Controlling Parents (i.e. future Grandparents)

[blanche]

Is anyone else's parents overly obsessed with your choices and such while pregnant? I need to tell my parents to butt out, but they keep interjecting when I tell them that I want to chose a hospital and provider who do not have high C-section rates and which promote natural birth. I'm going to a midwife (unless they tell me the Hashis precludes me) and that's a decision I've made with my husband, but my parents are going to have a conniption when I tell them that. I will still do L&D at a hospital, but to me it helps minimize being pushed into things I don't need.

Anyways, I just need to stand up to my mother and tell her to butt out, but that is really hard!!

Also, did anyone else see this article about how interventions during L&D may be leading to negative mother and baby outcomes: www.psmag.com/health-and-behavior/our-c-section-rate-wont-budge-is-it-because-we-dont-trust-womens-hormones

[themrsjrd]

My parents and in laws don't know yet. When they do, if they offer unwanted opinions I probably will have no problem telling them to butt out lol.

This is why I like to keep most decisions to myself when possible. I don't really care what other people think about my decisions as far as hospital, birthing technique, breastfeeding decisions, etc. Oh, and especially names. I told my husband that I do not want to tell ANYONE any names we have picked until the baby is born.

[lycih]

My ILs were far more opinionated than my own parents with DD, but I feel ya.

Also, FWIW, my sister and mother both had emergency c-sections after "failure to progress" so I went with a midwife practice that's in conjunction with a regular OB practice for my daughter's delivery. If I had gone the traditional route, I would've been a c-section for sure. But I labored at home for a really long time (I went in to be checked a couple times, but my cervix was stubborn) and ended up with a vaginal delivery after 67 hours of labor. If I'd been on the "standard" track I would've been admitted at like 4cm or something and then ended up a section. Instead I was admitted after my water had broken, at which point I was 6.5cm. But that was literally over two days after labor started.

To clarify, I think c-section mamas are INCREDIBLE and I cannot imagine how scary that surgery must be... This is in no way a "down on c-section mamas" post.

[blanche]

Mar 5, 2015 12:54:29 GMT -5 lycih said:

My ILs were far more opinionated than my own parents with DD, but I feel ya.

Also, FWIW, my sister and mother both had emergency c-sections after "failure to progress" so I went with a midwife practice that's in conjunction with a regular OB practice for my daughter's delivery. If I had gone the traditional route, I would've been a c-section for sure. But I labored at home for a really long time (I went in to be checked a couple times, but my cervix was stubborn) and ended up with a vaginal delivery after 67 hours of labor. If I'd been on the "standard" track I would've been admitted at like 4cm or something and then ended up a section. Instead I was admitted after my water had broken, at which point I was 6.5cm. But that was literally over two days after labor started.

To clarify, I think c-section mamas are INCREDIBLE and I cannot imagine how scary that surgery must be... This is in no way a "down on c-section mamas" post.

Yes, I should add -- C-sections are great things and help save lives. My sister-in-law had to have one because of a seizure disorder. My parents keep pushing me to see her OB, but I'm in a very different situation, where unless I do not a priori need one, and am not interested in getting one if I don't really need it (I'm open to it if I do, of course!). No intention to be down on c-section moms...

[lycih]

Mar 5, 2015 13:01:43 GMT -5 blanche said:

Mar 5, 2015 12:54:29 GMT -5 lycih said:

My ILs were far more opinionated than my own parents with DD, but I feel ya.

Also, FWIW, my sister and mother both had emergency c-sections after "failure to progress" so I went with a midwife practice that's in conjunction with a regular OB practice for my daughter's delivery. If I had gone the traditional route, I would've been a c-section for sure. But I labored at home for a really long time (I went in to be checked a couple times, but my cervix was stubborn) and ended up with a vaginal delivery after 67 hours of labor. If I'd been on the "standard" track I would've been admitted at like 4cm or something and then ended up a section. Instead I was admitted after my water had broken, at which point I was 6.5cm. But that was literally over two days after labor started.

To clarify, I think c-section mamas are INCREDIBLE and I cannot imagine how scary that surgery must be... This is in no way a "down on c-section mamas" post.

Yes, I should add -- C-sections are great things and help save lives. My sister-in-law had to have one because of a seizure disorder. My parents keep pushing me to see her OB, but I'm in a very different situation, where unless I do not a priori need one, and am not interested in getting one if I don't really need it (I'm open to it if I do, of course!). No intention to be down on c-section moms...

Oh, I didn't think you were.  I just know, having told my birth story before, that some people assume the only reason I would labor for 67 hours is because I thought there was something "wrong" with being a c-section mama.  And that's not at all what I think.  

[USCgirl]

I am pretty lucky that my ILs and folks don't say a whole heck of a lot. If they did and I didn't like it, I too would have no problema speaking up and nipping it in the bud. Good luck to any of you with mouthy family. Just stand your ground because it's your baby and body, period.

[whatsit]

We haven't told anyone yet, and a big reason is because MIL and SIL wouldn't be able to keep their mouths shut about it. Everyone they know would hear about it quickly even if we asked them not to tell. Also MIL is a nurse, and I would/will probably be told what to do. H and I have already decided no one is going to be "staying with us to help" afterwards because we do not want that.
MILis the type of person who once she found out H was looking for a job, would look online and send him links to jobs. Um no thanks. He's a grown ass man and can figure things out on his own.

Rant over.

[onyx]

My in laws are that way. They did it with my DS, but it definitely made me grow a backbone. They wanted to tell us what we should and shouldn't do and it stressed me out. I finally said enough is enough. It is definitely hard though. We haven't told my MIL yet because she doesn't even want us having more kids so we don't want to deal with that right now.

[onyx]

Mar 5, 2015 13:16:36 GMT -5 whatsit said:

We haven't told anyone yet, and a big reason is because MIL and SIL wouldn't be able to keep their mouths shut about it. Everyone they know would hear about it quickly even if we asked them not to tell. Also MIL is a nurse, and I would/will probably be told what to do. H and I have already decided no one is going to be "staying with us to help" afterwards because we do not want that.
MILis the type of person who once she found out H was looking for a job, would look online and send him links to jobs. Um no thanks. He's a grown ass man and can figure things out on his own.

Rant over.

My MIL wanted to help "coach" while I was in labor with DS. Uh no. Just my husband is enough. I'm not comfortable with an audience watching me in labor.

[whatsit]

Mar 5, 2015 13:20:54 GMT -5 onyx said:

Mar 5, 2015 13:16:36 GMT -5 whatsit said:

We haven't told anyone yet, and a big reason is because MIL and SIL wouldn't be able to keep their mouths shut about it. Everyone they know would hear about it quickly even if we asked them not to tell. Also MIL is a nurse, and I would/will probably be told what to do. H and I have already decided no one is going to be "staying with us to help" afterwards because we do not want that.
MILis the type of person who once she found out H was looking for a job, would look online and send him links to jobs. Um no thanks. He's a grown ass man and can figure things out on his own.

Rant over.

My MIL wanted to help "coach" while I was in labor with DS. Uh no. Just my husband is enough. I'm not comfortable with an audience watching me in labor.

Ah! Don't frighten me! I could see mine suggesting that too.

[blanche]

Luckily my MIL is hands off, phew. It doesn't help that I have an MD for a father, so he thinks he knows everything....

ETA: Also my mother has already said that she plans on coming late October and staying through Thanksgiving. Hopefully most of that time she will stay at my brother's. Having her here will really stress me out!!

[ashleymarie26]

I anticipate that my dad will be the worst, but it's really easy for me to ignore him or put him in his place. He found out on Tuesday that we are expecting and already tried to lecture me about how kids shouldn't have video games until they are old enough to pay for them.....ummmmm Dad, cart before horse.

[littleowl913]

I haven't told anyone yet but my MIL can be a pain. Luckily she doesn't speak much English and DH filters out the most outrageous stuff she says.

[Deleted]

You think it's bad now during pregnancy, wait till TBT baby is here! Set boundaries now & keep pushing back.

I went with a midwife practice and had a fantastic experience. They are under an Ob group and at a hospital entirety for l&D.

[lycih]

Mar 5, 2015 13:45:41 GMT -5 blanche said:

Luckily my MIL is hands off, phew. It doesn't help that I have an MD for a father, so he thinks he knows everything....

ETA: Also my mother has already said that she plans on coming late October and staying through Thanksgiving. Hopefully most of that time she will stay at my brother's. Having her here will really stress me out!!

Ohh, Godspeed.

DD was due 12/7, and we always host thanksgiving.  My mom stayed for two weeks, from Thanksgiving until a few days after DD showed up on the 12th.  It.  Was.  Awful.   

[countingthestars]

My parents and my in laws both are great about following what we want to do. My parents have been at the hospital during everything both times and my in laws always come after the baby is born. I've had 2 csections and this will be my 3rd. We are really lucky with both sets of parents not being to overbearing or in your face about things.

[Deleted]

Great article - TFS!

[sonpetitlapin]

Oh boy, my mother is a narcissistic controlling witch. I already have limited contact with her by my design and only really communicate to her about the grandkids. She doesn't know right now and for good reason. With my last kid when she found out she told me to get an abortion. Then got pissed when my ex husband and I didn't want her in the delivery room. Oh but she got to see all her other grandbabies born. This is going to be fun cause SO can't stand her either.

[elliecat17]

my mom said that her midwife was her best advocate. mine haven't much to say yet, because i haven't told them anything.

[teambrink]

Still a secret over here. I told my best friend only because I need someone to talk to about this and she just had a November 14 baby so she understands quite a bit.

Good luck with your situation. I find with things in general that I don't want to hear it's best to just let people say their piece and you can take what you want and ignore the rest. The person feels heard and you hopefully won't have to hear it over and over again.

[soultrane]

My best advice is to shut it down or completely ignore it, whichever your family will respond best to. My MIL can be overbearing and doesn't really understand boundaries, but my husband and I are on the same page and have learned how to shut her shit down while still keeping the peace.

As for your mom telling you that she's coming to stay, I would strongly recommend turning the tables so you're the one calling the shots regarding your pregnancy and any visitors before, during and after labor. Unless they're the type to do all of the housework for you so that YOU have time to bond with your baby, it's really not super helpful to have a bunch of people hanging around the house when you're trying to establish a schedule with a newborn. In most cases, they're visiting so they can spend time with the baby, which is fun but not exactly helpful.

Another BIG negative is that dealing with the aftermath of labor while you have company just flat out sucks. "Pardon me while I go change my massive diaper-pad and cry through these post-labor cramps. It may take an hour or so because I also have to poop." See? Not fun!

[magnolia305]

My MIL will be a huge pain. She means well--but since she retired, she is ALWAYS in our business. Plus, DH is a huge mama's boy, so he struggles to see how overbearing she can be. When we were TTC, my MIL had suggestions for EVERYTHING. She even set up an acupuncture appointment without even asking me. I can only imagine what she will have up her sleeve now... Luckily, she isn't back from their "winter home" and I can relax for a few more weeks. She also has a HUGE mouth, so I won't want to tell her about our pregnancy until we tell everyone. Whereas, my parents are much more chill. So thankful for them!

[blanche]

Thanks for all of your advice.

I think after I go to my first appointment with the Midwife later this month I am going to tell my mother that is who I'm seeing and that its not their decision. I am also going to tell her not to come into town until my due date. There's no way I want her in the hospital with me and really, I'd prefer she wasn't around to "help" at all. She's already told me how much easier formula feeding seems and maybe I should just do that (again, sister in law couldn't because of her seizure medication). Butt out! We also plan to at least try CD (although I'm willing to forgo that one if its more trouble than its worth)...

Perhaps its the old "nagging Jewish mother" thing... but seriously, butt out!!