This is such a difficult decision and hubby & I don't agree

[jwinct]

We have to fill out our DCF adoption registration form and the most difficult question on it is what level of legal risk we're willing to take. My husband will not budge from "low legal risk" and I'm willing to accept more risk. The adoption SW who lead our class last week said, straight out, that if don't indicate "high legal risk" on your adoption registration, there's no way you'll be considered for a baby because all babies are high legal risk, even if the mother has had children removed previously. While I'm not dead-set on a baby, I'd like to at least be able to be considered for one.

However, the SW also stated that risk is risk. Even if a child is considered low legal risk, that child could get placed back with his/her birth family. Even if a child is high legal risk and the goal is reunification, sometimes that's not the end result and TPR happens. You just never know.

I feel like if we indicate "low legal risk" (#1 below) on our registration, we are severely reducing our chances of ever getting selected for a placement at all. But then, if hubby reluctantly agrees to select a higher level of risk and then we get a placement and that child ends up getting reunified with the birth family, I fear that he will blame me, even though I'm sure he'd never come out and say it.

I'm planning to talk to our licensing SW about it to see if she can help us mutually come to a decision, but boy I never thought this one question would hang us up so much.



These are the levels of risk, as written on the registration form:

1. Termination has been granted, but termination order has been appealed.

2. Case is filed in court, but hearing is contested, and a series of continuances is expected.

3. You would provide foster care to a child for whom the department plans to file a termination petition with the
expectation you would adopt a child if the child becomes legally free.

[grannypantiesrock]

jwinct, Is it possible to change your risk preference at another time? Maybe start off with low risk for awhile and if you don't receive a placement, your husband might come around on his own. I know where he's coming from. I feel like I have no tolerance for risk even though it is inherent to the process. I just can't imagine a disruption. I feel like it would break me.

[pandd]

A couple of thoughts - my wife and I had some of the same indecision. We decided to choose to foster/adopt, including straight fostering.
Our thinking was, first of all, that we can benefit a child, even if that child is only with us briefly. It will be hard on us for a child to leave, but if we remember that the reason we chose THIS route of making a family was to have the chance to do good, then we are still achieving that goal even if an individual child doesn't stay with us.
Additionally, the more moves a child has, the worse the outcome for that child. This is one of the real benefits of being a concurrent planning family - you are committing to be that ONE placement for that child, whether they return home or move to adoption (barring unforseen circumstances that necessitate having the child moved).
It really does end up being a sort of give and take - by being a concurrent family (in our area that means being willing to take some risk), you are getting kids from the start frequently, and you will have priority to adopt if the family is not able to take the child. Many of the kids who are legally free have special needs which make it difficult or impossible for their current foster family to adopt them, but this is certainly not always the case.
You are taking a risk no matter what, but a risk where you can end up really helping.
Just wanted to give you some of the thoughts we had when we were making the same decision. We are just now waiting to be licensed after finally finishing everything. Maybe I will think differently about this after a few placements.

[jenn]

I have no advice but I like what grannypantiesrock said. If you can start at low risk and then decide down the road to change. That's what we did with our openness to drug issues. We started with very low usage and now, after discussing it with two doctors, we have really opened up our options.

GL!

[jwinct]

grannypantiesrock,pandd, jenn,

Thanks so much, ladies. I'm sure we could change our risk tolerance if we don't get any placement calls. I didn't even think of that.

pandd- That's one of the reasons I'd like to be open to higher risk... so that the child will be bounced around as little as possible. Being moved from a foster home to us would be one extra trauma the child doesn't need.

We are almost 40 years old and have two young children, so we're trying to make all of our decisions with our kids' best interest in mind, which is one of the reasons we had been leaning towards low risk. If we were younger and had no kids, I think my hubby would be more open to higher legal risk. I was feeling the same way until recently, after hearing various stories of both adoptions and reunifications. There is going to be risk no matter what. And if we are chosen for a placement, the SW will give us the background and there's always the chance that even though a child is technically listed as high risk, the risk level may not be all that high. Does that make sense?

jenn - I'd love to hear what the doctors said about drug use. I've been curious about that and it's hard to find any "good" information by googling.

[jenn]

jwinct - I think I've got some articles at home I can send you. Let me go home and look and I'll find something! We are pretty open to most drugs and alcohol use, as long as the baby isn't incredibly premature. We're open to 34wks and up. But that's us. But let me look tonight!

[spooko]

While I do think you need to be open to more risk to have better odds of getting a placement that will actually go through to adoption, I firmly believe that you have to err on whatever side is the most conservative. Just like when 2 people don't agree on how many kids to have and you have to defer to the person who wants fewer, I think at this junction, you need to refer to your DH's wishes. Perhaps he will come along in time, but it isn't fair to him to go through more heartache than what he can handle. This is especially true considering he's being very upfront with you about it.

[pandd]

One other thing my wife and I discussed was the fact that we want to get the calls, and then make a decision, rather than ruling out all sorts of situations before the call comes. If we were willing to consider a given situation, we listed ourselves being open to it since we can always make the judgment at the time of the call whether then time is right or not for a given child. (if that made any sense)

Regarding drug exposure - your best resource is probably pubmed or google scholar. If you look for "Reviews" they typically take evidence from multiple studies and boil it down. If you have questions about what some of it means, you can always ask your pediatrician or family doctor. The more recent studies are definitely interesting.

[carolinah]

I think you've already gotten solid advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you guys have to make a big compromise either way.

[wishuponastar]

It is so hard to decide what you are "open to", in all areas of adoption.
I was like you, I wanted to be open to as many things as possible. DH was a little bit more hesitant.
We started conservatively and decided to revisit at 6 months.

Good luck to you! ((HUGS))

[theholmanherd]

I haven't read all the responses, yet, but I wanted to echo PP's statement that, even if the placement doesn't turn into adoption, you will still be able to have a positive impact on the child. You have to kind of go into this with that mindset. Yes, you want a child, but you will likely be helping other children along the way. DH and I plan on high risk. Anything can happen regardless of risk and I think you will end up with the kids you're meant to be with. But maybe there's a kid you're meant to have temporarily, so you can impact his or her life in a positive way.

I'm looking at it as a children's ministry of sorts, with the ultimate goal of adoption. I may not be able to keep all the children we are placed with, but I can make a different in their lives regardless. Just my 2 cents.

[soadchik]

You can always say no to a situation.  Our social worker said to keep your answers as wide open to as many possibilities as possible (that you are still comfortable with) b/c your profile will not be shown to those you say no or maybe to.... Then if you happen to get chosen and it is a situation you are not comfortable with, just say no.. but if you limit everything too much, your profile will not be shown as much and you could miss out on a match that would actually work for you.

[jwinct]

Thanks, everyone. We talked with our SW and then talked more about it together and we made a decision. Yah!