making new friends with a possible special needs family

[sarahandeddie]

A few weeks ago DH and I double dated with one of his coworkers. The wife and I hit it off and we're talking about getting the kids together. Their little boy is going to be turning 3 soon. I've invited her a few places and she's never accepted.

While we were out she mentioned their son is in speech. The husband told DH that he doesn't talk at all. There are also a few things on her FB page that lead me to believe it's more than just a speech delay. I have no problem with my girls playing with their son, regardless of his abilities. I'm just wondering if this is possibly why she's declined the invites.

Any thoughts? I'm hoping it's not just me she doesn't want to be around!

**I wasn't sure how to word this post and absolutely do not want to offend anyone. If I have said anything offensive please let me know. I know we have some awesome J12 kiddos that have different abilities and would never want to offend them or their awesome J12 mommas!

[xanthepants]

Hmmm - I'd be interested in seeing what others have to say. But I guess I'm all for honesty is the best policy. Approach her by saying that you enjoy her company and would love for your kids to meet and spend time together. That you have friends with kids who have some needs and have some understanding if there is trepidation there but that you would still love to get together and be accomodating to her and her child's needs or abilities but think it would be great to have the kids play/interact together.

[aimeefarrahfowler]

Maybe her son doesn't do well in new environments? I know a lot of kids with sensory issues have a hard time with new places and it can be overwhelming for them. Without knowing what needs her son has, it's hard to say.

The easiest thing for them might be a play date at home, but how do you suggest that without inviting yourself over? Do you know where she lives? Maybe just something simple like "We were going to be in that area and I'd love to come by and introduce the kids" and offer to bring lunch or something.

[aylafsu1881]

I agree with PP's. It may be an issue with the places you are suggesting, which has caused her to decline the offers. Maybe you can just put an open ended invite out to have her pick a place/event that would work well. This way she can pick a place that her son would be comfortable with.

ETA: Or her son may be on a stricter schedule due to his needs. From what i have read some special needs kids really focus on routine. It keeps them comfortable and knowing what to expect next. Maybe have her pick a time that works best for her son.

[bantyrooster]

I agree he may not do well in groups. Maybe just say you would love to get the kids together and ask what would work for her?

[mrsrek10]

A lot of the families that I work with do have anxiety about taking their children places or around others. These kids have Autism generally and while they look like everyone else, they have some behaviors that make them stand out. Unfortunately, since their children look just like every other child, they often feel judged for their mothering by others out and about. So, I do think that many moms (not all) do feel hesitant on how to be social with their child. Also, some children on the Spectrum may that can not speak may communicate their needs/wants roughly, aggressively, or may do things like scream or cry while trying to voice their desires. A lot of moms are scared of their child harming or scaring another child or again of feeling judged.

Now, granted this is not every mom and I am just relaying some of the concerns that I hear from Moms.. I work with 2 children (1-age 4 and 1- in 1st grade) currently because their moms are wanting them to learn how to be around other kids and have friends. The 1st grader's mom is more social now but talks about how long it took her to be comfortable out because if the child got upset, he would often scream loudly and begin to wail... a trip to Target was impossible for her until he had some training. The 4 year old's mom has the goal of being able to go to family gatherings and church because she said even those "safe" places don't understand the child's behaviors and makes comments to her about how she should discipline him more.

The moms that I work with are open to questions so maybe as you develop more of relationship over time, you can begin to ask questions about what would her child like to do? Mainly, the moms I work with seem to appreciate people having the same kind of genuine interest in their kids as we like for people to have with our "typicals". They don't want the focus to just be on the "special" parts... as a matter of fact, some in the disability community are offended by the term "special needs" because they feel like it puts the focus on the differences instead of the similarities.

Did I make any sense to anyone else? lol

[USCgirl]

I think you worded it totally fine and I agree that honesty is the best policy. I would just tell her that you would love for the kids to get together sometime and to let you know what works best for them. That way, you are on their turf and their son will be more comfortable? Just a thought.

I think it is wonderful of you to offer for the girls to have a play date knowing that he might have some type of disability. I want my LO to understand that not everyone is the same and am also open to her playing with most other kids (assuming they are not mean to her). My sister's husband's brother (are you following??? haha!) has down's and is my age, but loves to play with LO when we see him. They have so much fun together!

[sarahandeddie]

Thanks for all the great advice! I briefly met the little boy because both of our DH's were doing the polar plunge. I heard him say a few words that I could understand. He was acting like a typical 2yr old to me (wanting to run around and check everything out). She mentioned he loves the mall play area. Maybe I'll see if they want to meet there and let her set the day and time if she says yes. I don't think Avery would think anything of his speech. DD#1 might ask questions but she knows how to discreetly ask.

Maybe it's the teacher in me but I want my kids to have a diverse range of friends. I want them to understand we are all different but that's what makes us all special.

[justbeth]

I would try inviting her out on a girls night for dinner or something. Maybe on an evening where her husband can stay home with her child. Maybe once you know each other better she would be more comfortable introducing the kids.

[origamimommy]

Mar 23, 2015 21:56:46 GMT -5 justbeth said:

I would try inviting her out on a girls night for dinner or something. Maybe on an evening where her husband can stay home with her child. Maybe once you know each other better she would be more comfortable introducing the kids.

I agree.