Loss Check-In 2/23/15

[mrswheelo]

Hello ladies. I hope you've all had a peaceful week, in a sunny place. Lol. 

1- How are you feeling this week? Any new emotions? Any old ones resurfacing? 

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones or plans? 

3-  What did you do with your angel's things? Were they returned, given away, packed away, left in the same place, or used as a "hand-me-down" for your rainbow? 

[happyin14]

1- How are you feeling this week? Any new emotions? Any old ones resurfacing?

I'm doing much better. I feel like I am coming out of a fog- which is s familiar feeling. I also have been feeling "normal" and not sure I like it.

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones or plans?

The benefit is Sunday!! I was able to get some good replacement performers. I wish I had one or two more but we will manage. And today we were officially awarded 501 (c) 3 status so we are tax deductible!! Whoo hoo!

3- What did you do with your angel's things? Were they returned, given away, packed away, left in the same place, or used as a "hand-me-down" for your rainbow?

All of the above. Well, nothing was returned because he was older. We gave a lot of his toys away to his old school. And will probably give away more. Some special items are in a box. And lots of stuff are being recycled with his little brother.

[mommytoava]

- How are you feeling this week? Any new emotions? Any old ones resurfacing?
Sadness and I really feel cheated. We are coming up on six months at the end of this week since Ava left, it still feels like a bad dream.

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones or plans?
Just trying to make it through each day. My parents have been here the last couple of months and will be going back home soon. We will have to adjust to them being gone, they have been a huge help to us.

3- What did you do with your angel's things? Were they returned, given away, packed away, left in the same place, or used as a "hand-me-down" for your rainbow?
We still have most of her things. I did go through her books and gave some to her daycare provider. Everything else is in her room.

[mrswheelo]

happyin14, Yay! That is great news about the benefit!! I understand those mixed emotions about feeling "normal". Sometimes I wonder if I am purposely keep in myself from healing. Although, I don't fully understand why. I'm sad glad some of Jack's things were able to be passed on to his little brother. I'm sure the process of rehoming his things was hard.

mommytoava, welcome to the board. I often feel cheated as well. These milestones, such as our angel's 6 months, make that feeling even stronger. How wonderful that your parents have been able to stay with you. I'm sure that was an enormous help and wealth of emotional support. I'm sorry they have to leave. I hope the transition goes smoothly for you.

AFM.....

1- How are you feeling this week?
I am feeling strong. Finally able to manage my emotions a little better. I'm a little frustrated with DH, although I would never tell him. He insisted that I was shutting him out and that I needed to be more open. However, my true thoughts and feelings often make him feel things he doesn't want to and I can tell he is trying to put up a front.

2- Any events/milestones?

I have both actually. We are approaching Lane and Lisa's due date. March 10th. It is made harder by watching those who were pregnant the same time as us give birth to their healthy, term, babies. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store. As I was putting the milk in the cart, I noticed that the expiration date was March 10th. Ouch. What cruel irony.

3- what did you do with your angel's things?
Their room is exactly the same as when we put it together. I found out a month ago that one of our gossip spreading relatives started a rumor that I "went crazy and shredded all of the baby things". She's half right. I probably am a little less sane nowadays. But, we kept everything in it's place. I cant expect those who haven't experienced loss to understand, but those things are all I have left of my babies and I treasure them. It just didn't feel right getting rid of things. We don't have other children, but plan to use their things for any future babies we may have. They will be raised knowing about their older siblings. This way, even though the twins nevr got to use their things, they feel like hand-me-downs. Like any other family with multiple children.

[wrenofthesea]

happyin14 Congrats on the tax deductible status, and I am glad to hear you got some performers you feel good about.

1- How are you feeling this week? Any new emotions? Any old ones resurfacing?

Eh- life is life and that is about all I can say. Spent yesterday on the couch cuddled with the dogs, but I did get out to the gym that night with H.

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones or plans?

Nothing much. We are running (and probably walking some) another 5k this weekend. Two couples we are friends with are also going and one is pregnant with a girl- I think she is about 6-7 mos. Already told H I don't want to run with her but not sure how we can completely avoid her during this. We aren't very close so we haven't seen her since losing Lillian. At a run we did two weekends ago there was a woman in front of us who had a sign on her behind proclaiming that she was 26 weeks pregnant- lets just say that run was very difficult for me and I ended up walking most of it due to emotions/whatnot. It is just hard since I no longer have that innocence that everything will be fine in a pregnancy, that bad things happen so rarely so why worry as it couldn't possible happen to you... if I ever do get pregnant again I know I could not run a 5k without unending worry and that makes me envious and sad is the point of this ramble.

3- What did you do with your angel's things? Were they returned, given away, packed away, left in the same place, or used as a "hand-me-down" for your rainbow?

Nothing returned- though most of the disposable diapers and a few other hygiene type things were given to a local food bank that takes in baby supplies. Someone had made me a diaper cake so I couldn't give away those diapers as they were not in a sealed bag... not sure what to do with those. Much of her clothes and such are packed away, more for safe keeping than to not see them. They are accessible and I find myself opening up the tubs from time to time. The rest of her room is all the same. We hope someday to pass much of her stuff down to her little brother or sister (a lot of what we got was gender neutral), but only time will tell if that can happen. There are a few special things that were so uniquely bought for her that we will either keep in a memory box or display in a special place.

[penguininthecity]

Sorry for not checking in last week even though I was tagged. Was tied up with some craziness at work.

1- How are you feeling this week?
Still up and down. Feeling fine today, but yesterday was really bad emotionally. I ran into the same lady and child on my commute yesterday I was unconsciously swaying along with a couple of weeks ago. Went into a crying bout and was just mopey the rest of the day. The same lady didn't bother me two weeks prior... Very inconsistent, those triggers.

2- Any events/milestones?

None this week.

3- what did you do with your angel's things?

We're hoping for a rainbow, so we'll probably end up using most of the things we got from the registry for any subsequent sibling(s). We donated most of the things that won't hold off until 2016 to a women's shelter.

[flutterfly88]

Thanks for the check-in mrswheelo. 

happyin14, I'm glad things are coming along with the benefit, and congrats on the 501 (c) 3 status!
mommytoava, sending you so many (((hugs))). 
mrswheelo, I'm sorry for the gossip that is being spread. Be gentle to yourself on your due date, mine was a lot harer than I thoguth it would be. Do you have plans for the day? I feel the same way regarding hand-me downs. I bought a couple of outfits that we had been looking at before our loss after we lost Parker, and put those away as hand me downs, so I get where you're coming from. 
wrenofthesea, I'm sorry that your run was hard. I ope your upcoming one goes better (((hugs)))
penguininthecity, I'm sorry for the triggers. It's hard when the things that don't bother us one day, suddenly become overwhelming the next. I hope work calms down for you soon. (((hugs)))


AFM:
1- How are you feeling this week? Any new emotions? Any old ones resurfacing?
Sunday was hard, we had a special Sunday night service at church, and there was a visitor with a brand-new baby there. The "that should be me" feelings were overwhelming, and like a punch in the gut. I got through it and am feeling better now. We got the confirmation from the OB that we are cleared to ttc again. I'm excited but nervous, and not quite sure if I'm emotionally ready. 

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones or plans?
No milestones coming up, but DH and I need to get on finalizing plans for Parker's gravestone. I've given us a deadline of having it in by the end of May, as I know it'll be something that gets put off, and I hate the idea of him not having a permanent marker (and the temporary one becoming weathered and unreadable). 

3- What did you do with your angel's things? Were they returned, given away, packed away, left in the same place, or used as a "hand-me-down" for your rainbow?
We didn't have anything to return. All our baby furniture was moved from my place to my parent's before I came home from the hospital. We have a small drawer in our second bedroom with a few clothing items, and those will be kept for if we have a rainbow in the future. A family member is making us a small chest, so that we can keep his outfit, blanket and a few other mementos in it.  

[mrswheelo]

penguininthecity, I'm glad you're back this week. Triggers change for me as well. The worst is when I'm in a public place and can't control it. Crying in the grocery store aisle sucks Partly becuase I'm embarrassed by the random outburst and partly bc I never know if ppl are wondering if I'm just upset that they are out of the ice cream I wanted. Oh well.
I'm sorry this trigger is one you have to see often. I hope work settles down for you.

wrenofthesea, that run would be tough for me too. I am envious of those who can do those things and never have a problem. But even before my loss I was way too cautious to try and attempt something as strenuous as a 5k. Now I find myself holding back the urge to tap pregnant women on the shoulder and ask if they should really be doing that. SMH. My loss has made me very sensitive. At least H will be there with you. It's awesome that you guys have an activity you can do together.

flutterfly88, new babies...... I usually freeze and do exactly as you did with the thoughts of "that should be me with my baby". It literally hurts. Congrats on burning the bench though! !! Wishing you lots of luck. Setting a date to finalize plans for the marker is a great idea. That way it doesn't get put off and it even takes some of the pressure away knowing it will be done soon. I'm sure it will be perfect.
I hadn't thought too much about our EDD until recently, so we haven't planned anything. I just found out yesterday that I work that day and I'm having mixed feelings about that.

[jenn83]

1- How are you feeling this week? Any new emotions? Any old ones resurfacing?
I have been having some hard days lately without any specific triggers. I am lucky that I have great co-workers and my own office that I can close myself up in and just have a nice good cry.

2- Do you have any upcoming milestones or plans?
For the 3rd year in a row, Team TRENT will be represented at the Dallas/Fort Worth CureSearch for Children's Cancer Walk. New T-shirts have been designed - which is always exciting to me. We had one walk while he was in treatment and the one last year. This year it is on April 25th at Texas Motor Speedway. I am so passionate about raising money for this grossly underfunded cause and for all of the children that are still fighting or have yet to be diagnosed.

3- What did you do with your angel's things? Were they returned, given away, packed away, left in the same place, or used as a "hand-me-down" for your rainbow?
We decided shortly after his services that we were going to move back to our hometown. I got a job that actually paid for our relocation including packing up our belongings. My husband went through things that could be donated (diapers, pediasure used in his NG tube, etc.) but everything else was put in boxes and are stacked in our 3rd bedroom. I can't bring myself to go through it yet. I will....but just not yet. I think we will keep a lot of things. I have told my husband that I will have to get new things for any new babies that we have because I just cant do it. Our friend is going to make a quilt out of his clothes when we do decide to go through his items.

[happyin14]

I am sorry I was a post and run this week. Once the benefit is behind me, I will be better!!!

I am reading and thinking of you all. What a good, tough question this week. For those who have things packed away, there may come a time when you love having everything. Sharing with a sibling who couldn't know their brother or sister feels special. And sometimes I just love to hug Jack's things. It makes him feel close.