Family Pressure?

[snapginger]

Hello All!

I'm curious what sorts of familial pressure the rest of you experience.   My MIL and FIL currently live in different states for their jobs, but are still happily married.  The last time I saw them I asked MIL if she was considering moving back to the same state as FIL, where their house is, anytime soon.  She responded that she would as soon as I got preg.  PRESSURE.  I am also just constantly asked by family members.  Anytime I mention not feeling well it is immediately responded to with "OH MY GOD YOU'RE PREG".  To funny!  I definitely feel and appreciate the love and don't take any of it too seriously.  I pretty much just find it entertaining.

How about the rest of you?

[Deleted]

DH's extended family (cousins) ask me fairly often when we're going to have a baby. A lot of them got pregnant first, married second, so they seem to think that since we've been married for 2.5 years now we should have a baby. I'd be more put off if we were actually trying and it was taking a while; as it is I've learned to just roll with it for now.

On my side of the family, the only person who is vocal is my aunt who does NOT want us to have kids yet! It's her opinion that we "need" another two years to ourselves before kids.

With either set of pressure, I just remind myself that ultimately our timing is none of their business. I know every one of these family members I've mentioned loves us very very much, and will be thrilled for us when I do get pregnant. Whenever that is. And when we do decide to TTC, it will be because the timing is right for DH and me.

[sko14]

snapginger, I've gotten major pressure from my MIL; her making baby blankets with no babies on the horizon in the family, telling me about all of H's childhood friends who are now with baby and how he must feel left out..

all the while we are TTC but none of our family knows to try and reduce the pressure on ourselves.

I got the same comments before we were married, too .. I don't think its malicious but its definitely exhausting to dodge the little digs!! I feel you!

[Deleted]

Mar 4, 2015 20:55:59 GMT -5 snapginger said:

Hello All!

I'm curious what sorts of familial pressure the rest of you experience.   My MIL and FIL currently live in different states for their jobs, but are still happily married.  The last time I saw them I asked MIL if she was considering moving back to the same state as FIL, where their house is, anytime soon.  She responded that she would as soon as I got preg.  PRESSURE.  I am also just constantly asked by family members.  Anytime I mention not feeling well it is immediately responded to with "OH MY GOD YOU'RE PREG".  To funny!  I definitely feel and appreciate the love and don't take any of it too seriously.  I pretty much just find it entertaining.

How about the rest of you?

I'm actually feeling the pressure to NOT get pregnant. My husband and I already have twin boys who are 2.5, and I really want to try one more time. A lot of people say "you already have two, why would you have any more?!". My husband also just lost his job, so I have everyone telling us to hold off on trying. It's frustrating when everyone else thinks they know what is best for you.

[lilrubberduckie]

I am definitely feeling the pressure too. My mom plays it cool like she is okay with grandkids whenever but a few of her comments show she is super stoked. And my in laws think we need to wait a few years. They waited 3 years after they got married. But only knew each other for a year before getting married. We knew each other for 6 years before married. And dated/engaged for 3 of those 6 years. So we are coming up on 2 years married and 5 years together. But they still think we should have more time to "get to know each other" and learn to live together.
Its funny bc at our wedding my moms speech was like "you are never Ready for kids. Have them when you want" and MIL speech was "wait at least 3 years so you have time together "

Weird thing is MIL pressures dh's little brother about having kids. I think its because i am 10 younger then dh and BIL's gf is 10 older then him... it isnt fun either way i am sure. But i worry if we get pregnant before in laws think we should they wont be happy for us.

Sorry long rant.

[Deleted]

lilrubberduckie, I understand worrying about people not being happy if you get pregnant earlier than they think you should. My aunt thinks we should wait another 3 years, when I turn 30. She can be very vocal about it too. She actually sent me a text the other day saying "Be careful! Studies show women whose friends are having babies are more likely to get pregnant". Umm, wtf? I do worry a little that she will be vocally displeased when we get pregnant ahead of her schedule, and since we're very close it will hurt if she is. But DH and I remind each other that ultimately the only people we really need to satisfy are the two of us -- not our parents, aunts, cousins, friends.

[Deleted]

We don't have any pressure yet. It's the opposite, my mother said she wants to be 50 before she's a grandmother and her mother said she wanted to be 70. Basically, that's only one-two years. I think this was because they were afraid my younger sister (who got married fairly young) would have kids right away.
FI's got two married older brothers who don't have children. Last year, the oldest got the "give me grandchildren" speech at his wedding. He's got 9 years on us, so I think we're safe.

[cheshie6]

It goes through phases, like my mom is totally fine with just my dogs and then asks if I'm pregnant whenever I'm sick. My sister is very big on being an aunt (she's a mom of 2) and I'm not on speaking terms with my ILs so they aren't asking. I would say the circle of friends I was around in Seattle gave off the most pressure as they were all ready for babies at the same time. 5 years later and 15 babies later (out of 8 couples), 2 of us are still childless. You can only go to so many baby showers before you feel like you're the odd one out.

[Deleted]

My grandmother and cousins on my dad's side always ask us. I always respond with "Not for a while" because it is none of their business! My mom has been very clear she thinks we are too young...I'm 24 and DH is 27, which is hardly that young! I'm sure my ILs would like us to wait too, because they had DH as soon as they were married. I'm worried that our families won't be accepting right away if I do ever get pregnant.

[Deleted]

alwayscheese, I've been told I look good holding a baby too. It's such a weird thing to say, I don't really know how to respond to that one!

[Deleted]

Apr 7, 2015 14:44:30 GMT -5 alwayscheese said:

Apr 7, 2015 10:59:30 GMT -5 @bonzo2012 said:

alwayscheese, I've been told I look good holding a baby too. It's such a weird thing to say, I don't really know how to respond to that one!

Ya. So am I supposed to acknowledge that it basically translates to "you should get your own" or when are you getting your own" and answer accordingly?

I don't. If someone wants to be coy and probe without actually saying something, I'm not answering the question that is none of their business in the first place. I think the couple times it's been said to me, it was while holding a niece, so my response is "yeah, I love being an aunt!"

[ladyvenice]

DH and I eloped at two weeks notice and literally everyone assumed it was because I was pregnant. That was two years ago, and we haven't even started TTC yet. For the first year after we married, my ILs used to ask me every other day if I was pregnant, and it was the most annoying thing. After the first year of constantly being told "no" they seemed to collectively assume we are struggling with IF and haven't mentioned it since really, which is such a relief.

[ladyvenice]

Apr 7, 2015 10:59:30 GMT -5 @bonzo2012 said:

alwayscheese, I've been told I look good holding a baby too. It's such a weird thing to say, I don't really know how to respond to that one!

I've been told that all the time since DH's nephew was born a few months after he and I started dating when I was 18. I thought it was really obscure for people to be implying that we should have a baby that young, but I've long since discovered that all of his family started their families between 18 and 22, so they thought DH needed hurrying up (he was 25).

[Deleted]

May 6, 2015 4:26:33 GMT -5 ladyvenice said:

DH and I eloped at two weeks notice and literally everyone assumed it was because I was pregnant. That was two years ago, and we haven't even started TTC yet. For the first year after we married, my ILs used to ask me every other day if I was pregnant, and it was the most annoying thing. After the first year of constantly being told "no" they seemed to collectively assume we are struggling with IF and haven't mentioned it since really, which is such a relief.

That must have been so frustrating! I'm glad for you that they finally backed off!

[ladyvenice]

May 6, 2015 11:30:33 GMT -5 @bonzo2012 said:

May 6, 2015 4:26:33 GMT -5 ladyvenice said:

DH and I eloped at two weeks notice and literally everyone assumed it was because I was pregnant. That was two years ago, and we haven't even started TTC yet. For the first year after we married, my ILs used to ask me every other day if I was pregnant, and it was the most annoying thing. After the first year of constantly being told "no" they seemed to collectively assume we are struggling with IF and haven't mentioned it since really, which is such a relief.

That must have been so frustrating! I'm glad for you that they finally backed off!

I'd kind of gotten used to it by then, to be honest. We were together for 7 years before we got married and starting a year after we started dating we used to get asked when we were getting married at least a couple of times a month. Again, they seemed to settle down after a couple of years, but they are honestly one of the most pushy families I've met. 

[jewel441]

My parents don't really pressure me, but I think they want me to wait. My mom constantly says things about how I will probably gain SOOOOO much weight while when I am pregnant, so more she just uses it to pressure me to lose weight now (for the record, I am not overweight, I am not thin, but I am a healthy weight, right at the top of my weight range). I wouldn't minds losing a few pounds, but it's not my top priority right now, my mom is a stick. 

DH's family asks a lot, but it feels more good natured than pressure-y for now. My SIL is preg now. My friend's I feel like are the worst, I know they mean well, but they ask all the time, and any time I go anywhere they are like here do you want this drink, are you not drinking, etc. They know I want kids, but DH is in grad school, so we are trying to time it with that. I feel like I put pressure on myself too. 

[jewel441]

May 6, 2015 16:17:50 GMT -5 alwayscheese said:

May 6, 2015 11:45:13 GMT -5 jewel441 said:

My parents don't really pressure me, but I think they want me to wait. My mom constantly says things about how I will probably gain SOOOOO much weight while when I am pregnant, so more she just uses it to pressure me to lose weight now (for the record, I am not overweight, I am not thin, but I am a healthy weight, right at the top of my weight range). I wouldn't minds losing a few pounds, but it's not my top priority right now, my mom is a stick. 

DH's family asks a lot, but it feels more good natured than pressure-y for now. My SIL is preg now. My friend's I feel like are the worst, I know they mean well, but they ask all the time, and any time I go anywhere they are like here do you want this drink, are you not drinking, etc. They know I want kids, but DH is in grad school, so we are trying to time it with that. I feel like I put pressure on myself too. 

Oh try not to put pressure on yourself! Try and relax till it feels like the right time. I get that it's hard though; DH was saying the other day how it bugs him that he will be 30 before we have kids because he doesn't want to be an old dad he wants to be young and fun and play with his kids. and it gets harder and harder for me to not see other people's babies and long so badly to have my own. Today at work several times there were babies and kids that set me off yearning for the new baby to be mine this time!

Thanks! And I definitely try. My DH is totally mellow about it, but I am like your DH, on top and even though I am only 28 my dad is 70, and I want him to be able to have a genuine relationship with his grand kids. But, I did listen to reason (mostly) and we are in a much better place now to try.