Older Child Adoptions - Supporting Adopting Friends

[estrellas]

So, preface: I live in India. The friends who are adopting are Americans, also living in India, who are adopting an Indian girl.

My friends are adopting a 7 year old, and have been in the process about 1.5 years - it'll likely be between 2 and 2.5 by the time they have her home (they're hoping for within the next few months, but have to get state approval next, which could take an unknown period). They have already gotten her a lot of things, so we are trying to avoid planning something like a baby shower/welcome-to-parenthood celebration with gifts for now. However, we'd still like to do something. 

Would you suggest waiting until they have their daughter home and have a better gauge on adjustment to have a celebration, or should we plan it as something before she joins them, like a  baby shower for a woman/couple in the 3rd trimester? 

Are there any particular "care and feeding of friends who live two doors down who are adopting a 7-year-old-or-thereabouts" suggestions you have? We've already said we'll help them with whatever they need while they're settling in as a family, and will wait to hear from them as they have their alone-time to find out when we can come meet her and say hello. At the same time, most of the resources I can find are about adopting infants or toddlers, or a child who's been in foster care and is adopted as a teen... so I'm hoping some of you folks might have some suggestions!

Thank you in advance!

[Captain Serious]

I don't know what the process is like in India, so I don't know how much contact they have with the girl now, or how much the girl understands what's going on, so take this with a grain of salt.

Typically in adoption, it is recommended that the parents "cocoon" their child to help with bonding. This generally means that the parents should keep things very simple in the first few months (generally recommended up to six months), so that the child gains an understanding of what everyday life within the family will be like. During that time, only the parents should provide any care-giving functions (feeding, bathing, clothing, putting to sleep, etc.), and it is recommended that big parties and over-night guests not be allowed in the home.

At the same time, the child is adjusting to a whole new life. The child will likely be unsure of new rules and their place in the family, and may not feel comfortable as the center of attention. The child may not want to celebrate the adoption too much, because subconsciously, they likely aren't convinced of it's permanency.

So, if you want to have a celebration for them after the adoption, it's generally better for it to a low-key be outside their home. You may want their to be activities that take the focus and pressure off the child. I'm thinking a day at a park, or some other way to build happy memories without any pressure.

[milehighmama]

It is hard to know what is needed until the child comes into a home. One thing that I found helpful was having meals delivered. Finding time to cook was a challenge in the beginning, having that taken off my plate was a huge help.

[NariaDreaming]

Mar 20, 2015 18:54:17 GMT -5 milehighmama said:

It is hard to know what is needed until the child comes into a home. One thing that I found helpful was having meals delivered. Finding time to cook was a challenge in the beginning, having that taken off my plate was a huge help.

I'm going to ditto this suggestion. Also offering to run errands for them (groceries, etc) or helping with household chores.

[irismorning]

I have a really good friend who has been trying to adopt a little girl in India who has been in her custody for 7+ years. She is also nearing completion!

As a parent who adopted "older" children I will echo the meal delivery. Perhaps set up a network of friends who will drop off or have food delivered 3 times a week or so for the first several weeks. I would stress that this is to be food drop off (not drop off and hang out for a few hours). I found that sometimes having food dropped off was more stressful than just cooking because everyone wanted to come in an "meet" the kids and talk about how everything was going. I sometimes just wanted to say "you are dropping off food to make my life easier, please go away and make my life easier. )