Question about Cars Seats and Inlaws

[dmoney]

Good Morning Lovely Ladies, I know that my topic is kind of vague and I am sorry about that.  DH and I spent HOURS researching the type of car seat we want our child to be in.  WE have registered for it and an additional base for my baby shower.. My MIL last night mentioned to me that if she does not receive a base at my shower she is going to go purchase whatever car she she wants (not an infant carrier but one that is from infant to booster seat) .  I tried telling her that her son and I did the research that we did for a reason and this is the type of car seat we want the baby in for the time being (She is going to be watching the baby 1 day a week for us). She looked at me and said but if I get the one that the car seat lady at the hospital recommends it will be fine.  I was like I understand that but we did hours of research and this is what we want...


My Question for you ladies is, is it A. Rude of her to expect people to be buying things for her at my shower (we have the car seat and 1 additional base for DH's car on the registry), and B. Can I or rather D tell her I dont care what any one at the hospital says, this is the type of car seat we want our child to be in when you are watching her please go buy the base for your car.  The base is about $100 which I am pretty sure is on par for every other car seat base that is out there.   Any thoughts or advise on how to approach this topic would be great.


When I told this to DH last night he looked at me and was like, why would people be buying things for my mom at your shower? what is she thinking, and then changed the subject.  But the tone in his voice was very annoyed as neither of his parents so far have been that great at just doing what we want.  They both asked us what we would like specifically for certain items in regards to the baby and then say there and have STRONGLY suggested other things, and when we give them our answer as to why we have chosen what we have, they seem to get pretty pissed off at us.  


Thanks again and sorry if this is a big AW!

[lalamomma]

I agree with PP. If you feel strongly then I think you need to be the one to make sure she has the base. If she wants a different seat and to buy it herself I don't see the issue so much if it is a good safe one.

My only other suggestion is to look and do the research on the type she wants to buy and offer her some suggestions you would be comfortable with.

[Widget123]

If you are using an infant bucket seat, she doesn't need a base in her car. If she is only watching your child 1 day a week, can't she run her errands, schedule doctor appointments, etc. on the other 4 days of the week so as to minimize taking your LO out on drives anyway? That would be the logical thing to me. But if she insists she needs a base, you could just buy her one to avoid unnecessary nonsense from her, and move on.

ETA: If she ends up buying a convertible car seat that is birth to booster style to use in her car, that kind of situation wouldn't bother me too much personally assuming that she isn't planning on taking your LO out on long joy rides every week. 

[alayne926]

Apr 21, 2015 8:06:29 GMT -5 Kristykristyleelee said:

Hmmm...my initial reaction is that if you want her to use the specific car seat, then buy her the base yourself - or alternate your extra base from the car not being used & her?

I do understand that you are in a tough position - because you have done the research and have decided on what you would like for your child...but on the other hand, you cannot expect everyone to always buy exactly what you say for your child. It seems silly to make her purchase a $100 base and then purchase another car sear within the year for when the baby grows out of the infant seat. If it were me, I wouldn't push the issue, I would just buy her the extra base if I felt that strongly about it.

This...the base is easily transferred from car to car.

[lalamomma]

Also depending on the car seat some can be installed without a base.

[mrskblack11]

It is strange that she would expect to receive a base at your shower. Since she is only watching the baby one day a week, it seems excessive for her to buy a car seat. I agree with PP that you should just let her borrow one of your bases the one day she is caring for your baby.

If she insists on buying the convertible car seat, try and steer her in the direction of the one you feel most comfortable with.

[dmoney]

SO DH and I had talked about it before and said that if need be we would get the base for her car, I had tried to explain this to her. She didn't let me finish before she cut me off though.. I would NEVER expect her to buy anything she didn't need. The extra Base would be for DH;s car because he is going to be doing drop offs at Daycare while I do pick ups. I guess I am just more annoyed that she doesn't really care that we have done the research into finding a car seat and is just going to do what she wants.

In terms of thing she is going to need at her house, WE have registered for a travel high chair so that she wouldn't need to go out and buy one. She flat out told us she doesn't like what she registered for and is going to go buy her own. I also found a perfectly good pack and play on craigs list that I was going to go look at (had a meeting set up with the seller) so that she wouldn't need to buy one (It was 20 bucks) and as I was on my way to the sellers house, she told me she went and bought this fancy one from Target...Cost most then the one we had registered for.

We are hoping she isn't planning on going to doctors visits with the baby because when I go back to work the baby will only be 8 weeks old (I dont qualify for FMLA) and we are hoping to limit the amount of exposure as possible. While knowing that the baby will be around germs at daycare but would like her not to be around the food store, or the mall, or doctors appointments and what not.

I also wouldn't be to upset if she let us choose which convertible car seat she gets, but she is going to go off of what one of her friends recommends, not what we want for the baby.. I think its great that your friend is a grandma to 4, but this is our child and would rather her be in something that we feel is the safest for our child not one of her friends... Maybe im just being over emotional about this. But that is why I posted here so you ladies can help me out!

[dmoney]

Apr 21, 2015 8:35:06 GMT -5 @kej0004 said:

Agree with everyone above--either buy her the base yourself, or go ahead and do the research for the convertible seat and suggest to her which you would be most comfortable with. If she doesn't want to buy the convertible seat you like, buy that, too.

I wouldn't put unnecessary hardship on someone who is (presumably) doing you a favor by watching your kid once a week.

Let me say this...its not putting hardship on her at all.  We had this conversation last night because she called me on my lunch break and said im going to get a manicure tonight, would you like one as well.  When i tired to pay she said no don't worry about it I have it. and Dropped $80 on the two manicures plus tip.  She has the money, just doesn't want to spend it unless it is on something SHE Wants to spend it on.    

I think in the end, we are just going to end up buying her the base and calling it a day (which is what we were planning on doing) . I guess im just more upset that she would take a friends word, over someone who she gave birth to. (DH)

[ladysif]

I have to second BigKO, the way to avoid it is to buy it yourselves. While I am the same way about things, I research and want what I want, this is the way to guarantee your desired result. It is unreasonable of her to expect it as a gift for her at your shower, but I also wouldn't expect her to buy it just because she is taking care of baby once a week. I would consider that my responsibility. Sorry they're being so obnoxious and not listening.

[silv3rlining]

Like PPs have said, infant bucket seats can be installed without a base (using seatbelt). If you really want her to use a bade you could buy it yourself. However at some point your LO will switch over to a convertible car seat, so if they let you have some say in it then it would save $ in the long run (if they insist on buying one).

[nettje]

Apr 21, 2015 8:19:59 GMT -5 lalamomma said:

Also depending on the car seat some can be installed without a base.

Just to echo this: most infant seats are designed to not need the base. The base makes it easier to put them in, but they are designed to be used without the base as well.

[Widget123]

dmoney Are you going to get significant cost savings by having your LO being watched by your MIL instead of going to daycare 1 day a week? I am thinking about all of the things you have told us about your MIL and my personal experiences with my own IL's regarding DD and based off of that, I have a feeling this situation is going to cause you even more stress than you can imagine now when your MIL actually starts watching your LO.

I'd mentioned here before how SIL watching my DD put a lot of stress on our relationship and we were all happier when DD switched to a daycare center, and I actually whole heartedly trust SIL's parenting decisions. MIL, on the other hand, despite having 2 sons and 4 grandchildren, is completely clueless how to properly take care of small children IMO. She is used to doing what she wants whenever she wants and gets upset whenever I disagree with her about anything. Your MIL sounds a lot worse than my MIL, although she may be a lot better with small children, I have no idea.

I guess I am just saying be careful with this baby watching relationship and if gets too stressful, don't be afraid to pull out of it. You may be a lot happier relying on strangers to watch your LO as I am.

[veggiemo]

Came to say the same thing as Widget123, you don't need a base in her car, especially if she's only taking the baby one day a week. The base does not make the seat safer, it only makes it easier so you don't have to thread the belt each time you put the seat in the car.

I also wanted to say that if my mom/MIL were to pick her own convertible seat, pack and play, high chair, etc., that wouldn't bother me either. Let her have her fun, she wants to buy the stuff for the baby. I think you're being too picky.

[dmoney]

Apr 21, 2015 9:12:30 GMT -5 Widget123 said:

dmoney Are you going to get significant cost savings by having your LO being watched by your MIL instead of going to daycare 1 day a week? I am thinking about all of the things you have told us about your MIL and my personal experiences with my own IL's regarding DD and based off of that, I have a feeling this situation is going to cause you even more stress than you can imagine now when your MIL actually starts watching your LO.

I'd mentioned here before how SIL watching my DD put a lot of stress on our relationship and we were all happier when DD switched to a daycare center, and I actually whole heartedly trust SIL's parenting decisions. MIL, on the other hand, despite having 2 sons and 4 grandchildren, is completely clueless how to properly take care of small children IMO. She is used to doing what she wants whenever she wants and gets upset whenever I disagree with her about anything. Your MIL sounds a lot worse than my MIL, although she may be a lot better with small children, I have no idea.

I guess I am just saying be careful with this baby watching relationship and if gets too stressful, don't be afraid to pull out of it. You may be a lot happier relying on strangers to watch your LO as I am.

I understand what you are saying and because of DH's old work schedule ( he recently lost his job but is looking for something that is flexible like before) we would theoretically only need 4 days a week of Daycare. She offered to watch the baby 1 day a week. But only needing 3 days a week, it saves us $250 a month on child care.  So in my book that is a significant cost savings...  I have never seen her with an infant before, and the last time she has cared for an infant was when my BIL was a baby...so about 27 years.  I trust her with my soon to be child, and I know that the day she is watching this LO she is going to do what she wants to do essentially.  

At the same time, DH has flat out told her that were some things she was planning on keeping when she moved that he said no get rid of.. Like his crib which is 34 Years old... Her response was, "why its fine, all you have to do is put a screw in it and it is up to code" He sat his mom down real fast and said, anything that you have of mine or my brothers is not safe for this baby. It has been kept in a basement for the past 32 years and while we are appreciative of you watching the baby for us, you will have to upgrade the items you have in the house"    

As I said earlier, we have offered to buy some of the things we know that she is going to need second hand like a very basic pack and play for nap times at her house, and she has refused and said no, she will purchase it new.    She was very gracious and offered to buy us our nursery furniture. I had picked out a set that I really liked from Baby's R Us and she looked at me and said no, we will not be going there for furniture as its not real wood.  She then proceeded to spend 2k on nursery furniture and said it was "under budget" 

So the cost savings are worth it in the long run...Sorry for such a long winded response!

[Deleted]

We are just buying the base that goes with our set for my mom for her to put in her car. Once he out grows that, if we want her to use something specific, we will also buy that for her.

[wegrowsheep]

First of all, your MIL does sound a little entitled and SS...

We got 3 bases to go with our carseat (totally blessed by a friend who gave it all to us), so each grandma got one.

However, if either of them went out and bought a new carseat, convertible or otherwise, to use while they were watching LO, I wouldn't say a damn thing. As long as it is safe (and you would have a hard time finding one that isn't), and they feel comfortable using it, I'm grateful for the investment they're willing to make for my kid.

[wormgerm]

My experience being the full time sitter for my nephew from 12 weeks old through the next 29 days (exactly a year!) was originally BIL and sister each had a base in their cars. Then they gave up the bucket for a convertible seat in his car and moved the base to my car. But, now he has outgrown the bucket so I don't have a way of transporting him. No more outings which kind of sucks but my big fear is if there is an emergency. No safe way to transport him so I would just have to call 911 and wait.

If it's one day a week and you don't intend for her to be doing regular outings she can totally install the seat with no base on an as needed basis. But honestly she won't listen to you and will continue to think she knows best.

Sometimes you just have to pick your battles. Ask yourself is this one really worth fighting her on? Technically all carseats have to meet the same standards so as long as it's new, properly installed, and baby is properly strapped in it should be good. If you don't want her joy riding and galavanting ask her not to. I ALWAYS asked permission to take my nephew out and always told them exactly where we were going.

When my niece was 1 and under my MIL drove 2 hours one way and stayed over their house 2 or 3 days a week. They would leave the base or convertible seat from the drop off parents car at the sitters house and she would install and uninstall each week. It worked.

[veggiemo]

Apr 21, 2015 9:58:01 GMT -5 wormgerm said:

My experience being the full time sitter for my nephew from 12 weeks old through the next 29 days (exactly a year!) was originally BIL and sister each had a base in their cars. Then they gave up the bucket for a convertible seat in his car and moved the base to my car. But, now he has outgrown the bucket so I don't have a way of transporting him. No more outings which kind of sucks but my big fear is if there is an emergency. No safe way to transport him so I would just have to call 911 and wait.

If it's one day a week and you don't intend for her to be doing regular outings she can totally install the seat with no base on an as needed basis. But honestly she won't listen to you and will continue to think she knows best.

Sometimes you just have to pick your battles. Ask yourself is this one really worth fighting her on? Technically all carseats have to meet the same standards so as long as it's new, properly installed, and baby is properly strapped in it should be good. If you don't want her joy riding and galavanting ask her not to. I ALWAYS asked permission to take my nephew out and always told them exactly where we were going.

When my niece was 1 and under my MIL drove 2 hours one way and stayed over their house 2 or 3 days a week. They would leave the base or convertible seat from the drop off parents car at the sitters house and she would install and uninstall each week. It worked.

Couldn't have said it better. Pick your battles, this one isn't worth it.

[Widget123]

Apr 21, 2015 9:58:01 GMT -5 wormgerm said:

My experience being the full time sitter for my nephew from 12 weeks old through the next 29 days (exactly a year!) was originally BIL and sister each had a base in their cars. Then they gave up the bucket for a convertible seat in his car and moved the base to my car. But, now he has outgrown the bucket so I don't have a way of transporting him. No more outings which kind of sucks but my big fear is if there is an emergency. No safe way to transport him so I would just have to call 911 and wait.

If it's one day a week and you don't intend for her to be doing regular outings she can totally install the seat with no base on an as needed basis. But honestly she won't listen to you and will continue to think she knows best.

Sometimes you just have to pick your battles. Ask yourself is this one really worth fighting her on? Technically all carseats have to meet the same standards so as long as it's new, properly installed, and baby is properly strapped in it should be good. If you don't want her joy riding and galavanting ask her not to. I ALWAYS asked permission to take my nephew out and always told them exactly where we were going.

When my niece was 1 and under my MIL drove 2 hours one way and stayed over their house 2 or 3 days a week. They would leave the base or convertible seat from the drop off parents car at the sitters house and she would install and uninstall each week. It worked.

Um wormgerm your current situation sounds a little scary to me.  What are you going to do if you go into labor or have a scare and you are watching your nephew?  What if it is something more minor but still requires your OB/MW's attention immediately?  The 911 plan doesn't sound like a good one to me.  I think you need to come up with a new plan pronto, even if it involves a close friend or trusted neighbor who can "save the day".

[wormgerm]

Widget123 Good questions and thanks for your concern. My MIL (and FIL if she wasn't available) live 15 minutes away and would come watch him if I needed help. She has covered for me for multiple appointments over the last 7 months. BIL and sister could also be home in 20 minutes if needed. I'm watching him through the end of May then June he will go to day care. My edd is June 19th.

Edit the 911 plan is for him if he needs immediate medical care

[noname83]

In terms of the car seat, it sounds like your plan is the right one (to just buy a base for her). I've never heard of someone getting gifts for anyone other than the expectant parents at a shower, that's just weird. However, if she just wants to get her own and it complies with safety standards, I think I'd let it go.

I may have a different issue with my ILs, but I don't know if it'll actually become an issue. They have cousins who live in Canada who have a young daughter and some used items to give away. They told my husband they want to give us a car seat (no clue if it's an infant one or convertible). He told me "don't worry my parents will just keep it." While I don't foresee our LO spending much time in his parents' car, if any, I am concerned if the used Canadian car seat actually makes it's way to them.

It's not that I think they'd give us one that's been in an accident, or that Canadian regulations are inferior, but they are different. Plus, I think they'd be very close to the expiration date on the seat based on their daughter's age. I've told my husband I'm opposed to the entire idea of taking this car seat and he thinks I'm overreacting. So, here's to hoping that 1) they never give us/them the car seat and 2) if they do, it's actually past the expiration so it's a non issue. Unless one of you can find something that shows it's illegal to use a Canadian seat in the US (I only found an official source saying it the other way around). I have no problem buying my ILs a car seat, and I don't think they'd buy something other than what I would ask them to if it came to that. Just really don't want this to become an issue.

[nettje]

noname83: my in laws want to buy a used toddler seat off of kijiji (Canadian version of Craig's list) for the once in a blue moon time that they have her. I told DH that in no way would we allow them to use that as we have no idea of the condition of said car seat or if it's expired. I had pulled up the regulations by canada transport and read the recommendations/ restrictions off of that. The next time his parents bring it up, we'll tell them they can buy a new car seat of they feel they need to have one or we will just move ours to their vehicle if needed. I'm so not up with that. If I were you, I'd see if I could find the regulations and print them off for him.

[belle0720]

Meh, if my ILs want to buy their own car seat and a $200 pack n play, I will happily let them. I doubt that she really thinks someone is going to buy something for her for your baby shower, that's probably just her way of saying she's going to buy what she wants to. And frankly it's her money so she gets to decide if she wants to spend it on manicures or higher quality nursery furniture. I personally have no problem buying something second hand (we bought our crib, changing table, and brest friend pillow from people on craigslist), but some people just aren't comfortable with that. My MIL even made a comment to H about why we were buying used stuff for the baby, I couldn't care less about her opinion on the matter.

If you are dead set on MIL using your car seat base, take the one out of your car for her to use on the days she's babysitting, or just buy her one(sounds like you are going to do this) and she'll have no excuse to go out and buy a whole different car seat.

[dmoney]

Apr 21, 2015 10:47:01 GMT -5 noname83 said:

In terms of the car seat, it sounds like your plan is the right one (to just buy a base for her). I've never heard of someone getting gifts for anyone other than the expectant parents at a shower, that's just weird. However, if she just wants to get her own and it complies with safety standards, I think I'd let it go.

I may have a different issue with my ILs, but I don't know if it'll actually become an issue. They have cousins who live in Canada who have a young daughter and some used items to give away. They told my husband they want to give us a car seat (no clue if it's an infant one or convertible). He told me "don't worry my parents will just keep it." While I don't foresee our LO spending much time in his parents' car, if any, I am concerned if the used Canadian car seat actually makes it's way to them.

It's not that I think they'd give us one that's been in an accident, or that Canadian regulations are inferior, but they are different. Plus, I think they'd be very close to the expiration date on the seat based on their daughter's age. I've told my husband I'm opposed to the entire idea of taking this car seat and he thinks I'm overreacting. So, here's to hoping that 1) they never give us/them the car seat and 2) if they do, it's actually past the expiration so it's a non issue. Unless one of you can find something that shows it's illegal to use a Canadian seat in the US (I only found an official source saying it the other way around). I have no problem buying my ILs a car seat, and I don't think they'd buy something other than what I would ask them to if it came to that. Just really don't want this to become an issue.

You could always ask the cousins to check to see the expatriation date on the car seat. I would personally look into seeing how long car seats generally are good for in Canada VS the US.  While something might still be okay to use in Canada, if they are planning on using it in the US it might not be "good anymore"  I would explain to them that while its okay to use in Canada, if they were to use it in the US and G-d forbid something were to happen (not saying that it would) then the car seat company wouldn't be held liable because the car seat wasn't considered "good" anymore. Just a suggestion. 

[belle0720]

Also, just wanted to add that we've babysat/transported my niece and nephews since they were little and always either just drove my brother's car or we moved their car seats into ours. My brother and SIL never had extra sets for any of them.

[dmoney]

Apr 21, 2015 11:01:42 GMT -5 belle0720 said:

Meh, if my ILs want to buy their own car seat and a $200 pack n play, I will happily let them. I doubt that she really thinks someone is going to buy something for her for your baby shower, that's probably just her way of saying she's going to buy what she wants to. And frankly it's her money so she gets to decide if she wants to spend it on manicures or higher quality nursery furniture. I personally have no problem buying something second hand (we bought our crib, changing table, and brest friend pillow from people on craigslist), but some people just aren't comfortable with that. My MIL even made a comment to H about why we were buying used stuff for the baby, I couldn't care less about her opinion on the matter.

If you are dead set on MIL using your car seat base, take the one out of your car for her to use on the days she's babysitting, or just buy her one(sounds like you are going to do this) and she'll have no excuse to go out and buy a whole different car seat.

Her exact words to me last night were "If I dont get a base at your shower as a gift"  So I think she does expect someone to buy her a base, even though we have registered for 1 extra base for DH car not for her car.

[belle0720]

dmoney Regardless, you're planning to buy her one right? So, it's a non-issue. If she said, "If someone doesn't buy me one I'm going to use DS's car seat from 30 years ago", then it would be an issue. But it sounds like she's going to be using a new car seat whether you buy a base for her or she buys a car seat specifically for her car. Sorry, I just think you're making a bigger deal about it than it is.

[Deleted]

I would want to limit the babies exposure to outside stores/germs so why wouldn't they just keep a newborn inside the house 1 day a week? For any doctors appointments I would want to go myself and not have MIL take the baby. So why is she thinking she needs an extra base at all?

[tatersalad]

Apr 21, 2015 8:53:41 GMT -5 nettje said:

Apr 21, 2015 8:19:59 GMT -5 lalamomma said:

Also depending on the car seat some can be installed without a base.

Just to echo this: most infant seats are designed to not need the base. The base makes it easier to put them in, but they are designed to be used without the base as well.

This times three. You do not need a base for every vehicle. They just add to the convenience of getting the seat in and out without attaching straps and checking the angle of the seat. There is no reason that she should need a base if she only has LO once a week. Let her buy a convertible seat.

[dmoney]

Apr 21, 2015 12:25:18 GMT -5 @poppyc8 said:

I would want to limit the babies exposure to outside stores/germs so why wouldn't they just keep a newborn inside the house 1 day a week? For any doctors appointments I would want to go myself and not have MIL take the baby. So why is she thinking she needs an extra base at all?

This is actually a very good question.  I think just in case of an emergency, I do not plan on having her taking the baby to Doctors appointments or anything like that. I would take her or DH would be taking her.  I do plan on giving her the stroller every week so she can take the baby for walks around her neighborhood and what not.  But if it is just as safe to just strap the infant carrier into the car then in reality all we would buy is maybe a seat protector since she does have leather seats so that it wouldn't destroy her seats.


Never really thought of it from this perspective...

Thanks everyone!!