WWYD N13?

[LizInFL]

I had a friend from high school who I stayed in touch with sporadically throughout college and a bit afterwards. The majority of my 20s passed without seeing/hearing from her, except for random Facebook messages she'd occasionally send that I would politely respond to. TBH I feel like we don't have much in common anymore and for a variety of reasons, I'm just not really interested in staying in touch or resuming our friendship.

We went through this several years back when we both lived here, and I was constantly putting off her invitations to lunch, etc. Recently, it has come to a head, so to speak, as she just moved back to our hometown (where we are now living). She continues to reach out through FB and I think with the least bit of encouragement, she'll be asking to get together, etc. So far, my passive-aggressive response has been to delay responding to her messages, ignore them occasionally, etc. It feels rude, but I think it would feel even worse to flat-out tell her I'm not interested in being friends again, or blocking her on FB (DH's suggestion). 

So, if you've made it this far, WWYD? 

[mishkaroni]

My gut tells me just let her know you're not interested in keeping on with a friendship.


What I actually would do, is keep doing what you're doing. I can be a real bitch, but I still find it hard to intentionally hurt someone that I was once close with.

[rebeccag428]

I would just keep blowing her off and hope she'll get the hint. If she ever called me out on it then I would own up and tell the truth.

Just curious, what's the reason you don't want to meet up with her?

[leopardgurl831]

First you can't see the poll on the app

I would just tell her you aren't interested so she stops trying, but nicely. Like hey we are at different stages of our lives or I'm too busy being a Mom. If you block her I'm sure she would notice and that would be worse then just telling her.

[LizInFL]

rebeccag428 The biggest reason is that we just don't have much in common anymore. Different interests, different places in our lives. In the past when we've gotten together, there wasn't much to talk about once we had caught each other up to the present, if that makes sense. The other big thing (and this is going to sound really awful) is I just don't overly care for her personality. Without boring you to tears, I think I've changed a lot since HS and I don't think she really has.

ETA: I keep hoping she will take the hint but she hasn't. I think part of it is that she's new in town, relatively speaking, and probably lonely, but it's just not a relationship I want to pick back up with. And even when we weren't living in the same area, she was constantly sending messages, etc. Now it's just worse b/c we feasibly *could* get-together. I hate to be mean so that's why I've been dragging my feet. Thanks, all, for your responses!

[LizInFL]

all good points. @mellocello that's a good point...it's a big city but a small town at the same time..you can't go anywhere here without running into someone you know!

[untaggablekatie]

It seems to me like you've tried to let this friendship/relationship naturally fade away and that's not really computing with her.

My opinion is that it might be time to be a bit more clear about the situation on your end.

[Cherhorowitz]

I would just continue fading away. It would hurt me if someone told me they didn't want to be my friend so I would feel awful to do that to someone else.

[cagoldi]

As much as I usually prefer to be direct, it would feel weird to me to tell someone I just don't like them enough to grab coffee, go to lunch, etc. when she hasn't done anything unkind to you and it's just more of a personality difference.

I'm with Foxy, I'd probably just ignore her to the best of my ability and then decline requests to hang out.

[xolastunicornxo]

I'd hate to hurt someones feelings, especially if like you said it's more of just an issue of not having a lot in common. I think it would be different if there was a specific issue that had occurred and that was why you weren't interested in being friends anymore, then I would say be direct. I agree with most of the other posters to just ignore her and let it die out on it's own.

[LizInFL]

@sing2phins ha, i don't know what I mean by blocking. Unfriending maybe? That feels mean, too. Argh. I go back and forth. I feel like a huge jerk any which way I slice it, whether it's the slow fade/ignore or being upfront or what.

Coincidentally, I have a new message in my FB inbox from her as I type.

As someone said, it would be hurtful for someone to tell me they don't want to be friends, so that is not my first choice of how to handle it. With that said, I think I am better at picking up on social cues than this girl seems to be. If I reached out several times and got rebuffed, I'd move on. That hasn't happened here.

I think at this point, I'm just going to ignore all communication and see what happens. No half-hearted replies or delayed responses. It feels mean but that is what I do to the Mary Kay lady who harasses me and she survives, right?

[melaniesue05]

I'm in the exact same boat as you. And I'm doing the exact same thing. Not responding to texts and fb stuff. She hasn't contacted me in a while. I think she finally got the hint. I could never flat out tell her I don't want to hang out with her. I'll probably see her every once in a while when other friends are in town and we all get together but I'm just not interested in seeing her on a regular basis. She is SUCH a downer to hang out with. Even when we hang out in a group she tells the most depressing stories. It's painful.

[LizInFL]

shanbp no, she's single with no kids. So yes, I could play that card. In the past, I have played the "I work weekends", "busy with wedding planning", and "traveling a lot" cards (all true at their respective times!)

melaniesue05 it's tough! You have my sympathy. Fortunately, I'm not really in touch with any of our mutual friends from high school (other than random FB posts, etc) so there's no chance of having to socialize with her in a group setting.

[88sharonlee]

Ignore ignore ignore and just pretend you don't really check FB that often.
I agree taking actions like unfriending her or blocking her will make you feel bad, and hurt her feelings.
Sucks she isn't getting the hint but maybe she's lonely for a friend- which would make telling her directly kind of sad.
Hopefully she'll find someone else in town to latch onto soon- don't be that person or you'll just dig a deeper hole!

[totesmcgoats]

Can you block her from seeing your posts/pictures, etc? Then respond to one of her messages "sorry for the delay, life has been hectic and I'm barely on FB anymore. Let's definitely get together sometime. I will hit you up when my schedule is a less crazy!"

That's what I'd do. I'm not direct enough to tell her I didn't want to be friends anymore. I actually have an old roommate that I used to be close with but then our lives went in completely different directions. From time to time, will catch up via fb and getting together always comes up, however both of us always flake. We know what's up.