T's&P's (my sister)

[theBeeMama]

Hey ladies! I'm here to ask for thoughts for my sister. She's 23 weeks I think and found out about a month ago at her anatomy scan that her baby boy has a neural tube defect (spina bifida) and yesterday was their follow up ultrasound to determine the severity, talk about treatment options, etc.
The doctors told them that surgery will be necessary, but it's their choice whether they do prenatal or post. Both have risks/advantages so they just have to decide quickly because they'd want to schedule the prenatal surgery for within he next two weeks if that's what they choose.

My sister and her husband tried to conceive for almost 4 years, and it just seems so unfair that they're having such a hard time now that they finally have their baby. Ultimately it is a solvable problem, (thank the Lord!) but it is a traumatic ordeal on both mother and baby and it's just overwhelming for them as parents-to-be.

Also, I feel like I can share this here without fear of judgement because I think you ladies will understand... I have kinda shared this in fragments in the past here, but when I had ds, my sister was in a really dark place with her infertility and the entire situation was very painful because she couldn't be happy for us, and I felt like I couldn't really celebrate openly because I didn't want to hurt her more. On top of that, she's the oldest in our family and the favorite, so the whole family sort of "took her side" in a weird way and I got negative comments about my pregnancy because it "wasn't fair to her" since dh and I were so young and weren't even trying to get pregnant. So now that all of this is happening, of course my main concern is my sister, but then there is also this Mama-Bear part in me that is welling up and I just feel kind of pissed on behalf of my baby, because of how people somehow try to make it "my fault" that I have another healthy baby and she doesn't. I and beyond that, I feel like yet again I can't fully celebrate my child the way I want to because it would be insensitive to her and what she's feeling... And then I just feel bad for being bratty enough to make this about me, when my sister is going through something so tough.

Aaaaanyway, I could just use thoughts and prayers all around. For my sister, for her baby, for myself. I feel like I need to be there for her as much as possible, but their c-section is possibly going to be scheduled for the week of my due date. I feel bad that I won't be able to help out but I also feel sad because I am afraid that my baby girl's birth will be an afterthought to my side of the family.

Sorry for the super long post and thanks in advance for not judging me and thinking I'm a terrible person for having these frustrations... All in all, of COURSE, I am just grateful to have two healthy kids. They are most important and no matter what, I will love and celebrate the heck out of them.

[leenziepops]

Positive thoughts for your sister's baby. And also some extra positive juju that there can be overall happiness and support in your family for both of your pregnancies and babies

[tiffbot]

Lots of good wishes to your sister and her baby. I can't imagine how scary it is.

And hugs to you too. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do.

[alayne926]

Hoping all goes well with your sister and the baby, whenever they decide to do surgery.

As for you, sorry you're feeling such conflicted feelings. I hope that when the babies come, there is is a lot of happiness all around and no one is feeling "second best."

[maddib]

T&Ps for your sister. My DD was born with spina bifida. We didn't have the option or it was never told to us to do surgery prenatal. She had her surgeries post. There were a lot of other complications and she ended up with a tracheostomy and a ventilator but that isn't always the norm. My daughter is doing wonderful (aside from this stupid virus!!!). I know it's hard but she can get through it and have a wonderful child that will light up her life. And I don't think you are being bratty. That is an understandable way to feel. Each child is a blessing. No matter if they are healthy or not. But I will warn you your sister might get to be a bit bitter. I was in the beginning. It was really hard to get over but I eventually did. So I am definitely keeping your whole family in my thoughts and prayers!!

[Widget123]

T&P. Both your sister and you are in a difficult place, although obviously hers is much worse than yours. It is apparent you are doing the best that you can given the situation.

[laurenlou83]

T&P to your sister and their baby.

Also sending thoughts to you, too! It sounds like you're in a difficult situation, just keep doing your best given everything that is going on.

[dmoney]

Lots of T & P's for you!! Please let your sister know that after the baby is born there is a ton of State Aid (IF you are in the US) that is available to her and the baby. My sister is a non-profit disability lawyer and there was a short period that we thought my LO might have Spina Bifida and she said that no matter what there are resources available for everyone to make sure that we get the aid that we needed. After she is home from the hospital and had some time to relax ( I know easier said then done) have her look into some non-profit disability law centers to see what kind of aid they can get for her and the baby. IF you have any questions please feel free to PM me and I can ask my sister if she knows of any firms in the state that you live in that can help her out.

As for you, while its horrible that your family has put that pressure on you, know that they will love your baby just as much as your sisters. They might not show it now, but once that baby is here and they are able to hold your LO everything will change... Also keep in mind that you have DH's side of the family and if anything im sure they will be more then happy to help you out and love on your little one!

Keep us updated and I hope that everything goes smoothly.

[tulips114]

That is a tough situation. Thoughts and prayers for your family.

[mrsmonogrammed]

My heart breaks reading about BOTH of your situations...T&P to your sister's baby and hersef for an easy rest of her pregnancy, and big hugs to you for not getting the support from your family that you need. I hope that everyone pulls it together to give both of you ladies what you need!!

[veggiemo]

Thinking of your sister and your whole family. That must be so hard to be going through.

As far as your feelings, I think they are totally understandable and I don't fault you in the least for having conflicting thoughts. When I'm struggling like that, I really try to focus on perspective. Yes, your pregnancy is kind of being overshadowed and you're being "blamed" in a sense for making it worse on your sister, BUT you have so many other things to be grateful and happy for that none of that should really matter. Don't feel guilty about feeling the way you do, it's normal. Just hang in there and focus on the positives by keeping the whole picture in mind. You're doing just fine

[bruunk]

I'm sending good thoughts to your sister and her family - how scary for them! Hugs to you too - I'm so sorry you're in a cruddy position. I hope your family can be supportive of you both.

[mcp6286]

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this! My T&Ps are definitely with your sister and her precious baby. Thankfully her doctors found the issue early and they have options for treatment.

I definitely don't think you're a brat or selfish for wanting your baby to be celebrated despite what is happening around you. It obviously is completely out of your control that you have gotten pregnant easily and had healthy pregnancies. For anyone to put that on you is incredibly unfair. And while your sister may be unable to be happy for you at this point, the rest of your family should be rational and adult enough not to make a tough situation worse by placing blame or comparing pregnancies. Although it obviously isn't as bad a situation, I understand how you feel. My brother is my mom's favorite and he got engaged within a couple weeks of me finding out I was pregnant. My mom is choosing to do all kinds of unnecessary things for his wedding that she didn't do for mine (like throw his fiancee a second bridal shower for no reason and contribute to their living expenses, honeymoon, etc) and then saying that she can't do things she said she'd do for the baby because of finances. It definitely sucks feeling like you're less important. It sounds like you've got the best attitude you could have under the circumstances. Keep supporting your sister and maybe find some nicer people to celebrate your own news with, other than your family. I realized a while ago that I can't count on my immediate family to be my support system. DH and I have since "created" a family for ourselves - longtime friends, extended family members - that we know we can count on for love and support no matter what.

[wormgerm]

You're both in my thoughts. Hopefully your sister and her baby handle the procedure well whenever it occurs.

The blessing of all of this is you guys will have cousins growing up like twins! When all of this passes and the dust settles I wish for these close pregnancies to be a source of bonding and not comparison.

She is lucky to finally have her baby after so many years of struggling just the same as you are lucky to have yours. You didn't do anything wrong in growing your family. Besides, you were pregnant first so it's not like you were up staging her intentionally (slash at all, but I get the feeling you are getting that vibe from family.) I struggled with infertility and wouldn't ask anyone else to put off growing their family on my account.

[ladysif]

T&P for your sister, that is super scary and hope all goes as well as possible.

T&P to you too. I'm in the camp of what you're feeling is fine and you're handling it well. People are comparing apples to oranges, and that's not fair to either of you. Major pet peeve of mine when people attempt to completely dismiss or blame someone for having feelings when another's situation is worse. Of course you know that, ffs, but that alone doesn't validate dismissal of the impact on you or make it okay to judge you by that different standard.

[mnp48]

I hope everything goes well for you both! It's a tough situation to be in. I have definitely been the midst of family tension/drama/etc/ And, there are times when my happy news is usurped by theirs or even my mother's own need to one-up me. You deserve all the happiness and joy as well so don't feel guilty!

Anywho, T&Ps for you and your sister!

[mrskblack11]

Sending thoughts and prayers for your sister and her baby.

I can understand how you are feeling. I know the focus is on your sister and she deserves the extra support now, but once your baby arrives hopefully you will also get the attention you deserve.

[kemdupuis]

Such a difficult situation. I'm so sorry that your sister is going through all of this, and I'm sorry that you're feeling the way you are. Praying for everyone to be well.

[santoki77]

T&P for your sister and her little one and big ((HUGS)) to you.

[mrsh2010]

Sending lots of T&Ps!

[missjenniebean]

T&p for all

[tinavonsparkle]

Sending hope and luck to your sister and a hug for you x x x

[Flick]

T&Ps go to your family.

[erbear]

T&Ps to your family!

[sunnyb]

Many thoughts and prayers to your sister and her precious baby.