@stargazerlilly

[beebe918]

stargazerlily I didn't want to hijack the whiskey tits thread but I would love to hear more about the adoption of your DD.  

How old was she when you adopted her?  Was it through foster care?

[stargazerlily]

beebe918,
No worries, happy to answer any questions!

I adopted her with my XH. He's trans so he can't biologically father children, so our plan was to adopt one child and to have one using a donor. We found her through an online "Heart Gallery" run by our local child welfare agency. We were initially looking for a child under 10, but then we saw her profile and there was a video, she had been on a news segment designed to help give kids visibility to potential families. She was almost 15 when we saw her profile, and we just felt she was meant to be our kid. It was a LONG process. The next month we went to an orientation, the month after that we started weekly classes that lasted about 3 months. Then we had to get a home study done which took all summer because they misplaced our background checks and they had to redo them. Then they had a "match meeting" in which her team approved us, they did a disclosure meeting in which they told us all about her (lots of issues but we still wanted her) but they made us wait another month to meet her. At that point she was almost 16 and living in a group home. When she met us, the first thing she asked was, "You're sure you really want me? You don't want a younger kid? They told you I have anger issues, right?" We reassured her and started visits. We were stuck in on-campus visits for a few months before they started letting us take her out, because they wanted to take it slow - she had been in the system since she was 4, and had had 4 failed adoptions in which they sent her back due to behavior. Right after she turned 16 they started letting us take her out. She wasn't doing well at the group home, kept running away and having meltdowns and it got so they were calling me to come calm her down, so after a month of off-campus visits we got them to move her in with us and a few months later the court finalized her adoption. It has been really rocky, she had to be hospitalized twice and arrested twice for aggressive behavior to us. We also didn't have the strongest marriage to begin with, and we ended up divorcing after a year, and she stayed with me until just before her 18th birthday. We do pretty well co-parenting, which is good because she is a tough cookie lol. He is a mental health counselor and I'm a behavior analyst, so that helps, but it has still been really rocky. That's kind of an overview, is there anything specific you want to know? Are you looking at adoption?

[Deleted]

Jan 21, 2015 13:44:43 GMT -5 stargazerlily said:

beebe918,
No worries, happy to answer any questions!

I adopted her with my XH. He's trans so he can't biologically father children, so our plan was to adopt one child and to have one using a donor. We found her through an online "Heart Gallery" run by our local child welfare agency. We were initially looking for a child under 10, but then we saw her profile and there was a video, she had been on a news segment designed to help give kids visibility to potential families. She was almost 15 when we saw her profile, and we just felt she was meant to be our kid. It was a LONG process. The next month we went to an orientation, the month after that we started weekly classes that lasted about 3 months. Then we had to get a home study done which took all summer because they misplaced our background checks and they had to redo them. Then they had a "match meeting" in which her team approved us, they did a disclosure meeting in which they told us all about her (lots of issues but we still wanted her) but they made us wait another month to meet her. At that point she was almost 16 and living in a group home. When she met us, the first thing she asked was, "You're sure you really want me? You don't want a younger kid? They told you I have anger issues, right?" We reassured her and started visits. We were stuck in on-campus visits for a few months before they started letting us take her out, because they wanted to take it slow - she had been in the system since she was 4, and had had 4 failed adoptions in which they sent her back due to behavior. Right after she turned 16 they started letting us take her out. She wasn't doing well at the group home, kept running away and having meltdowns and it got so they were calling me to come calm her down, so after a month of off-campus visits we got them to move her in with us and a few months later the court finalized her adoption. It has been really rocky, she had to be hospitalized twice and arrested twice for aggressive behavior to us. We also didn't have the strongest marriage to begin with, and we ended up divorcing after a year, and she stayed with me until just before her 18th birthday. We do pretty well co-parenting, which is good because she is a tough cookie lol. He is a mental health counselor and I'm a behavior analyst, so that helps, but it has still been really rocky. That's kind of an overview, is there anything specific you want to know? Are you looking at adoption?

Wow, although it's been a rocky road for you guys, I'm sure she appreciates all the love and care put into her life. Thanks for sharing your story, I'm glad she found you guys!  

[obi]

stargazerlily Thank you for sharing your story! Very inspiring.

[lauranicole91]

Thanks for sharing your story! Despite all her troubles, deep down I'm sure she really appreciates everything you have done for her and loves you guys dearly. You are truly amazing!

[Poppy]

You are so special to give her a change and love her even knowing all her shortcomings. I have two brothers that were a bit older when they were adopted. It's NOT as easy and adding a kid to the family. These children have serious emotional issues and struggles with relationships. I commend you for sticking with her and being a great mom. Obimom is right, it is inspiring. It take a special kind of person to go into something that they know is going to be rocky and difficult.

[pbnugget]

Jan 21, 2015 13:44:43 GMT -5 stargazerlily said:

beebe918,
No worries, happy to answer any questions!

I adopted her with my XH. He's trans so he can't biologically father children, so our plan was to adopt one child and to have one using a donor. We found her through an online "Heart Gallery" run by our local child welfare agency. We were initially looking for a child under 10, but then we saw her profile and there was a video, she had been on a news segment designed to help give kids visibility to potential families. She was almost 15 when we saw her profile, and we just felt she was meant to be our kid. It was a LONG process. The next month we went to an orientation, the month after that we started weekly classes that lasted about 3 months. Then we had to get a home study done which took all summer because they misplaced our background checks and they had to redo them. Then they had a "match meeting" in which her team approved us, they did a disclosure meeting in which they told us all about her (lots of issues but we still wanted her) but they made us wait another month to meet her. At that point she was almost 16 and living in a group home. When she met us, the first thing she asked was, "You're sure you really want me? You don't want a younger kid? They told you I have anger issues, right?" We reassured her and started visits. We were stuck in on-campus visits for a few months before they started letting us take her out, because they wanted to take it slow - she had been in the system since she was 4, and had had 4 failed adoptions in which they sent her back due to behavior. Right after she turned 16 they started letting us take her out. She wasn't doing well at the group home, kept running away and having meltdowns and it got so they were calling me to come calm her down, so after a month of off-campus visits we got them to move her in with us and a few months later the court finalized her adoption. It has been really rocky, she had to be hospitalized twice and arrested twice for aggressive behavior to us. We also didn't have the strongest marriage to begin with, and we ended up divorcing after a year, and she stayed with me until just before her 18th birthday. We do pretty well co-parenting, which is good because she is a tough cookie lol. He is a mental health counselor and I'm a behavior analyst, so that helps, but it has still been really rocky. That's kind of an overview, is there anything specific you want to know? Are you looking at adoption?

As someone who went through the foster care system waiting forever to be picked and adopted; I thank you for what you've done, and sharing it. Love, Di

[beebe918]

Wow, it is so fantastic that you were willing and able to give her a home. And especially that you stuck it out even when it wasn't smooth sailing. Thanks for sharing!

H and I are interested in foster care when our kids are a bit older and definitely not opposed to adoption but are not currently looking into it. My parents did foster care and have an adopted son (so my brother) who is 14 now. His parents were alcoholics as well which is what initially interested me your story.

[cbrandt1]

Oh I have uncontrollable goosebumps! Thanks for sharing!

[sunshyneshay]

Wow that is a heartwarming story that you didn't and still won't give up on her! You are awesome stargazerlily

[halepop]

This is pretty amazing. I really don't know what else to say. It kinda breaks my heart that her first question was, are you sure you want me? The lack of validation she'd had to that point was probably non existent. Good for you and XH for loving her through the tough stuff.

[stargazerlily]

Thanks guys...y'all have me crying now, lol. It's tough because I doubt myself as a mom SO OFTEN with her. I knew it was going to be hard, when we started the process, everyone we encountered in the system knew her because a) she had been in for so long and b) she was known as being one of the toughest kids and no one thought she'd get adopted, and they kept telling us, you know she's a tough kid, right? You know she has a lot of behavior, right? And so we knew it would be a challenge but I don't think we really realized how hard it would be...we both thought that with all our professional training we were prepared, but I don't think you can ever really prepare for an experience like this. You just have to go into it and flat out refuse to let it fail, even when your friends and family and even your family therapist are telling you maybe you should give up. So maybe this really just says a lot about how stubborn I am, lol. I think the hardest thing I have done is not letting her live with me. I made her move in with XH a month or so before she turned 18, because she'd assaulted me twice in a 6 week period and I felt like her behavior was escalating and that maybe I needed to NOT be the primary parent for a little while, so that she and I could get back to doing more of the fun stuff, and not just the everyday battles of homework/chores/appropriate behavior with her boyfriend and her cell phone (I want to kill whoever invented sexting). Even when XH and I were married, I was always more the disciplinarian, so I thought a break from that would help our relationship. She ended up leaving his house as soon as she turned 18, stayed with various friends for a while, tried moving back in with me 3 times unsuccessfully, and then she moved back in with him around Thanksgiving. She talks about wanting to move back in with me, I'd consider it if I wasn't pregnant, but I've had to put her down on the floor in holds before to keep her from hitting me - I could do that safely before (and I'm trained for it by my job) but with this baby and some blood pressure issues I've had during this pregnancy, I just don't feel confident I could do it safely. And I feel really, really bad about that (and she definitely takes the opportunities to try to get me to feel bad about that, and about having her hospitalized and arrested for her aggressive behavior in the past). She dropped out of school last year 3 months before graduation, which makes me a little crazy because she's SO damn smart. She's on alternative high school diploma program #3 now, and only has one class to finish, so we're really hoping she makes it this time. She is smart, funny, outgoing, and can really be the most amazing young woman. But she's had a really, really hard life and is struggling to cope with everything, and is currently refusing mental health care and medication for her conditions, so it's hard to help her without all of those resources...and, as she loves to tell me, she's 18 - we're limited in what we can make her do now, so it's a matter of trying to guide her as much as we can, and then watch her crash here and there and hope it won't take one that's too hard to get her to make better decisions. And I love her and it hurts so much to see her walk into situations where I know her choices are going to get her hurt, but we can't protect her from herself as much as I wish we could. Anyway, thanks for listening to my long-winded story. I'm happy to talk with any of you who are interested in learning more about this stuff - I talk on panels sometimes locally to parents who are considering adoption, because it's so important to me that people go into it with a realistic view of what it could look like, so that they don't get into something they're not willing to commit to, and so that they have a good idea of the help/resources that they'll need to make it work.

[soyboy]

Wow, you are so strong and have such a huge heart. She is very lucky to have you and your xh in her life.

[hconner3]

Wow! This is an amazing story! Thank you for sharing.

[smontz]

Wow...your story is so inspiring. She is so lucky to have you! You are awesome @stargazerlily

[amylee545]

Wow this is a true testament to how strong you are. I can't imagine how difficult that must be on you, but to not give up on her is truly inspiring. And no matter how much she acts out, i'm sure she appreciates you so much.

[mlbrooks]

I LOVE this!! I used to work for a residential treatment center for adolescents ages 5-18. I've seen so many unfortunate kids who have behavior issues due to being neglected/abused etc as young children. Adopting her and keeping to it was probably the best thing that's ever happened to hear. Hats off to you!!!

[sugar4bri]

stargazerlily what an amazing and inspirational story!

[maggiet19]

So awesome, stargazerlily ! What a blessing you are to her. As a kid who was adopted, I have to say adoptive parents are such special people...you raise and love children as your own that otherwise would not have a family. I love my family and thank God for them every day!

[sarahchrismck]

Thank you for sharing this story - so amazing!

[freddyisready]

Wow, what a struggle. It's amazing people like you who really make this world a better place.

[veganontuesdays]

Wow. You are one incredible woman stargazerlily. Thank you so much for sharing your story.