When to Change Daycare?

[greenmonkey1]

DH and I both work FT, we have two kids (2.5 years and 6-months) who are at daycare 3 days a week and with my mom/inlaws the other two.  Due to problems with the inlaws, we are going to 4 days daycare and 1 day with my mom.  This has been a long time coming, but we've tried to compromise.  MIL finally gave DH the proverbial middle finger (again) and he is (thank GOD) finally tired of her shenanigans. 

So the question is when to make the switch?  DS1 is probably going to have some trouble with the change.  He's a toddler and this will mess with his structure.  The baby will probably not care in the least.  On one hand I say, let's tell MIL this week and have the kids in daycare next week.  Consequences need to relate to the action so I say let's just get it done.  Like removing a band-aid.  On the other hand DH says let's tell MIL this week and give her two last weeks with the kids.  Daycare couldn't care less either way, although I am pretty sure they would prefer not this week.

I am a little afraid MIL will talk shift to the boys about me/DH.  She is notorious for never saying "no" to my older son.  It's always, "mommy says no".  So I already know she throws me under the bus.  DH doesn't think she'd do that, but who knows- she is going to be pretty irate that "we are taking her grandsons away".  OMG, we haven't even made the switch yet and I already know it's going to be a rough ride.

Advice on making the change?

[eyenigh]

Am I reading correctly that they're going from 3 days a week at daycare to 4? I'd just do it whenever you're ready. I think if they're already used to the daycare, one more day won't be a huge thing.

[shakinros]

I'm so sorry. Sounds like a giant PITA.

Agree with eyenigh. Just get it over with quick. 3 days to 4 days is going to be an ok adjustment.

[somebabiesmom]

I'd finish the week with MIL, then tell her on Friday that you're making the switch starting Monday. Then start limiting her contact to supervised visits. That way you can avoid her taking anything out on the kids. Other than the impact on your kids, I wouldn't take her reaction into consideration. It sound like it's time for her to lie in the bed she made.

I agree that one additional day at DC isn't going to be a big deal. In fact, it seems like DS likely has more stability there and will benefit from the move.

[lynn0514]

It sounds like the main question in when to make the swtich revolves around how it will affect MIL. Since she has clearly messed up, I probably wouldn't let that issue weigh too heavily in my decision. I agree that it would likely make the most sense to finish out this week as normal, and make the switch next week. Sorry your MIL is being a pain!

[2chatter]

I don't think it will be a big change for the kids. I would tell MIL AFTER her last day of caring for your boys to eliminate the possibility of inappropriate behavior.

[pittpurple]

I would do exactly as others had suggested - finish up the week and tell her that it will change next week. Your kids probably won't even notice, they can't count days yet so they'll just carry on with their 3-day routine for 4-days. We pull my daughter out of daycare for a few days whenever we have family visiting and it never affects anything.

[ECB]

Yup, make this her last week and don't tell her until the end of the week.

And just accept she's going to be irate. You can't control or dictate her feelings. Just own it and know that you're doing what's best for your family.

[greenmonkey1]

Thanks, everyone! I'm hoping DS1 will take the schedule change in stride. At this point, neither DH nor I care about MIL's reaction. Ok, DH cares (somewhat) and I really could give a flying fig.


ECB DH is not looking forward to telling MIL. She is going to flip her shift. I just plan on ignoring her calls and have told DH to do the same (after he tells her). We had her on the books to babysit for a following Saturday date night (other side of the family party) and are prepped for me to go solo and DH stay home with the boys.



Thankfully the daycare has an open slot/will make a slot and is totally cool with the change.

[ECB]

Feb 24, 2015 9:48:26 GMT -5 greenmonkey1 said:

DH is not looking forward to telling MIL. She is going to flip her shift.

Oh, I realize this and I don't mean to discount it.  But whether you do it this week or in 2 weeks- she's still going to flip, right?  So, yes, rip the band-aid off now. 

[greenmonkey1]

Feb 24, 2015 10:23:08 GMT -5 ECB said:

Feb 24, 2015 9:48:26 GMT -5 greenmonkey1 said:

DH is not looking forward to telling MIL. She is going to flip her shift.

Oh, I realize this and I don't mean to discount it.  But whether you do it this week or in 2 weeks- she's still going to flip, right?  So, yes, rip the band-aid off now. 

ECB It's cool.  I appreciate the support and agree.  As much as I tell myself we cannot be responsible for her feelings/reaction I am still not looking forward to the added stress.  Although after the initial blowout I am hoping the stress diminishes since we won't be dealing with direct issues weekly that impact the health/wellness of my boys.

[supertrooper1]

DS is almost 2 and routinely goes 3 or 4 days a week depending on my work schedule. The only difference is usually he's more tired in the evenings during the 4 day weeks because of all the playing he does all day.

I agree with the pp's, do it sooner rather than later. But then you mentioned your MIL was scheduled to babysit in 2 weeks, so you could wait a week if it's really important to you.

[b0710]

I would make the switch asap. I would not give MIL another 2 weeks. It's not a job where you need 2 weeks notice. I would not want my kids in an environment where there could be hostility towards myself or DH. It's not like they won't ever see their grandma again either, so I would just switch and move on sooner rather than later. I would put my foot down about this too....what is she going to do with 2 more days (positive or negative)?

[junewife]

Feb 24, 2015 6:40:22 GMT -5 somebabiesmom said:

I'd finish the week with MIL, then tell her on Friday that you're making the switch starting Monday. Then start limiting her contact to supervised visits. That way you can avoid her taking anything out on the kids. Other than the impact on your kids, I wouldn't take her reaction into consideration. It sound like it's time for her to lie in the bed she made.

I agree that one additional day at DC isn't going to be a big deal. In fact, it seems like DS likely has more stability there and will benefit from the move.

Yep, assuming that what your MIL did was really awful (which it seems like), this is what I'd do too. GL!

[greenmonkey1]

supertrooper1 Glad to hear your little guy handles the schedule change. I am probably worrying unnecessarily; honestly, MIL has caused so much undue stress over the course of our marriage that I vacillate between not giving two flying figs and stressing out about making the right compromise. I keep thinking that I can fix it/be a better DIL/whatever.

junewife The funny thing is the action that is leading up to us changing childcare in itself really isnt' all that awful. She's certainly done worse. This time; however, she told DH that she didn't like one of our house rules for watching the kids so she wasn't going to follow it and was going to sneak it when we're not there. We knew she didn't like the rule, she's been on DH's case for a while. DH is finally done with her constantly challenging everything we do/say/want/etc and then thinking she can apologize her way out of a consequence when she goes and does expressly what we asked her not to do (she is pretty manipulative). We've done most if not all the compromising to make this work and we're both done with such a one-sided relationship. It's sad, I never thought I'd be in this position.

[pittpurple]

Feb 25, 2015 21:42:37 GMT -5 greenmonkey1 said:

supertrooper1 Glad to hear your little guy handles the schedule change. I am probably worrying unnecessarily; honestly, MIL has caused so much undue stress over the course of our marriage that I vacillate between not giving two flying figs and stressing out about making the right compromise. I keep thinking that I can fix it/be a better DIL/whatever.

junewife The funny thing is the action that is leading up to us changing childcare in itself really isnt' all that awful. She's certainly done worse. This time; however, she told DH that she didn't like one of our house rules for watching the kids so she wasn't going to follow it and was going to sneak it when we're not there. We knew she didn't like the rule, she's been on DH's case for a while. DH is finally done with her constantly challenging everything we do/say/want/etc and then thinking she can apologize her way out of a consequence when she goes and does expressly what we asked her not to do (she is pretty manipulative). We've done most if not all the compromising to make this work and we're both done with such a one-sided relationship. It's sad, I never thought I'd be in this position.

That is INSANE actually IMO. I mean, I'm sure my child watches more TV than I like when he's with his grandparents but they would never tell me they were going to break an actual rule on purpose! If there's something that's important to us (DH and I), then our parents all respect it - or at least don't tell us that they aren't respecting it!

I'd definitely just change it up as soon as possible, I really can't think your kids would notice.

[junewife]

Feb 25, 2015 21:42:37 GMT -5 greenmonkey1 said:

supertrooper1 Glad to hear your little guy handles the schedule change. I am probably worrying unnecessarily; honestly, MIL has caused so much undue stress over the course of our marriage that I vacillate between not giving two flying figs and stressing out about making the right compromise. I keep thinking that I can fix it/be a better DIL/whatever.

junewife The funny thing is the action that is leading up to us changing childcare in itself really isnt' all that awful. She's certainly done worse. This time; however, she told DH that she didn't like one of our house rules for watching the kids so she wasn't going to follow it and was going to sneak it when we're not there. We knew she didn't like the rule, she's been on DH's case for a while. DH is finally done with her constantly challenging everything we do/say/want/etc and then thinking she can apologize her way out of a consequence when she goes and does expressly what we asked her not to do (she is pretty manipulative). We've done most if not all the compromising to make this work and we're both done with such a one-sided relationship. It's sad, I never thought I'd be in this position.

Yeah there are certainly more awful things she could've done, but in my opinion it's critical that you be able to trust your childcare provider to follow your wishes. To have her blatantly disregard a rule undermines your authority as parents and has to make you wonder what else she's disregarding that she *isn't* telling you about. So I support your decision. She'll probably throw a hissy fit, but you need to do what's best for your family. And I'm sure you'll be more comfortable at work now, not wondering what's going on at MIL's.

I'm not saying you need to cut the kids' grandmother out of their lives (nor are you, I don't think), but this is a childcare situation and you're well within your rights to make the change. GL!