After your wonderful welcome and encouragements to dive right in, here I am!
Today MH and I have two phone calls set up with two separate, national agencies that are a bit bigger. There is a third large agency we are interested in that has not yet contacted us, so I will try to reach out personally to them today too.
We also have information packets being sent to us from a few smaller agencies (local, non profits.) we plan to read them over and go to at least one of their open houses next week, and will be talking to a sister of a friend who is a family law attorney. Can you tell we are ready to get this damn party started?
My question to you beautiful people: how do we rank these bad boys? I've looked online and in books for insight but it seems pretty general- going with your gut, making sure the agency offers solid resources and has a good track record, etc- but that just says to me, "you'll want to go with a national agency." Is bigger really better? Admittedly I see their placement numbers and feel more confident about them than the smaller local places, but I don't know if that's fair. I've cruised some websites for things worth asking about, but once wehave that information, how do we choose?! And how long did it take you to make a decision-- does it really come down to going with your gut?
We went with an agency that that has a local office we could deal with but has multiple offices over 6 states. It was important to us to have a Social Worker who was local and someone we could deal with face to face. We also went with our agency because MH knew a couple who adopted through the same agency as well as one who was still waiting to be placed, so we talked to both couples to see how they would rate their experience. Both came back with nothing but wonderful things to say so we felt very confident in our decision.
It's definitely a gut decision. You will be working with these people for a long time, even well after placement, so you want someone you feel comfortable with and someone who can answer all your questions. There were the questions I asked each agency I was looking into:
How long, once approved from the home study, does a match usually take? In the case of the Expectant mom chooses to parent instead of adoption, what happens in those scenarios – financially speaking? With DH's medical history (testicular cancer and MS), do you foresee any issues with passing the physical requirements or having this affect our placement chances? Do you have cradle care or transitional care available? What is your statistical rate for attempted adoptions vs. finalized adoptions? What does the money for placement costs cover exactly?
FWIW, our agency name has 4 words and rhymes with 'fart'
TTC # 1 Since October 2010 (Not preventing since 2009) November 2013: Applied & Accepted by the Agency January 2014: Home Study, education class, Profiles February 14, 2014: "Officially Waiting" April 5th, 2015: Got "The Call" April 7th, 2015: Brought home our son
1) how many waiting families and on average how many placements per year (ideally you want this number to be close to 1:1 so in theory your wait should be 1 year or less) 2) about what percentage of placements are the type you are looking for (I.e. Race/ethnicity, drug/alcohol exposure, etc) 3) when is money due and what could be lost in a failed match or disruption 4) obviously want to ask about overall cost 5) how are any expectant parent expenses handled (I.e. All APs contribute to a pool vs individual APs cover the specific situation) 6) what counseling pre and post match are available to EPs/BPs
Now local vs national...a local agency can be great if their response to number 1 is favorable. Be sure to ask about stats for the past several years. A national agency is like going to a large university. You have more available to you but you are one of many and may (may, not will) get less specific attention. We started local and after 6 months realized it was not going to happen so we joined an agency that worked across a few states. See if the agencies can offer a family who adopted through them you can talk to and ask questions.
If I think of more I will come back and reply again
I am not with DIA, but I learned from friends who are that it is extremely important to have an agency that has good support to the EP and is responsive to you and EP.
I think we are leaning towards a law center. We talked to a bunch of different agencies (local and national) and the law center best aligns with our idea of this journey. our only concern is that there are some pretty bad reviews of it online, but from a few years ago. We read carefully and were able to see a lot of complaints appeared to be issues with things folks clearly didn't realize were in the contract, or about communication issues - stuff we can overlook because we are happy with the level of contact and attention so far, and we have reviewed the contract so we know what to expect... But still.
It looks like the issues have been remedied, and we have a follow up call with our consultant on Tuesday and I plan to ask her about it then- but are these old reviews extreme red flags? After seeing them, we asked for names of couples who have adopted through them so we could reach out and get personal experiences; almost all are in the process of second adoption with the center, their first happening at the time the bad reviews cropped up.
If I hear the right things from adoptive parents and the consultant, I can definitely let the bad reviews go- they really are no more recent than 2012, and a lot can change In that time- but I don't know if my excitement to begin the process is outweighing logic. Even with these old issues, MH and I prefer the law center leaps and bounds over the other agencies we've spoken to. Thoughts?
If it feels right to you, I'd say run with it. We were down to two agencies when we made our decision. It 100% came down to gut feeling. If you dig around long enough, I believe you'll always find bad reviews about agencies.
The state we live in only allows agencies so I don't know much about a law center. Will they arrange for EP counseling? woukd the laws for TPR vary between using an agency vs non agency? What kind of money could you lose in a failed match?
Hi there! I'd just like to chime in with how important I feel expectant and birth patent counseling is. I would Ask them what they offered. Many EP's and BP's don't have the funds to make counseling happen on their own (often a large factor in their choice to place) and it is so desperately needed. You can legally only provide counseling for them up to 4-6 weeks after placement depending on your state, and that is truly not enough. I and most birth parents I know have relied heavily on being able to call a birthmom counselor at the agency and be able to talk at any time. My agency doesn't even offer actual counseling but even having a social worker who constantly checks in on me is huge.
Also, our agency provided us with four pages (literally) of references spanning 2013 - 2015. The fact that they gave us hundreds of names to contact (hundreds of people who said they were comfortable being references) made me feel at ease before I even reached out. Did you have many people to choose from as a reference?
I second the question about what money can be lost in a disruption or failed match.
Also - will your program fee expire? I've been wary of agencies or orgs who will make you "re-up" after a year or two for marketing or anything else.
Lastly - trust your gut for sure. Sometimes it just feels right and that's the most important thing.
---- 39 years old, MH is 43 TTC since 2010; Dx Unexplained Infertility; possible male factor 6 IUIs, 1 IVF, 2 FETs, 1 mmc, 1 CP Started Adoption process Feb 2015, officially waiting July 2015
my initial concern with the law center is that they are very focused on the adoptive parents; which is great for us, but potentially scary for expecting parents... it's obviously extremely important that they aren't exploited in this process. The reality of their mission really just means more thorough background checks/medical history completion of EPs, more attention paid to getting our story out there to find a match, stuff around those lines. I voiced my concerns about EPs getting enough support from the center and as it turns out, part of our payment goes towards specialized housing for the birthmother; i also confirmed they do offer counseling, as well as a mentoring program with other birthparents who had previously decided on placing for adoption... so that made me feel way more comfortable.
in terms of lost funds; any money spent towards a match that ends with disruption will basically be funneled back into the center towards a future adoption; if we are not matched again within 6 months, we have the opportunity to get a majority of our money back if we choose to part ways, which is fine by us. MH and I already had a long talk about the investment perspective of adoption, which is why we want to be totally certain on the folks we go with- we are committing to them for better or worse in this process, and we really won't give up until we have our child in our arms (which is to say, we are prepared for the risk of a failed match too.) there is no expiration of program fees, luckily!
i am super impressed that you were able to get so many referrals, lizblue. we got about 5, which is still enough for me. to be honest getting names at all was enough for me! i am too easy to please.
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