Creative Custody Schedules

[CurlieWhirlie]

What kind of custody arrangements does everyone have? I'm always looking for better ideas and options.

SS10 and SS8 live with their mom during the week in a city 30 minutes away from our town because that's where their schools are. They're in middle and elementary. BM doesn't want to give up any weekend time (naturally), so we still only get them every other weekend. It's really hard on everyone that they're here so infrequently. We suggested splitting the boys up to have one-on-one weekends occasionally (so one would come to us, one would stay with their mom) but she refuses to separate the brothers because she feels they "need each other" to "handle" being at their dad's. It hurts DH's feelings but he feels kind of powerless. The CO says he also gets every other Thursday night, but the boys hate coming here on school nights, so he gave it up for the time being because it was so hard on everyone.

On the flip side, I have DS Saturday through Tuesday, and ex has him Wednesday through Friday. We both have a full-access pass and can visit each other whenever, which is made easier by the fact that we live in the same town.

Anyone out there have any interesting configurations you'd care to share?

[CurlieWhirlie]

So @nedralynn you have them every weekend? That's nice, we'd love that but BM won't allow it. Maybe when they're older...

[CurlieWhirlie]

I think therein lies the difference. My SK's mom doesn't have a boyfriend and doesn't seem to be interested in finding one. She's martyred herself to single motherhood, but it means she's much less willing to give us any extra time with the boys.

[steph]

We have primary residence. BM has SD after school thurs until 7 and overnights on sat. She's kind of homeless right now though so things have been a bit messy with the schedule.

[Deleted]

When my ex was living in town, he had them Tues/Wed one week and the next he had them Friday, Saturday, Sunday and took them to school/daycare Monday. It worked out really well for us and we were finally settling into that routine when he quit his job and took another one on the road. He sees them maybe 24 hours on Saturdays/Sundays every 3 weeks or so. It's been really hard on the kids.

[miraclebbye]

Jan 19, 2015 15:33:24 GMT -5 CurlieWhirlie said:

So @nedralynn you have them every weekend? That's nice, we'd love that but BM won't allow it. Maybe when they're older...

I think BM sounds like a controlling A-hole. Those boys are old enough to know what they want and definitely old enough to spend more than 4 days a month with their father. If your DH wants more time I would modify. Because of demographics I would petition for Friday evening to Sunday evening every weekend and then rotate holidays to include spring break (the entire week). During the summer breaks it would be week on/week off (sunday to sunday or whatever day works best for exchange). Saying "she wont allow it" gives her all the power. Unless she can prove in court your DH is unfit for more parenting time she has zero grounds for that much decision making.

I wouldnt split them, that could lead to jealousy issues depending on activities going when 1 visits and 1 doesnt.

[duckker]

When the kids were in elementary, we used to have the somewhat traditional two weekends a month, some split time on school holidays (maybe a long weekend or half the week of Christmas break, etc.) and a longer period in the summer. We would also drive out for all school functions, recitals, games, etc., so saw the kids pretty much every week. Since I taught high school and was on the same school calendar as the steps, it was kind of logical for the kids to be with me when they were off school. They lived a 2/5/3 hour drive away, and that round trip was a bitch on weekends. (BM would not drive or meet us halfway.) When kids moved in with us in middle school, the schedule was supposed to reverse, but we had a ton of cancelled weekends and generally had the kids more often than not. Now BM lives a plane ride away, and it's the first time in years that things feel stable around here. I know the kids miss their mom, but her life borders on catastrophe constantly, they are in high school and have pretty active lives of their own, and I'm psychotic about routines and predictability--so it's an incredible feeling to know that things aren't constantly about to change at the last minute.

Edited to say: We also did one on one weekends, but not every month. Usually it was 3-4 times a year, and the kids actually loved it, although they do not generally like to be split up. Sometimes it was a whole weekend, and sometimes one kid came out a night earlier than the other. (This works well if the other one has plans like a sleepover or birthday party, etc., so they were both doing something "special", but they did also enjoy having solo time with mom while the other was with us...) 

[PAruby525]

CurlieWhirlie I think the difficult part is the distance. My DH has a daughter and we used to have her about 2-3 days a week. Her mom tried to take us to court to get that reduced even further - YA RIGHT - and we actually got more time, a basically 50/50 split. it was SO HARD driving across town (30-45 minutes) all the time to get her to school and really put a burden. For us, we were able to relocate (we were looking for a home to buy and it made sense to move to the other side of town to be closer to her). We wanted to be close enough that as she grew up (she's only 5 now) it would be easy for her to go back and forth and see whoever she wanted whenever she wanted. So far that has been the biggest blessing.

As for if we hadn't moved, I guess you have to just decide the sacrifice. We had a difficult judge that was very pro-mother (and had been since there divorce). So we really had to make a case for it. But it was so important to us to have an equal chance at a healthy relationship with her. BM did NOT like it one bit. Don't give up, there is a solution but I think it'll be different for every situation and what you're able to do in terms of transportation. BM didn't want to do the drive, but it was possible for us to do it so we did. Wasn't convenient, but for us it was important. Your work schedules & activities may dictate that is not an option - but look into it.

Also, be careful as they grow older with splitting things like summer holidays, etc. Growing up we had visitation with my dad every other weekend and several weeks each summer. He lived about 90 minutes from my mom, but as kids that meant being away from all of our friends, missing birthday parties, and never seeing our friends outside of school. Made for long, hard, and hateful summers.

[CurlieWhirlie]

PAruby525 I have heard that from a lot of adult friends who grew up splitting time between two houses, the part about not wanting to be away from friends on "dad weekends" when they were growing up. We're going to have to be creative and very sensitive to this potential issue as the kids get older, because there just isn't a way we can move closer than that 30 minute drive.

[TwizzTastic]

In my experience a court order was the thing that made visitation easier and took away some of the negotiations and stress. My DS's BF is mostly absent and would pop up around the occasional holiday to demand his visits or would require me to bring him out of state to see him and refuse to return him. I got a court order the explicitly explained the visitation down to times, where we would meet, and didn't deviate. I would suggest to eliminate some of the control issues to look into or modify the custody order. Things change as kids get older and then need to be adjusted occasionally.

[jb]

After 14 years of no schedule and dd's father being inconsistent in his desire to see her, I took him to court to modify child support. He , in turn, asked for a rigid visitation schedule and it was granted. So, dd, who has never had a schedule with her dad and hadn't slept at his house in years is now ordered into a rigid schedule. She is heavily into dance and spends most of her time at the studio, but her dad doesn't get that she is a teenager whose priorities are not always being with her parents. I've never had a problem or stood in the way of them seeing each other, but he let her down a lot during a period in her life that he should have been maintaining a bond with her.

Anyway. Now we are struggling to adjust to this new schedule and it has been pretty much a nightmare.

[CurlieWhirlie]

Ugh, jb that sounds so hard. I'm sorry you're going through that.

[kcones88]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, jb. Did you guys have to meet with a visitation counselor prior to the very strict visitation schedule being granted? I'm surprised a counselor would agree to grant a schedule like that, especially when one was not in place before hand and considering the age of yoyr daughter.

[jb]

Jan 24, 2015 14:44:39 GMT -5 kcones88 said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this, jb. Did you guys have to meet with a visitation counselor prior to the very strict visitation schedule being granted? I'm surprised a counselor would agree to grant a schedule like that, especially when one was not in place before hand and considering the age of yoyr daughter.

Nope. DD even testified and said yes when the judge asked if she would be willing to see a counselor. He ruled the Friday before Christmas with no transition period or anything. She is now in therapy and making progress. Her father has been ok about not forcing the sleepovers, and she sees him, but as soon as I ask for his half of expenses that he is orders to pay, he threatens to force her to do what the order says and I feel like he is taking his anger for me out on her.

I've always, always, been encouraging of her having a relationship with him and was even friends with his wife. Everything turned ugly as soon as I filed for child support modification.

[kcones88]

Jan 24, 2015 16:07:35 GMT -5 jb said:

Jan 24, 2015 14:44:39 GMT -5 kcones88 said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this, jb. Did you guys have to meet with a visitation counselor prior to the very strict visitation schedule being granted? I'm surprised a counselor would agree to grant a schedule like that, especially when one was not in place before hand and considering the age of yoyr daughter.

Nope. DD even testified and said yes when the judge asked if she would be willing to see a counselor. He ruled the Friday before Christmas with no transition period or anything. She is now in therapy and making progress. Her father has been ok about not forcing the sleepovers, and she sees him, but as soon as I ask for his half of expenses that he is orders to pay, he threatens to force her to do what the order says and I feel like he is taking his anger for me out on her.

I've always, always, been encouraging of her having a relationship with him and was even friends with his wife. Everything turned ugly as soon as I filed for child support modification.

That just really sucks. My only advice is to continue to be the bigger person, which it seems like you're doing. Hopefully he'll come around eventually and stop being such a dick. Maybe try contacting the states attorney's representative for your county (that's who handles child support and custody cases in my area), to see if there's any recourse you can take. Hope things get better for you and DD!

[CurlieWhirlie]

People get really ugly over money. But it does really sound like he's taking your request for modified support as a personal attack, and he's using your daughter to show you how mad he is. To gain some control. But at her expense. It's too bad *he* isn't in therapy.

[jb]

I'm hoping he will go to a therapy session with her if/when the therapist thinks dd is ready.

I feel like he sees me as always being out to get him when that is not the case at all. My parents divorced when I was 11 and my dad was always so flexible and amicable with my mom. To this day, my dad comes to my mom's for holiday and will sit right next to my step-father. They've become friends! It's so nice for my sister and I not to have to split our time during celebrations.

I just don't want dd to carry resentment towards her father and hope that her dad can put her needs in front of his.

We live in the same town. He can see her whenever he wants. I wouldn't and haven't kept her from him.

[sweetcali]

***lurker, hope you don't mind my dropping in***

I have 2 SKs ages 7 & 8. We have them Every other week Friday after school to the next Friday morning. Wednesday nights are "Date nights". So on the weeks we have them their M picks them up from daycare and takes them to dinner and then brings them home. We do the same during her weeks. We live 30 mins apart but the kids go to school near us. The kids have been on this schedule for just over 3 years and they like it. We get a sense of normalcy and a steady schedule for a week at a time.

[CurlieWhirlie]

jb that's exactly the relationship that my ex and I have (how you describe your mom and dad) and it has clearly benefitted our son. It definitely confuses people when we — me, my husband and my ex — all go to events together, but I'm willing to deal with the awkwardness.

I hope your ex can get over himself. Just like I hope my husband's ex can get over her anger and put the kids first.

[junebug627]

With my daughter (3.5 y/o) I have her Sunday night, Monday night and Tuesday night...Wednesday after work her dad picks her up and she stays with him Wednesday night and Thursday night. We alternate Friday and Saturday nights so every other week she's with her dad Wed - Sun. It works well for us.

My ex also has another daughter (7 y/o) and they just alternate an entire week. Not exactly sure what nights they switch but you get the idea.

Edit:

How could I forget?! SO's daughter (5 y/o) lives in Japan with her mother (they're Japanese, SO met her while he was in the Marine Corps) and she stays with her mother throughout the school here and comes here during the summer months.