BTDT moms...I should probably let go, huh?

[jabs]

Sorry if this is an AWish post, but I could use some reassuring words.  Also, this is going to be long.

A bit of a back story, up until a few months ago we lived just minutes away from our families, but recently moved two hours away.  

MIL and FIL are wanting to come visit this weekend and I'm pretty sure she'll ask to take DS back home with them to stay a few days.  It makes me so nervous!  I know he'll be taken care of and that he'll have fun, I can't really think of a solid excuse not to let him go.   He has stayed with people overnight, multiple times.  But not more than one night at a time and not so far away.  

What worries me most, MIL not making sure the car seat is properly secured and that he's strapped in right.  Long story short she was helping me move the car seat once and I was so frustrated because no matter what I did the car seat would move back and forth with the slightest touch.  She was ok with just leaving it that way.  I do not half ass car seat safety.  

I'm afraid of DS being around SIL.  She's not mentally stable and she gets physically violent with MIL.  A while back when my MIL was watching DS my SIL went off on MIL and though she didn't get violent she still scared him.  MIL still let her around him a couple of times after that and after I told her that I did not want SIL around him without DH or I there as well.  My SIL doesn't live with them anymore but I'm worried that SIL will show up and MIL won't do anything or let us know about it.  

Lastly I'm afraid my mother will see them around town and get pissed off, I just don't want to have to deal with that.  That might sound ridiculous, but you don't know my mom (she once threw a fit and threatened my sister with legal action because she didn't think my sister was letting her see her kids enough.)  It's highly likely she has a few of her own mental issues going on. There's no way in hell I'd let my mother drive with DS let alone spend a few days with her, but that's another long story.

There's also the fact that MIL lets DS do whatever the hell he wants and would let the kid live off of cheetos and candy.  She tends to forget every rule I set.  But I think that's a grandma thing, grandmas seem to think they can do whatever they want with their grandkids, so I don't think I could use that as a valid excuse.

Anyway, DS is 4 and I know he'd have a great time.  Would you let your kid(s) go? Should I just express my concerns to DH and have him stress them to MIL?   

[spartykim]

I don't know what to tell you. DH and you could make sure the car seat was properly installed before they left your house but that doesn't take care of the rest of your worries.

Both my mom & MIL live far away & have offered to babysit DD while they're visiting so DH & I could go out by ourselves and I've never taken the offer. DD is 2.5 and is so strong-willed and goes into fits if you don't help her with something she's asking for, for instance. I just can't get over the fact that if they watched her, they wouldn't know what she was saying (still can be hard to understand) and DD would be throwing one fit after another. I know she'd survive but I've never chosen to take the chance.

[Deleted]

That is tough. I think I would let him go this time and see how it goes. When she comes to pick him up you should reiterate your rules, especially the car seat safety and the no SIL. I think for a weekend you will have to let the food stuff go.

[jabs]

Jan 20, 2015 8:41:27 GMT -5 spartykim said:

I don't know what to tell you. DH and you could make sure the car seat was properly installed before they left your house but that doesn't take care of the rest of your worries.

Both my mom & MIL live far away & have offered to babysit DD while they're visiting so DH & I could go out by ourselves and I've never taken the offer. DD is 2.5 and is so strong-willed and goes into fits if you don't help her with something she's asking for, for instance. I just can't get over the fact that if they watched her, they wouldn't know what she was saying (still can be hard to understand) and DD would be throwing one fit after another. I know she'd survive but I've never chosen to take the chance.

We would install the car seat for them, but if they bring FIL's truck over I'm sure she'll want to put the car seat in her car when they get home.  That's why I mentioned. it.

[Deleted]

That's a tough decision. If you let him go, I would have a calm discussion with her restating your rules and that you expect her to follow them. My parents have 5 grandkids and all of us (their 3 daughters) are strict with them when it comes to diet and safety. We fully expect our parents to follow our rules. They do for the most part such as no soda, healthy meals, naps, etc. What they don't follow are the rules that are ok to break per say, like bedtime and having an extra snack, stuff like that. Our parents know that if they don't follow them, they won't get the grandkids. It's simple as that.

Now on the SIL subject I'd have H enforce the no SIL over unless you 2 are there or no grandson for a few days.

I am all about putting a foot down and having it "my way or no way" when it comes to my child. If others don't like it, oh well, they can get over it.

[skinandbones]

Jan 20, 2015 8:34:23 GMT -5 jabs said:

Sorry if this is an AWish post, but I could use some reassuring words.  Also, this is going to be long.

A bit of a back story, up until a few months ago we lived just minutes away from our families, but recently moved two hours away.  

MIL and FIL are wanting to come visit this weekend and I'm pretty sure she'll ask to take DS back home with them to stay a few days.  It makes me so nervous!  I know he'll be taken care of and that he'll have fun, I can't really think of a solid excuse not to let him go.   He has stayed with people overnight, multiple times.  But not more than one night at a time and not so far away.  

What worries me most, MIL not making sure the car seat is properly secured and that he's strapped in right.  Long story short she was helping me move the car seat once and I was so frustrated because no matter what I did the car seat would move back and forth with the slightest touch.  She was ok with just leaving it that way.  I do not half ass car seat safety.  

I'm afraid of DS being around SIL.  She's not mentally stable and she gets physically violent with MIL.  A while back when my MIL was watching DS my SIL went off on MIL and though she didn't get violent she still scared him.  MIL still let her around him a couple of times after that and after I told her that I did not want SIL around him without DH or I there as well.  My SIL doesn't live with them anymore but I'm worried that SIL will show up and MIL won't do anything or let us know about it.  

Lastly I'm afraid my mother will see them around town and get pissed off, I just don't want to have to deal with that.  That might sound ridiculous, but you don't know my mom (she once threw a fit and threatened my sister with legal action because she didn't think my sister was letting her see her kids enough.)  It's highly likely she has a few of her own mental issues going on. There's no way in hell I'd let my mother drive with DS let alone spend a few days with her, but that's another long story.

There's also the fact that MIL lets DS do whatever the hell he wants and would let the kid live off of cheetos and candy.  She tends to forget every rule I set.  But I think that's a grandma thing, grandmas seem to think they can do whatever they want with their grandkids, so I don't think I could use that as a valid excuse.

Anyway, DS is 4 and I know he'd have a great time.  Would you let your kid(s) go? Should I just express my concerns to DH and have him stress them to MIL?   

I stopped reading at the bolded.  My answer would be nope.  I think you have brought up some very valid safety concerns.  Not to mention (it sounds as though) you don't feel respected as your son's parent.    If you don't think your rules and boundaries (like a properly installed car seat) will be followed, then I won't let DS go.  The kicker is that you think she just won't tell you. 

It is not a "grandma" thing.  My mom and MIL follow our rules when watching DS (granted his only a year and a half).  What does your DH think? 

[jabs]

Jan 20, 2015 9:38:34 GMT -5 skinandbones said:

Jan 20, 2015 8:34:23 GMT -5 jabs said:

Sorry if this is an AWish post, but I could use some reassuring words.  Also, this is going to be long.

A bit of a back story, up until a few months ago we lived just minutes away from our families, but recently moved two hours away.  

MIL and FIL are wanting to come visit this weekend and I'm pretty sure she'll ask to take DS back home with them to stay a few days.  It makes me so nervous!  I know he'll be taken care of and that he'll have fun, I can't really think of a solid excuse not to let him go.   He has stayed with people overnight, multiple times.  But not more than one night at a time and not so far away.  

What worries me most, MIL not making sure the car seat is properly secured and that he's strapped in right.  Long story short she was helping me move the car seat once and I was so frustrated because no matter what I did the car seat would move back and forth with the slightest touch.  She was ok with just leaving it that way.  I do not half ass car seat safety.  

I'm afraid of DS being around SIL.  She's not mentally stable and she gets physically violent with MIL.  A while back when my MIL was watching DS my SIL went off on MIL and though she didn't get violent she still scared him.  MIL still let her around him a couple of times after that and after I told her that I did not want SIL around him without DH or I there as well.  My SIL doesn't live with them anymore but I'm worried that SIL will show up and MIL won't do anything or let us know about it.  

Lastly I'm afraid my mother will see them around town and get pissed off, I just don't want to have to deal with that.  That might sound ridiculous, but you don't know my mom (she once threw a fit and threatened my sister with legal action because she didn't think my sister was letting her see her kids enough.)  It's highly likely she has a few of her own mental issues going on. There's no way in hell I'd let my mother drive with DS let alone spend a few days with her, but that's another long story.

There's also the fact that MIL lets DS do whatever the hell he wants and would let the kid live off of cheetos and candy.  She tends to forget every rule I set.  But I think that's a grandma thing, grandmas seem to think they can do whatever they want with their grandkids, so I don't think I could use that as a valid excuse.

Anyway, DS is 4 and I know he'd have a great time.  Would you let your kid(s) go? Should I just express my concerns to DH and have him stress them to MIL?   

I stopped reading at the bolded.  My answer would be nope.  I think you have brought up some very valid safety concerns.  Not to mention (it sounds as though) you don't feel respected as your son's parent.    If you don't think your rules and boundaries (like a properly installed car seat) will be followed, then I won't let DS go.  The kicker is that you think she just won't tell you. 

It is not a "grandma" thing.  My mom and MIL follow our rules when watching DS (granted his only a year and a half).  What does your DH think? 

I'm sure that DH would totally be fine with it.  His family can do no wrong in his eyes.  I know that he would listen to my concerns, but he has a problem with expressing them to his parents.  He doesn't want to hurt their feelings.

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one that would have reservations about the situation.  Sometimes I can't be sure if I have a valid reason or if I'm overreacting.  

[Deleted]

Jan 20, 2015 9:47:52 GMT -5 jabs said:

Jan 20, 2015 9:38:34 GMT -5 skinandbones said:

I'm sure that DH would totally be fine with it.  His family can do no wrong in his eyes.  I know that he would listen to my concerns, but he has a problem with expressing them to his parents.  He doesn't want to hurt their feelings.
 

Then you should speak with them if he won't. And honestly this might sound harsh, but it's not about THEIR feelings, it's about the safety of YOUR child. And when it comes to the safety of your child, well as we like to say here, it can't be all rainbows and unicorns.

[Deleted]

I would have reservations about my child's safety (be it carseat or SIL). Any reservation about that would make me think twice about allowing him to go. Sounds like a good conversation needs to be had!

[pmcd886]

Personally, I wouldn't. You have voiced valid concerns about his safety. If she asks why explain your reasoning. Maybe she will understand how big of a deal these things are to you.

The whole "grandma" excuse doesn't fly with me. My kids, my rules. Obviously having dessert after dinner, watching a cartoon, staying up a little late, or getting a toy at the store are ok. However, bending the rules so that my my child's safety and well-being are no longer ensured is definitely unacceptable.

[skinandbones]

Jan 20, 2015 9:47:52 GMT -5 jabs said:

Jan 20, 2015 9:38:34 GMT -5 skinandbones said:

I'm sure that DH would totally be fine with it.  His family can do no wrong in his eyes.  I know that he would listen to my concerns, but he has a problem with expressing them to his parents.  He doesn't want to hurt their feelings.

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one that would have reservations about the situation.  Sometimes I can't be sure if I have a valid reason or if I'm overreacting.  

I have no advice but wanted to offer my sympathies. I've in a similar position with my DH even down to being unsure if you're overreacting to things.

[cubberss]

I wouldn't. And as his mom, you don't need any valid excuse to say no to something. If you're not comfortable, then that's all the matters.

[aelias]

Just piling on at this point, but, as PPs have said, your concerns are valid and you should stand firm on your boundaries when it comes to safety.

It's not quite the same thing, but here's a similar experience we had. FIL is into guns, and keeps guns in the house. From the the beginning, we set some very clear rules about how the guns are to be treated when our son is there. They should be unloaded, stored in a safe, ammo stored in a separate, safe location. Over the top? Maybe. But he's our son, and these are our rules. Fortunately, FIL respected them, and we haven't had a problem.

All of this is to say--know what your boundaries are, and stick to your guns (so to speak )

[gidgetgirl08]

My opinion FWIW... If there are any doubts whatsoever that your child will be completely safe while in the care of someone else (family or not) I wouldn't let them go. If an explanation other than "Because I said no" is required list out your reasons. You're reasons are valid and even if they weren't, you're the mom and sometimes we have gut feelings (that aren't always explainable) for a reason. Trust that feeling. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

[tmclawchick]

I echo what was said. The carseat isn't as concerning as your SIL. If you have concerns for your child's safety, I'd definitely stick to your guns and make your concerns known... I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I hope you can find a resolution!

[seeca022]

I am on team No. I think the SIL one is the one that would stop me.

He is 4, so I don't think the not knowing would be an issue, he would probably tell you if Aunt so so was around but the worrying if she will have an outburst and scare DS is what would bother me. My Dad and my Mom got into one night (my dad has a short fuse... it's always words, nothing crazy/severe) and he was yelling because my Mom dented/scratched her car on accident pulling into the garage. DS (2 in Feb) cried. It makes me sad to think that if I wasn't there to remove DS from the situation that he would have sat there and cried, confused, as to why his "Poppa" was yelling.

I told my Dad if he ever yelled like that in front of DS again he can consider his time with DS gone/greatly reduced.