If You're Not The Favorite Parent

[brynnlux]

How do you deal? 

I took DD all around town today, bought her treats and a new toy, let her watch Frozen during dinner, and ordered her favorite pizza today. We even looked online together at fun things to do this weekend and we put stuff on the Google calender. I was in a 'nice mommy' mood today. Everything was fine. I was looking forward to bedtime snuggles because my favorite time of day is reading to her at bedtime. I love it and sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through the day. 

But she slept late at naptime, and instead of being asleep when DH came home, she was in the bath. So on top of being like somebody hit her recharge button, she instantly hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. She hit me and kicked me and screamed until I left the room. DH just got done with a 12 hour hospital shift and he has zero willpower against her whining so she's STILL awake. He can barely keep his eyes open to read to her. 

This happens to us all the time when her schedule is off and it completely throws me. When it's just me and her, she's mostly pretty good. For him, she's not bad but she doesn't listen to him at all and it makes him nuts because he's not used to it (I think she treats him like she treats me but he doesn't know how to deal). When its both of us together, she is just plain awful to be around. She's never liked me as much as she likes him (even as a newborn! not even joking a little bit!) so it majorly sucks. 

I feel so bad for my mom now. I was this way with my dad and now I know how it feels. He's dead and I still like him better so I guess I need to get used to this. But what can I do? This is heart breaking for me! 

p.s. yes I do I sound like a selfish brat. I am happy that DD and DH have a good relationship but I am jealous! 

[masonjar]

"He's dead and I still like him better."

Is this for real?

[ashiscute]

My DD has always preferred me but DS prefers DH when we are both home. He'll go through phases of preferring me but it's usually DH. It doesn't really bother me because that means A)When DH is home I get a break and B)I know that he's a kid and he's not being hurtful he just wants to spend time with daddy. For instance yesterday I bought DS a new rubber duck, stickers, and an Easter basket and then we went to Chick-Fil-A and played. He had a great time. But when DH walked in the door he still wanted him. The rest of my answer is going to sound sort of harsh so I apologize.

You still have too high of expectations for your DD. She is not able to connect all of the fun things you do with her doing the day to her behavior towards you. That is just not something she is able to understand. To her you are just being a mom. When we do something special for our kids as a treat we make sure to say it's a special treat and it's because they have been behaving well but poor behavior can take that special treat away. We also encourage them to thank mommy and daddy for getting them X, taking them to X, whatever. However, I still don't expect them to treat ME nicer because of that. To their knowledge I am their mom and I am doing my job which is to revolve my whole life around them. That is age appropriate.

As far as the bedtime routine I do not allow that type of behavior to dictate what happens. If my DS asks nicely for daddy to help and DH is free then DH helps. If DS yells and screams and hits he does not get his way period. In that case I would say that is not an appropriate way to talk to me and that I will not respond to it. I ignore until he uses an appropriate voice. If he kicks or hits he goes straight to timeout. Then I would get his pjs on and put him in bed with no story. I would make sure he understands that because he is yelling, kicking that he doesn't get a story and that daddy is not putting him to bed. That is not how we get what we want. You and YH need to talk to get on the same page and deal with her behavior consistently. It honestly sounds from your posts that your DD is in charge but she is only 3 and should not have that power.

I think you really need to head to the library and pick up some books on toddler development to see where your DD is and what a 3 yo looks like. I also think I'd schedule an appt with the pediatrician to see what they had to say. Honestly, 3 is a tough age. But you are creating the problem by giving your DD too much control over you. I would never cry in front of my kids because they said something mean to me. If it upset me that badly I would wait till I was alone to show it but I really just don't take that stuff seriously.

[icequeen]

I think instead of focusing on who is the favorite parent, you and your husband should be working together to have a similar approach to discipline and organizing a daily routine for your daughter. While I realize you and he might do things a little bit differently and that's why she might like him more, or whatever, it would be beneficial for the both of you to at least be on the same page as far as sleep schedules, what she likes/doesn't like, mealtimes, etc. Just communicate so your daughter isn't always controlling you every time she is with you. I agree with what ashiscute said about taking her to the pediatrician and explaining your concerns to him about her behaviors, but also be honest about your behavior as well, because to be frank, I think you are more at fault here.

Finally, your last paragraph is seriously disturbing and tasteless. It really does not sit well with me, much like the rest of your post.

[Deleted]

To me- it sounds like you two have a discipline/affection problem and not a favorites problem. My impression is that you try and spoil her but you and your h are not on the same terms for acceptable behavior. So she will act fine as long as she gets the stuff and then reverts back when she knows she can get away with crap. It also (kind of) sounds like you're trying to buy her love.

Let's not go into the fact that YH lets her treat you like that. My H (his own faults aside) is the first to correct my son when he acts out on me like that (inappropriate play, anger, frustration, whatever the reason).

[KC thepouchh8r]

If my kid was kicking and screaming like that duing bedtime there is zero chance in hell my dh would be lying in he bed giving her what she wants. I would say you have a choice. Mommy can read your stories to you or you can go to bed with no books tonight. Letting her know she can get away with that kind of behavior is a terrible lesson. Also just because reading is good for kids doesn't mean that parents should stay up half asleep to read as long as she wants. Each kid picks three books, we read them and that's it.

[BostonKisses]

Feb 26, 2015 7:58:28 GMT -5 KC thepouchh8r said:

If my kid was kicking and screaming like that duing bedtime there is zero chance in hell my dh would be lying in he bed giving her what she wants. I would say you have a choice. Mommy can read your stories to you or you can go to bed with no books tonight. Letting her know she can get away with that kind of behavior is a terrible lesson. Also just because reading is good for kids doesn't mean that parents should stay up half asleep to read as long as she wants. Each kid picks three books, we read them and that's it.

Yep, that's the situation in my house as well.  My kid's pulled some shenanigans at bedtime in the past, and she's lost a lot of privileges as a result.  And yes, setting a limit on books is fine too.  OP, your H needs to get on the same page with you with limits and stick to them.  Hell, he needs to get on the same page as you with discipline period, as PPs already said.  Having major inconsistencies like this is only going to make it that much harder in the long run.

As for the whole "favorite parent" thing, it's natural for kids to favor 1 parent over the other, and even switch up who the "favorite" is at any given time.  Based off what you're posting, I'm going to guess that your H is the favorite because he lets your LO get away with whatever she wants and she knows it, so she's gravitating toward him instead of hanging around you if you're seen as the disciplinarian.

[redfraggle]

I agree your post suggests a discipline problem, not a favored parent. Every parent deals with discipline issues, children favoring one or the other parent, kids throwing big tantrums. But you state that the tantrums are especially bad when the routine is off (this is normal because kids thrive on routine) and that your LO behaves worst when she has both of you present to play against each other. The special day sounds very nice; I'm sure my kids would have enjoyed the treats, too. But please keep in mind that you made the choice to change the routine, so you need to also take the responsibility for accepting your child for who she is and guiding her through reasonable means of handling the off-routine. (Rhetorical questions for you: Was it necessary to extend her afternoon nap? Could you have given her the choice between you reading one story or her going to sleep without any story? Could you have texted your H that your LO was still in the tub and needed an extra 15 minutes before he walked in the door? These are a few of the choices you made, and a different choice on any of them could have changed the outcome of your day.)

My best advice is to find a book on discipline that you can follow-through on. (You might want to check out a few from your library to skim and decide on one that best suits your parenting style and child's personality; there are dozens if not hundreds of options. Some I've either used or had recommended to me include: "1-2-3 Magic", "Happiest Toddler On the Block", "Love and Logic", and "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" if you are looking for a few to start with.) Have your H read it as well, and get on the same page about discipline. If you disagree, do so behind closed doors and when you are both up for a discussion; in front of the kid, you should always appear on the same side. Do not start and stop methods of discipline frequently, as this will exacerbate any issues you are having; choose a method and follow-through. You can change later if it stops working.

Good luck!