Feeling conflicted

[soultrane]

I've been focused on the physical part of my loss so much that I was pretty much just in survival mode for the past week and a half. Something hit me tonight though and I'm not quite sure how to process it. To be honest, I'm not even sure that I know how to properly convey what I'm feeling, so I may just ramble for a bit.  

I'm having trouble reconciling my feelings between being sad about my loss and being thankful for my son. It's almost like I feel guilty for being sad since I already have such a great kid. Rationally, I know that I can grieve the loss of this pregnancy while also being thankful for my son, but I just really wasn't prepared for the wave of guilt I felt tonight. 

On top of that, I also feel guilty for not being sad all the time, so it's like this weird paradox. I feel guilty for feeling sad, but I also feel guilty for not feeling sad all the time. wtf?

I'm doing my best to just let myself feel what I need to feel at any given time, but it's tough to do that when my feelings are completely contradictory.  

So, basically...

[eaglewife]

I'm sorry soultrane You hang in there, okay? I have no answers but I sure know that this shit is hard. Big hugs.

[PiradicalMaid]

I think a roller coast of conflicting emotions is probably really normal. I think I might understand what you mean, at least a little. The baby I lost wasn't mine, but I'm still finding comfort in LO. And then feeling guilty that going through this loss has taken time/energy away from her. And feeling extra joy for how miraculous it is that she's here. And then feeling bad for having a feeling other than sadness...

I'm trying to be gentle with myself and not give guilt any more energy than it needs. It will drain you. I'm working on acknowledging what I'm feeling with kindness and without giving in to it, if that makes any sense. It's still a process for me, but it helps. I can get caught in guilt spirals soooo easily and those don't go well for anyone.

So, basically, (((hugs)))

[jmc11511]

I went through this same bout of emotions when my loss first happened. Someone who had a loss before her first child and after told me she felt like the loss after her LC was harder than the first because she knew what she would be missing out on. I feel the same way. All the firsts and experiences that I have had with my son, I will not experience with the baby I lost. I think that's where the sadness comes from. As far as guilt over not being grateful for your son, that's normal too. But just because you already have a child doesn't mean you weren't looking forward to having another child. And it doesn't take away from how much you love and cherish your child. I don't know if any of that makes sense but I wanted to tell you that I completely understand how you feel because I have felt it.

Take care of yourself.

[leahks77]

soultrane first, so many ((hugs)). Like eaglewife said, this shit is hard. I genuinely feel like I could have written what you said. I have had all those feelings. I also find myself feeling guilty that this loss is "easier" than my last one? And that feeling of guilt over being sad when you have such a great kid? Try to be easy on yourself. Your loss isn't connected to your son, in the sense that you can feel both. I try to feel grateful for DS... And I am, always. But it doesn't lessen the pain of a lost baby, in the same way that (I imagine) you love two living children equally, if that makes sense. Now I'm the rambling one... (I'm also working the overnight right now, so ugh). Basically, what you are feeling sounds completely logical. We are so lucky that we have such amazing kids. That doesn't mean we can't be shitty and unlucky about our losses. One day at a time. I think we all get it, completely. More ((hugs)) your way.

[soultrane]

Thank you for your kind words and stories! I wish that none of us had to feel this way but it helps to know that I'm not alone in my crazy thoughts and feelings.

It's funny because until last night, I've been mostly okay. I've had a few instances where I've just cried and let it all out, but mostly I've just been taking things day by day and I've felt relatively normal. Even last night I was okay, just confused about having emotions that were the polar opposite of one another. I just kind of sat around and looked at my husband like wtf is this shit?!?

I'm fine until these damn feelings hit me out of nowhere.

[muirmaid]

I'm so sorry. eaglewife's right--this shit is hard. And the times when things are easy (like when you're just filled to the brim with happiness playing with your son)? Somehow those can be the hardest, because there's so much joy-guilt-pain-joy-pain-guilt-joy-pain that you get whiplash.

Thinking of you today. Big, big stranger hugs.

[phishgirl]

Huge hugs coming your way. I'm at a loss for words today but I'll echo on how hard this shit is. Thinking of you

[eaglewife]

I'm glad I wasn't over the line with my summary I almost rewrote it to be more polite, but nothing else really conveys the same meaning. Hope today is a better day, soultrane.

[soultrane]

Apr 20, 2015 9:23:15 GMT -5 eaglewife said:

I'm glad I wasn't over the line with my summary I almost rewrote it to be more polite, but nothing else really conveys the same meaning. Hope today is a better day, soultrane.

Nope, it was pretty much spot on!  

I'm back in the office today so it feels good to be back into a normal routine. Could have done without the commute though! 

[soultrane]

Ya know, I'm a big believer in signs and this morning I saw exactly what I needed to see at the exact time that I needed to see it.

One of my friends who has struggled with IF for years posted an article on fb. Included in her comments was the phrase "Grief and hope can coexist." She didn't know about my loss, but her comments really hit home for me and reminded me that I'll be okay, even if it takes me a while to get there. In light of my ramblings from last night and this morning, the timing of her post was perfect.

[muirmaid]

Apr 20, 2015 11:06:58 GMT -5 soultrane said:

One of my friends who has struggled with IF for years posted an article on fb. Included in her comments was the phrase "Grief and hope can coexist." She didn't know about my loss, but her comments really hit home for me and reminded me that I'll be okay, even if it takes me a while to get there

Yes, yes, a million times yes. I was rereading your OP a little while ago and my mind snagged on the word "reconcile." It got me thinking about these conflicting emotions we experience and that we don't actually have to get them to balance each other, or take an average of them to see what the one real emotion is... We don't have to reconcile them, we just have to experience and (maybe) name them. You know?

[soultrane]

Apr 20, 2015 11:24:10 GMT -5 muirmaid said:

Apr 20, 2015 11:06:58 GMT -5 soultrane said:

One of my friends who has struggled with IF for years posted an article on fb. Included in her comments was the phrase "Grief and hope can coexist." She didn't know about my loss, but her comments really hit home for me and reminded me that I'll be okay, even if it takes me a while to get there

Yes, yes, a million times yes. I was rereading your OP a little while ago and my mind snagged on the word "reconcile." It got me thinking about these conflicting emotions we experience and that we don't actually have to get them to balance each other, or take an average of them to see what the one real emotion is... We don't have to reconcile them, we just have to experience and (maybe) name them. You know?

That's really funny because I struggled with which word to use there. I actually asked myself "What do I want to be able to do with these emotions? Reconcile them? That sounds nice."  

And while it sounds really nice to get everything to some sort of equilibrium, I guess that's not how life works. Life is messy, and sometimes things just don't balance, and I need to learn to be ok with that. 

[Ace]

Hugs soultrane!

I feel a lot of similar feelings with our loss. It's a long process. Hang in there.

[fabk]

Big hugs!
I am in a similar boat. I don't have the overwhelming grief that I had last time. Which makes me feel too many conflicting emotions all at once.
Big big hugs!