MIL Help

[tiffbabey]

I never had any issues with my MIL until I had my son. I went back to work at 3 months and she watches him 4 days a week, my mother does the other day. Well she is driving me insane and I'm afraid I'm going to blow up at her! She always tries to one up me and thinks that she is teaching my son everything. For example they were over last night to watch him so we could go out to dinner ( I'm a teacher and had this week off so they hadn't seen him for a week) well my husband mentioned that DS knows how to play peek a boo under a blanket and she goes I've been doing that with him for months, he learned it from me, he's picking up so much from being at our house! It's like he doesnt have parents who spend time with him or do anything with him! I pick him up at 3 everyday so it's not like I don't spend ample time with him! These comments are really getting to me, im glad they have a relationship and in grateful for her watching him, but I feel like im going to explode! I don't like spending time with them anymore because it's just so grating! Everything is about what she does with him, what he likes, and how great she is how much my son loves her etc.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

[krl52014]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this! That would drive me crazy too. Are you comfortable with talking to her about it?

[Deleted]

That sucks, sorry I guess as long as she is watching your son, you kind of have to grin and bare it. I think it's just the way that grandparents are.. I know my MIL likes to talk crap on how my SIL parents and is very triumphant about all the things she does with the kids.

Overall, the kids don't notice this.. they're in grade school. They do have a good relationship w/ MIL/FIL and also have an amazing relationship with both their parents.

I would just be watchful of her being negative around your child, but perhaps she is just seeking out praise for what she is doing and is a poor communicator?

[ricola0522]

I'm sorry she acts this way. I might have DH speak to her about it. We have a "you deal with your family, I deal with mine" mentality in our house. I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't realize what she is saying and how hurtful it comes across. If she is made aware of how frustrating and hurtful it is and yet continues to do it then all bets are off and she is just a bitch. Truthfully I would probably be a little passive aggressive as well and make snide remarks when she says stuff but as most of you already know I don't have a great relationship with my in-laws.

[kym1242]

I also never had issues with my IL until baby. now I can't stand to be around them. I don't trust them and there are always making stupid remarks about something. my MIL went to my daughters daycare one day without asking us just to visit. I took it as complete disrespect and out of control behavior. since then I took her off all daycare lists, and told them she is not allowed any contact with my daughter. I'm just waiting for the day for her to try that crap again cause I told them to call the law if she shows up acting stupid. I'm sorry you are going through this but I have no advise. I just try to stay away as much as possible.

[BurritosAtEveryMeal]

It sounds like MIL is insecure and needs some praise. I would tell her how you feel right away before you explode because that would probably do more damage. If you don't like confrontation, I would type up an email or letter and give it to her. You can always play the "maybe it's my PP hormones" card if it makes it easier for you to vent.

[ShtsNGiggles]

My MIL can be annoying about the kids to but I've found it is better to just ignore her comments. You know you are a good mom and you're teaching LO all sorts of new things, so don't let her petty words bring you down. I would think if you say something then you may end up needing to find new childcare.

[lunabug924]

No help, just commiseration. I feel the same way about my MIL. And it's a similar arrangement with her watching DD a few times a week for a few hours. She doesn't take credit for her milestones, but she just irritates the crap out of me. I can't be around her for more than an hour before I get all stabby. There's no other way to describe it other than possesiveness over DD. Maybe jealousy? I don't think either of those really fit, but you get the idea. Sorry you're dealing with that.

[birdhut]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Maybe your husband could mention something to her? I'm not very good with confrontation though and I've always handled things with my mom of there's a problem. My MIL was driving me crazy always saying how everything about our LO is just like her side of the family. Like nothing of hers can be like me. I said poor girl got mommy's stubby wide feet...oh my J had really wide feet just like that. Things like that it's always someone from her side that she looks like or acts like. That bothers me but I just rant to my husband and i just don't say anything. She's good to us and does a lot for us and I know she doesn't mean I that way but it still bothers me.

[tiffbabey]

Thanks for the advice ladies! I've talked to my husband and he said he will make some comments when she does that to try and get the point across. He also said she's always been like this and not to take it personally! But it's hard not to let it bother me because it's every time I see her! I try to ignore as much as possible, but ugh! She just gets on my nerves so bad now, I dread dropping him off in the mornings!

[SpinsOffResonance]

She might not necessarily be saying those things to imply you're not doing things right with LO. She might just be looking for some reassurance that she's doing things right. My mom is exactly like this, she's always saying how much progress DD makes when she's with her, and how she taught her to do this or that, etc. but my mom only sees the kids a few times a year. So I let it go. In my head I know that DD was doing those things already, but that's ok. It makes my mom happy and proud to think she's responsible for teaching DD these things so I let her believe it.

[ksyknelvr73]

Without coming off as rude, because that is absolutely not my intention - it seems to me like your choices are these:

Suck it up.

Have a conversation with her about it. Just tell her flat out that it hurts your feelings since you are already away from your LO and you are very happy she takes such good care BUT it's hard for you to hear.

Find different childcare


This is why I don't think I could ever has family as full time childcare. Emotions get involved and you are unable to have some of the tough conversations you need to have for fear of pissing people off or jeopardizing your actual situation. I get it, I really do. I didn't speak up for myself A LOT with my first child and I refused to do that again this time, and it has been better for everyone!

[starsandshamrocks123]

Must be a MIL thing! Mine lives far enough away and sees LO once a month and also does this. Luckily I can let it go because we don't see her often. I think she likes to feel like she needed. Good luck!

[Susan0utLoud]

I have issues with my MIL (not quite like yours, but difficult none the less) and I found the book Toxic In-laws extremely helpful.

www.amazon.com/Toxic-In-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853

[lulu]

My MIL is a maniac and also looks after DS when I'm working. She ignores everything I ask her to do for DS, spoils him, feeds him rubbish and throws our routine completely out of the window. But - she looks after my child for free, keeps him safe and loves him more than anything in the world......so I can't complain. Even tho she is the she-devil.

I just tell myself, she's DS's gran so of course he will love her. But ultimately, I'm his mum so he loves me too (a little bit more of course!!)

It's a good thing that our babies have so many people to love them. We don't have to love or even like our inlaws - but as long as they love our babies anything else is a bonus.

[becole]

I try to think of it from their perspective (very hard when they annoy you so!). Sometimes we take things a totally different way than they were intended because it's from our perspective.

[tiffbabey]

Feb 21, 2015 19:14:25 GMT -5 lulu said:

My MIL is a maniac and also looks after DS when I'm working. She ignores everything I ask her to do for DS, spoils him, feeds him rubbish and throws our routine completely out of the window. But - she looks after my child for free, keeps him safe and loves him more than anything in the world......so I can't complain. Even tho she is the she-devil.

I just tell myself, she's DS's gran so of course he will love her. But ultimately, I'm his mum so he loves me too (a little bit more of course!!)

It's a good thing that our babies have so many people to love them. We don't have to love or even like our inlaws - but as long as they love our babies anything else is a bonus.

I don't know how you deal with this! I guess I'm lucky in the fact that she does follow my instructions and the routine that I've given her. She really doesn't question what I tell her because she knows things have changed so much in 30 years. If she did what your MIL does, she wouldn't be watching him.

[Deleted]

My MIL is similar. One thing you could try is next time she claims he's been doing something for awhile, call her out and ask why she isn't telling you when he does something new. Tell her you'd like to keep up him baby book and keep practicing his new skills at home.

It's hard, but she is probably just proud.
In my opinion, your other option is child care where he won't have the same one on one time for these new skills

Count your blessings.

[lulu]

Feb 21, 2015 20:32:39 GMT -5 tiffbabey said:

Feb 21, 2015 19:14:25 GMT -5 lulu said:

My MIL is a maniac and also looks after DS when I'm working. She ignores everything I ask her to do for DS, spoils him, feeds him rubbish and throws our routine completely out of the window. But - she looks after my child for free, keeps him safe and loves him more than anything in the world......so I can't complain. Even tho she is the she-devil.

I just tell myself, she's DS's gran so of course he will love her. But ultimately, I'm his mum so he loves me too (a little bit more of course!!)

It's a good thing that our babies have so many people to love them. We don't have to love or even like our inlaws - but as long as they love our babies anything else is a bonus.

I don't know how you deal with this! I guess I'm lucky in the fact that she does follow my instructions and the routine that I've given her. She really doesn't question what I tell her because she knows things have changed so much in 30 years. If she did what your MIL does, she wouldn't be watching him.

We have absolutely no choice.....it sucks!!! We can't afford professional childcare (which we did with my oldest child and was far better and avoided a whole heap of problems) so we are kind of stuck. But - that's the point really - we have no choice, so can't really complain.....too much ha ha