The married single mom

[mrsdee1982]

My husband is a restaurant manager, so his hours are opposite of mine.  I work M-F 6:30-3:00, he works nights and weekends for the most part.  And he works a ton of hours.

Back in September, he took a new job because at his old job, he was working between 80-90 hours per week, plus an hour commute both ways.  It was just insane.  His new job seemed very promising.  Less hours (a 50 hour a week contract - 5 10 hour days per week), with mostly opening shifts, so he'd be home most nights.

Well, it hasn't really worked out that way.  He opens most of his shifts, but he ends up having to stay until 10 or 11 at night.  Like yesterday for example, he got to work at 9:00 am.  He did not get home from work until 11 pm.  I was fast asleep by then.  This is a pretty normal occurrence now.  We do not see each other 5 days out of the week.  

Tomorrow (Saturday), he was supposed to go into work at noon, which means he won't be home from work until probably midnight or later.  Well, at least we would have to morning with each other.  

Nope.  Now he has to go into work for a meeting 2 hours before his shift starts.  So that means he will leave the house at 9:30 am and not be home until after midnight (at best).  

I just don't see this changing anytime soon, and definitely not by the time little girl makes her arrival.  So that means, at least 5 days out of the week, I am going to be the married single mom.  It's going to be just me there to do all of the parenting, 5 nights out of the week.  

Is anybody else in the same boat as me?  How do you, or how do you think, you are going to handle this?  

[andreap525]

We have a similar situation going on. I leave the house at 6:30 am, get home about 6:15pm. Husband is just coming downstairs, so I help him get ready for work, then he leaves the house about 6:45pm. By the time he comes home in the morning, I'm long gone and sitting at my desk at work.

It's hell. A half hour a day does not a happy relationship make. We've learned to really take advantage of our short weekends together because of it, and we generally enjoy the hell out of each other's company when we get it. When I'm off on ML, DH will be sleeping all day. Granted, we'll get a little extra time together, like when he gets home in the morning. When I go back to work, I am terrified he won't get any time with our baby, either. Me, I don't care about. But I want nothing more than for him to be able to watch his daughter grow up. It's going to suck so hard.

I have no advice. I hope things desperately change with your husband's work schedule. Mine is going to jump on a day shift his first available chance, but it might not happen at all, let alone before the baby gets here.

[mrsdee1982]

That's exactly it. I don't want him to be a part time dad, and I know that's not what he wants either. But, with him leaving the house at 9 am, and not getting home until well after baby and I have gone to bed, I don't see it going any other way.

Also, we don't get weekends together. He works Saturday and Sunday. His days off are usually Tuesday and Wednesday. So we get the 5-6 hours between when I get home and when I need to go to bed on those 2 days together. That's it.

I don't want to only be together as a family 10 hours a week.

[jcprn]

I'm so sorry to hear this. It sucks to feel like he won't be there to help out. Does he like this new job? Or is he as frustrated with the hours as you are? Does he help out now around the house?

I feel like it's going to be somewhat similar for me too as far as the 2 of us not being in the same place at the same time. I am going to be working day shift 7am-330pm 4 days a week so that we can rely on my mom mostly for childcare (but not really until 330, probably 4 or 430 more likely). DH works evenings 4pm-12am 4-5 days a week. He'll drop Baby off at my parent's house at 3ish and I'll pick Baby up around 430-5.

We've been recently talking about it and it makes the most sense for me to schedule myself to work every day that he's off so he can watch the baby on those days and then my mom will hopefully only have to watch the baby 2-3 days a week for just a couple hours (she still works a few days a week herself on top of watching my nephew for 2 full days a week). I know that me switching to day shift from evenings is necessary and will work out for baby but it sucks because I know I won't have DH around nearly as often. I'll probably only see him/get his help on half days a couple days a week.

I do everything around the house so I don't see that changing. I'm lucky that he wants to be so involved and is really looking forward to taking care of the baby for full days on his own. We know it's probably best for my mom and baby for it to be this way so we'll deal with it. I'm hoping my position switches to 3 12 hour shifts instead of 4 8 hour shifts so that I'm only working/have to schedule myself 3 days but that's only a possibility at this point. All I know is it's going to be interesting how this whole thing plays out.

[nicolec78]

I'm in the same boat. My DH works two jobs during the week. He use to also work Saturdays but thankfully was able to change that. It has helped tremendously having two days together as a family. Now if he has a seminar or other work related event we don't even have time together on the weekends.

How we made it work is that I pumped and he would happily get up for late night feedings even if only got a couple hours sleep. We also this year instead of having dd in after school care until I get off work she rides the bus home and they get a few daddy daughter hours together. He helps her do her homework and fills out any papers for school etc. He leaves for karate as I get home and is not home until 11pm. We both leave the house at 7 am.

He is a school teacher during the day so he has summers off but still teaches karate at nights. I might not see him during the summer but the kids do. I have told him I feel like a single parent and he tries to do what he can.

[ombradellarosa]

I understand that it's incredibly frustrating and hard on your relationship not to see your SO except for a few hours a week. My parents had to do that when I was little. I always appreciated that they did what they could so that we would always be with a parent. While I can see how this would be challenging, I think the wording of "married single mom" is a little insensitive. Single parents don't just not see their spouse--they don't have one. The burden of breadwinner, parent, and housekeeper is all on them alone. I'm not trying to minimise what you're going through at all. I just think that the challenges are different and it's not really a fair comparison.

[seannemairi]

In this scenario, I am your husband. I'm a flight attendant so when I return to work (3 months after the birth of our daughter) I will be gone 4 days a week leaving him to be a single dad. Unfortunately, aside from the fact that I love my job, my insurance is phenomenal and the insurance his work offers sucks so I will go back to work for sure. But it's going to be hard and I totally understand where you're head is at. I'm not excited about leaving her and I haven't even had her yet.

[mrsdee1982]

I'm starting to feel a bit better about this. My mom reminded me that it was like this with her and my dad for most of my childhood. And now, at 32, I don't remember my dad not being there, because somehow, he always made time for my siblings and I and was always at our important functions. While it's not ideal, there's no other way around it and I am sure DH and I will make it work just fine.

[leenziepops]

My DH decided to start doing an MBA this year. Two classes per night so home 10pm those nights. We both work same 8-4. Then other two nights he studies and Saturday mornings he has group meetings. Not as bad as your situation but the cut in family time has me concerned for when LO arrives.

[bendherova]

Yes, I'm in a similar situation as DH works between 80-100 unpredictable hours per week. plus all of the studying/prep work he does at home. DS1 is now four, and H's career (surgery) will never be a 9-5 job.


I'm with ombradellarosa, though. It's a bit insensitive to the single parents out there to consider yourself just like them. You have a partner who is providing financial and emotional support (albeit not as in person as you'd like) and a single parent does not.

[nicolec78]

I should add that I was a single parent for 7 years and my DS's biofather was not involved at all. I have been coparenting with my DH for 13 years . It's hard being by yourself at times but it is totally different when you are completely alone.