Can we talk about the role of step-parents for a moment?

[arb213]

So, just a little background: my XH was cheating on me for a few months prior to filing for divorce a few years back (my daughter was just a year old then). He married the woman who he was cheating on me with and had a kid with her. They have been married just shy of a year and their kid is nearly 3. She's a great step-parent to my daughter, now 5, but I feel she grossly oversteps her boundaries. She had my daughter thinking that she had 2 mommies which is not the case, and treats her as her own. I know I should want what's best for my daughter and its great that she treats my daughter so well but she is NOT her mother, nor will she ever be. I see my daughter most days of the week and am involved in her life so its not like I'm some kind of deadbeat mother. I don't have a problem with my daughter caring for her and loving her and vice versa but I do have a problem with how she clearly WANTS to be my daughter's mother. It is obvious in many ways (many in which I don't want to get into here). My daughter knows I am mommy and I'm pretty sure that's all that counts. Like I said, I think its great that she loves my daughter and that my daughter loves her, but she does overstep her boundaries. This has been bothering me for quite some time and I don't know where else to go to discuss it. Do I just let it go and take comfort in knowing that my daughter knows I'm mommy and just deal with it, or confront my XH's new wife? What do you ladies think? Sorry this got so long winded. You deserve a drink or two for getting through all this!

[20thirteen]

I would have a big problem with that, too. However, that could be hypocritical of me because my BF is the one that DD calls daddy and is the only daddy she has ever known. I'm sure my ex might have some negative feelings on that but he's out of the picture. What is the custody agreement? The way I read your post is that your XH has custody of your DD, is that right or did I read it wrong?

[arb213]

Apr 16, 2015 9:48:54 GMT -5 20thirteen said:

I would have a big problem with that, too. However, that could be hypocritical of me because my BF is the one that DD calls daddy and is the only daddy she has ever known. I'm sure my ex might have some negative feelings on that but he's out of the picture. What is the custody agreement? The way I read your post is that your XH has custody of your DD, is that right or did I read it wrong?

We have shared custody. And thanks for understanding. I have a big problem with her crossing the line...

[20thirteen]

Well, with shared custody, I'm not sure what all you can do about it. I'd be upset of her overstepping but she is a partial parent in the sense that when your DD is with your husband, she is also with the SM. Is she letting your DD get away with things that are against the rules in your home? Is she telling your DD that she's the cool, better mom and that you're not? I mean, that stuff I would definitely bring up to her, but also to your XH. Make it clear that YOU are mama bear. Not SM.

[arb213]

Apr 16, 2015 13:08:14 GMT -5 20thirteen said:

Well, with shared custody, I'm not sure what all you can do about it. I'd be upset of her overstepping but she is a partial parent in the sense that when your DD is with your husband, she is also with the SM. Is she letting your DD get away with things that are against the rules in your home? Is she telling your DD that she's the cool, better mom and that you're not? I mean, that stuff I would definitely bring up to her, but also to your XH. Make it clear that YOU are mama bear. Not SM.

She is respectful in some ways (for example when DD is with me she will tell her "I hope you're having a great time with mommy") but I still truly feel that she tries to fill the mothering role. I guess it's a really fine line you have to walk because while I understand she is a partial parent, she is not my daughters mother. I am and I feel it's unfair that she tries to take that title away from me. Stepmom also does not even acknowledge me or talk to me. She completely ignores me when we see eachother. My daughter knows I'm mama so I guess that's all that really matters here. Thanks for your input.

[Pansy]

I say this not as a single mum, since my baby isn't even here yet, but as a step-daughter, that its 100% better for your daughter to think she has two mommies than for her step-mum to treat her like she is not one of the family, like mine did me. I understand that you are upset, and that's perfectly understandable, but if you share custody, and step-mum does treat her like a child of her own, then there's not a whole lot you can do about it. You should probably say to your XH, if you can, but it sounds like she is as much a mother as you are to her, and i that is how your DD feels herself, then I would leave her to it, to be honest.

[20thirteen]

arb213, maybe you should confront her, tell her that you want to be treated with respect from her. You two will need to be civil for a long time, and if she doesn't acknowledge you in front of your DD, DD might feel the tension between you two. She might not, but she might. But as long as you two are civil with each other, that might help keep you from feeling like she's overstepping her boundaries. Sure, it's going to be awkward. She was/is the "other woman" and that was/is very hurtful. But probably the best solution is to take the first step and be the bigger woman, put that behind you two and just let it be.

My mom cheated on my dad and they divorced. My mom eventually married the man she cheated on my dad with. I was 11 when my parents divorced and 13 or 14 when my mom and SD married. Per the divorce decree, SD was never allowed around us (I don't know how my dad worked that out...). So I just grew up knowing he was the dude that ruined my parent's marriage. Everything I heard about him was through my dad and it was not good. Actually, I've never referred to him as my SD before today so it feels weird saying it. Anyway, we never hung out until after I turned 18 and even then it was sparingly. Now we still barely talk and he gets mad when DD is around and being loud or cranky or things along that line. Because we never really got to know each other, we don't care for each other. But your DD sees SM when she's with your XH so she's forming a relationship with her. Like Pansy said, it's better that she be treated like she's part of the family rather than not.

[becwheat]

I think as long as she does not overstep legally boundaries or foster an environment where she is saying negative things about you then I would say count your blessings.

You do not need to feel insecure about your DD having another woman who is mothering her. You are her mom, she loves you as her mother and she loves her step mom as a close, loving step mom.

I know you said you do not want to get into it, but unless it is a safety issues or you are getting left out of major decisions that you should be told about... let it go.

IF there are decisions being made that you feel you should be a part of then just bring it up calmly and discuss it like an adult... But feel like this woman wants to be your daughters mom is not a horrible thing. She is a step mom and hopefully she is just trying her best! She has another kid in the house and I imagine she may be trying to make sure your daughter doesn't feel like a second class citizen.

If I had a step kid I would treat them like my own (with the exception of following rules agreed upon by the bio parents). I would talk to and treat them as an equal in my home.

[arb213]

Thanks 20thirteen, Pansy, and becwheat. I appreciate your insight on this issue

[ndm410]

My DD also has a SM. She has been in DDs life since she was 2 and DD is now 11 so she doesn't remember life without her SM. SM absolutely treats her like her own. Of course XH and I make all the decisions but I do ask for input from SM. She is really amazing actually and I'm very very lucky because it could be a bad situation but it's not. SM and I are friends now too which makes things so much easier. I say all of this so I can then also say that it's still hard to know my DD sees her also as a mom. It does sting a bit if DD slips up and refers to her as mom or calls me by her name. Mother's Day will be celebrated for 2 moms as well. Obviously I'm her "real" mom and that title is secure but SM is also a mom to her and that's what's best for DD. So feeling left out or territorial is normal but as moms we've got to step back and look for what's best for our DDs (even if our momma bear instincts say otherwise).

As far as her not acknowledging you, she probably feels awkward or maybe she even feels threatened by you and doesn't know how to overcome that. Maybe around you she feels like an imposter. I'd try to draw her out. Maybe you could both take DD somewhere together or go to lunch or something. Assuming she's not a crazy-cake it might be great for how you feel about the situation.

[20thirteen]

Apr 21, 2015 17:26:46 GMT -5 ndm410 said:

As far as her not acknowledging you, she probably feels awkward or maybe she even feels threatened by you and doesn't know how to overcome that. Maybe around you she feels like an imposter. I'd try to draw her out. Maybe you could both take DD somewhere together or go to lunch or something. Assuming she's not a crazy-cake it might be great for how you feel about the situation.

I agree with this whole-heartedly.

[Deleted]

I would come here and bitch mightily, and even feel a bit sorry for myself! and then be grateful that she is not cutting your daughter out, making her feel less than, or any other of the horrible things that often happen when daddy gets a new family.I completely support you personally feeling ICK about the situation...but a kid can never have too many people surrounding them with love and support.

[freezorburn]

I've been thinking about this a lot since you first posted, but haven't commented because I have no experience here. Only that I am where you were a few years back. H is having an affair, wants a divorce so he can move on with her. It makes me sick to think he could start a new family with her, or that she might have a SM relationship with DS someday. So ... just sympathy for all the complicated feelings that go with this.

Have a great Mother's Day -- celebrate you and the special relationship that you have with your daughter!