I am so confused and frustrated

[lbey]

Sorry guys, but it has been awhile I don’t post… Here is my update!

We had our first home study appointment! There were two social workers, one that represents us and another that represents the kids. They seemed very nice at first and then I guess they turned on their SW mode…

In one house of conversation, our SW determined that DH and I need marriage counseling. Why?

Well, just a little background, in the past, we had some trust issue. When we decided to go for adoption, we thought it was better to have counseling so we could start the process as strong as possible. It was very helpful for us and we felt like we were in a great place again after the sessions were over.

Now, going back to present, we took the Enrichment test as the agency requires and we scored really high on compatibility and satisfaction.

Our SW conclusion: We are in denial of our problems and we never solved our issue with the previous counseling. There is no way we are so happy with each other and we have a real big problem. We must do marriage counseling again and this time with a different person because the one we did was not good. H and I looked at each other very confused but we agreed to do the counseling, after all, she is the one who decides if we can have kids.

I got home, called my insurance. They don’t cover Marriage counseling (I have a new insurance). I wrote the SW back saying that and asked her if she can recommend someone because we will have to go private, which is okay as we don’t mind paying for it (anything for our kids).

SW writes back saying we are seeing it wrong and we must look into it more because she feels our insurance is wrong. She also said I cant take the sessions by myself, it has to be as a couple (wait, what???).

Please somebody tell me; Is this normal? Is this a test to see how serious we want It or how strong we are?

[spooko]

That seems really strange. Really strange. I don't think that kind of thing would be some test. Can you take it further up the chain at your agency?

[theatrepal]

I agree with spooko . Ask some more questions. That all seems fishy.

[grannypantiesrock]

That's dumb. How can they determine that based on some test??

[lbey]

I know! I thought it was strange and my H and I are very confused. I mean, I will go to a therapist and say what? " Ahm, my SW thinks we need marriage counseling because we are too positive and in denial of the truth?" I dont even know what to say!
I took that test result and looked all over. We thought about what we said, we thought what the problem could be, and we still cant understand where she is coming from.
I am afraid of questioning her too much and going against her and then she can tell us we cant adopt or make the process much longer. She really has us on her hands...
Maybe we should start saying some negative things about each other? I just wish someone would help me understand where she is coming from because I have no clue why she feels we dont have a good relationship.

[roxy]

This is actually a pretty standard test used by therapists. We had to do the Enrichment assessment as well. I spoke to my BIL, a therapist, before the test and it is possible for someone that isn't trained properly to misinterpret the results. I was recommended to seek out individual counseling for some issues in my past. The kiddos that end up in foster care are tough. They can end up triggering their parents own past traumas.

I know it sucks and I'm sorry.

[wishuponastar]

I dont have any experience with this, but just wanted to say sorry that you have to deal with this.

[persianmaman]

Ditto on what wishuponastar said - so sorry you are going through this.

[gnomesweetgnome]

We never had to take any enrichment assessment. I'd be very wary of a SW being so suspicious and weird about your results, to be honest.

[jwinct]

That is so fishy. I would be running for the hills after this, and finding a new agency, honestly. I have no experience with adoption agencies, but from everyone else saying they didn't have to do such a test and just the situation being weird as hell, I would be very wary of them.

Good luck.

[pandd]

I would be pretty pissed off. Do you have money already put into that agency or could you switch without consequence?

[perumom]

We had to take a similar test in conjunction with a psychological and psychiatric evaluation but the ONLY one that can really interpret those tests is a licensed clinical psych or some mental health professional (this is what our psych said), so how can she make such a determination when it isn't her field? DO they consult someone? That sounds sooo weird to me. I know you don't want to rock the boat with them but I would ask about that, especially if its going to come out of pocket
I'm sorry you have to go through that and Good Luck!!

[roxy]

lbey and I are using the same agency and adopting from the same program. Our state reimburses the agency for the cost of the home study so the only costs that we incur is for the fingerprinting and Adam Walsh background check.

I know it's an UO, but I don't think it is unreasonable for an agency to request outside counsel if they see areas that need work. Parenting isn't an easy job to begin with and can put the best marriages to the test. The kids that we are looking to adopt are tough kids. Many will attempt to pit each AP against each other (not a belief; actually a recurring theme in many of the additional non-agency required classes I've taken).

With that being said, I don't have any idea who on their staff evaluates the results of the test or if they are qualified.

[spooko]

I don't think it's a UO to say they should be monitoring for problems and suggesting more work as the agencies see fit. I do take issue with someone that's unqualified deciding that a couple gets along TOO well and proclaiming urgent therapy is needed.

All I'm saying is that something doesn't add up. Either the SW was way off base or OP misinterpreted something or we aren't getting the whole picture in some way. But just based on what's presented here, no that's not some kind of test to see how badly they want it.

[lbey]

So sorry for taking this long to reply. DH and I have been working doble shifts so we can save money to buy our home before the kids arrive... I actually talked to my therapist, the one we went before, to get her opinion since she knows us and what we can do. She found very strange the way the test was interpreted. SW called the therapist too and even though Therapist gave her all info, she still feels like we never worked our issues and we are in denial. Therapist recommended us to go to another marriage counseling if that makes the SW happy because we need her to approve us and therapy is never bad for you.

I agree that agencies can suggest extra work to do as they see to fit, but what bothered me was how she judged us from the first hour she met us. No couple is perfect and I dont think she should expect that, but H and I love each other very much and we really want to be parents. We really want this. I am not convincing him and he is not convincing me. We BOTH want it the same way!
H talked to a coworker who adopted from the same agency and he suggested we request another SW, but I am not sure how it would help... I am inclined to try her one more meeting and try to show her how much we want this adoption to work.

Anyway, next meeting is on the 13th. We will see what happens