Guilt trip: living far from family

[Liv]

DH and I live about 20 hours (driving) from both sides of our family. We both came out here for college, graduated, got married, etc. I don't think either set of parents had expectations that we would move back closer to either side (they're literally on opposite ends of the country-- northern MN and Florida) but now that we have a little one(s) it's been a strain to always be the ones traveling to see our families at every holiday. It's costly to fly and time consuming to drive. Optimally, we would live closer to family, so our kids could see their gparents and uncles (we are both the oldest of 5 sibs still at home). But realistically, I don't WANT to live in either of those places. I moved away for a reason! Is it selfish of me to think that way?

This has been amplified by the fact that DH has an interview for a job in Dallas (which would actually be a few hours closer to each family). I've always liked Tx and would be very open to moving there, but at the same time I have this guilty feeling that we should try to get substantially closer to at least one side, whether I really want to raise a family there or not....

Ugh. Sorry for the brain barf. It's been weighing on me and I'd love to know if any of you have ever worked through something similar.

[surfmama106]

DHs sister moved to Georgia with her husband maybe 5 years ago and they struggle with this constantly. I do feel bad for them as they are 17 hours from us and his family by car and they are always traveling up here for the summer, holidays and special events. SIL is always super mad that no one will visit them and us constantly throwing it in people's faces. We've only been down to see them once and are going again this April as she will have her second DS the week before. I call her a lot to chat as both her mother (DHs mother) and their favorite aunt have passed away. I try to be there for them but in the end they chose to live 17 hours away and there isn't much else I can do to help them. I hope they move back eventually but I'm not sure they ever will. Sorry that I'm not much help. But sending good thoughts your way.

[jnnfrrose6]

In reverse of surfmama106, we are in Georgia with my MIL 17 hours away by car. Before kids we tried to alternate holidays, but now we leave it up to her to see us. It's easier because she's retired and doesn't have any other family in that area, but I know the hubs wants her closer (if for no other reason than the fact that she lives alone and is declining health). We are, however, only 30-45 min from my family so I can't really relate (except to understand moving away from where you grew up and not wanting to go back a la the hubs).

[Liv]

I appreciate the various perspectives! I know it's ultimately a personal and very specific choice, but it's helpful to hear thoughts from others, since the people I'd most like to ask (our parents!) are very biased, even though they try to be objective.

My biggest fear is that we take a chance living somewhere decently far away, and LOVE it and never move closer. Will my kids grow up and say "Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad. I really wish I had grown up closer to my grandparents." Even if we did decide to move closer to family, I have no idea how we'd choose which extreme we'd like to live in and which family we'd choose over the other.

Sometimes I hate being a grown up. At least the status quo is that we live far away, so taking another job that is equally/slightly less far away won't be a big drama fest for the family.

[jnnfrrose6]

I grew up about 12 hours from my father's parents and less than 3 from my mother's. I was/am definitely closer to my maternal grandparents, but that doesn't mean I didn't have a relationship with my other ones. It was different, but I loved them all the same. Plus, now you've got FaceTime and plenty of other ways to keep them involved in your kid's life.

[Lola]

Don't put the stress on yourself. I think it should go both ways. You travel to see them sometimes, but they can come see you too. We FaceTime my inlaws daily. I think it's a little overkill, but they want to see him so we do it. Or have you thought of taking family vacations together a meeting in the middle? Maybe like the outer banks for the fl family?

[gingergrant]

We live very far away from both of our families, and our solution is not to worry about it. I fly home with LO, but not DH (to save money), every 4 months or so. My folks fly here 2ce a year themselves. DH's parents are divorced and so can singly fly out here cheaper than we could fly there as a family. FIL came to visit in January, but MIL has not visited at all since LO was born, despite being invited. She'll meet LO for the first time in April when we go out there.

[stellabunny]

My dad was in the military and we moved around every three years. We were never that close physically to my extended family who were all in Minnesota. We also didn't travel to see them every holiday. We would just drive to Minnesota from wherever we were at and spend two weeks every summer visiting the extended family. Could you do something like that - one long trip each year rather than a bunch of smaller ones? Every few years some of them would come out to see us.

I still feel like I got to know my grandparents pretty well and was a part of their lives. DD's MN is actually my grandma's name. My niece's MN is a derivation of our grandfather's on that side. I'm not very close to my aunts, uncles or cousins, but we're friendly and exchange Christmas cards and what not.

As someone who was never that physically close to their extended family, I don't feel like anything in my life was lacking anyway.

[lea]

Honestly, you can only do so much. It's also on both sets of parents to determine how involved to be in their grandkids' lives. The distance is an obstacle but if they are as active as they can be from a distance and also visit you (if they're able), your kids' relationships with them will likely be good. My ILs live 20+ hours away. DS1 has met them once when he had just turned 2. They don't call often, they don't send birthday cards/gifts or write letters to him (even though he sends them stuff). It's just not feasible for us to travel to them every year because it's expensive and DH's schedule between work and school just doesn't give him much time to go. I don't really feel guilty for them not seeing their grandkids because they make no effort to be involved any way they can. I feel a little bad for MIL because I think she would come visit but she submits to FIL and he won't get on a plane and come so it is what it is.

You have to do what works for your family. Being far away doesn't mean your kids can't still form a close bond with their grandparents.

[Leapinglizards]

I'm about six hours from my parents in about 12 hours from my husband's family. My mom hates that we're so far away and tries to guilt trip me but I'm happy where I live

We split holidays and I'm kind of that piece that we really won't be able to spend holidays at our house at least for a couple of years

We do a family trip with my side of the family every summer which is nice

The ILs its just holidays and special occasions they are a lot of drama

I honestly Think FaceTime Will be enough to keep my daughter close to her grandparents

It's hard to move somewhere new because you have to build up a support system so I would say do whatever makes you happy

[GrrArgh]

We moved to new mexico just before we started having kids. All of our family is in the NY metro and it sucks sometimes.

Our quality of life is much higher here for a lot of reasons so while we are open to moving other places, that area is out. It is just better for us and our family and yeah in a perfect world we would be closer but that's just not feasible.

I am thankful our familes are understanding and come out here a lot and we try to go as much as we can.

[stellabunny]

@iheartmyshiba - love titting for the TL;DR part.

[Liv]

Feb 22, 2015 22:00:59 GMT -5 @iheartmyshiba said:

Feb 22, 2015 15:48:36 GMT -5 Liv said:

TL;DR Move to Texas. Become my BFF.

If we make the move, I will find you and we will be friends!! Maddie and June can be pals, too  

[Liv]

Also Shibes ( @iheartmyshiba) I should pick your brain sometime about how you've adjusted from east coast pace to TX.

[Liv]

Feb 22, 2015 21:07:14 GMT -5 GrrArgh said:

We moved to new mexico just before we started having kids. All of our family is in the NY metro and it sucks sometimes.

Our quality of life is much higher here for a lot of reasons so while we are open to moving other places, that area is out. It is just better for us and our family and yeah in a perfect world we would be closer but that's just not feasible.

I am thankful our familes are understanding and come out here a lot and we try to go as much as we can.

Wow, that's a long move-- I can relate to the quality of life stuff. Northern VA is freaking expensive, like NY. I'm so glad your family is understanding. That would make a huge difference.

[Liv]

Feb 22, 2015 20:28:59 GMT -5 lea said:

Honestly, you can only do so much. It's also on both sets of parents to determine how involved to be in their grandkids' lives. The distance is an obstacle but if they are as active as they can be from a distance and also visit you (if they're able), your kids' relationships with them will likely be good. My ILs live 20+ hours away. DS1 has met them once when he had just turned 2. They don't call often, they don't send birthday cards/gifts or write letters to him (even though he sends them stuff). It's just not feasible for us to travel to them every year because it's expensive and DH's schedule between work and school just doesn't give him much time to go. I don't really feel guilty for them not seeing their grandkids because they make no effort to be involved any way they can. I feel a little bad for MIL because I think she would come visit but she submits to FIL and he won't get on a plane and come so it is what it is.

You have to do what works for your family. Being far away doesn't mean your kids can't still form a close bond with their grandparents.

That's so sad about your ILs. But I agree, it's not on you to make a relationship happen if they're not willing to come halfway. 

[jnnfrrose6]

Hijacking the thread for a sec. Liv, the hubs is headed to Northern VA today for the week for business. How's the weather looking up there?

[Lola]

Feb 23, 2015 8:41:40 GMT -5 jnnfrrose6 said:

Hijacking the thread for a sec. Liv, the hubs is headed to Northern VA today for the week for business. How's the weather looking up there?

I live in the dc/md/nova area and it is currently 28 and cloudy, the main roads are fine, back roads are a little icy. A bunch of counties are on 2 hour delays so traffic was nice this morning!

[jnnfrrose6]

Feb 23, 2015 8:47:36 GMT -5 Lola said:

Feb 23, 2015 8:41:40 GMT -5 jnnfrrose6 said:

Hijacking the thread for a sec. Liv, the hubs is headed to Northern VA today for the week for business. How's the weather looking up there?

I live in the dc/md/nova area and it is currently 28 and cloudy, the main roads are fine, back roads are a little icy. A bunch of counties are on 2 hour delays so traffic was nice this morning!

That's exactly where he'll be this week (Richmond, Fairfax, & Bethesda). Thanks for the intel!

[Liv]

Feb 23, 2015 8:52:30 GMT -5 jnnfrrose6 said:

Feb 23, 2015 8:47:36 GMT -5 Lola said:

I live in the dc/md/nova area and it is currently 28 and cloudy, the main roads are fine, back roads are a little icy. A bunch of counties are on 2 hour delays so traffic was nice this morning!

That's exactly where he'll be this week (Richmond, Fairfax, & Bethesda). Thanks for the intel!

Yep! What she said. A little cold but hubs said roads were OK. 

[luckynumbers81]

Feb 22, 2015 15:48:36 GMT -5 Liv said:

DH and I live about 20 hours (driving) from both sides of our family. We both came out here for college, graduated, got married, etc. I don't think either set of parents had expectations that we would move back closer to either side (they're literally on opposite ends of the country-- northern MN and Florida) but now that we have a little one(s) it's been a strain to always be the ones traveling to see our families at every holiday. It's costly to fly and time consuming to drive. Optimally, we would live closer to family, so our kids could see their gparents and uncles (we are both the oldest of 5 sibs still at home). But realistically, I don't WANT to live in either of those places. I moved away for a reason! Is it selfish of me to think that way?

This has been amplified by the fact that DH has an interview for a job in Dallas (which would actually be a few hours closer to each family). I've always liked Tx and would be very open to moving there, but at the same time I have this guilty feeling that we should try to get substantially closer to at least one side, whether I really want to raise a family there or not....

Ugh. Sorry for the brain barf. It's been weighing on me and I'd love to know if any of you have ever worked through something similar.

Both sides of the family are on the east coast and we are in TX. It is so expensive to fly so when we get guilt trips I simply tell them they are welcome to come at any time. I loved not going traveling for the holidays, we were able to start are own traditions, it was great! It is not selfish of you, you have to live your own life. There's Skype, vacations and all sorts of other ways to establish a relationship with other relatives@

[Liv]

Feb 23, 2015 9:43:10 GMT -5 luckynumbers81 said:

Feb 22, 2015 15:48:36 GMT -5 Liv said:

DH and I live about 20 hours (driving) from both sides of our family. We both came out here for college, graduated, got married, etc. I don't think either set of parents had expectations that we would move back closer to either side (they're literally on opposite ends of the country-- northern MN and Florida) but now that we have a little one(s) it's been a strain to always be the ones traveling to see our families at every holiday. It's costly to fly and time consuming to drive. Optimally, we would live closer to family, so our kids could see their gparents and uncles (we are both the oldest of 5 sibs still at home). But realistically, I don't WANT to live in either of those places. I moved away for a reason! Is it selfish of me to think that way?

This has been amplified by the fact that DH has an interview for a job in Dallas (which would actually be a few hours closer to each family). I've always liked Tx and would be very open to moving there, but at the same time I have this guilty feeling that we should try to get substantially closer to at least one side, whether I really want to raise a family there or not....

Ugh. Sorry for the brain barf. It's been weighing on me and I'd love to know if any of you have ever worked through something similar.

Both sides of the family are on the east coast and we are in TX. It is so expensive to fly so when we get guilt trips I simply tell them they are welcome to come at any time. I loved not going traveling for the holidays, we were able to start are own traditions, it was great! It is not selfish of you, you have to live your own life. There's Skype, vacations and all sorts of other ways to establish a relationship with other relatives@

More TX peeps! I agree, I definitely should not be feeling guilt or feeling like it's all on me to make relationships happen. It's tricky since hubs and I are both firstborns... so we're essentially fighting to set reasonable precedents on when and how often we travel to see family vs. staying home to start our own traditions. I'm really looking forward to the time when I grow the balls to set our own boundaries and start doing our own vacations, at least on some level. 

[dawnfire]

Move to Texas. We often serve foods in the shape of our state.



Also, we have super affordable houses. DH and I bought a house our first year married, which no way we could have done that if I'd been insane and moved to MD where he was at the time.

[Liv]

Feb 24, 2015 18:27:55 GMT -5 dawnfire said:

Move to Texas. We often serve foods in the shape of our state.



Also, we have super affordable houses. DH and I bought a house our first year married, which no way we could have done that if I'd been insane and moved to MD where he was at the time.

Affordability is a HUGE draw for us!! I don't think we could afford anything but a 900 sq ft apt for years out here.

[stellabunny]

I'm in Colorado and we also have foods in the shape of our state...of course it's not quite as impressive when your state is just a big square.

[isolemnlyswear]

We only live 1hr and 20 minutes from my parents and they make me feel like we live 20hrs away! It's super annoying. DH took his dream job and we will be moving an additional 45 minutes west and you'd think we were leaving the US. We always have to go visit them because both my sister and parents live in the same town. I'm putting my foot down this year and we are doing Christmas on our own. I just remind them that they are more then welcome to visit and if they don't then I might as well move out of MI and go some place that is above freezing it usually gets them off my back.

[stellabunny]

Feb 24, 2015 22:36:53 GMT -5 isolemnlyswear said:

We only live 1hr and 20 minutes from my parents and they make me feel like we live 20hrs away! It's super annoying. DH took his dream job and we will be moving an additional 45 minutes west and you'd think we were leaving the US. We always have to go visit them because both my sister and parents live in the same town. I'm putting my foot down this year and we are doing Christmas on our own. I just remind them that they are more then welcome to visit and if they don't then I might as well move out of MI and go some place that is above freezing it usually gets them off my back.

My tactic was to live in Alaska for more than a decade before coming back. Now that I'm only a two hour drive away they all are like, "you're so close now!!"

[isolemnlyswear]

Feb 24, 2015 22:52:58 GMT -5 stellabunny said:

Feb 24, 2015 22:36:53 GMT -5 isolemnlyswear said:

We only live 1hr and 20 minutes from my parents and they make me feel like we live 20hrs away! It's super annoying. DH took his dream job and we will be moving an additional 45 minutes west and you'd think we were leaving the US. We always have to go visit them because both my sister and parents live in the same town. I'm putting my foot down this year and we are doing Christmas on our own. I just remind them that they are more then welcome to visit and if they don't then I might as well move out of MI and go some place that is above freezing it usually gets them off my back.

My tactic was to live in Alaska for more than a decade before coming back. Now that I'm only a two hour drive away they all are like, "you're so close now!!"

Good idea! And crazy enough Alaska is warmer then Michigan.......