over well, but if you tell them this many at a time might help keep things from stressing you out.

As for the "probably being selfish", BE SELFISH.  You DO NOT need to cater to anybody, especially with a watermelon-sized being climbing it's way out of your vagina.  Do what you want in this time because this is about you.  If you don't make it about you, it might lead to people walking all over you. Put your foot down.  If your parents can't get along for this BEAUTIFUL little human being welcomed into the world, then tell them you will not hesitate to kick people out.  Say "If you can't get along for this, you will be asked to leave.  If you respect me and love me, you will be cordial.  This is your grandchild."  As for BD and his mother/family, if you decide to let them be at the hospital, you can tell the staff to limit their visits.  BE SELFISH.  THIS IS YOUR TIME.

[becwheat]

I would not want him there either.

I agree with those who have suggested telling the hospital that he is not welcome in L&D or in your recovery room. Make it clear to him that you need a stress free birth as much as possible and you are asking him not to be there. I would probably do this in a text or email so he can't go off on you.

I would also do some research into your states custody/family law. You BD may not need to sign paperwork. I mean if he has not followed through with anything so far I would just leave him off the birth certificate all together and give my kid my name. IF he wants to get involved it will be up to him to file for a paternity test with the court.

Don't get me wrong, I hope every parent would do there best for their kid and that they would fight to be a better person and be there for there kid as much as possible. BUT when I see drugs and possible safety concerns I feel the parent's motivation needs to be proved through action. And really filing for paternity is not hard if he indeed wants to be in LO's life.

[20thirteen]

Feb 23, 2015 9:47:05 GMT -5 becwheat said:

I agree with those who have suggested telling the hospital that he is not welcome in L&D or in your recovery room. Make it clear to him that you need a stress free birth as much as possible and you are asking him not to be there. I would probably do this in a text or email so he can't go off on you.

I would also do some research into your states custody/family law. You BD may not need to sign paperwork. I mean if he has not followed through with anything so far I would just leave him off the birth certificate all together and give my kid my name. IF he wants to get involved it will be up to him to file for a paternity test with the court.

Don't get me wrong, I hope every parent would do there best for their kid and that they would fight to be a better person and be there for there kid as much as possible. BUT when I see drugs and possible safety concerns I feel the parent's motivation needs to be proved through action. And really filing for paternity is not hard if he indeed wants to be in LO's life.

Yes. Yes yes yes.  Yes to all of this. 

One of our mantras here (for the SMBCircumstance) is DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT.  When you tell him via email or text, whatever he says back to you SAVE. You might need it one day to prove your side of the story.  I hope it wouldn't have to come down to that, but you never know. 

[madelyndaphney]

Holy cow, you guys are so awesome. First, thanks for the support and the advice. Seriously, I've really been struggling with this-like losing sleep and/or dreaming about it, lol. I totally should be "selfish"! I guess I keep forgetting that she is MY baby, not OUR baby (my parents, grandparents, etc.).
Here's a questions-and I know I'll have to investigate my state's particular rules or whatever-but BD said he didn't want to spend the money or time on a paternity test, so he would be happy to sign the paternity establishment paper. If he signs that and acknowledges paternity, does he have to be on the birth certificate? And if so, does he HAVE to be at the hospital to sign the birth certificate?

[20thirteen]

I think you'd have to look into the laws about that. If he's planning on not paying child support, I'm wondering why he'd even bother signing off on paternity. Wouldn't that also put him on the BC?

[becwheat]

Feb 23, 2015 10:44:01 GMT -5 madelyndaphney said:

Holy cow, you guys are so awesome. First, thanks for the support and the advice. Seriously, I've really been struggling with this-like losing sleep and/or dreaming about it, lol. I totally should be "selfish"! I guess I keep forgetting that she is MY baby, not OUR baby (my parents, grandparents, etc.).
Here's a questions-and I know I'll have to investigate my state's particular rules or whatever-but BD said he didn't want to spend the money or time on a paternity test, so he would be happy to sign the paternity establishment paper. If he signs that and acknowledges paternity, does he have to be on the birth certificate? And if so, does he HAVE to be at the hospital to sign the birth certificate?

Talk to a legal expert in your state.

that being said... I did not have to do any "paternity establishment papers" so I do not know what they are. In my state you are either listed on the BC or you are not. If you are not listed then you have to prove paternity through testing through the child support agency. If you are married he is automatically listed, if not it is up to the mother to put the father on the paperwork. 

My X never signed the BC. In my state you do not even get the BC in the hospital... so I never signed it either.

If he doesn't want to spend money on a test or put in his time... then why does he even want to be a parent? 

[madelyndaphney]

20thirteen, becwheat, Both questions I ask myself every day, lol. He said he would pay child support, but that was months and months and months ago. He is a big ball of confusion. He changes his mind all the time on what he wants his involvement to be.

[20thirteen]

I don't think you should let him hold so much weight in your decision. As the lovely becwheat said, he needs to prove his intentions by way of action. He wants to be a part of your LO's life? Anyone can say that. What has he shown you thus far? That he's unreliable. Have him prove himself.

[madelyndaphney]

Amen to that!

[madelyndaphney]

20thirteen, becwheat,I've thought it over. And he's shown no initiative during the pregnancy, like I explained. And you're right, he hasn't SHOWN me anything, no actions, just a lot of empty words and promises. But I, being an idiot, was going to hold his hand through the paternity and child support paperwork after DD is born, sending him what needed to be signed and all of that. I was going to do all of the work.
SO! I've decided not to! I'm not going to put his name on the BC, and if he wants to establish paternity after DD is born, HE will have to go through the motions on his own. I'm not lifting another finger.
SO! My question is, if he never establishes paternity on his own, doesn't try, etc., should I "go after" him for child support?
Or should I let him fade out of our lives forever? I honestly don't think he'd be anything close to a quality father even if he did want to be involved, so I don't feel guilty for DD potentially not knowing her bio dad.
But would I be stupid not to get child support from him?
My parents are divorced, had a nasty divorce, so when I asked my mom she was speaking from experience and said she would just let him gtfo of my life and not "go after" him for child support.


Did I mention how awesome you guys are for listening to this and helping me muddle through?

[saltypearl]

If you don't want him there, couldn't you just not tell him anything until after you get home with DD? Am I being over simple?
I don't really have any advice, but good luck.

[ndm410]

Feb 23, 2015 19:43:05 GMT -5 madelyndaphney said:

20thirteen, becwheat,I've thought it over. And he's shown no initiative during the pregnancy, like I explained. And you're right, he hasn't SHOWN me anything, no actions, just a lot of empty words and promises. But I, being an idiot, was going to hold his hand through the paternity and child support paperwork after DD is born, sending him what needed to be signed and all of that. I was going to do all of the work.
SO! I've decided not to! I'm not going to put his name on the BC, and if he wants to establish paternity after DD is born, HE will have to go through the motions on his own. I'm not lifting another finger.
SO! My question is, if he never establishes paternity on his own, doesn't try, etc., should I "go after" him for child support?
Or should I let him fade out of our lives forever? I honestly don't think he'd be anything close to a quality father even if he did want to be involved, so I don't feel guilty for DD potentially not knowing her bio dad.
But would I be stupid not to get child support from him?
My parents are divorced, had a nasty divorce, so when I asked my mom she was speaking from experience and said she would just let him gtfo of my life and not "go after" him for child support.


Did I mention how awesome you guys are for listening to this and helping me muddle through?

I'm sort of butting in here but as far as the CS question is concerned you need to really think about that. Do you need the support? Your LO is entitled to that support. Are there things she will miss out on by not having the extra income like being able to be in dance or play sports? What about her health insurance? Will she need braces later on? Can you afford all that on your own? He's obviously a DB and who knows if he can even keep a job, etc. but just really think about all the angles. If he doesn't establish paternity at birth and then later you find that you need the CS you will have to be the one asking for the paternity test and will likely be responsible for paying the cost. Also, if his mom wants to be in her life she is also able to file for grandparent visitation. Almost every state has some sort of protection for grandparents in this situation. Just another thing to think about..... It's a tough call. I'm facing a somewhat similar situation now and unfortunately I'm not able to afford to not have the extra income but it would make things easier if I could!

[becwheat]

Feb 24, 2015 1:22:26 GMT -5 ndm410 said:

Feb 23, 2015 19:43:05 GMT -5 madelyndaphney said:

20thirteen, becwheat,I've thought it over. And he's shown no initiative during the pregnancy, like I explained. And you're right, he hasn't SHOWN me anything, no actions, just a lot of empty words and promises. But I, being an idiot, was going to hold his hand through the paternity and child support paperwork after DD is born, sending him what needed to be signed and all of that. I was going to do all of the work.
SO! I've decided not to! I'm not going to put his name on the BC, and if he wants to establish paternity after DD is born, HE will have to go through the motions on his own. I'm not lifting another finger.
SO! My question is, if he never establishes paternity on his own, doesn't try, etc., should I "go after" him for child support?
Or should I let him fade out of our lives forever? I honestly don't think he'd be anything close to a quality father even if he did want to be involved, so I don't feel guilty for DD potentially not knowing her bio dad.
But would I be stupid not to get child support from him?
My parents are divorced, had a nasty divorce, so when I asked my mom she was speaking from experience and said she would just let him gtfo of my life and not "go after" him for child support.


Did I mention how awesome you guys are for listening to this and helping me muddle through?

I'm sort of butting in here but as far as the CS question is concerned you need to really think about that. Do you need the support? Your LO is entitled to that support. Are there things she will miss out on by not having the extra income like being able to be in dance or play sports? What about her health insurance? Will she need braces later on? Can you afford all that on your own? He's obviously a DB and who knows if he can even keep a job, etc. but just really think about all the angles. If he doesn't establish paternity at birth and then later you find that you need the CS you will have to be the one asking for the paternity test and will likely be responsible for paying the cost. Also, if his mom wants to be in her life she is also able to file for grandparent visitation. Almost every state has some sort of protection for grandparents in this situation. Just another thing to think about..... It's a tough call. I'm facing a somewhat similar situation now and unfortunately I'm not able to afford to not have the extra income but it would make things easier if I could!

All of this. It is a tough call. my advice would be to get CS as CS is for your child and they deserve to have it. This means you would need to list BD on the BC. BUT it doesn't mean you need to hold his hand through everything. Asking for CS also doesn't mean he has a right to visitation. HE will still need to file for that. You have default sole custody unless there is a court document stating otherwise.

ETA: PLEASE TALK TO A LAWYER. Just a consultation at least to ask questions about your state laws.

[madelyndaphney]

Consult with a lawyer I shall! I've clearly got a lot more to think about, dang it. Thanks everybody

[20thirteen]

I'd like to throw my two cents in here, since I am one of few who did not pursue CS. And, please keep in mind, I understand that everyone's situation is different, and I am in no way urging you to or not to pursue. Just to consider, it’s all up to what you choose to do and how you think you can handle it.

I chose not to pursue because my DB can't get a real job. Not so much that he can't but he has a felony on his record and he immediately is defeated when looking for a job and tells himself he just can't get one because of that felony (even though, while we were together, I sent him countless resources on how to get a job with a felony, how to seal his record, etc.). Last I heard, he was working under the table at a hydroponics store (paid in either cash or drugs to sell for cash). If I were to have pursued him, all that would happen is he would fall behind and land in jail. Which would not be doing DD any good. I have a good job, I can sustain myself and DD on my limited budget. I also have a VERY supportive family that helps me when I need it (although I do my best not to ask for help because reasons). As for BD’s parents, they have no rights to DD at all. In my state, they would have to prove that their son is the father of my daughter before they could get rights to visitation (also, visitation is a separate issue from CS, FYI). They also live in another state which makes my life a little easier. And they see pictures and videos of DD that I post on FB because I allowed them to be a part of her life. I didn’t have to, and, according to the law, I’m not obligated to since I was not married to their son and he is not on the birth certificate and no paternity was established. In return, she will know about her bio-dad one day, she will know his side of the family, all because I want her to. And I want her to form her own opinion of him, not get the one-sided story from me.

With that said, look into grandparents rights in your state and ask your attorney for how those laws would effect you/LO/BD's parents.

[madelyndaphney]

20thirteen, Thanks for sharing your experience, I'm afraid mine might turn out to be quite similar in the BD department. I've got some research to do, though!

[salsamommy]

madelyndaphney my XH left me when I was 3 months pregnant. He was abusive emotionally and it got physical on 2 occasions. My first appointment with my OB was about a month after (I was seeing my GP until the first available appointment). The OB asked for information regarding both parents and when I explained the situation, they noted the file. They said, CPS may contact me to make sure both me and the children are ok and well supported (which we were thanks to my family). They ensured, based on the history and my requests, that XH was not to be at the hospital. I knew he wouldn't come anyway, when he left he clearly said, "By January I will have a girlfriend and she wouldn't like me coming to the hospital".
Once I had DD, I was unable to put him on the certificate, but my lawyer and I are still claiming for support (even though he hasn't paid since Sept 2013. We have a DS and Jan. 2014 a DD) because that is the child's right to receive the support.
Always speak to a lawyer, like others have said, so you know all of your options.