Can I get some reassurance? During the week I'm usually at the NICU from 11-7 and when my husband travels sometimes even longer. So on weekends I sometimes just want to stay home and actually spend time with my husband. But then I feel so guilty not being there with DS. I hate feeling like I have to choose between spending time with DS and DH (for a variety of emotional reasons DH doesn't like to spend too much time at the NICU).
The rational side of me knows that it's okay to take time for myself but the emotional side of me still feels guilty. I guess this is just an AW type post. It's ok to spend the evening at home with DH right? Did any of you deal with similar feelings and how did you cope?
Post by marajadeskywalker on Feb 21, 2015 19:18:54 GMT -5
I would say don't feel guilty, but it wouldn't do any good. It is really hard keeping a balance. I can definitely relate to the guilt of not being there all the time with DS and not spending a lot of time with DH. It's for sure ok to spend the evening at home with DH.
We were lucky and lived 15 minutes away from the hospital. I would spend the day with DS, go home for dinner and then DH and I would both go back to the hospital for 'bedtime'. We would be there for his evening weigh in and have a little bedtime routine for ourselves that included feeding - either gavache or bottle, a story and a cuddle and then we would go home for the night. On weekends, both of us, or just me, would go in for the morning/early part of the afternoon, then we would do stuff together (mostly trying to get the house ready for when A came home, cuz we were not at all ready), then go in for bedtime.
DH and I knew we weren't going to spend a lot of time together so we went for quality instead of quantity.
I would say don't feel guilty, but it wouldn't do any good. It is really hard keeping a balance. I can definitely relate to the guilt of not being there all the time with DS and not spending a lot of time with DH. It's for sure ok to spend the evening at home with DH.
We were lucky and lived 15 minutes away from the hospital. I would spend the day with DS, go home for dinner and then DH and I would both go back to the hospital for 'bedtime'. We would be there for his evening weigh in and have a little bedtime routine for ourselves that included feeding - either gavache or bottle, a story and a cuddle and then we would go home for the night. On weekends, both of us, or just me, would go in for the morning/early part of the afternoon, then we would do stuff together (mostly trying to get the house ready for when A came home, cuz we were not at all ready), then go in for bedtime.
DH and I knew we weren't going to spend a lot of time together so we went for quality instead of quantity.
That sounds very similar to our routine right now. We luckily also live very close. It's reassuring to know that other NICU moms have similar routines and that I'm not doing anything wrong. Thanks for sharing!
You have to take care of yourself right now as well and that includes keeping your relationship with your DH in a good place. This is a super stressful time. You are doing what you can, don't feel guilty. Sounds like you are able to visit LO a lot which is fabulous!
How is he doing btw? Any updates on when he might get to come home?
He's doing great. We are just waiting on him to get better at oral feedings. He has now taken full feedings from a bottle several times but he's still very inconsistent and will then go several feedings refusing to wake up for oral feedings. He's still having occasional episodes with the bottle too but definitely improving. No word on when he can come home since it's all on his timeline right now.
Don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you spend a ton of time there. I know its easy to feel guilty, but realistically, you need time to heal yourself. You just went through something very traumatic and very hard on your body. Every mother feels guilty about the amount of time they spend in the NICU. When my DD was there for 8 weeks, I was only able to be with her for a few hours everyday because I had another child at home to take care of. DH spent even less time than that, maybe 1 hour per day. We did what we could given the situation. We got a few guilt trips from the nurses and doctors in the NICU, which was hard, but there was nothing more we could do. Don't let other people dictate what's right or wrong for you and your family. As long as you're doing your best and taking care of yourself and your relationship with your DH, then nothing else matters.
It sounds like your DS is doing great! He will be home before you know it. When he's older, he isn't going to remember how many hours a day you spent in the NICU. He's going to remember how much you love him and how you did your best to care for him.
Thanks though I'm so sorry the NICU staff have you grief. That's not right at all!
Post by phillygal34 on Feb 21, 2015 22:18:01 GMT -5
When ds was in the nicu I talked to a mom with older kids. I asked her how she did it. She said she spent the time she could in the nicu but when it came to the boys (in nicu- twins) or her daughter at home only one might remember and feel abandoned. She didn't feel like she was choosing her daughter over her boys. She was simply doing her best and knew her daughter was dealing with a lot too.
Your husband is her daughter. He will feel abandoned and alone. He sounds like he needs you to help him cope. So I think spending quality time with him and on yourself is a good thing. Your baby will be home soon and you won't have to choose. But for now you have to do the best you can. Hugs.
Do not feel guilty for taking some time for you and DH. The NICU journey is such a tough one. I was lucky and live about 5 minutes from our hospital so I could go back and for a lot. I would spend most of the day there. Go home in the afternoon for a bit, and then SO and I would go back after dinner together. For us early on I know SO felt like there wasn't much he could do and felt weird just sitting there. Meanwhile I was pumping, BFing, and doing skin to skin so I stayed occupied. He also felt awkward holding such a tiny baby. I realized that maintaining our relationship was just as important as building one with DS because it is such a stressful time.
I hope you DS keeps improving and you all get to be home as a family soon!
Post by phillygal34 on Feb 22, 2015 16:34:39 GMT -5
Don't forget, they have the most expensive and highly trained babysitters you will ever have. So they are in the best hands possible when yours aren't available!
It is always ok to take time for yourself and to bond with your husband! It is so important to take time to connect with him. You cannot and should not spend ridiculous amounts of time at the NICU. H and I went to a wedding when DS1 was 2 weeks old. The NICU nurses applauded us for going out. I didn't feel guilty at all. Like phillygal34 said, those NICU nurses are the best babysitters you will ever have.
Once he comes home, you'll be spending the next 18 years of your life with DS. Your marriage may take a backseat for a little while, so fit all the cuddling in now! Your baby will never, ever remember that you weren't there every second of every day. It will not matter one bit in the long run!
I'm glad he's doing well. You'll be home in no time!
Post by theycallmekveld on Feb 23, 2015 0:15:20 GMT -5
It's totally okay. And that applies to your baby in the NICU and then when he comes home. Parents need time to themselves. Your LO is in good hands and you have definitely earned some relaxation time.
One thing that helped me was if I knew someone else was with DS while I was gone. Like my mom, or my favorite nurse, or whoever. Is there someone like that who could stay with LO so you could relax but not have to worry?
Post by phillygal34 on Feb 23, 2015 7:44:43 GMT -5
That reminds me. When ds1 was in nicu we had tickets to a comedy show. It was supposed to be one of the last dates before he came. I was going to sell them and even offered them to a nurse. She told me we should go and that if we didn't she wouldn't let us do any care that night (I "think" she was kidding) we ended up going and they took an adorable picture of him with a sign that says he was partying hard while mom and dad had a much needed date night. It's one of my favorite pictures. We had a great night out and much needed laughs. I realized our life had become centered around nicu much more than if he was home with us. It refreshed us and allowed us to be more in the moment than if I spent hours there being a zombie. The nicu is draining. Time away is as important as time there for your health.
Post by lucilleaustero on Feb 24, 2015 9:41:19 GMT -5
Try not to feel guilty. There is no rulebook for this and NICU parents spread themselves thin. It is okay to take some time for you and your husband, you are both on a stressful journey together and need that time together.
When DS was in the NICU, I was at the hsopital from 7am- 5pm. My husband and DD would come up to the NICU and I wold hold up DS to the window so DD could see him. DH wouls go home and pick me up that night, so I was there for dinner and bedtime with DD. When I was at the hospital, I felt like I was neglecting my DD. When I was home, I felt like I was neglecting my DS. But, DS turned 6 months yesterday, and I can tell you that he and DD are no worse for the wear.
lucilleaustero, I could have written that myself. I had the same routine.
meladorie, DS is in the best possible place right now. He is with trained professionals that know exactly what to do for him while you are not there. He knows you love him but you also need to take care of you. Feeling guilty is normal if you didn't then I would say that isn't normal. You are doing what's best for your family and that's what matters. Taking the time to be with DH is also important because as PPs have said once DS is home you will need a whole new routine.
Post by irishvodkagrl on Mar 3, 2015 10:59:32 GMT -5
I read these stories and now I feel guilty because I'm only at the NICU for about 3 hours a day. I'm not allowed to drive yet and DH had to go back to work so I have to rely on rides from others. The hospital is also about 40 minutes away which is a little tough. I'm hoping as they get stronger and can tolerate more interaction that I'll get to be up there more.
I read these stories and now I feel guilty because I'm only at the NICU for about 3 hours a day. I'm not allowed to drive yet and DH had to go back to work so I have to rely on rides from others. The hospital is also about 40 minutes away which is a little tough. I'm hoping as they get stronger and can tolerate more interaction that I'll get to be up there more.
Don't feel bad. In the first 2 weeks or so I only went for about 3 hours also. I also couldn't drive and when they're so little you're not even allowed to hold them much. I'm spending all day there now only because I'm able to feed and do diaper changes and pick him up whenever. Before that it was just too hard to sit there looking at him but not being able to help at all.
I read these stories and now I feel guilty because I'm only at the NICU for about 3 hours a day. I'm not allowed to drive yet and DH had to go back to work so I have to rely on rides from others. The hospital is also about 40 minutes away which is a little tough. I'm hoping as they get stronger and can tolerate more interaction that I'll get to be up there more.
@irishvodkagirl, you are doing an awesome job!! In the first few weeks with DS, I was only there for a few hours every day. I couldn't take any more than that while recovering. Your babies are so lucky to have a mom who loves them so much. Hugs to you.
Meladorie! It is hard trying to fit it all in. I felt like I didnt get enough time with them when I was just down the hall... When I had to make the trip in- total guilt. Worse when I was readmitted and on Mag and not allowed to see them, so close- but kept away :-( You are doing great, Mama. I dont know your story on this end... everyrhing got so crazy there. But congrats, and hugs to you :-)
Meladorie! It is hard trying to fit it all in. I felt like I didnt get enough time with them when I was just down the hall... When I had to make the trip in- total guilt. Worse when I was readmitted and on Mag and not allowed to see them, so close- but kept away :-( You are doing great, Mama. I dont know your story on this end... everyrhing got so crazy there. But congrats, and hugs to you :-)
Damn I lost track of you. Yours were in the NICU too? How are they doing?
He's been home since Saturday and rocking it. No issues with the bottle and he's gained 8 ounces since Monday because he's eating twice as much lately. He's a big strong boy now. The current problem is battling his constant painful gas and inability to poop. Poor guy.
Post by bigboneded on Mar 14, 2015 13:46:45 GMT -5
Damn I lost track of you. Yours were in the NICU too? How are they doing?[/quote]
just 10 days. And they are good, thanks! My little one is on track for growth, but not on the chart... she's below 5th percentile :-) of course my pedi is not adjusting at all for 35 weeks ;-) Her sister is above 5th line (barely)
I'm so glad your boy is home! How are the cats liking him? Ours has just started to come close enough to sniff them and he hides in the bathroom and closes the door if they both are crying ;-)
Damn I lost track of you. Yours were in the NICU too? How are they doing?
just 10 days. And they are good, thanks! My little one is on track for growth, but not on the chart... she's below 5th percentile :-) of course my pedi is not adjusting at all for 35 weeks ;-) Her sister is above 5th line (barely)
I'm so glad your boy is home! How are the cats liking him? Ours has just started to come close enough to sniff them and he hides in the bathroom and closes the door if they both are crying ;-)[/quote]
Yeah DS is under 3rd percentile so I assume they're going on his actual age, which is silly. The cats do not like him. Well one doesn't even seem to notice him or care. But the other has been in hiding all week. He won't even be in the same room as me even when I'm not with baby. He's pretty pissed at me and now is extra clingy to dh.
Then Comes Family, LLC is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising
program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.