Insensitive family or just sensitive mother?

[eddiegotsole]

So recently I've been getting lots of comments for the pics of my son that I share with family (both mine and my wife's).  I've been getting a lot of comments that my son, at 2 months old, strongly resembles me.  I expect that from my side of the family but I'm also getting it from my wife's side as well.  Now my wife is taking it a bit personal and getting upset.  She feels sad that no one is offering to point out our son's resemblance to her and feels like she's getting no credit in the matter.  

Obviously I am happy to have a son that looks like me but I want to be sensitive to my wife so I can't really express my joy.  I often point out to her how much his expressions remind me of her but its not enough for her to hear it from me.  I don't know what I can do since most of the family commenting lives on the opposite coast.    My wife is dropping hints but no one is picking up her signals and its getting her frustrated.  

[mehlaknee]

I think its interesting that so many studies have shown that newborns come out with strong resemblance of their fathers. I looked them up myself and found many of them claiming it is evolutionary as a "natural paternity test" and a way for fathers to bond with their babies. Since we are the ones pregnant and bonding for 9 months, its harder for fathers to feel the connection until the birth. I thought it was fascinating. I am sure not true in all cases but the fact that so many people have actually taken the time to do the research means there might be something there....

now i am not saying you should go to your wife with this. She is being sensitive and probably feeling left out, after all. it was her who carried the child. I do not think your family - or hers - is being insensitive. Its always fun to talk about who the baby looks like. There really is not much you can do to fix the situation besides going to family and quietly telling them that they should mention characteristics that remind them of her too...but she might catch on to that and get upset.

wow - as i typed that i realized that it probably doesnt help you at all! haha, im sorry. hang in there. I think as your son grows older she might be less sensitive to it and will get over it. keep doing what youre doing - even if she doesnt believe you or its not enough, remind her how much he reminds you of her...

[Deleted]

I think your wife is being sensitive. I have 2 boys. Both have looked like their father at times and like me at other time. Currently, I think my older boy (6yr) looks more like me and my younger boy (5yr) looks more like my husband).

I agree that I don't think there that much you can do. I mean, if he looks like you he looks like you. :-) Let her know that kids resemble each of their parents at different times. From what I have seen in general, boys tend to resemble their fathers and girls tend to resemble their mothers (as in throughout life not just one stage or one day). It isn't true of every single boy and girl of course.

[mrspadfoot]

Yes, your wife is being sensitive (not that it's unreasonable to be sensitive about this). There really isn't much you can do aside from what you already are.

Like PP, I've read that infants often look more like their fathers at first. My son resembled his father for the first 6 months, however, now he's all me.

[tjr42px]

Ditto to the above. There seems to be something evolutionary about it. Not 100% of the time but a fair amount of the time early on this tends to be the case; that kiddos look like dad. I agree with PP that you can quietly talk to your family, but otherwise not a lot to do other than what you are. Your wife is sensitive to the issue, but I wouldn't say overly so. I'd probably be feeling something similar. Pointing out the similarities you do see is good, but over doing it or if it seems like you're reaching it may backfire.

Our first looked a lot like me when he was born. Then over time looked more like my wife and now people say he looks like like me again. LO 2.0 is said to look just like our first when he was born. No one has said he looks like my wife or like me, just that he looks like our first. I don't even know if people would say he looks like me because there is a new frame of reference. But just because your son looks slightly more like you doesn't mean he does share features with your wife too. Not easy to explain to your wife who is thinking more about the way it makes her feel nor do I think you should.

Her feelings are her feelings and she has every right to have them. I think even just acknowledging her frustration/disappointment, etc. like you have goes along way. She may even be thinking that her feelings ARE being too sensitive and judging herself for having them, but in truth its a pretty normal response. I find like most things in life, our feelings are our feelings, but its the manufactured judgement we have for the natural way of being that actually bring us down.

[eddiegotsole]

Thanks everyone for the feedback! My wife seems to be over it for now, or at least on to other stuff like laughing at our son's dancing attempts! I do know that her feelings will likely come back once someone makes a new comment about how much he looks like me so I just home everyone viewing pictures have gotten that out of their systems!

Our son is getting to be very expressive right now and if anything else that reminds me of my wife!

[LizInFL]

Jan 21, 2015 11:13:37 GMT -5 eddiegotsole said:

Thanks everyone for the feedback! My wife seems to be over it for now, or at least on to other stuff like laughing at our son's dancing attempts! I do know that her feelings will likely come back once someone makes a new comment about how much he looks like me so I just home everyone viewing pictures have gotten that out of their systems!

Our son is getting to be very expressive right now and if anything else that reminds me of my wife!

This exactly. Our 13 month-old looks exactly like me (his mom)...or really, my dad. It was obvious from the moment he was born Dh has been a good sport about it. Now that DS is getting older, I try to point out qualities in his mannerisms or personality that remind me of DH. There are a lot of characteristics I hope he'll get from my husband. 

Another anecdote: I am the feminine version of my dad, and have been since day 1. My mom says when she first saw me, there was such a strong resemblance that she gave up all hope of ever having a child resemble her! Lo and behold, my sister is the spitting image of my mom--so my parents ended up having one of each. So maybe the next baby (if there is one) will take after your wife...it does happen:) 

[Deleted]

If you can find a baby picture of her that looks like your son, post the two together on FB. I know that I tend to think the baby looks like whichever parent I know the best, but those side-by-side comparisons can change my mind pretty quickly. It's sometimes easier to see a resemblance in an old picture of the parent. It might help.

[eddiegotsole]

Jan 21, 2015 18:25:25 GMT -5 @squeakeyduck said:

If you can find a baby picture of her that looks like your son, post the two together on FB. I know that I tend to think the baby looks like whichever parent I know the best, but those side-by-side comparisons can change my mind pretty quickly. It's sometimes easier to see a resemblance in an old picture of the parent. It might help.

Great advice!  I actually did that shortly after our son was born, but it may be time for a new update now that he is 2 months!  Now that I think about it, it is multi fold.  He is a boy, at this point he is more my skin tone than my wife's (she is darker), he has my eyes so its easier to notice than other features right now, I am away from my family so the pics will obviously remind them of me.  

Funny thing is that when DW was pregnant she was hoping DS looked like me because she "didn't think she'd make a good looking boy". 

[somebabiesmom]

Your wife is definitely being sensitive. Is she normally sensitive on stuff like this? If not, she should get checked for post-partum depression. All PPD is is a continuation of your hormones being out of whack from the pregnancy. There shouldn't be any stigma, but unfortunately there is. Hopefully you can run this by her without any throwback.

[eddiegotsole]

Jan 22, 2015 7:13:02 GMT -5 somebabiesmom said:

Your wife is definitely being sensitive. Is she normally sensitive on stuff like this? If not, she should get checked for post-partum depression. All PPD is is a continuation of your hormones being out of whack from the pregnancy. There shouldn't be any stigma, but unfortunately there is. Hopefully you can run this by her without any throwback.

I have a feeling that bringing up PPD to my wife would be akin to asking her if PMS is the reason she's moody!     But to answer your question, my wife deep down is a pretty sensitive person, although she puts on a tough exterior!  She often doesn't speak up to people in situations like this, but she does confide in me quite often.  

[somebabiesmom]

Sometimes it has to come from the right person - usually the doctor. If you ever start to feel like your wife is different than she used to be (in an unhappy or anxious way), even if it's just a little, call her doctor to give her a heads up.

I don't think PPD is a huge deal or anything (it can be, but different discussion), I just know that right now is a really wonderful time (baby wake-ups and mini-bodily-explosions aside) and even a little PPD means you're not enjoying it as much as you could be. It's like letting her sleep through a movie that you know she'd really love.

Good luck! You sound like a great dad and husband!

[schnitz9]

I think its cute that he looks like you. Our little guy is gonna be here with-in a few weeks. I actually hope he looks more like my DH. My DH has a cute baby face that I love and it would be great if our son took after him. Some women are a bit more sensitive to it. But I think its more understandable when its a little boy looking like their dad.

[lucilleaustero]

Your wife was me. DD was my husband's twin. And since he is Mediterranean and Middle Eastern and I look like a freaking leprachaun, I mean she looked nothing like me. I knew she was his twin; I do have eyeballs. But, it still hurt to have everyone talk about how much she looked like him. I know it was not rational, but I carried her and had her and she did not look like she came from me at all.

My husband did what you are doing. You can't help what others are goign to say. Just keep reminding her that you see similarities there.

Flashfoward to 3.5 years later and she is my kid. Her expression, her demeanor. She still looks like him, but there is more of me in there now. And when DS was born in August, he came out looking like a leprachaun. His hair is even coming in reddish. Now, my husband gets it.

[sonofkrypton]

I see a fear in her. You said on another post you had lost a daughter. I don't think she is over that incident. I see it as you have your son that looks like you, but she has not daughter to look like her. I may be wrong but that is what I am getting from this. If I am not wrong she will be happier or less irritable if she has a daughter to love. But again I could be wrong.

[eddiegotsole]

Feb 3, 2015 19:47:27 GMT -5 sonofkrypton said:

I see a fear in her. You said on another post you had lost a daughter. I don't think she is over that incident. I see it as you have your son that looks like you, but she has not daughter to look like her. I may be wrong but that is what I am getting from this. If I am not wrong she will be happier or less irritable if she has a daughter to love. But again I could be wrong.

That's a very good theory, I know she does still miss our daughter.  Even though having our son has made it easier in some ways it has also made it harder.  I'm not sure if that is the reason for her feeling the way she does, but it definitely may be a factor.  


IMO he is starting to take on more of her characteristics though he still has mine as well.  There is a good mix and I hope she can really see herself in him because I definitely do see it! 

[sonofkrypton]

I have found most women get attached must faster than us men. And it is hard to let go. I let go But there is always that small amount that haunts me. I am glad I could shed some thought on a reason or at least part of a reason why your wife is uppity about your boy not sharing looks