Is there anyone else that is now OAD?

[threetexans]

Are there any others here that are OAD after their rainbows?  I know recently there has been a lot of discussion about TTC.  That's all fine and good.  It really doesn't bother me now, and if I'm struggling I just avoid those posts.  I've come to terms with our situation, and I am truly grateful and happy for my little family of 3.  Just wondering if there were more OADs, or even no longer TTC with more than 1 child, on the board?

[rosiepeare]

Thanks for posting, threetexans, as I'm in this situation. I struggle with it quite a bit, especially now that L has turned 1. I hate that feelings of jealousy and frustration sometimes have started to come up for me again.

One of things that makes me feel particularly conflicted is that, while parts of our choice to be OAD are beyond our control (my age, my medical history), parts of it are based on our choices (to live in a place with a high cost of living, not living near family who could help with child care). I know that many people in our situation would feel very comfortable trying for a second, which also makes me wonder if we're placing too much weight on planning for the future (especially financially) at the expense of giving L a sibling.

That was a whole lot of word vomit--I'm sorry. It just feels good to have a place to admit what I'm struggling with. Thank you for starting the topic!

[honeylemon]

Mar 9, 2015 21:28:38 GMT -5 threetexans said:

Are there any others here that are OAD after their rainbows?  I know recently there has been a lot of discussion about TTC.  That's all fine and good.  It really doesn't bother me now, and if I'm struggling I just avoid those posts.  I've come to terms with our situation, and I am truly grateful and happy for my little family of 3.  Just wondering if there were more OADs, or even no longer TTC with more than 1 child, on the board?

This is me. We will hopefully have three after May, but will not be TTC any more. The stress of PgAL and then fear of having PPD/PPA every time is enough for me to know we're done.

[doglover31]

We are OAD, after everything we went through to get DS here we just aren't wanting to try for another. Granted we are both young (I'm almost 26 and DH is 27) so we do have time if we changed our minds. But we are pretty confident we are done. Part of me is sad that I will never be pregnant again or have another LO. But I am just to afraid of another loss to want to try again.

[puglife5869]

Mar 9, 2015 21:28:38 GMT -5 threetexans said:

Are there any others here that are OAD after their rainbows?  I know recently there has been a lot of discussion about TTC.  That's all fine and good.  It really doesn't bother me now, and if I'm struggling I just avoid those posts.  I've come to terms with our situation, and I am truly grateful and happy for my little family of 3.  Just wondering if there were more OADs, or even no longer TTC with more than 1 child, on the board?

This is me.  We just had our second in December and during my c section I had my doctor completely remove my tubes.  That was a decision that my husband and I had made before we even got pregnant with our second.  We always said we would only have 2.  I don't want to have any more kids naturally but I will admit that there are times I wish my DD could have a sister.  She is the only girl out of all the cousins and I sometimes wonder if she will miss out on having that sisterly bond.  Then again, my best friend growing up was more of a sister to me than my sister was.  So there's that.

[meladorie]

I'm not officially OAD but it's something I'm considering very much. It hurts because I have always wanted two and I think having siblings is just such a wonderful thing. But after all we went through for one, I just can't imagine going through it again. Of course LO is only 2 months old so we have plenty of time to decide, but for now I just feel like this might be it.

[threetexans]

Mar 10, 2015 6:41:34 GMT -5 rosiepeare said:

Thanks for posting, threetexans, as I'm in this situation. I struggle with it quite a bit, especially now that L has turned 1. I hate that feelings of jealousy and frustration sometimes have started to come up for me again.

One of things that makes me feel particularly conflicted is that, while parts of our choice to be OAD are beyond our control (my age, my medical history), parts of it are based on our choices (to live in a place with a high cost of living, not living near family who could help with child care). I know that many people in our situation would feel very comfortable trying for a second, which also makes me wonder if we're placing too much weight on planning for the future (especially financially) at the expense of giving L a sibling.

That was a whole lot of word vomit--I'm sorry. It just feels good to have a place to admit what I'm struggling with. Thank you for starting the topic!

((((Big Squishy Hugs rosiepeare))))  I struggled with our decision most right around M turning one.  I think M deciding to self wean at 11.5 months started me on a downward spiral for a few months, even though we were already firmly OAD by then.  

After my complications, and given our chances or recurrence especially being over 40 before we could try again, DH had a vasectomy when DD was 4 months old.  I try to look in the positive side of being OAD.  While we do not live in a HCOL area, being OAD makes the most sense for us financially.  DH would like to afford DD a life that he did not have growing up too.  I'm able to SAH, we can save aggressively for retirement, and contribute to M's future education expenses. Those things would be much harder with two.   

I debated making the post for most of yesterday.  I'm not sure if I was just feeling overly sensitive toward not being able to TTC again, or what, but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one on the board in the same boat.  

[threetexans]

Mar 10, 2015 8:01:54 GMT -5 honeylemon said:

Mar 9, 2015 21:28:38 GMT -5 threetexans said:

Are there any others here that are OAD after their rainbows?  I know recently there has been a lot of discussion about TTC.  That's all fine and good.  It really doesn't bother me now, and if I'm struggling I just avoid those posts.  I've come to terms with our situation, and I am truly grateful and happy for my little family of 3.  Just wondering if there were more OADs, or even no longer TTC with more than 1 child, on the board?

This is me. We will hopefully have three after May, but will not be TTC any more. The stress of PgAL and then fear of having PPD/PPA every time is enough for me to know we're done.

We knew that even if we could get my OB on board with TTC again, DH and I would constantly live in a state of fear for the entire pregnancy.  I long for an easy and uncomplicated pregnancy and birth.  Even if we did have that, I know that I would never truly enjoy it.  I would constantly live in fear of another loss or everything going to hell in a hand basket again. 

[threetexans]

Mar 10, 2015 10:24:09 GMT -5 puglife5869 said:

Mar 9, 2015 21:28:38 GMT -5 threetexans said:

Are there any others here that are OAD after their rainbows?  I know recently there has been a lot of discussion about TTC.  That's all fine and good.  It really doesn't bother me now, and if I'm struggling I just avoid those posts.  I've come to terms with our situation, and I am truly grateful and happy for my little family of 3.  Just wondering if there were more OADs, or even no longer TTC with more than 1 child, on the board?

This is me.  We just had our second in December and during my c section I had my doctor completely remove my tubes.  That was a decision that my husband and I had made before we even got pregnant with our second.  We always said we would only have 2.  I don't want to have any more kids naturally but I will admit that there are times I wish my DD could have a sister.  She is the only girl out of all the cousins and I sometimes wonder if she will miss out on having that sisterly bond.  Then again, my best friend growing up was more of a sister to me than my sister was.  So there's that.

The thought of DD not having a sibling is probably my biggest disappointment.  Luckily DD has many cousins, and our closest friends have daughters the same age too.  

[threetexans]

Mar 10, 2015 8:02:03 GMT -5 doglover31 said:

We are OAD, after everything we went through to get DS here we just aren't wanting to try for another. Granted we are both young (I'm almost 26 and DH is 27) so we do have time if we changed our minds. But we are pretty confident we are done. Part of me is sad that I will never be pregnant again or have another LO. But I am just to afraid of another loss to want to try again.

I think that is completely understandable.  That fear is always there once you've had a loss, and it is a powerful thing.  

[threetexans]

Mar 10, 2015 11:49:11 GMT -5 hawkward said:

We're no longer TTC after DS2. Getting DS2 was just too hard. Originally we wanted 3, but I can't live in the headspace I've been in for the last few years anymore. Letting depression and anxiety go mostly unchecked for the sake of TTC made me a crappy mom and a crappy wife.

Like Rosie, I kind of struggle with frustration and jealousy over it, but I know it's the right choice for our family. The boys are growing so quickly and I'm having a hard time accepting that this part of our lives will be over too soon,

(((hugs)))  TTC DD was a very dark place for us.  Between the loss and IF, I was not myself for quite some time.  I think it's normal to feel that frustration and jealousy, when your original hopes have been put to rest. Knowing that having 2 is no longer in the cards for us, can be a bitter pill to swallow. 

[threetexans]

Mar 10, 2015 12:02:03 GMT -5 meladorie said:

I'm not officially OAD but it's something I'm considering very much. It hurts because I have always wanted two and I think having siblings is just such a wonderful thing. But after all we went through for one, I just can't imagine going through it again. Of course LO is only 2 months old so we have plenty of time to decide, but for now I just feel like this might be it.

Making the decision to be OAD is a hard one.  We try to focus on the positives that OAD affords our family, but you cannot help but think about what your child might miss out on by being OAD.  

[threetexans]

Mar 10, 2015 16:01:05 GMT -5 @enchanted said:

If we bring this baby home, then we're done with TTC. I originally wanted to have four kids, but my husband only wanted two. We had always agreed that after two, he would be the one responsible for making sure there were no more. That's still the plan, BUT (and I would never admit this to my husband) I'm done. PgAL is just too damn hard. I thought it would be easier the second time around, but it's really not.

Honestly, if we should lose this little one, I'm still done. There is absolutely no way in hell I could deal with being pregnant again.

((((hugs))))  I will say I am relieved I don't have to relive the PGAL craziness.  I really hope this will be your 2nd rainbow!  Hang in there. 

[honeylemon]

Mar 10, 2015 16:01:05 GMT -5 @enchanted said:

Honestly, if we should lose this little one, I'm still done. There is absolutely no way in hell I could deal with being pregnant again.

I've felt the same way with this pregnancy and it really surprises me.

[taberbtb]

Mar 10, 2015 12:02:03 GMT -5 meladorie said:

I'm not officially OAD but it's something I'm considering very much. It hurts because I have always wanted two and I think having siblings is just such a wonderful thing. But after all we went through for one, I just can't imagine going through it again. Of course LO is only 2 months old so we have plenty of time to decide, but for now I just feel like this might be it.

This is where I am at also. DH has been talking about a second since B was born, and I have been sure this was my last pg regardless of outcome since conception. PGAL was harder than I ever imagined, however like meladorie I suppose we still have time to decide though I am 99% sure and have been that this is it.

[kels09]

We are done. I would have loved to have had one more but our age, infertility issues and my DH's chronic illness pretty much make it impossible for another. I'm grateful for my 3 but it still makes me sad that we won't be having another one.

I come from a big family and I always thought I would have a big family too.

[meladorie]

Mar 11, 2015 15:44:56 GMT -5 vigorousbabymama said:

Mar 10, 2015 12:02:03 GMT -5 meladorie said:

I'm not officially OAD but it's something I'm considering very much. It hurts because I have always wanted two and I think having siblings is just such a wonderful thing. But after all we went through for one, I just can't imagine going through it again. Of course LO is only 2 months old so we have plenty of time to decide, but for now I just feel like this might be it.

This is me too. I'd love to have a big family like 3 or 4 kids and feeling like this might be it makes me really sad. When I look back at my pregnanxy with vigorous baby I realize that despite the PgAL anxiety and fear I really love being pregnant and even more I LOVED labor and delivery. What gives me pause is how hard having a newborn/infant is. Maybe I've been on maternity leave too long or maybe she's just an especially fussy/high maintainace baby (frequent nursing strikes, can't self soothe at all, wont nap alone and Sleeps at night in a Rnp (God help me when we have to transition out of that. Which, honestly, should be now)), or maybe I'm not as good or as patient of a mom as Id like to be, but holy hell, this is really fucking hard. DH is totally down for more kids, at least one more, and so far I'm just saying "we'll see" but I just don't know.....

Nonsense. It IS hard. That doesn't make you a bad or impatient mom, just a normal one.

[KMW08]

Totally crashing this thread...

hang in there vigorousbabymama - I think my lil guy is a high maintenance baby also. Ditto meladorie it is hard, really hard, some (a lot of) days.

hawkward I've been wondering how you've been doing. Glad to see you posting around here a little bit again

threetexans I'm an only child and turned out just fine! I know I don't understand sibling bonds, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Also, after seeing dh and his brother, I'm a bit relieved I don't have to deal with any siblings. OMFG talk about a drama llama most of the time. I like just having me and only me to worry about (other than dh and LO) <---I don't mean that selfishly, I just don't know how to properly explain it.

[threetexans]

KMW08 thanks for your input! DH is one of 5...talk about drama. He doesn't speak to one them- their choice, not his. I was an only for my first 7 years, and I know I would have been just fine as an only. (That probably sounds awful.) My sister really rocked my world when she arrived. We constantly struggle to have a good relationship. We are just so different. Having M has put us on a more even field, i.e. more in common, but it isn't easy.

[happyin14]

Mar 10, 2015 12:02:03 GMT -5 meladorie said:

I'm not officially OAD but it's something I'm considering very much. It hurts because I have always wanted two and I think having siblings is just such a wonderful thing. But after all we went through for one, I just can't imagine going through it again. Of course LO is only 2 months old so we have plenty of time to decide, but for now I just feel like this might be it.

This is us... We always wanted two. For those that don't remember (or know) we lost my two and a half year old son tragically... So C is our second take home baby but he doesn't have a sibling. I always planned on two pregnancies... I've now had four and have one living kid. It's so hard... And the losses after Jack's death were just impossible. We don't feel equipped to handle more loss.

[taberbtb]

vigorousbabymama don't beat yourself up. You are not alone! Babies are hard and our sound similarily high maintenance! I don't have the patience for a second one, some/most days I don't have the patience for this one. We don't know if B has undiagnosed reflux but the screaming wears on me daily. (((HUGS))) hang in there you are a great mom and have made it this far!

[dragonfly1809]

This is us, sort of. I do have a 17 year old daughter from a university fling. I raised her alone until DH came on the scene when she was ten.
I never wanted an only child, wished for the right time (and man) for a sibling for her. Now that she has one they're do far apart in age that their relationship is going to be just..., different. She adores him, and he will look up yo her, but it's not the sibling relationship I imagined.

We had hoped to have two, but after years of losses that became unrealistic. Losing Finn just changed everything. I don't think I could handle the stress of another pregnancy and newborn stage. As much as I eish Oliver could have a sibling his age, I know it would be too much.

I'm also about to turn 42, and DH is 46.. I think, sadly, we're done.

[serenla]

Mar 11, 2015 16:01:49 GMT -5 meladorie said:

Mar 11, 2015 15:44:56 GMT -5 vigorousbabymama said:

This is me too. I'd love to have a big family like 3 or 4 kids and feeling like this might be it makes me really sad. When I look back at my pregnanxy with vigorous baby I realize that despite the PgAL anxiety and fear I really love being pregnant and even more I LOVED labor and delivery. What gives me pause is how hard having a newborn/infant is. Maybe I've been on maternity leave too long or maybe she's just an especially fussy/high maintainace baby (frequent nursing strikes, can't self soothe at all, wont nap alone and Sleeps at night in a Rnp (God help me when we have to transition out of that. Which, honestly, should be now)), or maybe I'm not as good or as patient of a mom as Id like to be, but holy hell, this is really fucking hard. DH is totally down for more kids, at least one more, and so far I'm just saying "we'll see" but I just don't know.....

Nonsense. It IS hard. That doesn't make you a bad or impatient mom, just a normal one.

Meladorie speaks the truth.

[FCtwinmom]

We aren't technically OAD because we had twins, but we are officially done TTC. After our first pregnancy ended in a loss at 12 weeks and then the twins came 8 weeks early because of PROM. I think with all of that I would just spend the whole pregnancy a mesa of we were to try again and emotionally I just don't think I can do that.

I do get a little sad thinking I will never actually caring a pregnancy to term. But then I look at my babies and feel so lucky to have them. I am sure as they grow it will be hard at times but it's the best decision for us (my husband had a vesectomy so we are definiely done).