Need advice on how to handle BD

[jennaleigh23]

I'm 20 weeks along and left the BD at about 6 weeks due to him cheating and just overall not respecting me at all. I have done hours and hours of research on what the best way to parent is when the parents are separated right from birth and what kind of custody arrangement works best as well. I have been more than open to keeping him informed, in the loop, I have been asking him for three months now to try to settle our custody arrangement. I want sole custody but I still want us to co parent. I want us to have that parenting relationship so our son can see his parents be in the same room and have healthy, positive, hand offs and be able to communicate openly about his time spent with each parent. The only problem is that my ex wants absolutely nothing to do with that, he wants to be in the picture ( he even started off by asking for 50/50 physical of the newborn ) he just wants to parent separately from me. Which terrifies me as a mother. Are all the routines that I'm going to work to put in place be obliterated when he spends time at dads?



I've offered him reasonable access to visits at my house for the first six months where he can come bond with him, learn to diaper and feed and bathe him and really build the relationship with his son but in a safe environment. He's not really a responsible person, no drivers license, has never filed taxes, has no idea how to take care of himself, has a substance abuse problem and has absolutely zero idea about infants let alone children. So I do have concerns about my son going off with him unsupervised.



I think what I've offered him is more than fair, as I've stated all along, my number one goal is for my son to know his father and to have a relationship with him but in an environment where I know my son will be safe and properly taken care of.



So now the father ignores my texts if the conversation has anything to do with this custody agreement, he has cancelled mediation that I've scheduled (with his consent) twice. I understand he wants to be involved but his idea of parenting him is taking him away from me and doing his own thing which I full heartedly don't believe is in the best interest of my son, I believe he needs consistency and for parents to be on the same page and communicate openly.



I have an appointment with a lawyer for next Friday as I don't know what else I can do.. legally if I don't have custody established then his father gets 50% of the legal rights to make all the major decisions. And 95% of the time his decision is contrary to mine based solely on the fact that it was proposed by me. That is my motive for seeking full custody, I believe one of us has to have the final say or else we will be back in court every month over one issue or another.



Does anyone have any advice or any parenting plans that worked with them and their BD? Any way I can try to make him see that co-parenting is going to be better in the long run for our son? Or even just anyone who's been in a similar situation?

[20thirteen]

Oh man. What a douche.

I don't co-parent with my BD. I told him from the beginning that I didn't want him involved and he hasn't made any effort to be a father anyway. He was also a cheater, a partier, does drugs... he's also a functioning alcoholic. He has seen DD 3 times. Every time he came by to see her, he had to adhere to my rules. Which he did. But then he disappeared, so, good riddance.

All I can tell you is to tell your lawyer that you *need* sole custody because this dude is irresponsible and you don't trust him to look after a newborn. And, if you plan on breastfeeding, you can't be apart from the newborn anyway. Does he have his own attorney yet? Also, which state do you live in? "legally if I don't have custody established then his father gets 50% of the legal rights to make all the major decisions." <-- because I've never heard of that.

[helenahhandbasket]

I mean, my situation is different-- I was married to my LO's dad for 7 years and we decided to divorce when she was 2-- so we did have a lot of co- parenting experience already. I have custody of my DD and she sees her dad every other weekend. We agree on the big things-- discepline, routines etc, but we do some of the small things differently.

It's not clear in your post what the actual concerns are? What are the things that you think he would do or would not do while taking care of your LO? Do you think he's unfit? Does he have a safe place for LO to stay? I am saying this beacuse most first time fathers (and some FTMs have no clue about child care and the only way to learn is to dive in).

First I think you need to figure out the issues that are going to be most important. Are you working? If yes, who will watch LO while you are at work and how will you pay for it? Will you breastfeed? Will you try Ferber with your LO? Do you plan to cloth diaper? Will you stick to a schedule or will you let LO fall into a schedule?

Once you figure out what's most important to you--I would say maybe outline them in a document and bring that document to your mediator. Having an impartial party look over your concerns may help ease the tension between you two.

GL--I hope you are able to make some headway with him.

[becwheat]

What kind of substance abuse problem? Has he ever been arrested or involved in a an accident that would have a paper trail?

I do not know as much as you, but I do know that even a guy who may not be the most responsible dude deserves to be in child's life. He is the father, you are the mother and both of you are going to be new parents... so why should he have to learn how to diaper under your supervision? All new parents deserve to be comfortable with their child and enjoy them (including you) and if he is not comfortable in your home you may have to get used to the idea of allowing him his own visitation. HE HAS RIGHTS.

UNLESS he is truly unsafe. I mean like unsafe, not just a single dude who may party too much right now, cause having a kid changes routines and most people party more and are a little less family focused before a child. He deserves a chance to prove he is responsible.

Another thing... give him a minute!!! I know you have asked him for weeks... but you are only 20 wks along! A lot of men have a hard time wrapping their head around the reality of a baby until it is born, ESPECIALLY if it is unplanned. I have heard many many times that dads who were TRYING to have a baby still don't feel like it is real till they hold them for the first time. As women we feel it sooner. We feel the kicks, the sickness, the belly growing... So, just take a breath and be patient with him. You say you want them to have a relationship and that is great! You are meeting with a lawyer, which is wise. BUT try to be calm and really make HIM feel like you truly want to work with him. When you say you want full custody and all visits in your home it probably scared him. I know it would scare me as a soon to be new parent.

Ok that was long. In conclusion, take real stock in how you feel and what his situation is. If there is a substance problem I would suggest seeing if drug testing is needed for visitation or if dad is willing to go to rehab or get help in order to make you feel more at ease. Be prepared to compromise, cause unless there is documented proof that he is unfit he will most likely get visitation and some custody. I know this is stressful, I am sorry you have to deal with it. good luck.

[20thirteen]

becwheat is way more on point than I am.

[jennaleigh23]

He does not have any arrests or convictions, he's just overall an irresponsible person. He uses drugs recreationally and rarely goes a day without getting drunk. I do have legitimate concerns for my son's safety while he is with his father.

He was verbally and emotionally abusive during our relationship and the first few weeks of the fall out. He's told me that he has just as much right to be the one to bring the baby home from the hospital after birth, that I'll never see my son again and he's even implied that he wants me to labour and deliver alone so he can be the first person to meet our son rather than my family and friends who have been my support through this whole pregnancy. He calls me lazy, delusional, psychotic, controlled who I was allowed to see and made me feel guilty for the way he felt.

Now when I try to communicate with him, he flat out ignores my texts. If he texts first, he will carry a conversation until it's back to something I want to discuss (IE anything that has to do with the baby or the custody arrangement) when he just refuses to respond.

He does not respect women (he was raised by his father after being abandoned by his mother as an infant) he thinks women shouldn't hold jobs like doctors and lawyers. I am worried that his time unsupervised with my son will be nothing but bashing me and teaching my child to think the same way he does. To not respect me, to not respect women and that my son doesn't have to listen to me cause I'm "delusional" and "crazy"

I know the reality is that he'll probably win more custody and visits than I want him to but it breaks my heart that I have to coparent with someone so ignorant and hell bent on disrespecting me when I don't believe that will be in the best interest of our son.

[becwheat]

Mar 25, 2015 9:28:28 GMT -5 jennaleigh23 said:

He does not have any arrests or convictions, he's just overall an irresponsible person. He uses drugs recreationally and rarely goes a day without getting drunk. I do have legitimate concerns for my son's safety while he is with his father.

He was verbally and emotionally abusive during our relationship and the first few weeks of the fall out. He's told me that he has just as much right to be the one to bring the baby home from the hospital after birth, that I'll never see my son again and he's even implied that he wants me to labour and deliver alone so he can be the first person to meet our son rather than my family and friends who have been my support through this whole pregnancy. He calls me lazy, delusional, psychotic, controlled who I was allowed to see and made me feel guilty for the way he felt.

Now when I try to communicate with him, he flat out ignores my texts. If he texts first, he will carry a conversation until it's back to something I want to discuss (IE anything that has to do with the baby or the custody arrangement) when he just refuses to respond.

He does not respect women (he was raised by his father after being abandoned by his mother as an infant) he thinks women shouldn't hold jobs like doctors and lawyers. I am worried that his time unsupervised with my son will be nothing but bashing me and teaching my child to think the same way he does. To not respect me, to not respect women and that my son doesn't have to listen to me cause I'm "delusional" and "crazy"

I know the reality is that he'll probably win more custody and visits than I want him to but it breaks my heart that I have to coparent with someone so ignorant and hell bent on disrespecting me when I don't believe that will be in the best interest of our son.

If this is truly the situation then do not put him on the BC. If you were not married he will have no parental rights unless you put him on the BC or if he goes through court DNA testing (which he will have to pay for). **Please confirm this with a lawyer in your state**

I was not trying to disrespect you, but your post was not super clear as to why you wanted to restrict his visits. It sounded like a typical young guy getting drunk on the weekend because he does not have any current responsibilities.

If he has sent you texts, emails or voicemails save them and document them. Get a binder and record all interactions. It is best not to communicate via telephone. Stick to email. Make sure you remain the calm voice or reason. If he says things like "You will never see your son again!" or "You are crazy/delusional.." Simply text back something like "Please communicate to me with me in a respectful and constructional manner or I will end the conversation." Then be ready to follow through. 

Do not engage him. There is really no reason right now to talk to him, I would send one last email (and keep it in your records) stating

"I would like to work with you in a mature manner to get a visitation/custody agreement on file with the courts. As of right now my birth plan is XYZ... My prefered visitation schedule is xyz... I think this plan is reasonable and would appreciate your agreement and/or input. If we do agree I will have my lawyer file the order after LO is born. If communication cannot remain civil I will keep all future communication between our legal representatives."

[jennaleigh23]

Mar 25, 2015 13:41:23 GMT -5 becwheat said:

Mar 25, 2015 9:28:28 GMT -5 jennaleigh23 said:

He does not have any arrests or convictions, he's just overall an irresponsible person. He uses drugs recreationally and rarely goes a day without getting drunk. I do have legitimate concerns for my son's safety while he is with his father.

He was verbally and emotionally abusive during our relationship and the first few weeks of the fall out. He's told me that he has just as much right to be the one to bring the baby home from the hospital after birth, that I'll never see my son again and he's even implied that he wants me to labour and deliver alone so he can be the first person to meet our son rather than my family and friends who have been my support through this whole pregnancy. He calls me lazy, delusional, psychotic, controlled who I was allowed to see and made me feel guilty for the way he felt.

Now when I try to communicate with him, he flat out ignores my texts. If he texts first, he will carry a conversation until it's back to something I want to discuss (IE anything that has to do with the baby or the custody arrangement) when he just refuses to respond.

He does not respect women (he was raised by his father after being abandoned by his mother as an infant) he thinks women shouldn't hold jobs like doctors and lawyers. I am worried that his time unsupervised with my son will be nothing but bashing me and teaching my child to think the same way he does. To not respect me, to not respect women and that my son doesn't have to listen to me cause I'm "delusional" and "crazy"

I know the reality is that he'll probably win more custody and visits than I want him to but it breaks my heart that I have to coparent with someone so ignorant and hell bent on disrespecting me when I don't believe that will be in the best interest of our son.

If this is truly the situation then do not put him on the BC. If you were not married he will have no parental rights unless you put him on the BC or if he goes through court DNA testing (which he will have to pay for). **Please confirm this with a lawyer in your state**

I was not trying to disrespect you, but your post was not super clear as to why you wanted to restrict his visits. It sounded like a typical young guy getting drunk on the weekend because he does not have any current responsibilities.

If he has sent you texts, emails or voicemails save them and document them. Get a binder and record all interactions. It is best not to communicate via telephone. Stick to email. Make sure you remain the calm voice or reason. If he says things like "You will never see your son again!" or "You are crazy/delusional.." Simply text back something like "Please communicate to me with me in a respectful and constructional manner or I will end the conversation." Then be ready to follow through. 

Do not engage him. There is really no reason right now to talk to him, I would send one last email (and keep it in your records) stating

"I would like to work with you in a mature manner to get a visitation/custody agreement on file with the courts. As of right now my birth plan is XYZ... My prefered visitation schedule is xyz... I think this plan is reasonable and would appreciate your agreement and/or input. If we do agree I will have my lawyer file the order after LO is born. If communication cannot remain civil I will keep all future communication between our legal representatives."

That is my current plan after talking it over with my lawyer on Friday.. I'm in Ontario so my current plan was to not put him on the birth certificate and if he wants visitation he has to petition the court and establish paternity at his own cost. I do, however, worry that he will present this as my trying to intentionally keep him from meeting/seeing his son and ultimately losing more custody by trying to keep him out of the picture. So that's my number one question for the lawyer on Friday, I was more or less wondering if anyone had been through something similar and what the outcome was.

I have EVERYTHING documented, have in fact asked him not to communicate with me after he couldn't speak to me without swearing or calling me names. And he has since used that as "I'm holding our son hostage" unless he says exactly what I want him to say. So I am eager to get professional legal advice on how to handle him.

I've struggled because my first choice is not to have to go to court and prove to a judge that I am more fit to parent than he is, I had hoped from the beginning he would cooperate and want to co parent, I guess that's why I keep trying to have productive conversations with him and see if he's reconsidered mediation. He knows exactly what I'm asking for as I've typed up and sent him a custody agreement that I think is fair, it's been months now he's been saying he'll send his and still hasn't. Apparently it's in the process of being proof read by his lawyer and then it will be sent. 

But thank you for your input, I will talk to my lawyer on Friday about just keeping him off the birth certificate and hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass!