Help me deal

[carolinah]

Several couples I went to college with are adopting. One I knew particularly well are making me incredibly angry. They just adopted triplet 9- month old girls through DIA. I reached out to tell them I'm a birthmom, offer insight should they need any, and attest to the beauty of open adoption. They are not pursuing open adoption because the girls' birthmom didn't want contact (as so many don't initially) even though her parents helped raise the girls and the whole family is close. They had posts before TPR about how gracious they were to allow the family to have plenty of time to say goodbye. If they weren't so selfish the girls wouldn't have had to say goodbye to all they've known forever. I get that open adoption doesn't always work but they admitted how healthy, stable, and respectful of the transferring of parenting the family was. They just don't want a damper on their party and I'm seething with anger for these babies and their family.
Also, they spam up my feed every day asking for donations to support their "ministry." This makes me even angrier. Their choice to adopt is not my responsibility and I take great offense to the insinuation that they are these martyrs for rescuing these girls from their mother who did the most difficult thing I could possibly imagine for her children. I hate that they think they deserve something for nothing instead of selling crafts or services.

I'm wondering what I should do. If I delete them, I won't have to see the offending posts but I lose a chance to make a difference. I want to reach out but can't think of a way to do so that won't make them offended and entirely unresponsive to what I have to say. Thoughts?

I'm sorry this is so charged. I went to a small Christian school and the attitude that all these couples have is one of supremacy and martyrdom, which would make me the bad guy they are rescuing these babies from. Yes, I got pregnant because I slept with someone I wasn't married to. Does this make me a terrible person? Maybe. But that didn't make me an unfit mother and as much as I adore, respect, and appreciate D and all she's done, she will be the first to tell you she didn't rescue A from me.

[spooko]

You know what? That makes me angry too. You have every right to delete them. It isn't your job to open their eyes; it is your job to preserve your sanity. IME with people growing up in such a close-minded mindset, they aren't going to change unless they want to. And it sure doesn't sound like they want to.

And no, you aren't a terrible person. Far from it.

[chicago]

I would unfollow and put them in a list. That way you only see their posts when you decide you want by going to that list. At least that gives you the opportunity to control things and then respond when you're ready ... hope that helps somewhat.

[drl]

It's entirely possible their feelings and attitudes may change over time. In the meantime, I think your attempts will be like beating your head against a wall, so I would either unfriend them or block their newsfeed

[persianmaman]

Many, many hugs for you. It's a testimony to how committed you are to adoption education that you didn't just block or unfriend these people to start - I find those sort of adoption narratives as disheartening as I do frustrating.

I guess I'd measure a response by how close you feel to them. If they aren't anything more than a FB acquaintance, it may be harder to get them to understand what they're doing is what perpetuates so many of the horrible stigmas you get in adoption. Also consider how much of your own energy you want to put into this - you have been such a wonderful advocate for bmoms and emoms, and still are. Letting this one go and blocking them wouldn't make any of us think less of ya.

[carolinah]

Thank you all. Your kindness always overwhelms me. I like to "check" myself here because I know you'll always be loving and supportive but also honest and call me out if I need it. I do think I'll block them so I don't have to see it but that way I know if something changes and they want my help/opinion they don't think that door is shut.

[lovelyplanet]

Hugs to you. I think you should think of yourself first and while it's wonderful what you are trying to do, take your own stress and feelings into consideration first. I hope their attitudes change over time for the sake of the babies.

[packerfan4life]

I would block them. Although I might make a public comment on one of the posts to help educate others who read the statuses. Maybe a post discussing adoption etiquette or respect in adoption. I don't know if it will make a difference for this person, but perhaps it might be helpful for someone reading the post.

Can I just say how grateful I am to have "met" you and bookworm and another birth mother early in my adoption journey. I think our experience is what it was thanks to you guys and having some insight into how hard it is to make the decision to place a child for adoption.

[NariaDreaming]

My blood is boiling just reading your OP.

I really hope they pull their heads out of their asses and realize how douchy they're being.

[akafred]

First, these people don't sound like people I would want to see on my news feed. I am confused though:

"They are not pursuing open adoption because the girls' birthmom didn't want contact (as so many don't initially) even though her parents helped raise the girls and the whole family is close. They had posts before TPR about how gracious they were to allow the family to have plenty of time to say goodbye. If they weren't so selfish the girls wouldn't have had to say goodbye to all they've known forever. I get that open adoption doesn't always work but they admitted how healthy, stable, and respectful of the transferring of parenting the family was. They just don't want a damper on their party and I'm seething with anger for these babies and their family."

If the birth mother doesn't want contact and set the stage for a closed adoption through her own wishes, how is this being selfish on their part? I know you feel strongly about open adoption and I respect that (and am also pro-open adoption), and I think it's very very sad that they don't at least have openness with the grandparents, but ultimately doesn't it come down to the birth mother's wishes?

Now the stuff about it being a "ministry" and asking for money is pretty gross. Thoroughly not my style. And maybe I'm just confused by what you typed, but I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt.

[spooko]

Apr 18, 2015 6:45:01 GMT -5 akafred said:

First, these people don't sound like people I would want to see on my news feed. I am confused though:

"They are not pursuing open adoption because the girls' birthmom didn't want contact (as so many don't initially) even though her parents helped raise the girls and the whole family is close. They had posts before TPR about how gracious they were to allow the family to have plenty of time to say goodbye. If they weren't so selfish the girls wouldn't have had to say goodbye to all they've known forever. I get that open adoption doesn't always work but they admitted how healthy, stable, and respectful of the transferring of parenting the family was. They just don't want a damper on their party and I'm seething with anger for these babies and their family."

If the birth mother doesn't want contact and set the stage for a closed adoption through her own wishes, how is this being selfish on their part? I know you feel strongly about open adoption and I respect that (and am also pro-open adoption), and I think it's very very sad that they don't at least have openness with the grandparents, but ultimately doesn't it come down to the birth mother's wishes?

Now the stuff about it being a "ministry" and asking for money is pretty gross. Thoroughly not my style. And maybe I'm just confused by what you typed, but I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt.

To my reading, the squicky part about the open adoption came from how self-congratulatory they were and acting like they were doing this BM some huge favor.

[akafred]

Yeah, I get that and I agree. But in what I quoted, the OP says the couple are selfish because the babies had to say goodbye to everything they've ever known. That may even be a valid way to think of closed adoption, but I'm confused because she also indicated the birthmom didn't want to have an open adoption. It seems like it isn't the couple's "selfishness" that drove the closed adoption.

(They do sound selfish. All that self-glorifying "ministry" stuff and asking for money is selfish.)

[carolinah]

Apr 18, 2015 6:45:01 GMT -5 akafred said:

First, these people don't sound like people I would want to see on my news feed. I am confused though:

"They are not pursuing open adoption because the girls' birthmom didn't want contact (as so many don't initially) even though her parents helped raise the girls and the whole family is close. They had posts before TPR about how gracious they were to allow the family to have plenty of time to say goodbye. If they weren't so selfish the girls wouldn't have had to say goodbye to all they've known forever. I get that open adoption doesn't always work but they admitted how healthy, stable, and respectful of the transferring of parenting the family was. They just don't want a damper on their party and I'm seething with anger for these babies and their family."

If the birth mother doesn't want contact and set the stage for a closed adoption through her own wishes, how is this being selfish on their part? I know you feel strongly about open adoption and I respect that (and am also pro-open adoption), and I think it's very very sad that they don't at least have openness with the grandparents, but ultimately doesn't it come down to the birth mother's wishes?

Now the stuff about it being a "ministry" and asking for money is pretty gross. Thoroughly not my style. And maybe I'm just confused by what you typed, but I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt.

My frustration is in their refusal to have contact with the birth grandparents that had an equal role in raising the girls to that point. They told me that the Birthmother didn't really want contact but was ok with it remaining open to her parents. I just can't see why they would cut that love from these girls' lives. I would respect them more for leaving an open door to the girls' Birthmother, but I can't say they are selfish for it.