Question about a friend

[DrHooch]

I usually post on Pregnant AIF (and before that, 3TC/IF), but I have a question about a friend/coworker and I'm not sure where to go about advice, so I thought I would try here. She knows about my IF struggles, and she struggled with IF herself (about 10 years ago). She and her DH decided to adopt after trying a few treatments, and she has a 12 year old daughter. She's been my supporter and go to at work when something regarding IF happens, because she gets it, and she's been great. When I first found out I was pregnant, I told her because I needed to discuss some work related things (I am a professor, and I'm due in the middle of fall semester and we'll need to work something out soon, before I want to tell the world) and I knew she'd understand why I want to keep it quiet. 

Here comes the question: Am I being insensitive talking to her about my pregnancy? She frequently asks me about it and how I'm doing, so I tell her. I know she decided to adopt, and is happy with that decision, but I don't want to seem like, I don't know, I'm rubbing it in her face? I know that having struggled with IF, it was difficult hearing about other's pregnancies. Does that go away after time? Or is it possible it's still bothering her?

Thanks in advance for your advice!

[kaf7]

It is possible it still bothers her, yes. But you can't know unless you ask her. Often the awareness that it might be tough to talk about is all that is needed to ease over any resentment. I would say to her what you said to us. GL

[Deleted]

totally agree w kaf: i'd ask her. she may still mourn the fact that she didn't have a biological child or she may not since some time has past. only way to know is to ask.

[ccam]

It could still bother her but if she asks you about it, I think she genuinely wants to know how it's going. That doesn't mean it doesn't sting a little though. I'd mention your feelings to her like the other ladies said.

[ruthie]

Mar 14, 2015 12:48:16 GMT -5 ccam said:

It could still bother her but if she asks you about it, I think she genuinely wants to know how it's going. That doesn't mean it doesn't sting a little though. I'd mention your feelings to her like the other ladies said.

This! I had a supervisor with a very similar story (only she was now a grandmother). She was borderline obsessed with my pregnancy- I mean, she'd look up what was going on in fetal development during my supervision (we worked in adoption, so she had a book in her office). When I once asked her about it, she said she felt like we'd both gotten our happy endings, but that she liked to live a little vicariously through me. It wasn't that she was mourning the loss of a biological child, it was that she was missing the experience of pregnancy. She just wanted to hear all the details since she didn't know what it felt like.

[mrsamyd]

You are so sweet to be concerned and thoughtful. IF can leave PTSD-like scars or a child can heal all IF wounds. The reality is that most of us fall somewhere in the middle. I'm super happy for anyone I know who struggled with IF when they finally get that BFP. I'm also happy for my friends who won't have to endure the pain and heartbreak of IF. However, seeing random pregnant people gives me envy and hearing anyone bitch about being pregnant grates.

Since you are close ask. It can be a simple question, "hey, I know we both struggled with IF. I don't want to prattle in about my pregnancy if it makes you sad in any way".

[DrHooch]

Thanks for the advice ladies. I will try and find a good time to ask her about it.