Telling parents about the BFP

[DrHooch]

Let me preface this by saying we've told only a couple of people (my SIL, my coworker who struggled with IF so she's known everything going on with me, and my BFF). We're waiting to tell my ILs and my parents until we're closer to the end of the 1st trimester, and when we can see them in person (we live 1000 miles away, so it's not a short trip). I was talking to my coworker (who knows) today, and somehow it came up that I hadn't told my mom yet. She was shocked, and said if her daughter got pregnant and didn't tell her she'd be heartbroken because she'd want to be there for support the whole time. I really want to tell my parents in person, and I also don't want her worrying (she's older and has health problems, so I don't like to stress her out when I can avoid it). Is that weird? What did you do?

[IFinTN]

Do you think your mom would feel hurt? My mom made it abundantly clear that she better be the first to know about a BFP. This was the case even before we did IF treatments and they knew all about our IVF pretty much blow by blow.

I would not even say I am really close to my mom but she was just so outspoken about this issue....I think it depends on the mom.

[ProfessorChaos]

We told both sets of parents at nine weeks, as we had already planned to get everyone together at that time. I told my mother immediately with my first pregnancy, and she handled the ensuing miscarriage VERY badly, including by telling a bunch of people about it when I'd specifically asked her not to. So she lost the early news privileges after that. She actually doesn't even know about the second miscarriage, nor that I had to do IVF...three times.

IMO, these are your relationships and your pregnancy to manage as you see fit, and you should feel entitled to tell people only when you're ready. I also think it would be somewhat selfish of someone to take it personally if the news wasn't shared early, especially if the mom-to-be had struggled.

It was fun to tell people in person, so maybe they'll be less likely to be upset if you make a cute little thing about it?

[hbanana18]

I told my parents quickly(after first beta), but they had known we were on a medicated cycle and that I either was or wasn't. They were very respectful of not sharing the news and understood our hesitancy. My stepmom and dad had been through IF and my mom is just one of those you can tell anything and I knew if we didn't have a viable pregnancy, I would want to talk with her.

We waited to tell ILs until 8week U/S. Even then, MIL had a hissy fit when we asked them to keep it to themselves until 12 weeks. She whined about not being able to tell anyone. MH was great and just said, well if you can't keep it to yourself, you just won't know the next time until we are ready to tell everyone.

It really does come down to your relationship with them and your comfort level. My ILs weren't upset we waited to tell them, they were just excited we were pregnant. I personally think the excitement would override any hurt feelings.

[dharmachick]

I am struggling a bit with this, too. My parents are not close by right now, either. I would love to tell them, but I really want to do so in person. IF takes away a bunch of the "fun" stuff, like surprising DH with the news, so it really makes me want to savor the fun stuff that we do have. Personally, I really want to see their reaction face-to-face. My family knows about us TTC and our IF and, in general, I think that they would be understanding. My ILs don't even know that we were TTC.

Only you would know if the delayed news would bother your mom, I wouldn't let your coworker's comment bug you.

[katemonster]

Mar 5, 2015 20:43:35 GMT -5 dharmachick said:

I am struggling a bit with this, too. My parents are not close by right now, either. I would love to tell them, but I really want to do so in person. IF takes away a bunch of the "fun" stuff, like surprising DH with the news, so it really makes me want to savor the fun stuff that we do have. Personally, I really want to see their reaction face-to-face. My family knows about us TTC and our IF and, in general, I think that they would be understanding. My ILs don't even know that we were TTC.

Only you would know if the delayed news would bother your mom, I wouldn't let your coworker's comment bug you.

This exactly

[wazzu08]

We waited until 9 weeks and I was on the fence about that. Like you, we wanted to tell all the parents and siblings in person. They all live 1-1.5 hours away... which means a planned visit.

We also struggled with involving them early on just because the chance of a loss is so high. I had kinda high betas and worried about a blighted ovum thanks to dr. google. We decided to wait until we had an US with a confirmed heartbeat.

I told a PGAL/PAIF coworker, PGAL/PAIF cousin and my best friend right away - they knew exactly when I had appointments and treatments. I received the same reaction your coworker gave you. Do what is right for you. I'm glad we announced to the parents and siblings when we did.

[kam10]

My parents and my sister knew the play by play of my IVF cycle, so they knew as soon as I had a positive test even before my first beta. I trusted them not to tell anyone until I was ready, and as far as I know they stuck to their word.
We told my in-laws after our third beta. I still wasn't super comfortable telling them at that point because my betas weren't rising as fast as hoped, but we wanted to tell them anyway for their support if something were to have gone wrong. MIL promised not to tell anyone and ended up telling her two sisters anyway which really hurt. If we go on to have more children she will not be finding out until I am ready to announce to everyone.
Our families both live close so we were able to tell them in person.

[IFinTN]

Just a general comment. It seems to be the case that most parents fail to keep the news to themselves. Most don't get IF struggle or PAIF brain. Although I told my mom to not say anything to anyone...I knew she would and of course she did. I try not to take it too personally...they just don't get it and they are super excited.

So bottom line, if you really don't want to share the news, don't tell ANYONE. If you tell someone unless you are absolutely sure they can keep their trap shut...just assume they won't.

[sewfie2]

We keep meaning to tell our families, but then we put it off until "the next appointment." Monday is our last RE appointment, so I'm thinking that if everything looks good on that u/s, we'll make the calls. I'll be 10w2d then. It's weird b/c basically all of our friends know, but none of our family do.

MH keeps putting it off b/c he's worried about his dad's reaction, like he'll be disappointed or something. I think he'll be indifferent. He gets excited about basically nothing these days, it's just how he is. He's a highly anxious person, and I think he tries to cover that by being nonplussed by everything.

[ginnyjones82]

I told my Mom early on. She was going through a hard time and I wanted her to have some good news. She knows I'm nervous, but as with my IF struggles, she won't mention it unless I do first. We also told our 2 closest friends and my brother and his girlfriend. All who know about our IF and respect us enough to not say anything yet. DHs parents, well his Mom is the one I worry about. She gets overly excited, and I'm just not ready for that yet. After we told her, he had a talk with her about not buying anything or getting overly excited until we clear the first tri.

It all comes down to what you and YH are comfortable with!

[DrHooch]

Thank you for all of your responses! It gave me a lot to think about. I think the reason my coworker's statement got to me is because I do feel guilty for not telling my mom, and basically all of our family. Every time I talk to them I feel like I'm lying by not telling them the biggest news on my mind. But DH feels even more strongly than me that we shouldn't tell everyone yet. I think mainly I am afraid of making it more real so if something bad happens it will hurt so much more (I know, a little silly, but...). Also, I think a m/c would break my mom's heart, so as much as I'd like to have her support if that were to happen, I wouldn't want to tell her for fear of what it might do to her health. And finally, like a lot of you said, I am really looking forward to seeing my parents' faces when they find out the news - especially since they've been bugging me for grandkids since I met my husband!

ETA: Andplusalso, I know that my mom will be waaaay too excited to not tell everyone she knows!

[mrswillie]

I don't think it's weird at all. It's especially hard when going through IF. I know people who told their parents the day they got their positive, but that wasn't for me. When TTC #1, I actually got my first positive at an appt with my primary care to talk about TTC. I did not have an OB yet. I was already having some bleeding, so of course I wasn't telling anybody before confirming anything with an OB. I had a second m/c a few months later. It was devastating to say the least. How was I supposed to tell anybody? I told our families when we were expecting DS1 at 12 weeks. I only told my mom of the earlier m/c and not DH's fam. This time around, I told my mother of the IUIs after another m/c and eventually IVF. DH's family knew nothing about our IF. We told them around 9 or 10 weeks with DS2. I would've told them a little bit sooner, but we wanted to tell them in person when we visited.