Things People Say, Part Deux

[penguininthecity]

From yesterday: WTF, Barista at Whole Foods? Not only do you say "Don't worry, you'll have another one," you're also predicting we'll have a boy. This is after being asked where I've been and she was relaying she was worried b/c she hadn't seen me in a while, mind.

Granted, I think it was verbal diarrhea in her case, because she's a nice lady, but I would have been great if it was left at "I'm sorry."

I think I'll have my work cut out for me when I return to the Desk Friday week...

[things]

(((hugs))) penguininthecity

Stupid comments that often backfire:

"Everything happens for a reason."

"You're young. You can try again."

"Maybe this is a sign. Are you going to return to church?"

And equating the loss of a pet with the loss of a child. I know that losing a beloved pet is heartbreaking, and it's fine for one to believe it is equally hard as losing a child, but you don't tell that to a grieving mother. Think it, but be wise enough not to say it.

I did have one woman ask if I lost him (first son) in Iraq when she saw my forearm memorial tattoo. Uh... seriously!? Do I look old enough to have a son that is 18+!? I mean, that was nearly 6 years ago.

[Deleted]

I was told I couldn't have girls. Like losing our daughter just made it impossible for me to have a healthy living girl. She died due to a cord accident and low fluid. That in no way means I'll never be able to have a girl.

[penguininthecity]

Jan 21, 2015 13:38:30 GMT -5 @mollywobbles16 said:

I was told I couldn't have girls. Like losing our daughter just made it impossible for me to have a healthy living girl. She died due to a cord accident and low fluid. That in no way means I'll never be able to have a girl.

Argh! Who'd say something like that?! *big hugs*

[vyd81]

Hi Everyone, I'm here from TB. I was part of the Loss Board and D14 board over there and just came over to this one.

Hugs to you. People should just shut up some times. I heard "you'll have another one" so many times after we lost our son that I wanted to punch people in the throat.

I usually tell them I don't want to talk about it.

[happyin14]

These feel pretty brutal to me! Cripes! Hugs everyone.

[littleowl913]

My FIL told me to stop being so sad because he doesn't like to see me like that. We have to look towards the future and not stay in the past. This was a week after I lost Ronin. Really!?!

[happyin14]

Jan 21, 2015 22:24:02 GMT -5 littleowl913 said:

My FIL told me to stop being so sad because he doesn't like to see me like that. We have to look towards the future and not stay in the past. This was a week after I lost Ronin. Really!?!

Wha??? That's insane! One of my best friends did tell me recently that I haven't been such a good friend this past year... Not as "invested" in her life as she thinks I should be. I just said, "You mean since Jack died? Yeah... I've been distracted."

[littleowl913]

Jan 21, 2015 22:38:00 GMT -5 happyin14 said:

Jan 21, 2015 22:24:02 GMT -5 littleowl913 said:

My FIL told me to stop being so sad because he doesn't like to see me like that. We have to look towards the future and not stay in the past. This was a week after I lost Ronin. Really!?!

Wha??? That's insane! One of my best friends did tell me recently that I haven't been such a good friend this past year... Not as "invested" in her life as she thinks I should be. I just said, "You mean since Jack died? Yeah... I've been distracted."

 that might be worse than my FIL. 

[flutterfly88]

Jan 21, 2015 22:38:00 GMT -5 happyin14 said:

Jan 21, 2015 22:24:02 GMT -5 littleowl913 said:

My FIL told me to stop being so sad because he doesn't like to see me like that. We have to look towards the future and not stay in the past. This was a week after I lost Ronin. Really!?!

Wha??? That's insane! One of my best friends did tell me recently that I haven't been such a good friend this past year... Not as "invested" in her life as she thinks I should be. I just said, "You mean since Jack died? Yeah... I've been distracted."

Wow, what a thing to say.  

[penguininthecity]

Jan 21, 2015 22:38:00 GMT -5 happyin14 said:

Jan 21, 2015 22:24:02 GMT -5 littleowl913 said:

My FIL told me to stop being so sad because he doesn't like to see me like that. We have to look towards the future and not stay in the past. This was a week after I lost Ronin. Really!?!

Wha??? That's insane! One of my best friends did tell me recently that I haven't been such a good friend this past year... Not as "invested" in her life as she thinks I should be. I just said, "You mean since Jack died? Yeah... I've been distracted

You'd think family and close friends would be a bit more sensitive to this...Oy.

[angelsnight]

I stupidly showed this woman at work (not even really a friend, I was just a proud mama of the only thing I was able to buy for my daughter) a picture of my daughters gravestone when it came in. With a tone of utter disgust she said, you actually named her?

But I am not sure which was worse, what she said, or what I said next. She caught me off guard and I said well we already had her name picked out, as if I needed to defend my reasoning for naming my baby.

[flutterfly88]

Jan 27, 2015 22:03:07 GMT -5 angelsnight said:

I stupidly showed this woman at work (not even really a friend, I was just a proud mama of the only thing I was able to buy for my daughter) a picture of my daughters gravestone when it came in. With a tone of utter disgust she said, you actually named her?

But I am not sure which was worse, what she said, or what I said next. She caught me off guard and I said well we already had her name picked out, as if I needed to defend my reasoning for naming my baby.

I'm so sorry, (((hugs))). Can I ask what you named your daughter?

I was getting some pictures printed off for my parents & in-laws from after my son was born, and asked the person next to me her opinion on which of two pictures to order, not really because I needed the help, but because I wanted to show off my boy. I shared my loss with her, and she said "it must not have been in God's plan." I felt like replying, "well, it was in my plan!"

[happyin14]

Jan 27, 2015 22:03:07 GMT -5 angelsnight said:

I stupidly showed this woman at work (not even really a friend, I was just a proud mama of the only thing I was able to buy for my daughter) a picture of my daughters gravestone when it came in. With a tone of utter disgust she said, you actually named her?

But I am not sure which was worse, what she said, or what I said next. She caught me off guard and I said well we already had her name picked out, as if I needed to defend my reasoning for naming my baby.

I am so sorry. Do not beat yourself up!! These moments throw us off. I'd bet you already know what you want to say instead of it ever happens again, right? This is all so hard. Of course your child has a name!!!!!!!!

[happyin14]

Jan 28, 2015 1:08:50 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

Jan 27, 2015 22:03:07 GMT -5 angelsnight said:

I stupidly showed this woman at work (not even really a friend, I was just a proud mama of the only thing I was able to buy for my daughter) a picture of my daughters gravestone when it came in. With a tone of utter disgust she said, you actually named her?

But I am not sure which was worse, what she said, or what I said next. She caught me off guard and I said well we already had her name picked out, as if I needed to defend my reasoning for naming my baby.

I'm so sorry, (((hugs))). Can I ask what you named your daughter?

I was getting some pictures printed off for my parents & in-laws from after my son was born, and asked the person next to me her opinion on which of two pictures to order, not really because I needed the help, but because I wanted to show off my boy. I shared my loss with her, and she said "it must not have been in God's plan." I felt like replying, "well, it was in my plan!"

I hate the God's plan stuff so much. No. That's not how God works. Sometimes crap things happen in this world. Hugs.

[littleowl913]

Jan 27, 2015 22:03:07 GMT -5 angelsnight said:

I stupidly showed this woman at work (not even really a friend, I was just a proud mama of the only thing I was able to buy for my daughter) a picture of my daughters gravestone when it came in. With a tone of utter disgust she said, you actually named her?

But I am not sure which was worse, what she said, or what I said next. She caught me off guard and I said well we already had her name picked out, as if I needed to defend my reasoning for naming my baby.

WTF is wrong with people??? Sometimes I can understand people do not know what to say to grieving mothers but this is just offensive and rude. I totally get wanting to share your daughter's gravestone because I felt the same way - that was the only thing I had to look forward to with my Ronin too - andd to have that woman be so incredibly disrespectful to you ugh! I'm so sorry you were put through that (((hugs))).

[angelsnight]

Jan 28, 2015 1:08:50 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

Jan 27, 2015 22:03:07 GMT -5 angelsnight said:

I stupidly showed this woman at work (not even really a friend, I was just a proud mama of the only thing I was able to buy for my daughter) a picture of my daughters gravestone when it came in. With a tone of utter disgust she said, you actually named her?

But I am not sure which was worse, what she said, or what I said next. She caught me off guard and I said well we already had her name picked out, as if I needed to defend my reasoning for naming my baby.

I'm so sorry, (((hugs))). Can I ask what you named your daughter?

I was getting some pictures printed off for my parents & in-laws from after my son was born, and asked the person next to me her opinion on which of two pictures to order, not really because I needed the help, but because I wanted to show off my boy. I shared my loss with her, and she said "it must not have been in God's plan." I felt like replying, "well, it was in my plan!"


Thank you , her name is Kayla.  It had been MH's favorite name for years, he even told me about it on our second date 6 years prior to her birth.

Ugh, I absolutely hate the "god's plan" crap.  So sorry that happened to you.

[flutterfly88]

Jan 28, 2015 9:58:37 GMT -5 angelsnight said:

Jan 28, 2015 1:08:50 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

I'm so sorry, (((hugs))). Can I ask what you named your daughter?

I was getting some pictures printed off for my parents & in-laws from after my son was born, and asked the person next to me her opinion on which of two pictures to order, not really because I needed the help, but because I wanted to show off my boy. I shared my loss with her, and she said "it must not have been in God's plan." I felt like replying, "well, it was in my plan!"


Thank you , her name is Kayla.  It had been MH's favorite name for years, he even told me about it on our second date 6 years prior to her birth.

Ugh, I absolutely hate the "god's plan" crap.  So sorry that happened to you.

What a beautiful name, were you happy with how everyting turned out for the gravestone?

[flutterfly88]

Jan 28, 2015 6:59:03 GMT -5 happyin14 said:

Jan 28, 2015 1:08:50 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

I'm so sorry, (((hugs))). Can I ask what you named your daughter?

I was getting some pictures printed off for my parents & in-laws from after my son was born, and asked the person next to me her opinion on which of two pictures to order, not really because I needed the help, but because I wanted to show off my boy. I shared my loss with her, and she said "it must not have been in God's plan." I felt like replying, "well, it was in my plan!"

I hate the God's plan stuff so much. No. That's not how God works. Sometimes crap things happen in this world. Hugs.

I agree!

[penguininthecity]

Jan 28, 2015 6:59:03 GMT -5 happyin14 said:

Jan 28, 2015 1:08:50 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

I'm so sorry, (((hugs))). Can I ask what you named your daughter?

I was getting some pictures printed off for my parents & in-laws from after my son was born, and asked the person next to me her opinion on which of two pictures to order, not really because I needed the help, but because I wanted to show off my boy. I shared my loss with her, and she said "it must not have been in God's plan." I felt like replying, "well, it was in my plan!"

I hate the God's plan stuff so much. No. That's not how God works. Sometimes crap things happen in this world. Hugs.

Agreed. *big hugs*

[penguininthecity]

Very glad Still Standing reposted this to FB today:

stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/6-things-never-say-bereaved-parent/

[happyin14]

Jan 28, 2015 15:17:13 GMT -5 penguininthecity said:

Very glad Still Standing reposted this to FB today:

stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/6-things-never-say-bereaved-parent/

I hadn't read this exact one. Thanks for sharing. Made me tear up. I so wish I had the balls to post stuff like this on facebook.

[angelsnight]

Jan 28, 2015 12:27:01 GMT -5 flutterfly88 said:

Jan 28, 2015 9:58:37 GMT -5 angelsnight said:

What a beautiful name, were you happy with how everyting turned out for the gravestone?

Yes it came out so beautiful.

[gingerygirl]

Hello ladies! I was on the Loss board and Jan15 on TB and now I'm on here in the Aug15 board.
I lost my little girl at 23 weeks last August and the most common thing I heard was "will you try again? don't worry. you're only 22. you have plenty of time."
Also, about a month after I lost her, I came down with a nasty cold. I told my dad I wasn't feeling well and he said "you're not pregnant are you?" too soon, dad. too soon.



I recently found out I'm pregnant again and when I told my mom all she said was "well. I hope you're more careful with your body this time." uhh...what? I took good care of my body last time and there was nothing I could have done differently to change what happened. thanks mom.

[flutterfly88]

Jan 29, 2015 11:04:56 GMT -5 gingerygirl said:

Hello ladies! I was on the Loss board and Jan15 on TB and now I'm on here in the Aug15 board.
I lost my little girl at 23 weeks last August and the most common thing I heard was "will you try again? don't worry. you're only 22. you have plenty of time."
Also, about a month after I lost her, I came down with a nasty cold. I told my dad I wasn't feeling well and he said "you're not pregnant are you?" too soon, dad. too soon.



I recently found out I'm pregnant again and when I told my mom all she said was "well. I hope you're more careful with your body this time." uhh...what? I took good care of my body last time and there was nothing I could have done differently to change what happened. thanks mom.

I'm so sorry, I think it's harder to hear when it's someone close to you that says it. (((hugs)))

[carsaidyes]

I know this thread is a little old but I wanted to chime in... Partly to let it out I guess. I returned to work on Wednesday and the teacher next door to me (knowing I lost my son at 19w) asked me how my 6 week vacation was! I asked her if she'd ever been to hell. It was kinda like that...Hope she got then hint. THEN my MIL constantly reminds me of all the food I can eat "Now that I am not pregnant"...Gee thanks. These comments I was reading are so hurtful. I refuse to believe that people can be that stupid...SERIOUSLY?!

[twixiesky]

carsaidyes
I love your reply back to your coworker. I'm am also sorry to hear you mils insensitivity.

I will have to remember your comeback though. I was starting to feel guilty for taking a 3 week break from work after we lost our son Keegan, at 18 week. My ditzy insensitive supervisor has been bothering me weekly about when I'll return (despite me giving her an estimated return date over 2 weeks ago - and she knew what happened). Last message I recieved from her was 'hi, I'm just following up on the outcome of your appointment today, well not the specifics, but just when you're coming back....' This was after she bothered me the last few days about it, prior to the appointment. I'm dreading the return on Tuesday and what stupidity I may hear, going to have to add your statement to my ammunition of comebacks.

[mrswheelo]

After re-reading some of these, I just want to give you all really big virtual ((HUGS))!!!