GMA Article - How to deal with a toddler who hits you

[belle0720]

gma.yahoo.com/day-toddler-broke-154834639--abc-news-parenting.html

CN: This woman has a 2 year old who throws tantrums and will hit her in the face daily. The woman doesn't spank but has done time outs and tries to talk it out and explain why hitting isn't okay. Toddler is still hitting her in the face.

My question, how do you think you would handle a situation like this? Or for STMs, have you had something similar happen with your LO(s)?

[belle0720]

I'm really not sure how I would handle the situation or what H's take would be on it.

I know that we definitely plan on timeouts, taking away privileges, and spanking after several warnings. And of course always trying to explain why something is wrong.

And I feel like it's not okay to have a toddler who hits you in the face on a regular basis and something really needs to be done if it gets to that point. I'm just not sure what.

[billyhorrible]

Why is her face close enough to be hit? She keeps talking about how she would get right in her kid's face to talk to to her, and that's not a good idea when dealing with an upset child to begin with.

We went through the hitting phase and treated it the same way I would treat anyone who hit me. I don't choose to be around someone who hits. When he hit, we would walk away. If he was tantruming, I wouldn't put myself in arms reach. (Unless I first asked if a hug was needed - because sometimes that works.)

I don't care how smart your 2 year old is, they have almost no emotional maturity. They don't have the vocabulary to deal with their frustration. They resort to physicality instead. Which is where the hitting/kicking/biting/throwing/tantrums come from. They cannot express themselves in the way they want to, and no amount of "punishment" is going to change that.

So let the kid have a tantrum, don't engage. Let them scream, throw themselves on the floor, whatever. Validate their feelings/frustration. Help them find the words. And let them know you'll be there when they calm down. But make it clear that you choose not to be around someone who engages in unwanted behavior.

[noeliav]

Oh lord. I want to hug that mom.

When DD is physical in an unacceptable way (now, at 2 years old) we lavish attention on the person/animal who received the hit/bite. So the reaction goes something like:
"DD! We do not hit/bite our friends/mama/papi/the dog. Oh, poor (recipient of bite/hit). Are you okay? How terrible! Do you need owie owl (our frozen boo-boo thing)? Do you need a hug? A kiss? How can I help you feel better?"
And, usually, DD is "sowwy" in short order.

But, we don't deal with this on the regular. She's teething right now, and her mouth hurts so she sometimes forgets to not bite, but still. Not daily.

I think walking away was an okay reaction in this specific instance for the mama. I'm really glad that she was with her friend. Really glad.

[noeliav]

Apr 21, 2015 14:35:39 GMT -5 billyhorrible said:

Why is her face close enough to be hit? She keeps talking about how she would get right in her kid's face to talk to to her, and that's not a good idea when dealing with an upset child to begin with.

We went through the hitting phase and treated it the same way I would treat anyone who hit me. I don't choose to be around someone who hits. When he hit, we would walk away. If he was tantruming, I wouldn't put myself in arms reach. (Unless I first asked if a hug was needed - because sometimes that works.)

I don't care how smart your 2 year old is, they have almost no emotional maturity. They don't have the vocabulary to deal with their frustration. They resort to physicality instead. Which is where the hitting/kicking/biting/throwing/tantrums come from. They cannot express themselves in the way they want to, and no amount of "punishment" is going to change that.

So let the kid have a tantrum, don't engage. Let them scream, throw themselves on the floor, whatever. Validate their feelings/frustration. Help them find the words. And let them know you'll be there when they calm down. But make it clear that you choose not to be around someone who engages in unwanted behavior.

Yes, this is a good point, too. 

And to the second point, I absolutely agree. DD is so mild in her behavior but even she has moments where it's very clear that her brain is still very very immature (and appropriately so!), lol.

[Widget123]

DD does hit DH and I and she also kicks and pulls hair (from time to time, not daily). We tell her "not nice" in a meaningful tone since that is what they say in daycare and that is what she understands, and try to distance ourselves and/or try to distract/redirect her. If she is having a fit, I usually let her have her fit and watch her from a distance until it is over. I don't believe DD is old enough yet to understand time-outs or for any other punishment like taking toys away. I agree with PP that the emotional maturity might not be there yet.

[holliberry28]

Apr 21, 2015 14:35:39 GMT -5 billyhorrible said:

Why is her face close enough to be hit? She keeps talking about how she would get right in her kid's face to talk to to her, and that's not a good idea when dealing with an upset child to begin with.

We went through the hitting phase and treated it the same way I would treat anyone who hit me. I don't choose to be around someone who hits. When he hit, we would walk away. If he was tantruming, I wouldn't put myself in arms reach. (Unless I first asked if a hug was needed - because sometimes that works.)

I don't care how smart your 2 year old is, they have almost no emotional maturity. They don't have the vocabulary to deal with their frustration. They resort to physicality instead. Which is where the hitting/kicking/biting/throwing/tantrums come from. They cannot express themselves in the way they want to, and no amount of "punishment" is going to change that.

So let the kid have a tantrum, don't engage. Let them scream, throw themselves on the floor, whatever. Validate their feelings/frustration. Help them find the words. And let them know you'll be there when they calm down. But make it clear that you choose not to be around someone who engages in unwanted behavior.

I wanted to love tit this so many times.

Another great book is "How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk." It might not be completely applicable for such a young child, but I think ignoring the negative behaviors is key, and then providing a lot of attention/praise and positive reinforcement when she is behaving appropriately (in the case it's for attention).

[dmoney]

My nephew is 2.5 years old, he is in the terrible 2 stage and has started to hit people and throw things. When i was watching him last, we were playing with his blocks and he started throwing them at me. I looked at him and said Edward we do not throw things at people. He did it a second Time, I looked at him and said. we do not throw things, it is now time to clean up. He started to cry but finished cleaning up. I got off the floor and went into the living room with my mom. My nephew comes running in and is screaming/crying "I sowwy Aunt D". He knows hes not supposed to throw things but does it anyway. My sister does not do time out as she doesnt feel like he would understand it at his age. But taking toys away he does understand. I think by me getting up and going into the other room he understood what he did was wrong. I didn't get hurt but could of very easily.

[veggiemo]

Apr 21, 2015 14:35:39 GMT -5 billyhorrible said:

Why is her face close enough to be hit? She keeps talking about how she would get right in her kid's face to talk to to her, and that's not a good idea when dealing with an upset child to begin with.

We went through the hitting phase and treated it the same way I would treat anyone who hit me. I don't choose to be around someone who hits. When he hit, we would walk away. If he was tantruming, I wouldn't put myself in arms reach. (Unless I first asked if a hug was needed - because sometimes that works.)

I don't care how smart your 2 year old is, they have almost no emotional maturity. They don't have the vocabulary to deal with their frustration. They resort to physicality instead. Which is where the hitting/kicking/biting/throwing/tantrums come from. They cannot express themselves in the way they want to, and no amount of "punishment" is going to change that.

So let the kid have a tantrum, don't engage. Let them scream, throw themselves on the floor, whatever. Validate their feelings/frustration. Help them find the words. And let them know you'll be there when they calm down. But make it clear that you choose not to be around someone who engages in unwanted behavior.

As far as getting close enough to be hit, it happens to me. When we are at the grocery store or somewhere public and he's misbehaving, I always try to get down to DS's eye level and talk calmly and quietly, near his face so he can hear me. I get swatted at a lot, and also spit on. Maybe I need to come up with a different approach for public tantrums...

Otherwise, I totally agree with all of this. At home if he's throwing a tantrum and starting the hitting/spitting, I tell him to "walk away" and sometimes I guide him into his room and tell him to stay there until he's done. I'll occasionally open his door and ask if he wants to help make dinner, come out and sit with me, choices like that but it's usually met with more spitting and screaming. Most of the time I have to wait for him to be through with the tantrum on his own terms.

[honeybunches101]

This hits close to home to me because I have been dealin with this a lot. My 3yo is very gentle and kind with his friends, but can be very violent with me and sometimes DH. I met with a parenting expert who said I should walk away, which makes sense in theory, but it's very hard to do in practice. I haven't cried but I have yelled and slapped his hands out of frustration and anger, neither of which I am proud of and they definitely didn't work. Sometimes the consequences are easy - he throws a toy at me, the toy goes away. But when he bites my arm while I'm holding his hand waking down a busy street carrying groceries in the other hand? Can't exactly let him go, especially since that is what he wants me to do. He usually gets violent when I am trying to get him to do something, like put on shoes so we can go to a doctors appointment. Luckily this phase seems to be on its way out, but it has been brutal.

[bendherova]

I agree with pretty much all of what billyhorrible said.


Also, when DS1 started this phase we used the phrase "hands are for huggles not for hitting". When we could see he was getting close to the level of frustration where he'd hit, we'd ask him what we use our hands for and he'd answer and then we'd hug. (or, he'd ignore us, hit, get a time out or toys taken away).

[noeliav]

At DD's school they tell their "friends" to "walk away!" if the friend's behavior is undesirable. lol. Sometimes when DD is getting mad at us because we want her to do something that she doesn't want to (eh, like, brush her hair), she tells us to "walk away!" It makes me laugh (in my head) but it also makes me happy that the school reinforces removing oneself from an undesired situation.

[noeliav]

@jemomma
What do you mean by "real punishment"?

[noeliav]

Apr 21, 2015 16:12:56 GMT -5 @jemomma said:

Apr 21, 2015 16:05:01 GMT -5 noeliav said:

@jemomma
What do you mean by "real punishment"?

Timeouts, taking away privledges, raising her voice when she talks to her daughter (she stated that she did not want to do this, but sometimes it is necessary to get the kids attention), ignoring her, even spanking (I know some people don't agree with this method, and it certainly does not work for every child, but it does for some).

Based on the article, it sounded like she only talked calmy with her daughter in the middle of her fits or after and didn't try any of the above. I may be incorrect in that assumption, but that is what I took away from the article.

Oh. OP said that the woman had done time outs and I thought the author had mentioned ignoring the behavior/child immediately after (to no effect, unfortunately), so I wondered what other punishments you would consider "real." Thank you for clarifying.

FWIW, my DD would not understand losing privileges as a result of hitting. She's just not there yet, with regards to mental development. She does understand that if she does not do her bedtime routine in a timely way, then there will not be time for a video, but hitting = no video? At 29m, she can't make that connection yet.

[mcp6286]

With the little girls that I nannied for (2 & 3 yrs old), if they hit anyone they would immediately lose whatever privilege they were currently experiencing. If we were baking, they had to sit in a chair and watch the other one finish the project without them. If we were at the park, they sat on a bench and watched the other one play without them. If we were watching a movie, they had to go upstairs to their room and play alone until it was over. That worked because this 2 yr old was EXTREMELY advanced and she understand fully that the consequence was because of the behavior. She'd actually go around telling people who were starting to get angry, "It's ok if you feel mad but don't hit or you won't be allowed to eat ice cream with everyone else" (or whatever the privilege was).

What I've noticed from working with several different families over the years is that a lot of times, parents don't give the timeout or take away the privilege long enough for it to be impactful. These girls never messed with me because they knew I would follow through on the ENTIRE punishment. Their parents, on the other hand, would begin the punishment but then back down if the child started to cry or apologize. One thing that I was taught as a child, which I definitely want to teach my kids, is that you can't just apologize to get out of a punishment. It's great to apologize and it is appreciated and you'll be hugged and loved still, but if you did the crime you do the time regardless of whether you apologize or not. Otherwise, kids start using apologies to get out of experiencing consequences and that gets out of hand fast. The family I worked with who had the best behaved kids (18 mon, 3 yrs and 6 yrs old) was the one that accepted & hugged after an apology, but still made the kids fully complete their consequence for the action.

[bruunk]

I also agree with billyhorrible

I was this kid. I was not nice to my parents (above and beyond the normal terrible toddler things - I have a bad temper) and I have to agree that the not engaging mid tantrum is the way to go. Once I would work myself up to that level of just pissed OFF I could not be consoled. It sucked and lasted to some degree throughout my childhood (mom says 2 to 22). (I still have a temper, but thankfully the maturity to notice that I need to walk away etc). I also lost privileges, especially as I got older. When I was small it was time outs, when I was child (5-8) it was time out and lose privilege to something (like TV or dessert) and as a teenager I lost my door (which was also my sister's door... we shared a room. She's still peeved about it), among other things. Once I had calmed down, there was also an age appropriate talk - if as a toddler I got the time out to cool down and then discuss the emotions. I can totally remember my mother walking away from me at the park when I said I wouldn't go home (she didn't get far, I was terrified and ran after her) but she never engaged in my tantrum - if I wanted to sit there and scream, so be it! But she always ended it with I love you - even as a teenager (which stung -- OH that stung )