Deciding on sibling groups (how many?)

[perumom]

While we were filling out the paperwork for our dossier (international Adoption -Peru) we came across the choice of whether we would accept a single child or a sibling group.  DH and I talked and talked about it and we decided that we would put down that we are open to a sibling group.  The problem came later, I guess we did not specify how many siblings we would be open to .  Last week as we were talking to friends they asked that question and at the same time Hubby and I chimed in with "sibling groups of 3", "sibling groups of 2" respectively.  OMG how could we have dropped that ball!!  So now we went back to the drawing board so to speak.  I am trying to make my case for two while also respecting his opinion (if only in appearances  ) so he sides with me.  Any suggestions? or any pros and cons!  BTW we already have a bio 15 year old son.

[theatrepal]

Do you get to specify age ranges as well? I'd think with two you could potentially end up with younger kids. As soon as you step up to a group of three, I'd suspect at least one of them would be elementary school aged. Maybe if you guys think about age ranges a bit that might help with the discussion and subsequent decision.

How many bedrooms does your house have? Are you comfortable with kids sharing rooms? Would your bio son be sharing a room?

I know, I'm just asking more questions!

[perumom]

No no theatrepal, that is exactly what I need:) we really need to discuss EVERYTHING before we have another miscommunication . Well we live in a military base so the way it works is that depending on the number of children in the home (ages, genders etc) we are assigned a home with x number of bedrooms, so we could be moved to a bigger home to accommodate the family. So we currently live in a 3 bedroom with one child and we have specified the age range 0-5 with sibling groups (though infant is unlikely). Peru gives us those ages because of DH and my age, is my understanding. Anyway YES I had not thought about the child going right into school if they are 5-6 so we would have to think about that. Ughh I guess its good we are still waiting because these decisions are hard

[spooko]

No real advice other than you need to be really honest with yourselves and whoever has the smaller number "wins". It's only fair to the future children that you're not resentful and at your wits' end and overwhelmed.

[jenn]

Does you son have any input? If you could get him on your 'side', 2 against 1 always wins in my book.

[perumom]

HAHA!! That was my strategy too jenn, but he would love 4 if we let him! I'm going in with the idea that two will allow us time for them to always get individual mom or dad time, 3 would be harder in that respect. In the end I think he will understand that 2 makes more sense for our family and because we can offer so much more to each child. 3, whether bio or adopted is an overwhelming number to me.

[akafred]

I know things are different in IA vs foster care, but do you have the option of reviewing case by case? state you are open to 3 in the right age group and circumstances but you have full veto if the circumstances aren't right?

[pinkie]

I know this so isn't helpful the thought of having 4 kids is so overwhelming to me . If you think its too much stick to your guns with DH. Good luck making your decision.

[Captain Serious]

perumom

Some things you will want to consider are that the kids will likely face significant difficulties adjusting to their new lives. In addition to having a traumatic past, they will be moving to a new continent and country, where all the sounds, tastes, and even smells will be different. Even with your Peruvian heritage, they will be moving into a culture where English is their primary language and most of the people no longer look like them.

I bring all this up, because it will be a difficult transition, not just for them, but for your whole family. Often, children who are adopted together seek one another out for comfort, rather than looking for that bond with someone in their new family, which means it will take them longer to truly attach to you. The old saying is, "one you can double-team, two you can take one-on-one, but with three you're outnumbered." As silly as it sounds, it really is true in adoption.

When we brought J home, he never felt the need to attach to us, because he knew and related to M. He looked to M for all his needs, most of all for comfort. J's been with us for three years now, and we have just starting to bond on a deeper level within the last several months. He's still not sure we'll keep him forever. While M had a really rough, more explosive attachment period, his attachment happened much quicker and his moments of doubt are very infrequent. I believe a lot of this is because J had M to rely on, whereas M only had us.

What I'm trying to get at is that this isn't like having twins vs. triplets. You already know that these kids will have special needs resulting from their adoption. In addition to that, they may very well have needs beyond those. While the Peruvian authorities do their best to identify all a child's needs, they often don't have the resources to properly identify learning disorders. Delays are typical in children who have lived in orphanages and can mask more significant learning disabilities. Depending on their background, it's likely that the children may have faced malnourishment or insufficient prenatal care. All of these things can lead to developmental disorders that may mean that the children could have needs beyond any identified medical or other needs.

Both my sons entered school within a few months of coming home, and it was a difficult process to identify the full extent of their learning difficulties and get them the services they need due to a lack of historical information and educational track-records. They each had to struggle through at least one year without proper supports in school (M didn't get an appropriate IEP for two years), and once they did, we had to go through a year-long, emotional and costly law suit against the school, because they were trying to expedite M through school so they wouldn't have to pay for those services for the full length of his schooling.

Please know that I'm not trying to dissuade you from adopting a sibling group of any size, but if you haven't thought about it yet, you have to factor in that raising these children is going to be significantly more involved than raising biological children with no special needs. These needs will impact your life, in that they will demand extra time and entire stores of energy to maintain your family's pleasant quality of life. There will be extra doctor's visits, possible therapy visits (I recommend family therapy for every family adopting older children, but there may also be physical/occupational/speech/etc. therapies), tutoring (or extra time put in by you or your husband), and possibly a host of unforseen matters demanding extra time and attention. The one thing you don't want to do is stretch your family's resources too thin--especially when it comes to your time and energy--because that can lead to resentments and family issues down the road.

So whatever you decide, please take the time to really consider how much you can give while still maintaining a happy home life, because I imagine the whole reason you decided to adopt in the first place was to increase your happiness. Then, once you decide that, I urge you to consider situations on a case by case basis. While you don't really have the ability to be selective in a direct referral, you can review the Waiting Angels list to see if there is a sibling group you might consider. You can access their whole file, have a doctor familiar with adoption give you an evaluation and help you determine possible risks, and make better informed decisions, to ensure the success of the children and your family as a whole.

If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to me anytime.

[perumom]

Thanks you for everyone's input. I wanted to make sure I was considering EVERYTHING I could possibly consider before making any decision. Captain Serious, three would outnumber us for sure and we do want to be able to ease the transition and 'try' to anticipate any struggle they might face. Though we are waiting to be matched by Peru and I know they try to disclose the issues that I need to be aware of, we understand that you never know what was overlooked or develops later. I think we are going to take the weekend to discuss every possible scenario so we are making a decision that's best for the children our bio child and the entire family.

[Captain Serious]

Mar 20, 2015 12:59:18 GMT -5 perumom said:

Thanks you for everyone's input. I wanted to make sure I was considering EVERYTHING I could possibly consider before making any decision. Captain Serious, three would outnumber us for sure and we do want to be able to ease the transition and 'try' to anticipate any struggle they might face. Though we are waiting to be matched by Peru and I know they try to disclose the issues that I need to be aware of, we understand that you never know what was overlooked or develops later. I think we are going to take the weekend to discuss every possible scenario so we are making a decision that's best for the children our bio child and the entire family.

One thing you should be aware of, if you wait for Peru to match you, they don't like it if you turn down a referral. You can do it once, but if you do it a second time, they can (and likely will) throw you out of the program. If fact, they can throw you out after just the first time you turn down the referral if they don't like your reason.

This is different from the Waiting Angels list, because you can review the full files of any child on the list without repercussions.

[lbey]

Sometimes it is once to be open and when you receive a referral, then you decide what you can handle.