NTTCR- age freak out! (help me?)

[nikolie93]

Hey ladies! I feel kind of bad posting here since my support has decreased so much in the past week but please know I still think of you often and I still have everything crossed for you  

I hesitated posting this here but the truth of the matter is that I have no one in my life right now that can really understand. All of my close friends are younger than I am so they are not to this point in their lives and of course when I say something they say "oh stop, you're still so young!". I feel bad because I know I have so many things to be thankful for in my life but I just can't shake this feeling. 

Well yeah, I know I am not OLD but I am going to be 40 in June. It just seems so unreal to me because I really don't FEEL 40. I finally realized the other day that the past is gone, there is no bringing back all of those years, and I really freaked the hell out. Am I alone with my thoughts here or have others had similar freak out's? How are you coping, anything help you? 

I am trying to get to a place where I embrace my 40's because I know older people that have said they were some of the best years of their lives. I am just having a hard time getting to that point. 

And a picture that fits me perfectly (I am "THAT" friend btw) because I hate being so damn serious!  

[luvmyponies]

Oh nikolie93 you know you're always welcome here! And yes, I COMPLETELY understand how you feel about aging. I honestly feel like one minute I was in my twenties, had all the time in the world to think about having kids, and I blinked and now I'm in my late thirties. I actually had a similar freak out a couple weeks ago - I don't feel old! And it frustrates me that my mind, body, and spirit feel young... but my reproductive system is old. People are living longer than ever, at 40 we have more life ahead of us than we've been alive. But yet, my reproductive system is old. Evolution needs to catch up and realize that the ability to reproduce at age 12 just isn't necessary.

Honestly, I'm not coping... at least not well. My mood is all over the place, one minute I'm at peace and accepting of my reality, and the next minute I'm crying about the past and wishing I had made different choices.

I wish I had better advice for you... I'm just trying like hell to take it one day at a time.

[nikolie93]

I am sorry you're also struggling, luvmyponies *hug*

I think I am just over thinking everything right now. I am not one to dwell on the past, or even regret the decisions I've made because I know they have made me the person I am today. At the end of the day I really am happy, with just a few shitty things that make me sad sometimes. I have to wonder though if I would feel this way if I hadn't married at 19 and stayed in an unhappy marriage for 12 years. I guess I just feel like I lost out on a lot of life in that 12 years. But then I think my path would have been completely different if I hadn't been through that and it wouldn't have led me to MH now.

I think it's also hard because everyone in my life is younger, even MH. I also have had some deaths surrounding me lately so maybe that triggered this. Orrr....it's that my damn period is coming and I get all whacked out a few days before now LOL

@clgsquared, I feel the same way. It's weird though, the other night when I was with some friends and we all got hammered and was having a great time, I tried to imagine my parents doing that at 40. I remember growing up and thinking that 40 was SO old and all they did was sit around in their recliners, with their robes/slippers, sipping on tea hahaha.

[lucylulu]

I just turned 40 earlier this month and definitely had some anxiety around it. I agree - it sounds SO OLD! lol
I think the thing that helps me the most is that my 30s were better than my 20s so I'm hoping the same thing for this decade!

[winogirl]

hugs nikolie93,
I'm turning 39 this year and H turned 41 (today!) and I think we are both having a little bit a hard time dealing with it. I still feel 27 (that was a good year!)
I'm not a grown up!!!!

I have nothing helpful to say except to share that you definitely aren't alone in feeling this way.

[wannabmama]

I have been discussing this a lot with my best friend recently. She is turning 40 this year and is having a really hard time with it. She has no kids, by choice, but she struggles a lot with aging gracefully.

I think everyone has some time that they suddenly realize how fast life is moving and that can be hard (even setting aside reproduction!). I think keeping it in perspective in terms of your whole life and how much is still ahead of you is a great idea. It's also important to appreciate how your experiences have gotten you where you are. Who knows, leaving a bad situation earlier might have not given you enough time to understand when a good one came along, or any other variation.

I struggle because I didn't think I wanted kids so the timeline didn't concern me. Then, I met MH and maybe the biological clock kicked in, and everything just came together and I wish I had been in more of a hurry before!! But...like y'all have said, you needed all the experiences of your life to get you where you are now.

I send you all hugs, even if I don't have any great pearls of wisdom

[nikolie93]

Feb 20, 2015 10:37:57 GMT -5 wannabmama said:

I have been discussing this a lot with my best friend recently. She is turning 40 this year and is having a really hard time with it. She has no kids, by choice, but she struggles a lot with aging gracefully.

I think everyone has some time that they suddenly realize how fast life is moving and that can be hard (even setting aside reproduction!). I think keeping it in perspective in terms of your whole life and how much is still ahead of you is a great idea. It's also important to appreciate how your experiences have gotten you where you are. Who knows, leaving a bad situation earlier might have not given you enough time to understand when a good one came along, or any other variation.

I struggle because I didn't think I wanted kids so the timeline didn't concern me. Then, I met MH and maybe the biological clock kicked in, and everything just came together and I wish I had been in more of a hurry before!! But...like y'all have said, you needed all the experiences of your life to get you where you are now.

I send you all hugs, even if I don't have any great pearls of wisdom

I am a firm believer in this! 

[nikolie93]

lucylulu,I feel that things are getting better year after year as well so that's a good way to look at it

winogirl, It helps to know I am not alone in my thoughts on this. I didn't want anyone thinking I was crazy and stuff!

All of your words are helping me, thank you so much

[agpjt413]

Haven't had a chance to read everyone's responses but wanted to say, nikolie93 - Nikki, you're only as young or old as you feel! As you know MH is turning 50 this coming April...I feel like he's got more energy than I do and we have over a 14 year age gap! Lol I'm so looking forward to getting older (not that 40 is old by any means!). I'm looking forward to the experiences I can look back to and ones that are lying ahead. And physically, I'm all for embracing wrinkles like I mentioned in the moisturizing thread the other day! And I believe what I said...that wrinkles aren't wrinkles but reflection of experience and happy times that were had. Lots of ((hugs)) lady!! ❤️

[nikolie93]

agpjt413, thank you!!

[wirt2cute]

You are totally not alone. I have mini freak outs about getting older. And when I say freak out I mean panic attacks. I am the oldest in my group of friends and the youngest is 25. My thirties have been awesome and I pray my 40's are even better. You have to experience life and like you said your path would not have led you to your H. And just remember 40 now is nothing like 40 then. My mom at 36 was nothing like me now. I'm a drinking twerking fool and damn sure know my mom was nothing like that at my age. Andplusalso I know that we all look better than people way younger than us. Sending huge (((hugs))).

[nikolie93]

Feb 20, 2015 13:45:23 GMT -5 wirt2cute said:

You are totally not alone. I have mini freak outs about getting older. And when I say freak out I mean panic attacks. I am the oldest in my group of friends and the youngest is 25. My thirties have been awesome and I pray my 40's are even better. You have to experience life and like you said your path would not have led you to your H. And just remember 40 now is nothing like 40 then. My mom at 36 was nothing like me now. I'm a drinking twerking fool and damn sure know my mom was nothing like that at my age. Andplusalso I know that we all look better than people way younger than us. Sending huge (((hugs))).

You and I could be the same person! I am part of a car community and there are so many younger people in it. I find it odd sometimes that I can relate to and have a good time with someone so many years younger than me. I guess that means I am just young at heart?  

And yes, of COURSE we look better than people way younger than us 

[octavia65]

I totally understand the feeling of wanting to go back and do things differently - especially lately. There is this show on VH1 called Hindsight that I've been watching (I know I know - VH1?!) and it fuels the feelings of wanting to go back and have a do-over (she wakes up back in the 90s on the eve of her first wedding and gets to make new choices). I think to myself - wouldn't it be amazing if I could go back and meet my husband 6 years earlier? I'd Wake up in the early 2000s and hang out at the bar we almost met at when I first moved to the city and I'd sit there until he came in. But then I really think about it and realize we both had things we needed to experience before we met each other. And we are a stronger healthier couple for it.

Are there things I wish I could change? Yes. But not at the expense of who I am today. And honestly I don't see how I could change anything without losing something that is really important to me.

As for aging in general...it sucks. But we are lucky to live in a time where 40 isn't old anymore. Not really. We don't have to be "adults" in the sense that our parents had to be adults. We can do more, live more, experience more. And that's what it comes down to - living as much as you can and not regretting anything you've done. Hang in there. You are not alone. And it sounds like you are ahead of most people in coming to terms with what you want as you enter your 40s. Most people end up having an affair or buying a sports car for reasons they can't explain

[aswedishbee]

Feb 20, 2015 14:15:44 GMT -5 @clgsquared said:

If we constantly think about yesterday-we get depressed. If we constantly think about tomorrow-we get anxiety. Stay present and you will find serenity.

I need to print this out and put it on my nightstand.

[teenybenoit]

nikolie93 I totally get how you feel, I'm going to be 39 this June and for some reason I feel like my clock is going to tick super loud this year. I have for some reason convinced myself that 40 is the dreaded age where it's not going to happen anymore, I might as well just go find a field at that point and bury my dreams of having a baby. I work myself into such a tizzy that I'm then crying, my heart is palpitating and I don't know what to do with myself. Most of my friends are not younger then me but instead have all had their kids already and they throw the don't worry it will happen, be patient, or maybe it's just not meant to be speeches at me and that frustrates me and panics me more.
But I try to remember to take a breath or two or ten and try to rationalize my paranoid thinking. I remember that lots of women have babies later in life and that technology has changed and progressed so much more then what it was even 5 years ago and I decided to work on the things I can control, like staying active, eating healthy, breathing deeply, continue with my hobbies and for me this place helps a great deal.
I can't tell you it's going to happen and I don't know that it's going to happen for me either but I think the key is not to get too focused on the negative and try instead to focus on today.
Maybe completely unhelpful. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I totally get how you feel and I hope you know I'm here if you want to chat or vent.

[vh2014]

I think we all go through this at some point. ..for me it was 35. I was fine and even looking forward to 40 for some reason. My BFF just turned 50 and freaked out for 6 months prior. Then she called me on her 50th birthday and said, "hey, I'm still alive and I feel just add good as I did yesterday, maybe better. 50 is ok". I'm 41. Until this whole menopause/DOR thing I loved being 40 because nobody ever believed it. I guess I don't look 40 and it's really cool (and flattering since i don't wear much makeup or color my hair)to have people be so surprised. Judging from your posts I have a feeling you don't act old and people will be surprised for you too. One other nice the about 40....you don't have to act grown up. ..instead when you are fun is a sign that you are fun, not that "she'll grow up some day" when your crazy at an older age, somehow that makes you cool. Our so I am told by the 20 somethings at work haha

[agpjt413]

Lol! vh2014 - You got a point...crazy at an older age is pretty hilarious!!

[nikolie93]

Thank you!!

I was at brunch with the bridal party for one of my best friends today. Most aren't even 30 yet. Everyone was super shocked when I said I was turning 40 in June. They really seemed genuine too so thah made me feel good

I honestly don't act 40

[wannabmama]

On a side note, I totally am looking forward to being a crazy old lady. I'm going to have so much fun stirring things up at the old folks' home (note I didn't say, I can't wait to be...I'm in no hurry to get there, ha)!

[agpjt413]

Feb 21, 2015 12:52:14 GMT -5 nikolie93 said:

Thank you!!

I was at brunch with the bridal party for one of my best friends today. Most aren't even 30 yet. Everyone was super shocked when I said I was turning 40 in June. They really seemed genuine too so thah made me feel good

I honestly don't act 40

Ohhhhh!! I remember this friend now! Wow, I can't believe her wedding is coming up soon!

[nikolie93]

Feb 21, 2015 13:13:16 GMT -5 agpjt413 said:

Feb 21, 2015 12:52:14 GMT -5 nikolie93 said:

Thank you!!

I was at brunch with the bridal party for one of my best friends today. Most aren't even 30 yet. Everyone was super shocked when I said I was turning 40 in June. They really seemed genuine too so thah made me feel good

I honestly don't act 40

Ohhhhh!! I remember this friend now! Wow, I can't believe her wedding is coming up soon!

Tomorrow! :-o

[lickwed]

nikolie93, I just saw this now. I'm so excited for your best friend getting married, but hugs for all the old age feelings. luvmyponies,@clgsquared,lucylulu,winogirl,wannabmama,agpjt413,wirt2cute,octavia65,aswedishbee,teenybenoit,vh2014, I love all of your outlooks on getting older. I feel it most everytime I see gray hairs between colorings. The stinky part is DH is older and still doesn't have any.

I am so glad you posted, and am sorry you are feeling down. Getting older can be really hard and with everything you have been through and all the tough decisions you have made I'm sure those feelings are even more stronger. All of us cool older people just need to live in the same place so we can hang out regularly and then wouldn't have to worry about being surrounded by young people. I remember when I first started teaching and all the teachers were older than me. Now, I am the older one, but I try to remember I am carrying the wisdom from the older ladies I started with that hopefully I can share with the younger teachers.

octavia65, I have the same thoughts about meeting DH earlier in life. I also try to picture myself at that age and start to wonder if past me was someone DH would fall in love with and if past DH is someone I would have fallen in love with. I try to tell myself that the road we traveled to get to each other may have been long, but it made us the people the other fell in love with. Maybe we just wouldn't have been perfect together earlier. I do regret the time we did not get to spend together, but for me, trying to make the most of the time we have been blessed with helps me.

I also find having the same interests as younger people makes me feel younger. Wine helps too.

[nikolie93]

Thank you crimpgirl, I you!!!

I have to say that after my friends wedding this weekend and the pictures that came out of it...I am nowhere near 40 in mind. hahaha

[KirstenAlecia]

Right there with you girl!!!! My friends are all younger while Im 39 this year....close enough right???
and mine say the same thing too!!! "stop your still young!!!" I do hate it.....they are ignorant.
I think for us...we look and act younger....so our peers they aren't going to "get it"
Hy hubby is in his early 30s and that puts most of our friends in the late 20s and early 30s...all now parents or having babies now......so many of them forget I'm almost 40. They mean well.

I wish we had the answers to resolve these feelings friend. I really do. I wish I could give you a hug!!!

[nikolie93]

It amazes me how many ladies here have younger husbands.. That should tell us something. Go us! Lol

@kirstenalecia I think you know now that I don't act 40. Some days I feel bad but I have so much fun

[KirstenAlecia]

Feb 25, 2015 19:22:12 GMT -5 nikolie93 said:

It amazes me how many ladies here have younger husbands.. That should tell us something. Go us! Lol

@kirstenalecia I think you know now that I don't act 40. Some days I feel bad but I have so much fun

Don't you dare feel bad!!!! Keep being exactly who you are! I seriously WISH we lived nearby. I swear I would have another best friend! lol!

[nikolie93]

Mar 3, 2015 13:11:01 GMT -5 KirstenAlecia said:

Feb 25, 2015 19:22:12 GMT -5 nikolie93 said:

It amazes me how many ladies here have younger husbands.. That should tell us something. Go us! Lol

@kirstenalecia I think you know now that I don't act 40. Some days I feel bad but I have so much fun

Don't you dare feel bad!!!! Keep being exactly who you are! I seriously WISH we lived nearby. I swear I would have another best friend! lol!

Oh, there would be much fun to be had!