What do do when in-laws seem completely disinterested?

[txngrl31]

Sounds like exactly what I am going through! My MIL never calls us, texts or inquires about the pregnancy. My husband's sister ( and only sibling) has an almost 2 year old daughter and she constantly calls her daughter about the grandchild and post about a million photos a month on FB of that grandchild, so I know she can communicate and use her phone. If she knows anything about my pregnancy, it's because I text her. I sent her pics of the baby's nursery and never heard anything back. I was also treated the same way u were when my grandfather passed 2 years ago. I understand we live far away, but you would think she would at least try to be more involved in this beautiful process, especially since they have a small family. She is very involved with her husband's (DH's stepdad ) grandchildren and her niece's and nephew's children. It's been very hurtful to me. My husband is going to have a discussion with her if this continues after our daughter is born- no one wants a part time grandparent.

So, yes, I feel your pain and completely understand what you are going through. I have no advice, so, hopefully someone will enlighten us both!

[lunalovegood]

I'm sorry, what a crappy situation. You are right, your LO deserves grandparents who are interested and involved and I can totally understand not feeling comfortable around them and having them not stay with you. Any chance they are just awkward and don't know how to act and things will be better once their grandson actually gets here?

[Widget123]

Your DH needs to talk to them because even though you think you havent done anything to deserve this, you must have done something that bothered them, whether or not you were the one in the wrong or not. I have had many a nasty feud with my ILs over the years but they would still never treat me or my children like that

[ladymouse]

My brother's wife is of the opinion that all communication between her and my parents should go through my brother (they live in the same town and my mom watches my nephews a few times a week. By contrast, SIL's mom and I are facebook friends so we can coordinate the boys' Christmas/birthday presents.) FIL never speaks to me except on speaker phone with DH on the line. Some people are weird like that. The rest of my in-laws, on the other hand, have no problem talking directly to me. (FIL's brother's wife actually brought her mom to visit us and DS from the opposite coast.)

MIL and SMIL are excited about DD, but I can almost guarantee they will not give her anything unless they happen to be physically present on her birthday or Christmas. It doesn't offend me, but it's a little odd when two cousins and an aunt from that side sent thoughtful gifts when the grandparents just left facebook comments.

[veggiemo]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, what a sucky situation. My in-laws don't show a huge interest in my son either. In fact, they don't even show much of an interest in DH. They focus most of their time and energy on DH's two older sisters who also have young kids. This is a different story for a different day, but they watch DS twice a week and charge us a small fee. They do not charge my SILs to watch their kids and they watch their kids 5 days a week, not 2. We definitely get the shaft, it's kind sad actually. But here's what I do: I just pretend they care and send them texts and pictures all the time. I just continue to thank them and tell them how grateful I am that they watch him even though it's bullshit we have to pay them. I text videos of him on the weekends, small updates on things like swimming lessons and new words he's using etc. They rarely reach out to me but I kind of just do a little reversal of the roles and force it down their throats. It makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing and then I can just know it's their loss for missing out on anything.

Bottom line, my advice is just get them involved yourself. Text or email them updates after appointments, even if they don't ask. Just start including them in everything and then if they want to be bitches about it and not acknowledge, at least it's 100 percent on them. Don't be backhanded or passive aggressive, just tell them honestly what's going on. MAKE them get involved and be excited. Hang in there, you'll figure out what's best for your family.

[dmoney]

So its not the same because my MIL does want to know but my FIL and his wife dont ask anything. I saw them on Saturday night and the only thing they said to me was wow you have gotten big since the last time we saw you...well yeah that was back in November....

[turtletyme]

My MIL is very cold and I don't expect that to change just bc she's having her first grandchild. She seems to be trying, but it doesn't feel natural or authentic. I hope it will change when the baby comes, but it probably won't. It's also hard feeling like she is really pushing for a "family" relationship now which never really existed before.

[paintdadanta]

Ditto. My ILs are doing the same type of thing and it has DH and I both pulling our hair in frustration.

Just for quick parallel reference, my ILs have only one grandson from DH's previous marriage but they only acknowledge his existence and not either of ours. They also talk to DH's ex more than us as well because she gives them basically her share of their joint custody agreement so she can do other things. They have only acknowledged our pregnancy maybe three times now. When we told them the news their reaction was how the grandkid reacted and then replied oh another one when we later told them we were having a boy.

As much as it sucks, at this point it's just easier to ignore it altogether. For us, this means they will either get on board or they won't see our child at all or the other one when he is with us. At the end of the day it'll be more their loss than ours or LO's. All you can do is know that you've done your part and it isn't anyone's fault but theirs. I'm sure there are still plenty of people who will gladly love on your LO and give them all the attention they need. FX - they will quit being oblivious and start getting involved. Never feel bad to vent about it, it's still not fun no matter how you spin it ((hugs))

[ladysif]

It sucks, but you don't control them, so you have to change your perspective. Do what you can live with. Mine are very self-involved and don't think about asking about us or DS or the pregnancy. I take the veggiemo approach and still send updates, crafts, etc. about DS1 (though perhaps not as frequently) because I have to live with my actions. In turn, they have to live with theirs and ultimately it is their loss. I will ALWAYS try for my children and DH, but I have my limits too. I used to try a lot harder and would just get crushed every time and there's only so much of that you can take. They've blown it too many times with me so I have just adjusted my expectations and do what I am comfortable doing. DH thankfully understands because he sees it happen; his support is critical to making it work and adjusting your own perspective.

FWIW I can tell that my actions help DS feel closer to them than he would if I didn't try and that IS rewarding to me. He doesn't need to know that his grandparents rarely acknowledge the crafts I send them, I have no clue if they're even keeping them, or that they sent him an Easter card that arrived days after Easter because they only thought of doing it after they received the one I had him make for them. That kind of thing. Does it tick me off? Yes, but DS doesn't have to know that. That's what DH and my BFF are for.

I wasn't at all close with my dad's folks growing up and resented it for a long time, particularly my mom as I knew it was largely her relationship with her MIL that caused the distance; I get it more, now, knowing more about them and their relationship with my mom and dad, but I am trying so that DS doesn't feel that same way growing up.

[leenziepops]

I agree with veggiemo, where you commit yourself 100% no matter how hard it is. That way you stay completely on the correct side. After all, you are making the effort for your DS and not for your own sake. Doesn't mean none of it sucks though. I would be pretty upset over it. If they don't want a relationship with you, then okay fine whatever. But they shouldn't treat their own grandson in the same manner. I hope things improve when he arrives but don't count on it.

[PurpleIris]

Apr 13, 2015 14:50:30 GMT -5 @demanda88 said:

@pcrunk you're 100% right- they're definitely not crazy about me. They're extremely conservative and I'm liberal, they're very religious and I'm not, and DH and I happen to be the only ones out of his siblings, who do not have an interest in moving back to the family farm. However, I never discuss politics with them, I go to their church when we're there and even go to church when they come up here as well, I pray in restaurants before we eat which kills me to do but thats what they want, and I never say anything back to my FIL when he starts saying things like people with depression are more easily possessed by Satan, scripture backs it up, when my dad has depression.

They will also make little backhanded comments to me here and there about how snooty people are who have safety deposit boxes, when they know the jewelry I wore in our wedding was taken out of a safety deposit box (major WTF, side eye moment there because..who the fuck cares about a safety deposit box?). Or, my personal favorite was when we had to put our old pug to sleep because he was 14 and had severe pneumonia and they asked me when they were visiting a month later if I planned on killing any more dogs in the future.

Meh, are they people that you really want to be overinvolved in your life? They seem like real peaches. Yes, it sucks that they can't suck it up and at least make nice, but it sounds like they're not people who really bend their ways. I think you also mentioned that your husband only talks to them once a month or so - there's got to be a reason for that, does he really want to be closer with them? He's the one that should address them about this if you guys feel like there's potential for change, but with some people you just have to let it go and remind yourself that their issues don't have to be your issues.

[kemdupuis]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this- it does not sound like a great situation. My situation is completely different- my ILs drive me absolutely insane and I can't stand to be around them, but I can certainly appreciate feeling uncomfortable around someone, and not necessarily wanting them to come and stay in your home.

Maybe have your DH politely broach the topic with his parents? I mean, like not addressing the specific things like the cookies, or the lack of gifts for your LO, but in general have him ask about what their issue is. I firmly believe that when issues arise with one set of parents, it is the responsibility of their child (in this case, your DH) to stand up for the two of you and discuss it with their parents.

I know that probably wasn't the most helpful advice, but that's what I'd do. Again, I'm sorry you're upset. Maybe once your beautiful LO arrives, their tune will change. Hope it all goes well for you.

[txngrl31]

@demanda88, I thought of our in law thread last night! After my 32 week ultrasound and check up, I decided to be the bigger person and text MIL all of the details of the visit and ultrasound. I had been nervous about baby girl's size and I wanted her to know that all is well. I informed her that our very active baby was in transverse and breech positions, and that we are hoping to get her head down soon- I expressed my worry (important part of the story). The last tidbit was that she needs to make sure she has had the TDaP before coming to visit in July. Sooooo....out of that entire long text, the only thing she responded with was, " Oh no, I have to get a shot?!" Apparently, she is afraid of shots. I had to tell myself to breathe in, and breathe out.

[shinytoys]

I would have your husband have a conversation with his parents where he shares his feelings about the situation and the effects of it on him, you, and your child. However, after that point you have to realize you can only control your actions not theres. You cannot make someone take interest in your child. I would imagine it is very sad to see how this situation is playing out, but thankfully your child has a wonderful set of grandparents on your side. That's what you can focus on is further developing that relationship.

[wormgerm]

My MIL has been awesome. She loves buying baby stuff and I have to try to gently reel her in when we're out together. She is co-planning my shower with my sister. She purchased the crib, mattress, and the glider. We talk several times a week and go out just the 2.5 of us a few times a month. She even went to 2 ultrasound appointments when my husband couldn't make it and I didn't want to go alone. Today is day 3 of her popping by my house to do YARD WORK!!! It was her idea and her offer. She says it makes her feel good to be out with the birds and her yard (like... 10 foot condo plot) is done. That's hard for me to just sit back and accept but physically I can't do it this year and she says it's payment for me helping clean out a few (hoarder) rooms in her house over the past year.

My mother, on the other hand, used to occasionally text me for a photo of my nephew or to come see him and then out of obligation ask how the me/baby were doing. Last time I saw/talked to her was Easter and I don't think she even asked about the pregnancy. She is completely disinterested or detached. Our relationship sucks.

I think as long as SOMEONE is interested in gushing over baby with us we are lucky. I'm happy to have wound up with an awesome MIL after a lifetime of crap with my own mom. Sorry so many of you have the cliche terrible in-law relationship.

[lalamomma]

I have a parent who doesn't usually get involved or seem to care much so I do relate. Its horribly disappointing and frustrating. Hopefully they fall in love with your sweet babe and it gets better!

[sidneyvicious]

I think you need new perspective on the situation. They are never going to change, so honestly, do you really want them imposing their religious and political views on your child when they don't align with your own? Do you want your baby to pick up on the tension between all of you? Them keeping you and your baby at arm's distance is somewhat of a gift in that regard. I think you need to stop trying so hard. Your baby won't think anything of it unless you keep making a big deal out of it. My baby will probably never meet my dad but no doubt will be surrounded by people who love him/her, so I am not worried about there being some kind of grandparent gap.

[Deleted]

How long are they coming up after the baby is born? If it's a quick trip like 3-4 days I would suck it up and have them stay in the guest bedroom but anything over that and I would ask them to stay in a hotel. It's such a special time you have with your new baby so I would want to enjoy it and not be consumed with how they are acting etc.

I also agree with other posters that since you are both on different religious paths and your social values don't align it could end up being a blessing that they are keeping their distance for now and not wanting to chat you up constantly. On the other hand, maybe once the baby comes they will make more of an effort?

[Girlymama79]

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I would love to have your problem! My MIL wants to come over when I'll be 38 weeks and after the baby is born. The problem is she is rude as all get out. She can not stop telling me how to parent and I should be doing this or not doing that. And then telling me how huge I am and how big of a mess my house is (she thinks water spots in a kitchen sink is 'beyond disgusting').

[cnumbers]

Apr 15, 2015 23:55:23 GMT -5 Girlymama79 said:

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I would love to have your problem! My MIL wants to come over when I'll be 38 weeks and after the baby is born. The problem is she is rude as all get out. She can not stop telling me how to parent and I should be doing this or not doing that. And then telling me how huge I am and how big of a mess my house is (she thinks water spots in a kitchen sink is 'beyond disgusting').

This would drive me crazy.

[effthisnoise]

I'm late to this thread, but I just want to say: drop the rope. Stop texting, calling, etc. They're just not that into you for whatever reason. You might never have done anything wrong and it's just that you don't click. You even say that you pretend to like them and act politely when you're around them. They probably do the same thing...except they're less polite, given some of the things they've said. In any case, they're taking up too much space in your head. Your baby and future kids will be fine having one set of grandparents who adore them and another set that they see a few times a year. Your husband doesn't seem to care about having a close relationship with his family, so take your cue from him. Let him be the one who contacts them and plans visits and sends pictures. I wouldn't ignore your MIL if she contacts you, but just don't initiate. You're probably getting upset every time you don't get a response--you will spend a lot less time stressing about your relationship with them if you just stop trying.

[noname83]

I just wanted to give some perspective from being someone who only had one set of grandparents. My maternal grandmother passed away when my mom was a toddler and she was raised by her grandparents. Her father (and his family) had absolutely no part in her life. We don't know if he's alive or not now. We do know he was when I was born, but there was still no contact. So, I only had one set of grandparents. I do not feel like I lacked any love growing up and I don't feel like I missed out on a relationship with my grandfather. He was just never a part of our lives, and that's that. So even if one set of grandparents isn't involved, it really doesn't have to harm your LO. Your LO will take its cues from you. My mom never stressed out about it (I think she was more than over it by the time I was born) and I never felt like something was wrong.

[pickles]

Phones work both ways. If you and your H really want them in your life you will probably have to initiate some contact at some point. If they didn't get you a wedding gift, why are you surprised that you haven't received anything during pregnancy? I'm sure your H's SIL has a different relationship with them, than you do so there's really nothing to be upset or jealous about if they threw her a shower and not you. What you get out of a relationship is usually pretty equal to what you've put in. Some people measure love and caring in things that they receive, but maybe you should actually get to know them rather than complain about what they have or haven't done for you. You aren't entitled to anything from them just because you married their son.

[pickles]

1. you complained that you hadn't heard from them and said DH initiates is in touch with them.

2. I promise I've run into at least 1 asshole and typically don't waste my time with them

3. first part of your original post pointed out twice that you haven't gotten anything from them.

4. they don't like you and you don't like them, so I'm not sure why you are upset

[hbanana18]

I don't think you should do things for them expecting things in return. Maybe they feel that is why you are doing it.

From your most recent reply, I almost think you're trying too hard to make them like you. I wouldn't force the relationship. Sometimes people just don't mesh. If you don't raise your child to have certain expectations of them, they won't feel less loved by them.

[Deleted]

I agree that the sooner you accept people to be the way they are and move on, the easier life is. My own dad is very arm's length, never calls, has seen DS all of three times in eight years. He's never once initiated an interest in checking on me with this baby. When I call him, we talk for 3-4 minutes and he says, "well thanks for calling.  Bye!"    Do I like it? No. Is me getting upset about it and expecting I can make it change going to do anything other than make me crazy? No. DS has plenty of people who do actively make an effort to be excited and part of his life and we focus on that.

Stop trying so hard and just let it be how it is and focus on what you do have.

[Deleted]

Apr 21, 2015 21:08:05 GMT -5 @demanda88 said:

Trust me, I'm not forcing the relationship- I've tried to maintain a good balance of keeping them in the loop with things but I would only do that like once every month or so. It just became a pattern of me initiating contact and them not really responding so after a while, it just became pointless. Again, the only reason this is bothering me now is because of how it might affect LO in the future. But there's nothing I can do about that, beyond what I have tried, so it's really not worth it at this point.

DS doesn't even notice that his Opa isn't involved.   He has three other grandparents who very much are and now an awesome set of step grandparents who have taken him in as their own.