WDYT-PR, Sobriety, XP to Parenting

[spooko]

So my sister is DS' BM. He knows about the adoption and that she's his aunt now, but doesn't actually know her all that well because she's been in and out of jail/prison/off-the-radar when using and hasn't been stable enough to be a really consistent part of his life. They have some degree of contact in exchanging letters and she sometimes makes crafts for him. I keep her posted on his well-being and send her pictures, also. It's been several years since they've been F2F, though, and I don't think he really remembers seeing her.

This past week, she was released from prison. She was supposedly sober while there (over a year) and is staying in a town about 30 minutes away because that's where her parole is. She is respectful of us as his parents and genuinely wants what's best for DS, even when her actions don't always support that idea.

DH and I have different timelines in mind for when to start reintroducing her back into DS' life, and in what capacity. I'm open to whatever feedback and insights anyone has.

[gnomesweetgnome]

I would want to see how she does while on parole before setting up any visits. And I would want to meet with her on my own several times over a few months to see that stability for myself and to set some boundaries and expectations going forward, such as what will happen if she starts using again, it she comes to a visit not sober, etc. The specifics will be up to you and your comfort levels, obviously.

[alaskadee]

I'm curious as to what she is requesting at this time? Is she requesting visits?
I think gnome has a good point of meeting with her one on one to see for yourself how she's doing. I'd also be very concrete as to what your expectations are, ie, she seek counseling, participate in NA/AA or whatever you and DH feel would be acceptable to have a comfort level of trust in her sobriety and then wanting to integrate visits.

Sobriety can happen, but it's very difficult to remain sober if you go back to your lifestyle once your released from prison. I'm sure being on parole she'll have requirements to meet there as well. Maybe find out what those are and make sure she's following through with those? That way you can kind of make a judgement of how serious she is about her recovery?

I would really struggle to integrate visits right away without some peace of mind of how serious she is about staying clean and sober, but that's just me.
I'm sure this has to be stressful to figure out what's best for all parties!

[spooko]

Apr 25, 2015 15:11:29 GMT -5 gnomesweetgnome said:

I would want to see how she does while on parole before setting up any visits. And I would want to meet with her on my own several times over a few months to see that stability for myself and to set some boundaries and expectations going forward, such as what will happen if she starts using again, it she comes to a visit not sober, etc. The specifics will be up to you and your comfort levels, obviously.

Thanks. It's that deciding how long to watch that we're really struggling with. On one hand, I kind of want to jump in a little sooner because I don't have the greatest confidence that it will be LT sobriety and I at least want him to have the opportunity to somewhat know her. OTOH, I don't want her in and out of his life, and if she isn't going to do well LT, I don't want him going through the ups and downs. 

I have 100% confidence that she wouldn't visit if she wasn't clean. She has this way of disappearing when she's using because she's embarrassed or something and has never brought it around the family. This has been her MO for 10+ years.

The good news is that because of her shitty upbringing and her being satisfied that he is with us, she is very respectful of whatever boundaries I draw and will do what's best for him. 

[spooko]

Apr 25, 2015 15:48:50 GMT -5 alaskadee said:

I'm curious as to what she is requesting at this time? Is she requesting visits?
I think gnome has a good point of meeting with her one on one to see for yourself how she's doing. I'd also be very concrete as to what your expectations are, ie, she seek counseling, participate in NA/AA or whatever you and DH feel would be acceptable to have a comfort level of trust in her sobriety and then wanting to integrate visits.

Sobriety can happen, but it's very difficult to remain sober if you go back to your lifestyle once your released from prison. I'm sure being on parole she'll have requirements to meet there as well. Maybe find out what those are and make sure she's following through with those? That way you can kind of make a judgement of how serious she is about her recovery?

I would really struggle to integrate visits right away without some peace of mind of how serious she is about staying clean and sober, but that's just me.
I'm sure this has to be stressful to figure out what's best for all parties!

She wants to be part of the family again. She wants to be an active aunt and come to the kids' activities and do the BBQs with our family/other sister, she wants IN. But I do think she's cognizant that she has to prove it a bit. I briefly talked to her this week when she called to say she was released and she did say she didn't expect to see anyone for "a week or 2" because she wanted to prove that she was still clean. She made several mentions of "appointments" which I assume are for the various requirements.

Part of the issue with her meeting the reqs and being on parole is that she was required to go back to the city where she had all of this trouble before. I don't know if she's going to really be able to make it stick this time. She has a lot of mental health issues on top of a 10-15 year AODA battle. 

[alaskadee]

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for guys. I totally get were you are coming from...on one hand wanting to have her involved right away but fearful to do that shell be back out just as quickly. Do you think it would be hurtful to DS to have her be involved for her to only be gone again? Sometimes kiddos are more resilient then we give them credit for, you know what I mean?
Prayers for you guys as you move forward with deciding