PW: Unaffectionate Child

[MissMusic]

Well this is embarrassing, but here it is:

My kid is not an affectionate kid.  She never was a cuddler, nothing like that.  She's actually quite kind, gentle, thoughtful, concerned about others, etc but she does not like hugging, kissing, etc.

It makes me feel awful because there's only so many years when I can hug & kiss my baby, and I love to show her affection, but she wants nothing to do with it.  I get hit, I get kicked, whatever.  She's fairly affectionate with DH and a few other adults but thats about it.  God forbid I try to kiss her goodnight.  Don't even ask for a hug when you walk out the door.  I'm not asking if its ok to kiss or hug her thinking she just wants space, but 95% of the time she'll say "NO!  NO KISS!  NO HUG!"

Is this a phase?  Did I do something to make her not want love?  I know she's 2, but I can't help but feel rejected and sad.  I'm the disciplinarian in the house, I try not to yell, I really do try to take her feelings into account and give her choices/power; I praise and scold as needed.  I try to be specific about both.

Please tell me this is a phase because she's gotten less and less affectionate as time has gone on. 

[britbratjf]

I'm sorry MissMusic. I don't really have any advice but maybe it's just her personality. I mean there are adults who aren't affectionate and like thir own space, right? Maybe L is just like that? she loves you even if she isn't affectionate about it!

[roo1582]

It sounds like it just might be her personality. You didn't do anything wrong. Some people just like their personal space It sounds like you're being a great mom showing her that you love her! I would just continue doing what you're doing. Although she may not be affectionate, it may make her more comfortable handling the situation when others show her affection. And it really could just be a phase. Kayleigh has just recently become more affectionate. She used to fight us more when we tried to hug/kiss her, but you could tell it was more of a game for her.

[gk12]

Not to get too personal but do you and DH hug/kiss in front of Lillian?

I grew up in a home where I saw no affection and so I'm not a very affectionate person but I'm making an effort so that Mirabelle sees what I didn't. Also Mirabelle is all about controlling the affection she gives. Sometimes she'll give a hug or kiss other times she says No and walks away.

[jennmm]

It's more than likely just who she is. I was not an affectionate child. My mom said my first complete sentences were "Don't look at me" and "Don't touch me." She did anyway:) My grandmother and aunt used to get upset because I would cry if they held me, etc. It's not anything anyone did. I am still not an overly affectionate person. I am with my kids. They get all the kisses and hugs they want. But, in general, I'm a touchy person. There's nothing wrong or broken in me. I'm not a sociopath or anything like that. I love people and have affection for them. Also, like PP said, that's one of the things toddlers can control and we know how much they like control. Sometimes, DD is all about hugs and kisses and sometimes she flat out refuses. I wouldn't worry too much about. I know it sucks when your kid won't hug you but don't blame yourself and try not to feel like she's rejecting you. It's obvious from your pics and stories that she loves you.

[aimeefarrahfowler]

You didn't do anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with her. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe it's just her personality. I am not a very affectionate or touchy person. I rarely hug my parents and sisters and I hate cuddling with H, even though I love him very much. I just need my space.

I can totally understand how much it must hurt that she doesn't want to hug or cuddle, so I'm really sorry that it makes you sad. But she does love you, it shines in her pictures!

[bantyrooster]

I hate physical touch except from dh and the kids. It just annoys me. I will hug people if they initiate. Or I reach out if someone is upset. We are not a PDA couple. My mom said as a baby I prefered to lay on the floor or swing than be held. Ellison is the same way.
Some people just have space issues? :confused:

My mom makes fun of me for it and just last week commented on how Ellison is the same as me. After to many people holding her she will cry and stop if they put her down.

[bantyrooster]

Apr 10, 2015 6:29:34 GMT -5 gk12 said:

Not to get too personal but do you and DH hug/kiss in front of Lillian?

I grew up in a home where I saw no affection and so I'm not a very affectionate person but I'm making an effort so that Mirabelle sees what I didn't. Also Mirabelle is all about controlling the affection she gives. Sometimes she'll give a hug or kiss other times she says No and walks away.

That is interesting. My mom is overly loving, think Beverly Goldberg. And once in awhile H and I will hug or kiss but not much. Gage is a really hugging kid so I have one of each. I LOVE hugging him. Her doctor said at first that some kids born early, she was 2 weeks early, have more sensory issues with being overly touched. It has been a learning curve going from a super clingy colic baby to a chill " I want to lay on the floor and kick" baby.

[pinkluna]

I definitely think it is more of a personality thing. E&L are totally different in that aspect. E is the most affectionate, and will initiate a hug or kiss on her own (even when she plays she hugs and kisses her toys). But L will only sometimes be affectionate if we ask but not usually on his own. DH and I are opposites too (he is the more affectionate one) but I try to show some PDA in front of the kids to hopefully make them more comfortable with it.

I try not to take it personally when they deny me a hug, but I know how you feel!

[justbeth]

Emma is a fairly unaffectionate child. Like you, I know it's most likely just who she is, but I still blame myself and feel guilty. She's my first and when she was a baby I often fell for the 'don't hold them too much or you will ruin them' and we never co-slept, so I feel like maybe she wasn't snuggled enough as a baby. I've had a lot of guilt and regret about this especially since finding out that we can't have more babies, so I began trying to snuggle her more. It doesn't always go well, but I feel like she is slowly coming around

[justbeth]

All that to say, I think Emma and Lillian are both normal, well rounded kids, but I completely understand why you feel guilty about it. Even though I don't think the guilt is truly warranted, as moms we just tend to blame ourselves.

[MissMusic]

Thank you awesome J12. I've thought a lot about this over time and it just bothers me. I'm going to guess its her personality like people said; at least I'm being reasonable with that assumption. She really is a gentle, concerned, giving, friendly kid--its just that hugs & kisses are not within her comfort zone.

I wish it was different. I can't count the number of times I smooched her fat little cheeks as an infant. I just never thought she'd be pushing me away so soon

gk12 that is an interesting thought! Kids do what they see, right? Makes sense! I'd say DH & I are average on the affection. Maybe less so recently because we're crazy busy and sometimes we're 2 ships in the night, but we hold hands and hug goodbye and all of that. I'm going to try to be extra kissy on DH & vice versa and see if that changes!

[cbear]

Elise is fairly affectionate but I notice she is less so the days I am home all day with her, maybe she's just tired of me haha! But like pp when she slips we do try amp up the affection between H and I a little more

[snickers4everyone]

I just want to hug you. I know that is hard. I have some family members who are very like L. As kids, they flat out refused to hug relatives. They came from very loving, but not very PDA families. Today, both are well-adjusted and friendly, have awesome relationships with their parents, and both are still uncomfortable with the more touchy ways of displaying affection.
I think L could be going through a phase, but if she's not, she's not broken. You are an amazing mother, and your love for her just pours out of you in your posts. She loves you too; as someone mentioned, you can see it in your pictures. She may grow out of it or she may figure out another way that she's comfortable with to show her love.
L is, by your own words, gentle, concerned, giving, and friendly. You fostered those in her. That's a pretty damn awesome mom in my book.

[MissMusic]

DH thinks she might need to see a child psych. Do kids even go to shrinks this early?! I'm not sure she needs to, but she says things like "I happy when mama cries" or "I love daddy not mommy". I didn't mention it right away because its weird, embarrassing, and all sorts of not ok. I can't tell if she's joking.

DH is afraid we have a sociopath.

She is very affectionate with babies, even strangers' babies; a few other adults and thats about it. She gave her BFF's grandmother a HUGE hug & kiss yesterday and I about died inside.

[somethingcleverer]

MissMusic kids say those things to get attention. Both kids have said things along those lines to me. I would stop paying so much attention to the "mean" things she says and focus on the nice stuff. I used to think similar things about shane but it he is a sweet boy now. I think he knew saying something mean would get immediate attention.

As for affection Aubrey likes to be affectionate on her terms. While she likes to be close she's not a big hug/kiss kid. At bedtime she tells us "hug, no kiss!" Sometimes I think she just wants us to try to kiss her so she can say no, so I just honor her request and she gives kisses when she wants.

Big hugs. Kids are brutal at this age.

[heatherbee]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My DS is pretty affectionate but also says things similiar to what L is saying. Lately he will say "I don't love you mommy" or "I don't want to be with you". It sucks, but im hoping its just an attention seeking phase like somethingclever pointed out. Hugs to you.

[mightybee]

Apr 10, 2015 22:10:36 GMT -5 somethingcleverer said:

MissMusic kids say those things to get attention. Both kids have said things along those lines to me. I would stop paying so much attention to the "mean" things she says and focus on the nice stuff. I used to think similar things about shane but it he is a sweet boy now. I think he knew saying something mean would get immediate attention.

As for affection Aubrey likes to be affectionate on her terms. While she likes to be close she's not a big hug/kiss kid. At bedtime she tells us "hug, no kiss!" Sometimes I think she just wants us to try to kiss her so she can say no, so I just honor her request and she gives kisses when she wants.

Big hugs. Kids are brutal at this age.

This exactly! Dylan once said "I like to hurt people's feelings." Definitely made me stop and think what the heck am I doing wrong with him??

I've found that as I've ignored the negative comments and praised the positive actions/comments, the negative ones have not been as frequent. It really helped me not feel so bad once I saw that he says these things to get reactions/attention from others. Also, his negative comments intensified as his world was rocked--new baby, H out of town for a week. Anything new going on in L's world?

Somehow these kids know exactly what to say to push our buttons!

[snickers4everyone]

My nephew went through a stage where he said stuff like that. He even told my mom he was going to push her down the stairs so she'd break into little pieces. Lately he's been a lot better. They did a lot of positive reinforcement with him and that seems to help.
I really think she's picking up on it upsetting you and doing it to mess with you. Does it seem like she does it when she's angry at you or when you specifically ask for kisses/hugs? Or maybe when you are paying attention to something else so it focuses you back on her?

[USCgirl]

MissMusic, I am so sorry you feel guilty about L not being an affectionate child. I know she is super smart like so many of our LOs and she could be using the behavior for attention. I am sure not being mushy is just part of her personality, but at this age, they are learning how to manipulate us adults and know what bothers us. (if you can even fathom this?!)

I agree that using positive affirmation will help and don't think it is necessary to take her to a child psychologist. My H is a lot like yours and wants to always nip issues in the bud, but this is something that needs to be watched for now to see if things change first. If she were doing things daily and being mean to or hurting things/people, that would be different. (In my opinion, of course)

Good luck with everything regarding this and I am glad you felt comfortable enough with us to express your feelings. Just telling someone other than your H is probably a huge weight. I pray that this gets better over time for you. She definitely loves you and you are an amazing mom!!

[origamimommy]

I just read your additional comment and I'll add that Tyler does this to my husband a lot. I once read an article in People magazine where Pink (I know, I know) said that one thing she does as a mom is not take things her daughter does personally. She said something like, "My mom took everything I did as a personal offense, when really I was just being a kid, or just being me. I wasn't trying to hurt her." For some reason that resonated with me, and when Tyler says things like that or is pissy about being affectionate, I'm like, alright that's fine. It gets to DH though, and he does it a lot more to him. I'd just let it go. Focus on the good. I mean, really, toddlers are assholes.

[xanthepants]

I second what USCgirl, and I know a few people Like jennmm, and never thought twice about it. I wouldn't jump to child psychologist right yet. But I don't think there is anything wrong with trying to be more affectionate around her too.