Adopting Sibling Groups - What do you know?

[persianmaman]

The longer we go through this process, the more and more I really want to adopt a sibling group. DH is on the fence about this and there is no way we'll move forward with the idea unless we're both comfortable that we can go from no kids to 2 kids. (He has little experience with child, and worries the adjustment would be too big) I do not want to pressure him either, but I would love some information about adopting siblings groups if any of you guys have good resources? I've done some searching and have so far come up with pros/cons:

PRO

• Biological connection with someone in the family.
• Someone who looks like them (same ethnicity).
• Huge needs for sibling adoption.
• Financially, adopting two doesn't increase the cost of paperwork, just travel, which gives us more money in the long run to support our family (we're planning on adopting two, no bio kids).

CON

• Delayed attachment, as they are more likely to seek comfort from each other. Faster attaching sibling usually slows to the pace of the more shy kiddo.
• Sibling trauma - when kids have experience trauma together, sometimes being with one another can exerbate memories/experiences.
• Adoptive kids needs more individual attention from parents that we could give one kid vs. two kids.

Ideas? Thoughts? DH wants to adopt from China for our second adoption, but I really think it might be more important to at least adopt from Africa (if not South Africa itself) again so both children can connect over their ethnic background and look like one another.

[grannypantiesrock]

I don't have any knowledge to share, just opinion. I don't think there's a simple answer to your question, but if you're going to weigh "goodness" vs difficulty, I'd say go for the sibling group. I'd imagine that that being adopted with a sibling into the same family would be a drastic improvement in circumstance for almost any kid without a home. It may be more difficult for you and your husband, but if you're thinking about the greater good, I think it would be a fantastic thing for you to do if you guys can handle it.

[jenn]

Ditto grannypantiesrock - I don't have any experience but as long as your husband is open to it, I would say go for a sibling group.

We're open to twins for the same kind of reasons you're pro sibling group!

Good Luck!

[pandd]

I don't have specific thoughts on this, but wanted to suggest the book "No Biking in the House Without a Helmet". It will get you really excited about international adoption, and she adopted a sibling set. She is actually a writer, which is evident in the book.

[jwinct]

persianmaman, If your husband is willing to adopt a sibling group, I would definitely go for it. I know this is a different situation, but with DCF, they are desperate for people willing to foster and adopt sibling groups because the majority of people only want a single child, especially infants, so it's much harder for them to find families for the older kids, and especially sibling groups. I can't imagine it's much different for international adoption.

At last week's adoption presentation, a mom came in to speak about her experience adopting 2 and 4 year old brothers (through DCF). She and her husband didn't have any other kids, so she said it was challenging because parenting was completely new to them, and now that had these two kids who had been through the traumas of their biological home, plus a foster home, before being placed in her home for adoption. She said the first 9 months were not easy, especially with the 4 year old, but they stuck it out and remained consistent and it ended up being a million times worth the challenge. She said they are such wonderful kids and they know they were meant to be those boys' parents and wouldn't have it any other way.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Be true to your hearts.

[redandblue]

I agree with PP. I don't have experience yet, but you will want to be true to your hearts. I am adopting locally, so I have very little knowledge of international adoption, but I heard that adopting from China is becoming increasingly difficult with most agencies no longer able to take new referrals and those who have been accepted are waiting for matches upwards to 6-7 years. But like I said I did not do too much research with that. Perhaps YH wants to explore as well as your well considered pros and cons list. Just my opinion.

[persianmaman]

jwinct, thanks for the shared story from your presentation, that helps a lot.

I know a lot of my own stories about successfuly/not-as-successful sibling adoptions, but DH and I did just sit down and talk about it over dinner. He is actually seriously considering it (big surprise to me, I thought he'd get really worried all over again). He wants to get answers to these questions though:

What sort of impact would there be if we had an African adoptee and an Asian adoptee vs. adopting both (together or separately) from South Africa?

With two kids, it is super important that there be a full-time homemaker available, even if only for a year? If we both plan on working, is it even more detrimental with two? (Our regional families really need two incomes.)

[roxy]

I'm sorry that I don't have anything to contribute. I think it's uh-mazing that you are able to take in a sibling group. We are so not ready for more than one yet. Thankfully neither is our home, otherwise I might try to talk the H into more than one.

[girliegus]

I'm kind of late to the party and I don't have much to add, but I wanted to tell you I think you and your H are approaching this in a very smart way. Although I'm not doing international adoption, many of the pros and cons you listed are things we have had to consider with our own plans for adopting a sibling group.

In my super noob opinion, the questions you intend to ask seem like good ones. There is no doubt that adopting a sibling group would be more challenging in some ways than just adopting one child, but I think if it's on your heart then you owe it to yourself to fully explore that option.

[irismorning]

I adopted a sibling "group", two biological brothers. I was concerned about the same issues that OP described. However, I never had any trouble bonding, etc. (Perhaps because the baby was 1 when they came into my home permanently). It has been a wonderful experience! I am a single mother so going from no kids to two kids was a little adjustment, but well worth it!

[persianmaman]

We definitely have the room - we have two extra bedrooms in our townhouse, now that we've moved the office to the basement. I think we could adjust to being a bigger family all of a sudden - I am also glad that DH brought up whether or not someone needs to stay at home - with two kids, we definitely needs two incomes. We could probably get by on me being part-time for awhile, maybe, but full-time would be better.

irismorning, can I ask how you dealt with having two boys all of a sudden? I think that's wonderful! Did you have family nearby to help (none of that where we are) or did you take a lot of time off, like, past the FMLA time period?

[perumom]

Actually when we discussed things with our psychologist and the psychiatrist they both thought it would be more pros than cons for the reasons you stated and they also thought regarding the attention, that siblings will always require attention together as they will not likely want to leave the other too far behind in the early stages. We are struggling with the same exact issue at this very moment. We are adopting from Peru and we have already decided (on paper) we would do a sibling group however my husband and I both answered differently when the question was 2 or more? What?? We had just agreed on one thing now there is more to this? But yes I guess siblings can be 2 or MORE Well I guess its back to the drawing board for us. Yikes!!

[irismorning]

Feb 26, 2015 13:52:16 GMT -5 persianmaman said:

We definitely have the room - we have two extra bedrooms in our townhouse, now that we've moved the office to the basement. I think we could adjust to being a bigger family all of a sudden - I am also glad that DH brought up whether or not someone needs to stay at home - with two kids, we definitely needs two incomes. We could probably get by on me being part-time for awhile, maybe, but full-time would be better.

irismorning, can I ask how you dealt with having two boys all of a sudden? I think that's wonderful! Did you have family nearby to help (none of that where we are) or did you take a lot of time off, like, past the FMLA time period?

Honestly, I do not think that I took off as much time as I should have. It is a really long and complicated story (feel free to PM me if you can do that on this board...), but I basically got a call (I was not looking to adopt at the time) and was on a plane less than a week later. Knowing what I know now, I would have taken off 6 weeks. But as a single income household, that was just not possible at that time. My family all lives in other states (the closest is 12 hours away), but I did have a good network of friends. It was an adjustment, but we worked it out.

I would say to let others help you if they are willing (not taking care of the children at first) but in other ways (cleaning, meals, etc.). Before I made my final decision to get on the plane, I had several people ask me if I was sure, did I really want to do this, did I know what I was getting into, etc. As a result, I think that I wanted to prove that I could do it on my own, so I did not accept any help when it was offered. In some ways this was good, because the boys and I bonded well and quickly; but the beginning could have been easier. You will get into a rhythm and at some point (sooner for some than others) it will seems as though they have always been there   

[persianmaman]

irismorning, messaged you, thanks!

[sahara78]

Feb 25, 2015 16:33:50 GMT -5 redandblue said:

I am adopting locally, so I have very little knowledge of international adoption, but I heard that adopting from China is becoming increasingly difficult with most agencies no longer able to take new referrals and those who have been accepted are waiting for matches upwards to 6-7 years.

This is true for the non-special needs program in China.  They actually just matched more people that registered with the Chinese government back in late Dec 2006. I would seriously side eye any agency that accepted new applicants for NSN China.  But, the process is fairly straightforward & swift (for international adoption  ) within the special needs program. It is a program that DH & I have been considering.